How to understand that a relationship is broken. Being too serious
If you don't talk about what worries you, try to embellish the truth or downplay the significance of some events, then you should think about it. Why are you doing this? Why are you trying not to be the person you are? Top tip- be yourself. Be honest and open with your partner and don't be afraid of not being accepted. If this happens, then it’s for the best.
You are in isolation
If your relationship has already moved from the candy-bouquet stage to something more or less adequate, then social isolation is a worrying sign. Codependency is an unhealthy relationship format, and social isolation does not provide the opportunity to grow and develop.
Negativity surrounds you
Unhealthy relationships lead to all the negative qualities in people. For example, you find yourself constantly to blame for all your partner’s problems and mistakes. You begin to believe that the responsibility for your partner’s happiness lies with you, and you must build your life based on this knowledge. Over time, in such a relationship, you will stop being yourself and begin to tiptoe through life so that they cannot blame you for anything. Relationships in which you feel this way are toxic and can poison you for the rest of your life.
Another indicator of an unhealthy relationship is constant criticism and insults. All this vivid examples emotional abuse. And of course, they simply cannot be allowed. And the important thing here is to stop making excuses for those who treat you this way.
Focus on your partner
In no healthy relationships The focus has shifted to changing someone rather than working on oneself. If your relationship is built on respect, then no one will try to turn you into an ideal. If this happens, then this is the road to misfortune. IN right relationships and you respect your partner for who he is and don't turn him into your successful project.
Happy relationships themselves push us to become better and work on ourselves. If you're feeling pressured and losing confidence, maybe it's time to get out of the love boat yourself rather than wait to be thrown overboard.
Lack of support
In the right relationship, you feel supported by your partner. Moreover, it is not necessary that he understands and shares all your aspirations and interests. He may not understand them, but still support them. This is a sign of respect for your views on life, your individuality. If you understand that your partner does not show interest and does not support your endeavors, then such a person is unlikely to be able to provide you with emotional support. Disinterest and criticism will eventually lead you to believe that your feelings, views and values do not matter, which means that you yourself are not important to others. My advice: it’s better to give up such a partner than to give up yourself.
Relationship breakdown is one of the most common problems and traumas of the present time. For personal freedom and freedom of choice, won after victorian era, when divorce was simply impossible, we pay with the severity of the losses. Trouble seems to creep up gradually, unnoticed, slowly, then explodes and poisons everything around with a poisonous cloud. Each of us is familiar with such stories. This has been experienced either by parents, relatives, friends or ourselves. Some were able to survive and be reborn from the ashes, while others were broken.
Having extensive therapeutic practice and conducting a program to overcome the state of separation, I will present the most common reasons leading to the destruction of relationships. Armed with knowledge, you can be more aware, competent in your relationships, anticipate, recognize in time warning signs, and, as a result, maintain relationships and strengthen them. Or understanding why the relationship didn’t work out will make it a little easier.
Irresponsible choice
Everyone, undergoing the collapse of a breakup, tends to be caught up in an avalanche of negative feelings, suffer and blame themselves or others for the fact that everything was missed and spoiled. However, one of the most good reasons The downfall of relationships is that people were not suitable for each other from the beginning. They did not approach the issue of choosing a partner, this “most important interview in life”, scrupulously enough, or they did not choose at all, everything happened as if “by itself.”
The process of choosing a partner needs to be managed very responsibly, to clearly understand who you are, what qualities you have, what you need and what you can and should invest in the relationship. Having assessed yourself responsibly and fairly, look for a mate, having very clear selection criteria. Don’t expect that your partner will be a wizard/sorceress and, having pulled you out of the swamp, will look at you and spell a princess/prince out of a frog. Wizards have their own plans. They are looking for sorceresses. And becoming a prince/princess is your completely feasible task. (Whoever doubts it, go to the program “Awareness and Changing the Life Scenario”!)
Suitable for each other includes many factors, without denying the biological ones, we will focus on the social and psychological ones. Here are some of them: level, pace and direction of personal development, level of education, general goals, values, attitudes, age, status, income level. In a short period of time, it is extremely difficult to get to know a person well and make an informed choice, so a sufficient period before deciding on a serious relationship is very important.
Naivety
Not getting to know each other well enough does not mean remaining in holy ignorance; more often it means experiencing unacceptable illusions, being naive, failing to fulfill one of the most important tasks relationships - to recognize and accept a person as he is. The result of real relationships is inevitably the debunking of illusions. More often than not, the reason is seen in the partner rather than in oneself. The process of recognition in this case ends very badly when confronted with the reality that comes out. What you didn’t want to notice initially becomes obvious. This disappointment is much more difficult to overcome in a serious relationship than in the process of getting to know each other. It's safer not to pledge your heart before you've gotten to know your partner well enough.
