In past relationships, he experienced mental trauma and is afraid of getting closer to a woman, content with only superficial contacts.
Resentment often manifests itself in a person due to many factors, but How, few people know. In a state of resentment, it is impossible to make conscious decisions, think correctly and enjoy life. But there is no need to be upset, since psychologists have figured out the main essence of the offense and today they will share it with you.
What do you feel
To cope with resentment and anger , first you just need to evaluate what you are feeling and sensing now. Resentment is a consequence of deceived feelings and emotions, so simply by assessing the problem, you can immediately solve it. Study your character, perhaps you are prone to taking offense, this is your habit, which you can easily deal with if you want.
Consequences of loneliness
Psychologists and scientists have come to the conclusion that you can get rid of resentment by communicating with good people. After all, when we are offended by our friend, girlfriend, comrade, we are left completely alone and we need communication and joy. For everyone, the ideal option would be to completely stop showing offence, and find positive sides in people, for this you need. It is wiser to solve the problem immediately than to remain stuck. long time lonely.
Unconscious resentment
Basically we want cope with resentment and anger, but it turns out to be completely unconscious and unfair. All people have feelings and emotions, but sometimes they need to be restrained and controlled, which will help both you and those around you. If you tend to get offended regularly, change your way of thinking and think more about good circumstances. Scientists also suggest that we look for only the good and positive in every person, in this way we will never be offended, and we are not going to offend anyone. But every person should strive for this, and then the world will become much more beautiful. After all, to cope with resentment, you don’t need a lot of time and effort; you just need to change your stereotypes and views, which are unjustified and unconscious.
When you are offended
Also, in order to cope with an insult, everything does not have to be connected with the fact that you were the one who was offended; it also happens that they were offended at you quite seriously. First you need to remember the whole situation from beginning to end and understand whether you did the right thing, whether you are to blame for such a situation. There is no need to deceive yourself and say that you are right, first analyze the situation. After which, you can find out whether you did something wrong, offended your friend, or whether he was offended by you unconsciously and unjustifiably. According to statistics from psychologists, in most cases, all grievances manifest themselves unconsciously and unjustifiably. Understanding this, you can become smarter than the situation and simply improve your relationship with the person, so that neither he nor you are offended by each other anymore. Life is too short to waste time on such trifles.
Insults and humiliation
In the rating compiled by psychologists, the cause of resentment is also insults and humiliation. Such cases are associated with non-fictional grievances. It is rather a very unfair and serious resentment that remains in a person for several years. After all, constant humiliation is not fair, that any person may not show resentment, but it will still remain in the heart for a long time. If you were insulted and humiliated, then you need to immediately apologize and begin to change your character. In this case, you will be able to become stronger and more successful, since humiliation is a consequence of a weak character and will not help you cope with resentment.
Take care of your health
The Bible also says that it is necessary be able to forgive, which has a positive effect on health. There is no point in being offended, you will not prove anything to the person, you will lose a lot of time and effort in vain, and your health will deteriorate due to negative emotions and anxiety. Do something good and the resentment will go away. We need to take care of our health, since no one will give it to us for our birthday or New Year. You decide what to do, but it’s better to be successful, happy, and most importantly healthy.
Do what you love
All scientists and psychologists never cease to convince us that the most effective option to overcome resentment and other unnecessary little things is to do the work you love. This has been proven by many studies and real examples of successful people. They said that they became successful and happy because they started doing what they loved. Take the initiative and find your place in society, then resentment and other problems will disappear and they will be replaced by happiness and success.
Rid yourself of complexes
To stop being offended, you need to rid yourself of various unnecessary complexes. It turned out that the most harmful complex that can hinder you is one that you can deal with right now. This is a completely unnecessary complex that manifests itself in a completely different way than you think. A person with such a complex does not show shyness, constraint and fear; on the contrary, he tries to hide it, to show that he does not have this complex. The manifestations are different, such as a raised voice, unnecessary leadership, unjustified criticism and humiliation of people who behave calmer than others.