Pace and direction of development
Personality is a developing system, it is constantly in motion. It is pleasant and useful to develop hand in hand in the same or similar direction, to support, inspire and help each other on this difficult path. Improvement and strengthening of relationships is guaranteed.
It is unfortunate if one of the pair develops faster/slower than the other or in different directions. This inevitably leads to distance and complicates relationships. What suited you before no longer suits you or begins to irritate you because it is outdated. Needs and demands grow or transform, values change, and dissatisfaction grows. It is difficult to control the pace and direction of development, but it is possible by periodically comparing benchmarks.
Dissatisfaction
Dissatisfaction can be a source of irritation, a cause of breakup, or, in a small dose and finding a way out, it can be a driver in the development of relationships. In the case where dissatisfaction accumulates over the years, it was initially a consequence of uncertainty, avoidance of openly presenting one's needs and patience, it can lead to separation.
Satisfied needs make a person happy and content. It is important to remember that the child can count on his parents to meet his needs. An adult is obliged to understand, recognize and satisfy his needs independently. Only a small portion of the needs in a healthy relationship are met by partners.
Child-parent projections
The problem of child-parent projections in partnerships is very relevant. It manifests itself in an unconscious desire to receive unconditional acceptance and love from a partner, to hope that in a couple all his childhood traumas and needs will be taken into account and satisfied. It manifests itself in the form of an excessive demand for attention, an excessive desire to please, to earn favor, or excessive openness, nakedness, presence, dissolution.
It's like they're trying to fill the vast emptiness inside with a partner. Such hopes conflict with the idea partnerships. A husband/wife is not and should not play the role of father/mother for their partner, saving them from childhood traumas and fears of reality. Only awareness of child-parent projections will free you from this conflict. The ability to be responsible for oneself and relationships is an adult characteristic and mandatory conditions strong healthy relationships.
Projection of an ideal partner
Projection ideal partner is a general cultural phenomenon that has engulfed our culture over the past few centuries and has intensified Lately. Mass culture is replete with and infects with the idea of searching for an ideal, only partner, a feeling of falling in love, similar to a religious experience. The deception is that the ideal should be sought not in a partner, but in the depths of one’s own soul. This is a complex, long and scrupulous work of self-knowledge. A real partner can never and should never live up to the ideal. He is alive, therefore, human in all manifestations.
Men are more susceptible to this projection; this period lasts up to 3 years or less, after which the magic dissipates and severe disappointment and resentment sets in, as if it was not oneself who was deceived, but the partner who was deceiving all this time. The best position in this situation would be for the partner to not support the projection, although it can be very pleasant when you are deified, but each time refuse to take it personally. Be yourself, real person, accepting their difficulties and shadow sides.
Inability to manage relationships
In those couples where there are no relationship management mechanisms, even with good initial data, they can reach a dead end and fail. Without control, any process leads to unpredictable results. Management requires clear goals (what do we want to have?), deadlines (when?), and tools (how?). Plan your relationships, set specific goals, define criteria, manage them.
Useful: to sort things out, clarify them, talk about relationships, talk about your feelings without making your partner feel guilty, realize the degree of your satisfaction, talk about it, be able to cooperate - this will save you from a disaster. Maintain relationships in good quality It will help to have a sufficient degree of openness so that you can observe their development and correct them if suddenly something goes wrong.
It is important that both partners participate in this, so that both of you will be in a mature position. Highlight a certain period of our relationship, determine the characteristics of the relationship at the beginning of this period and at the end, note what and how has changed and why. If everything happens by itself, your relationship is in danger. Discuss with your partner what you want from your relationship in the near future and determine ways to achieve this goal, achieve them together and get a feeling of satisfaction from creation. This way you will learn to manage your relationships.
Exchange balance
The quality of relationships can be assessed in two ways: in simple words— exchange balance. This concept is characterized by the amount of attention, love, participation, effort, actions, emotional and behavioral characteristics involved in the exchange between people. We can talk about positive or negative balance and the exchange of good and evil. It’s not difficult to determine this; by listening to yourself, you will understand how much and what you invest in the relationship.
A stable balance causes stability. Getting back as much as you put in is accompanied by a feeling of fairness and satisfaction. The imbalance drains the one who gives more and destroys the relationship. Any imbalances are fraught with a gradual but steady deterioration of relations and a break. A situation where one person controls the relationship and the other does not demonstrates an imbalance. Measuring balance and assessing your relationship can only be done from a conscious position.
Controversies
Contradictions in relationships exist and will always exist as a consequence of differences between people. They create the uniqueness and individuality of each of us. Every person is a cosmos.
Those contradictions that are not overcome turn into difficulties and are accompanied by conflicts, scandals and misunderstandings. Stubbornness, despotism, the desire to insist on one’s own, to the detriment of the partner’s needs, destroy relationships. Once stumbling upon insurmountable contradictions, a couple may become so distant as to break up.
Contradictions require attention and skill to overcome. Behind each of them there is a simple human need. They seem to collide with each other and conflict. Intrapersonal conflicts, of the same nature, are experienced very painfully. Serious condition Each of us felt an internal split.
In a couple, contradictions separate, alienate from each other, cause a desire to insist on one’s own, defend one’s position, suppress, and win. Confrontation or concessions are bad tools for overcoming contradictions. The best way is cooperation. It is necessary to recognize the need behind each position, and the right of each partner to satisfy their needs, then unite together and invent new way solving a problem in which each of the needs is satisfied. This is difficult to understand and implement, but it is possible and necessary for the couple to stay together. The process unites, unites, promotes understanding, develops creativity and cooperation.
Unhealthy Relationship Habits
Unhealthy Relationship Habits – secrecy, deception, aggressiveness, tendency towards emotional or physical violence, psychological games and manipulation - too heavy an unconscious legacy of family traditions, destroy relationships.
Often, moments of openness of one of the partners are accompanied by abuse of his vulnerability by the other. A person pays for intimacy with pain. This is how dissatisfaction, closedness, resentment, and a sense of danger accumulate. These habits require awareness, long and scrupulous work on yourself and relationships. Trust and sincerity are the true benefits that you will receive as a result. You can ensure your safety and prevent your partner from treating you badly.
Monotony
Monotony is another feature due to which relationships can reach a dead end. Using a limited arsenal of strategies in a relationship causes calm and stability, and then boredom. If there are few strategies, they will lead to the same results, or they may become so outdated that they will no longer bring results. good result. We need to look for new and successful interaction strategies. Be open to new knowledge and new actions. Sometimes it's good to do something differently than usual, get the result and evaluate it. Get a good result, reinforce this new strategy and praise yourself. Flexibility promotes variety and is good medicine from stagnation and boredom.
One or more reasons lead the relationship to a dead end and destroy it. The more there are, the more malignant the destruction. A tangle of interconnected reasons that support one another is much more difficult to disassemble and unravel than one. At the same time, the approach of the point of no return leads to the collapse of the relationship. They either exhaust themselves completely or die painfully and painfully. One or both partners, having completely lost hope, move on to the stage of separation. There is a “veto right” of one, both when entering a relationship and when leaving it. It is almost impossible to revive a relationship if one has experienced a feeling of global dissatisfaction and has passed the point of no return. Hope dies forever, but this is far from the end. The relationship moves into the stage of separation. Read about this in the next article.
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There is a myth that people fall in love at first sight and their love lasts forever. However, no one builds houses like that, no one gets a profession like that, and no one recovers like that.
I believe that a woman builds relationships. Do you know why I don't counsel couples? Because, as a rule, a man asks to prove that a woman is wrong. And he expects nothing else from the psychologist. I believe that a man only reacts to a woman.
He won't react that way to a psychologist. I work with women only because I firmly believe that when a woman changes, a man’s attitude towards her changes.
This article contains the 7 most common mistakes I have encountered.
The main mistake in a relationship is a lot of talking on the part of the woman. And this is not just talk. This is when, instead of explaining the reason for her sadness, she says: “I’ll explain to you how to do it right! I know! You don’t know, do you even..."
She begins her moralizing, for example, in the car, at a moment when he cannot even get out of it. And she continues to blow his mind all the way on an insignificant topic. Then they come home, eat, go to bed, have sex, and in the morning everything repeats.
Women have another one common mistake. They constantly go to the extreme - “always accessible” or “absolutely inaccessible”. There are 2 points:
When a woman is available to her partner for intimacy regardless of his behavior, she loses value both for herself and for her partner.
When a woman takes the position of a tough leader or “mother” in the family, her feelings disappear. sexual attraction. Because in a man’s head, “mom” and “sex” are two different things. “Mom” is for love, but for sex you need to look for another woman.
A woman is a combination of a girl and a mother. Together we get a calm, harmonious woman who knows how to show flexibility. Mom cannot be flexible because she is constantly worrying about something and has to be right. And a girl cannot be flexible simply because she is stupid.
When a woman learns to feel herself, she understands what calm joy is. And he learns to find the tools to reach such a state.
Women are waiting for a man to come and do something and make things good. It won't be good. Because the need for love is a basic need. We can only fulfill our basic needs on our own.
And, if a woman does not know how to satisfy her basic needs on her own, dissatisfaction will increase. Although, it would seem, she acts as she should, and the man acts as they write in magazines. But she doesn't feel it. And this leads to people breaking up.
A woman often tries to convey to a man that he does not correspond to her ideas. She constantly repeats statements such as: “You are lazy!”, “How much can you?”, “You never earn money,” “When will you make a decision?” And conveying information to him from such a position will ultimately turn him into a “cat” who will not want to come to her.