Don't think about it
The most cunning and wise advice from a psychologist is to simply stop thinking about such a feeling as resentment. Forget about its existence, fill your life only with positivity and joy, and only you will notice the result. If you have additional questions, ask them in the comments, we will definitely answer them.
psycho- olog. ru
In general, I am not a supporter of helping people cope with feelings or get rid of them, but when asked “ how to deal with resentment", I react differently than in other cases. I usually help people accept and learn to express their feelings.
But the feeling of resentment stands apart from all other feelings. Its main difference for me is that it is directed at the person himself and is destructive. It is very difficult to turn a feeling of resentment into a resource (as you can do with almost any other feeling). Every time a person gets offended, he wastes his life force without replenishing it with anything.
Therefore, in my opinion, it is necessary to cope with the feeling of resentment.
In the first part of the article “ Resentment " it was said about the origin and formation of a feeling of resentment and the reaction that follows it. From childhood, this feeling passes into a person’s adult life. In general, nothing changes.
An adult becomes offended if:
- perceives the situation as unfair
- does not have the resource to solve the problem in a constructive way
- unconsciously uses resentment as a feeling that suppresses some other feeling
- benefits (by being offended, he can manipulate the behavior of other people)
So how to deal with resentment?
It is difficult to provide one general scheme for solving a problem for all people, but for initial independent research, try the following points:
1. Answer the questions
Why are you interested in the question of how to cope with resentment? Why would you want to get rid of this feeling? How does it bother you? If there is no more resentment in your life, how will that change it?
2. Try to remember all the “forbidden” feelings in your childhood
Phrases like “good children don’t get angry”, “hating is bad”, “you can’t envy” may come to mind. Who forbade you from them?
How do you deal with these feelings now? Are they still “off limits” for you? What about other people?
If you can remember these phrases, you can re-evaluate these “truths.” Until now, they were so deep in the subconscious that questioning their correctness did not even arise. And now you can formulate your truths, for example, “the goodness of a child has nothing to do with the feelings he experiences,” “there are no bad or good feelings,” etc.
“If I could have any feeling, what would I experience in this situation?”
Why is this “forbidden” feeling so scary for you now? (If in childhood there was a fear of losing the love of significant adults, now it’s...?)
If you can figure out why you are so afraid to give vent to your feelings, then by dealing with these fears, you can begin to experience the full range of feelings, and not the resentment that replaces them, which will certainly make you a happier person.
4. Can you identify a group of people (or situations) with whom (in which) you most often experience feelings of resentment?
Who from your childhood do these people remind you of? What makes these situations special?
If you can draw parallels with specific people from your childhood, this will mean that you still feel like the child you were.
What to do with this understanding? Working with the Inner Child is very difficult and you may not be able to cope without the help of a psychologist. But the essence of solving the problem is to “grow” your Inner Child, to help him outgrow addiction.
5. Do you have any benefit from being offended?
Try to objectively assess how other people react when you feel hurt and act like you're being hurt.
If you see a benefit in your resentment, then first weigh, “what is more valuable to you: receiving this benefit or coping with the resentment?” If the benefit is more valuable, then you can do nothing further, since it will be pointless (no amount of work on yourself will yield results). If dealing with the offense turns out to be a priority, then 1) you need to recognize and accept the fact that it is beneficial for you to be offended 2) look for ways to get what you want in other ways.
6. About justice
What do you think about this? Answer for yourself the questions that were voiced in the first part (I will duplicate them here):
- How did you know it was there?
- Did someone promise you? Who? When?
- Based on the assumption of justice, how can it be explained that one is born rich and healthy, while another is born poor and sick?
- Why has “injustice” persisted for centuries? Is this "fair"?
- What function does belief in justice serve for you? How does she help you? What questions does it answer?