I have this allegory when we take a tiger and hit it with a slipper every day. We tell him that he is not strong and not a tiger. I suggest women say phrases like “You know, I'm sad,” “You know, I'm very upset because I explained to you how important this is to me, in the hope that you will understand me.”
Thus, the woman gives the man responsibility for her condition. It is very important. Because all women expect responsibility. He is an absolutely comfortable creature who doesn’t really like extra responsibility.
And it is much easier for a representative of the stronger half of humanity to make a woman feel comfortable than to later be responsible for the fact that she is sad.
I have been working for 15 years and for a long time I didn’t understand why girls with absolutely different statuses, age, experience and upbringing make the same mistakes. And what did I understand?
The responsibility of parents is enormous. Parents should give their daughter the experience of happiness, by which she will later identify herself in society. For example, I was not taught to feel happiness. And when a girl goes out into life, she does not know what a state of happiness is.
She knows the state of fragmented rewards for good grades, good behavior, or anything else. And so she goes out into life, not knowing what happiness is, and meets a man who says: “I am happiness!” She takes him to her place. 2-3 years pass, and she does not feel happy.
The main task of parents is to convey to their children what happiness is. And, if a woman educates and cultivates in herself a feeling calm joy, it solves two problems at once.
A friend of mine has a daughter who is 3 years old. When she approaches him, she immediately shows affection. By and large, nature shows a girl’s behavior model. If a woman behaved like this all the time, then the man would have no chance of remaining indifferent. But where does all this disappear with age?
Why, when you start communicating with a girl, do you have to wait so long for her to cling to you? When women were children, they did this unconsciously. Why do they need to be taught this again?
This is anxiety. Experience from previous relationships. When a girl has been deceived three times, she begins to think: “What if he doesn’t need this? What if he pushes me away?
When I cling to him, say a kind word, then he will have no choice to be bad. The same is true for our children. First, you must always accept their feelings. If your daughter cries, you should never tell her that she is crying because of nonsense.
It must be said that you would also cry in her place. You need to empathize. One tool is to let your child know that he is okay.
You need to say: “In any situation, I am with you.” And you need to stop yourself from moralizing. Many people say: “I’m with you in any situation, but listen, when I was your age...” And it begins...
A man must learn to speak. When he doesn't talk, the woman feels unwanted. The problem is that they make plans alone and do not discuss them with the woman. If he says: “Today I am working in order to buy us a house in three years,” then the woman will happily support him.
In the eyes of a man, if he lives with her, comes home and eats soup, it means he loves her. But a woman doesn’t understand this. Women ask: “How can I understand that he doesn’t look at me much, comes late and sleeps in another room?”
When I ask this question to men, they answer: “Well, I’m with her! Everything is fine". You need to talk to women. You need to say: “I’m tired. Prepare me this dish." And she will be happy.
How to convey to men that you need this?
The fact is that women see in detail. That is, they are made up of fragments big picture. And men see the big picture. When a woman does something and asks a man: “How’s it going?”, an explosion occurs in his head. He thinks that if he says it now and doesn’t get it, there will be a scandal.
There is one good game. When your man asks you to do something, for example, asks you where his shirt is, or asks you to make tea, you tell him the following: “Three words that are important to me, and I will tell you where your shirt is” or “5 kind words, and you will have the most best tea in the world".
A man really needs to be trained for some time to constantly say such words to you. Later he will use this tool independently.
Why does a woman, when she goes out, stand in front of the mirror for hours and want to look a little better for strangers but can't find the time to look good at home for your man? This happens because the woman is worried about public opinion. Her man is already nearby.
It is much more important to her that it is not her husband who will say something wonderful, but someone else who will tell her husband about what kind of beautiful wife.
This is not a very healthy position and needs to be eradicated. I believe that being beautiful is a woman's job for the rest of her life. It doesn't matter how old she is. It doesn't matter who she works for. Under no circumstances should you let yourself go.
Simple techniques to be happy:
Resentment does not go away, especially if the factors that cause it do not disappear. If it doesn’t spill out, it means it accumulates inside, and this causes stress and illness. And, of course, it destroys relationships - slowly but surely. If you or your partner do this, then it’s worth thinking about, because then this is no longer a relationship problem, but your personal or your partner’s about why your or his desires remain unexpressed.
Disrespect for each other's boundaries.
If you and your partner have reached the point where you are showing mutual disrespect for each other's personal boundaries, it's time to break your illusions. There is nothing easier than to stop feeling attached to someone who disrespects you.
People can continue to live together without respect and awareness of each other's value, which leads to absolute ignorance and indifference to the needs and desires of the partner. Well, what kind of continuation can we talk about?
Contempt for your partner.
It doesn’t matter what motives caused the contempt, be it a failed career, changes in appearance, or something else. Partners should support each other in any situation, because isn’t this warmth what we really need under any circumstances, and especially during some personal problems.
If you start to treat each other with contempt, no longer receive warmth from the relationship, and live not with a friend who will understand, but with a cold creature who judges you, why continue?
Lies in relationships.
If you or your partner is lying and you are afraid of hurting him or him, but in fact you are not protecting him, but are only making it worse. The truth will come out: you cannot lie your whole life without ruining it for yourself and your partner.
Child psychologist - online
Well, if you say to yourself: “We are happy, I am happy, everything is fine with us,” when you feel that everything is already over for you, this is also an escape from reality.
That's a lie too psychological problem, which concerns the personality itself and the reason for it is by no means what happens here and now, but in childhood and needed here psychological help
. We have articles on lying on this topic:
Mistrust.
If you don't trust your partner, then there are reasons for this. If they are so serious that trust cannot be regained, why stay with this person? To spend your whole life checking, worrying and wasting your and his nerves? Another person or you yourself will never be able to prove that you are right. But you yourself will also not be able to reconsider your views on trust in your partner. You will simply demand more and more evidence of fidelity or truth from your partner, but this is just a thoughtless waste of feelings. And here you or your partner should think about whether you trust yourself if you have chosen such a partner? If there is no trust in a relationship, then the result is simple: you (or your partner) do not trust yourself and it’s time to sort it out underlying reasons the psychologist's mistrust in the You can do this if sign up on the website Vashe-oznanie.ru.
Swearing in public.
Anything good you can say about your partner can be said in public. And it’s better to leave all the bad things for personal conversations. Scolding a person in public means only achieving a negative response or hidden resentment. And then, what example of your relationship do you show to society? Should those who heard and saw your quarrels say: “It would be the same for us!”
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In addition, if you scold your partner in public or even just allow yourself unpleasant jokes about him, it means that dissatisfaction is growing inside, which has already begun to spill out.
Distance.
If you often look for ways to be away from your partner and make a conscious effort to avoid contact and... intimacy, it's time to get rid of this.
You have already broken off the emotional connection with your partner and thus “gently” let him know that it’s all over. Maybe it’s better to do it right away, rather than create suffering and doubt?
Demanding proof of love.
“If you love me, you...” It is very tempting to control a person’s life in this way, and if you periodically hear this phrase, then something has gone wrong.
The only person who can change his feelings is himself, and your actions have nothing to do with it. Or It's time to change your beliefs about love by consulting a psychologist.
Well, if you say so yourself, think about whether you really need this person, will he become loved if he does something? And is it possible to manipulate someone you really love?
Public humiliation.
If your partner humiliated you in public once, with high probability he will do it again and again. It doesn’t matter that he drank a lot that evening or was in a bad mood.
Public humiliation of a partner only speaks of deep self-hatred, and no matter how much love you give to this person, it will not improve the situation without his strong desire to change and work with his self-esteem in consultation with a psychologist.
And this is difficult not only to correct, but even to admit.
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Obsession with another person.
If your partner is obsessed with another person - whether he is friends with him or hopes for a closer relationship - sooner or later this will lead to a breakup.
Of course, this does not mean that partners should completely immerse themselves in each other and give all their energy to only one person, but an obsession with someone else is fraught with suspicion, jealousy and resentment.
Yes, your partner is clearly missing something in your relationship if he is so drawn to another person, but you are unlikely to be able to give it to him. And you certainly shouldn’t cheat on yourself for the sake of another person.
Obsession with pornography.
There's nothing weird or bad about partners watching porn together. Some semblance of voyeurism helps to get aroused and find something new that you can later try in bed with a partner.
But if one partner is obsessed with pornography, complete satisfaction will always elude him: in pursuit of the Grail of multiple orgasms, he may end up on a path of sexual perversion.
So, if you are not satisfied with such arrangements, think about both the root cause of this obsession and the possible consequences.
Emotional infidelity.
Some people believe that monogamy is the only possible variant relationships, for others it is difficult and almost impossible.
If you cheated for the sake of a variety of sexual experiences, the relationship can still be saved, but if there is an emotional attachment to the person with whom you had intimate relationship, it's time to end the relationship.
The first question people ask when they find out their partner is unfaithful is: “Do you love him/her?” Because it is the emotional, and not the physical, connection that is the core of the relationship, and if it is gone, then there is nothing more for you to do here. But the fact that you are still in this relationship already makes you or your partner codependent. And you are in this relationship not because you can give something to each other, but because of fear. What question? This needs to be clarified in consultation with a psychologist.
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Unconscious behavior.
If you unconsciously do things that are harmful to your relationship, this is your psyche telling you what you really need.
You can think whatever you want, but your actions speak of your true desires better than all your assurances and hopes. And this also shows disharmony within.
Obsession.
If your partner has an obsession with, for example, alcohol or drugs, he/she is a shopaholic, a gambler, a workaholic or obsessed with sex, you will always be in second or even fifth place and will not get what you want. emotional connection, which I would like.