These are only the first steps towards solving the problem " how to deal with resentment". Many questions are difficult to answer on your own. But sometimes it is enough to think seriously about a problem and begin to study it, and much becomes clear. When there is understanding, the ability to control previously uncontrollable situations appears.
Many people can live their lives loaded with grievances. The feeling of resentment is inextricably linked with the psychological aspects of its occurrence. Grievances can be very diverse, they can stem from childhood, new ones can appear, and acquire new additional aspects.
The word itself suggests a focus on the past, or rather, bad events.
This feeling actually harms a person. This feeling allows you to manipulate another person.
Sometimes people can be offended on purpose in order to control any person in order to get something for themselves. Such people understand that with the help of insults they can achieve a lot from the right person.
Consequences of frequent grievances
Resentment– this is an emotion that does not allow you to feel the joy of the world around you. There are such acute grievances that people cannot do without a specialist who will help get rid of it. Only a psychologist can help you understand the cause of this emotion and prevent it from degenerating into a disease.
Some scientists say that grievances can also undermine health. A theory has even been put forward that resentment can cause cancer, since such a person cannot forgive, and it gnaws at him from the inside. No one can change their past life
If a person is not ready for some event or does not accept it, then a feeling of resentment arises. Frequent repetition develops into a chronic form, which is called resentment. Adults are quite capable of controlling emotions and dealing with resentment, but this is very difficult for a child. Resentment, if it occurs infrequently, once, is a completely natural emotion, but it’s worth getting rid of touchiness.
A person can show resentment in different ways
Some people stop communicating with the offender, others express all sorts of complaints against him, and still others cry and remain silent. And these are just some examples. But no matter what you do, the environment will not change; it is equivalent to trying to change today's rainy weather. The offender does not care how the person feels, and he can also find many excuses for himself.
Another important point: if a person experiences acute resentment, then this situation may seem completely trivial to the offender. Maybe you are not very significant for such a person, or maybe this person himself expects more. Not all people are benevolent and noble, but many people are friendly and helpful and not everyone appreciates their good qualities.
How to overcome unfairly caused grief
To overcome this feeling you need to work on yourself. A balanced person, a mature personality, reacts adequately to insults; such people are guided by reason, not feelings. You can simply tell your opponent that his words hurt your soul. Then the offender will explain his position with reasonable arguments. He will have a feeling of remorse and shame. He will ask for forgiveness.
It is definitely worth finding out the reasons for the grief. A mature person will strive for this. The reason must be sought not only in the opponent, but also in oneself. Say not only “you are to blame,” but also think about “why am I offended.”
Very often people try to replace resentment with a joyful mood, but then it goes into the unconscious. This approach will definitely cause depression in the future, because the resentment has not gone away, it has not been spoken about. The wisest thing to do is to pronounce them, to find out the original source of the offense.
Do not forget that you also need to offend other people correctly. You should not insult a person, you need to give an explanation of the current situation, explain what caused the offense. The opponent will ask what he did and as a result of the dialogue the problem will be resolved.
You can't hide your feelings
This approach will allow you to better understand others and yourself, and remove offensive moments from your thoughts. When feelings are expressed, the reason for the offense becomes clearer. Therefore, you should not be ashamed of your experiences, emotions, or talk about them. Thanks to this method, it is easy to deal with grievances, and they will not develop into resentment.
It is worth remembering the main rule: you cannot subordinate people’s lives to yourself and your requirements. It is very important to learn to look for reasons within yourself and not shift the blame onto other people. Nobody owes anyone anything. If you take this position into your arsenal, it will be easy to experience grievances.
But there are people who deliberately touch a person, look for weak points in him, and intentionally offend him. In this case, you should not react violently, get offended, or scream. Let this situation be a lesson to perceive intentional insults as the sound of the wind.
Many psychologists recommend a variety of methods for working with grievances. One of the interesting ones is writing a letter to your offender. You need to write it alone, pour out all your experiences and thoughts, perhaps even insults, onto the sheet of paper. After such an exercise, a person will definitely feel better.