If you don't have an obsession with something, your partner's addiction can ruin not only his life, but yours as well. Not a very pleasant prospect. And here saving a person is also a futile idea. Obsession is a person’s choice, and there is no need to “change the course of the river.” No one will thank you for this.
Painful attachment to exes.
If your partner still maintains a more than close relationship with his ex-passion or husband/wife, this is destroying the relationship.
Former partners need to be respected, especially if you have children together, but the first role is still given to the current partner. If this doesn't happen, it's easy to feel unimportant and unwanted, which is a recipe for breakup.
Constant comparison and ratings.
Does your partner compare you to those who look more attractive, earn more, are smarter and more interesting than you? This is a form of humiliation. If someone thinks the grass is greener in someone else's yard, that's where they go.
People are unique creatures, although they are similar in many ways. You shouldn’t compare yourself, let alone listen to it from your partner.
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Indifference.
Why stay together if you don't care about each other?
In general, conflicts in relationships are a way to get rid of pain, but their reasons may vary. This can be a way to open the boil of dissatisfaction and resentment that has arisen in the relationship in order to clean out the wound, remove what is bothering you, and save the relationship.
But it also happens differently, when conflicts are a way to break off a relationship, to tell the other person that it is over, that it is no longer worth torturing each other.
And it’s better to learn to distinguish one conflict from another together with a psychologist, otherwise it will be painful and bad for both partners.
Why does this question even arise? I often find that many of my clients experience feelings of loneliness and difficulty creating relationships. Moreover, the paradox of the situation is that I hear from single men that they really want to meet a woman and love her, build a family, have children and live in perfect harmony, and the same thing comes from single women! And they live in big city, communicate and intersect with many people during the day, but inside they feel a longing for spiritual closeness with a loved one.In our lives, communications have become so rich and surface contacts frequent, that we have no shortage of people around us and communication, sometimes we are even cramped, and we get tired of each other. Social media have entered our lives so completely that a person gets the impression that he communicates and has an exchange with other people: we quarrel in the feed, make peace, support each other, congratulate each other on their birthdays, etc. Real life is replaced by a kind of surrogate for relationships with other people. You may not leave home and feel tired from contacts and communication.
The problem is that such a surrogate relationship is very superficial, and people come with a great hunger for intimacy. There is some kind of illusion that a little more and I will meet the one or the one who will definitely be my soul mate, given to me by fate. And these halves meet, people even try to start a relationship, but then resentment begins, unjustified expectations, an attempt to “remake” the other, playing in certain psychological scenarios.
But the problem is not that we have not met a “suitable” partner - we are often afraid of intimacy, we are afraid of opening up, talking to each other, showing feelings, accepting them from others. "Leaving is much easier than staying." It seems you just need to meet the right person, and the relationship will “bloom” on its own, so we go in search of the next “true” love.
It turns out that, despite the funeral epitaphs, the very values of relationships and love have not gone away; most people want this and feel the need for it. But a difficulty arises - how to integrate this into life, how to realize these aspirations in new realities.
There are ideas that it is quite possible to live without intimacy in a relationship (especially in a big city) - now there are no social expectations from young people to start a family, there is no need for a strict distribution of roles to survive in society - a man and a woman are compared in income level, have equal opportunities to build a career, etc., the issue of arranging and organizing everyday life is resolved jointly. I don’t want to evaluate the changes that are taking place, but I recognize here the presence of such a tendency, already a fact of our life. The sexual sphere has become liberated enough for a man or woman to satisfy their physiological needs “without obligation.”
The question arises: why and for what purpose should we start a relationship with a person? After all, everything can be obtained. People begin to strive for career heights, professional fulfillment, and making money; this emptiness is filled with workaholism, and the desire for relationships is replaced by new love connections, from one partner to another. And getting closer, opening up, becoming interested in another person, somewhere experiencing anxiety, worry that he will be rejected, deceived, or being disappointed in unjustified expectations - all this seems so unjustified, too costly, uncertain, and does not provide any guarantees of a happy relationship.
Now a large number of people who experience loneliness and emptiness try to drown it out with something. Over time, the colors of life fade, superficial acquaintances look like running away from real ones. deep relationships, no longer bring any pleasure; substitutes for professional achievements do not save you from the feeling of loneliness. Receiving quickly used emotions does not bring about deep feelings and changes in a person, new experiences, his presence here in the world, which is only possible in a close relationship with another person. The feeling of buying, for example, a new phone or car no longer brings lasting joy, the pleasure of sexual contact with another partner is very fleeting and, as one of my clients said, very quickly you want to be left alone and send this girl out the door. And so on, all the time she wants more and more, it’s like a “black hole”, she will never get enough, but what she had before is no longer enough for her, she is hungry again.
After some time, depression, apathy sets in, fears and anxieties arise, or anger and aggression arises, blaming the men and women around them, and oneself. As one client, a 40-year-old man, a lonely but quite successful manager in his profession, said, that if he dies in his apartment, no one will remember him except his colleagues and his manager, because he won’t come to work. No, he doesn't want a relationship precisely because he is afraid of dying, but such fears arise as by-product, including feelings of loneliness.
Fear of death and loneliness are intertwined with each other, like other existential realities. Close person and the feeling of love softens these anxieties. We are all afraid of dying, but when something happens to a person that threatens his life, or he gets sick fatal disease, then he immediately remembers his loved ones or thinks about his loneliness, what kind of relationship he had, whether he loved or was loved by him, whether he can manage to do something else for the people dear to him.
Another problem is when people have already met each other, but then something happens and the relationship is destroyed, or rather, people themselves destroy it. There are a lot various reasons, Why is this happening. But "tolerate" another person with another inner world, values, your unique personality, life experience, with your fears and anxieties is very difficult and requires the joint desire of both partners and their involvement in each other, the need to be in the space of relationships, not afraid to talk about each other, about their feelings and anxieties.
What prevents intimacy?
There are some attitudes, scenarios, illusions that can create difficulties in existing relationships or prevent you from getting closer to another person:1. Love arises when the “other half” meets.
There are many illusions and ideas that a happy relationship is the key to love that arises spontaneously or “magically” between people created for each other. This topic is speculated on in movies and romance novels, creating a beautiful fairy tale about the search for the one or the one. This is a very common story and quite popular. What happens when there is such a picture of the world?
Responsibility for the relationship is removed. After all, how can you influence them, since there is an unknown power of “love”, which someone rewards only at their whim. It happens very in a simple way explain to myself my failure, indicating that I have stopped loving or that they no longer love me. Often I come across people’s attempts at the beginning of communication to find this “spark”, a harbinger of love, after feeling which they can be sure that this is the one or the one.
Setting such a criterion for relationships, people may never start a new relationship. If people have entered into a relationship, then when difficulties begin on both sides, which are natural in any relationship, they begin to be disappointed that it was not love, but passion, desire, infatuation or something else.
I in no way deny that there is love and such a wonderful feeling of tenderness, sensitivity, care, trust and devotion to your loved one and to a loved one. But it does not arise by anyone's will except ours, when it is the result of two people going through a joint experience of intimacy. In the beginning there may be sympathy, interest, desire to know better than man. But all this is the fruit of relationships between people who went through different feelings towards each other, overcame conflicts, resentments, experienced joy and tenderness, anger and indignation. All these feelings are natural in a relationship.
2. Inability to talk openly about your feelings and experiences.
This is one of the most common problems that people face in relationships. At first, they experience a romantic upsurge, exciting emotions, excitement, try to please each other, “keep face” and see the other in such a selective representation. Negative feelings, periods of conflict and tension arise a little later, but they arise in any case! And here it is important to be able to talk about this with a partner, to set aside time for this when people are alone, and nothing/nobody bothers them, and they talk sincerely. If this is not done, then the tension accumulates, breaks out and splashes out with resentment, irritation, insults, which happens if a person himself does not fully understand what is happening to him and drives him away unpleasant feelings. But they don’t go anywhere and will definitely “get it out” on their partner, “get revenge” on him. All this requires, first of all, attention to yourself and your needs, desires, experiences and feelings. And only then attention to the partner and the desire to get to know him. Relationships do not create themselves and people do not get closer to each other without sharing their real inner world.
3. Manipulation.
One of my clients made a request in therapy: “I want my husband to grow up and start earning more so that I can rely on him. To which I asked, why did you come to me and not him? - I just want to learn do what he wants." Of course, manipulation is such a desirable skill, a tool that is partly condemned by society, but if you do it “for the good of a person,” then you can use it to do good, because “I know exactly what is good for everyone.” Or I remember one story from practice when a client was asking how she could influence a man and “capture him” if he decided not to be in a relationship with her. In response to my comment that he still decided so, it was his responsibility, she said that it was not so important to her, she wants to be happy with him, and he will also be happy, because she loves him and will do everything for their relationship. Manipulation destroys intimacy, takes people away from each other, it becomes a surrogate for relationships.
Yes, external goals are achieved - the person next to you does something the way you wanted, but not the way he wanted, because you made a choice for him, made a decision and took responsibility for him. Manipulation gives a feeling of power and the ability to decide the fate of another person, to influence him for the benefit of his own goals, which are often completely unrelated to love and true intimacy. This is the lack of boundaries for the manipulator himself and the non-acceptance of the boundaries of another person, freedom and its limitations for every human being. These actions cover up a person’s own fears of loneliness, lack of self-worth and anxiety from helplessness that it is impossible to completely control one’s life and always get what one wants. A narcissistic state of mind arises in a person, that they cannot love him as he is with all his weaknesses and shortcomings, that he is not worthy of love. In this case, manipulations are designed to run away and hide from oneself and one’s imperfections, manipulating not even others, but oneself.
4. "They lived happily ever after."
IN happy relationship there are no conflicts or misunderstandings. This thought gives rise to the fantasy that being with your loved one will be easy and happy life without misunderstandings, conflicts, resentments, anger and irritation. Any person and any relationship can be ruined. But in all respects, people face irritation and conflicts, resentments, but not everyone can withstand and experience them, be in them. This is a natural tension that arises between two personalities, and a great illusion that there are people with whom it will not exist. How many people do I meet who encounter difficulties in relationships and, instead of trying to solve them together, run away from these relationships. They meet new partners, and this whole circle repeats. You have to accept one thing - a relationship with another person, it is always not only joy, happiness and pleasure, but also pain, discomfort, difficulties in accepting another person. This is what most people run away from when they have experienced a period of “romantic” upsurge and are faced with the natural other side of any relationship. As J-P said. Sartre "Hell is others."
5. Expectations from the relationship.
How often can you hear some expectations from relationships from both men and women: “I only need serious relationship, I am building a family and want children; I don’t want to be sat on my neck and used; I want a relationship without obligations and just sex; I want her to accept the dominance of men in the family; I want him to communicate less with friends and pay more attention to me" and further down the list. When meeting with clients in my sessions, I often see these expectations from others running like a line in their eyes, people may not talk about this , but one immediately gets the feeling that a “casting” is taking place, that the other person is being perceived to satisfy his own needs.
Some people know what exactly they want to include in this list of their own ideas from their partner; others don’t even fully understand, but are waiting for something. A meeting with another person, the moment of this wonderful connection of two personalities and their worlds, is overshadowed by the search for guarantees, confirmation of a certain result that a person wants to get from the relationship. The very feeling of pleasure from communication, the process of getting to know each other, experiencing different feelings that arise between two people disappears.
This gift given to us by life, the creation of a common space of intimacy, comes down to specific criteria for one’s own “happiness.” Joy and delight go away, excitement from touching another world and the soul of a person, his values, weaknesses and wonderful qualities, his personal unique life story, his dreams and hopes, and in return comes assessments, comparisons, conclusions, his own construction of hypotheses about whether it is suitable this person is not suitable for some purposes or is not suitable.
All this comes from the fact that a person “clings” to relationships as if they were a “lifeline” or builds barriers to real intimacy, trying to drown out his anxieties and fears, to heal his internal wounds, using another person.
6. We must understand each other.
Our own idea that a loved one should read our needs, read our thoughts, understand us and be sure to feel the same as we do, have the same point of view, support us, etc., brings us back to childhood infantile fantasy, when our mother should was to read our needs and desires without words. In the lives of adult individuals there will always be an abyss of misunderstanding, we will always be faced with isolation between us and other people, as existentialists say, we come into this world alone and essentially leave alone too, and not a single person will ever merge with us into a single state. Yes, intimacy and relationships soften this loneliness, but it will never completely disappear from a human being. But how often do people get offended and draw conclusions about their partner and relationships when they are faced with a sincere misunderstanding of themselves.
7. Idealization.
It is very difficult for us to retain contradictory assessments, thoughts, and attitudes in our understanding of a person, as well as of anything else. We strive for some categorization and unambiguity, clarity inner feeling. Which often leads to the fact that we build ideal ideas about our partner, attribute mythical qualities to him or pay attention only to his merits, but do not see that this person, like anyone else, is not perfect, he also makes mistakes and can make It hurts us to be disappointed in something that does not meet our expectations. Next may come a period of depreciation and overthrow, disappointment, which many are afraid of and, in order to prevent this, run away from the relationship in search of a new ideal.
We are so different, but we can still be together.
This list could be continued for a long time, I think, but one thing becomes obvious. “Relationships in intimacy” are important to all of us, we strive for them, but we don’t always understand, know, and know how to get it. We are taught many sciences, rules of etiquette, the ability to stand up for ourselves, but we are not taught to be in a relationship with another person. After all, the most beautiful thing about our loneliness in life is the attempt to brighten it up with others. Yes, it will never be possible to fully achieve understanding with another person, we will always experience our “difference” in relationships, we will always experience negative feelings and feelings towards each other, experience conflicts, we will be disappointed in the other person, that he is not the ideal of our fantasies, we will want him to feel the same as we do, to act the same way as we imagine he should act, but This cannot be.If we want to be close to another person and feel that, despite all this, he is dear and important to us, then we need to accept these givens of our life. Intimacy is not a relationship, it is what happens through the meeting of one world with another and the willingness to accept the world of another, to be open to the other, but to continue to change, because the intimacy of one person with another necessarily changes both. Whether two people can go through this life together depends on their joint involvement and responsibility of each.