Video. Why you can't be offended by your parents.
It is very difficult to live with a constant feeling of resentment. This condition is depressing and prevents you from fully enjoying life. We need to forgive offenders, justify them, and understand them. Thus, the person himself becomes much better.
Psychologist's advice: how to cope with resentment?
As we said earlier, resentment is a heavy, destructive feeling that keeps us in the past, deprives us of strength and the opportunity to rejoice and live on. If we want to live and be happy, then it is important to let go of this unproductive feeling and get rid of resentment. But how to bring this to life if something hot and sticky is spilling inside and it seems that everything inside will collapse from powerlessness? Let us, after all, try to cope with the resentment, and our attempts will certainly bear fruit.
Create a list of alternative explanations for why the breakup occurred.
If you had a breakup in the past, and a man or woman simply disappeared, do not try to correlate all their actions and actions solely with your personality, try to find alternative options, this helps a lot.
If you are tormented by the thought: “He left because I’m bad and not pretty enough,” “She left me because I’m not good enough,” then think about creating a list of alternative thoughts.
They could be, for example, like this:
She had not completed her previous relationship, so she was not ready for a new one.
In past relationships, he experienced mental trauma and is afraid of getting closer to a woman, content with only superficial contacts.
She feels that we look at family life differently, and therefore does not see the future of our relationship.
His relationship style is to charm women. This is his way of increasing self-esteem; he is not ready for a mature relationship.
After reading all the options, it becomes easier, because the area of responsibility for failure, it turns out, does not lie entirely with you. You need to accept that some events in life do not depend on you. The people who experience separation the hardest are those who want to control everything and everyone, no matter if it’s a man or a woman. Then breakups become even more painful, especially for narcissistic individuals. They are more worried and offended not because of the loss of the relationship, but because they were treated unfairly. The main message of such a person is: “They don’t do that to someone like me.” This belief literally paralyzes the narcissist and causes him to have very negative and aggressive emotions. He is inclined to hatch plans for revenge and often behaves with hidden hostility with subsequent partners; he may subsequently break up spontaneously in order to prevent the other from breaking off the relationship with the first. Thus, he will try to avoid feeling abandoned.
Exercise "Film exposure"
One simple exercise helps to effectively get rid of resentment. Make a list of facts and qualities that you noticed in your partners, but tried to push out of your attention. These should be exactly the moments that you didn’t really like about them. Look carefully at these qualities and do not try to find excuses for them or push them out of your sight.
Exercise "Responding to Negative Emotions"
All our feelings live in our body; they penetrate our muscles like a dense frame. In order to free yourself from them, it is advisable to react to these emotions, to bring them out of the frozen state. The less we experience externally, the more our muscles store unexpressed negative feelings. In earlier times, people were much more free to express their feelings, be it anger or rage, fear or shame. Today we are forced to hide our feelings, especially if they are perceived by society as “negative”. But this happens only on a superficial level, and all our experience is internal. We hide all our conflicts and emotional traumas in our body.
Focus on your body. Try to relax, lie down, close your eyes and listen to your body. Find something more than just a feeling, something inside that prevents you from living freely. Breathe evenly and calmly, feel the pauses between inhalation and exhalation, try to imagine in the form of an image your feeling of resentment, which is rooted and hiding somewhere in the body.
It can look completely different. Try to make friends with this image, ask why it is there, ask to let you go, and let it go yourself. Take paper, colored pencils or paints to draw with your fingers, try to express your feeling on paper. This is an amazing art therapy technique that allows us to bring out from within our personality what is often hidden. You can draw the feeling more than once, you can redraw and complement this resentment with brighter colors. When you feel that you have managed and expressed yourself fully, then tear up your drawings and burn them. This will help you get rid of the resentment, it will begin to gradually go away.
This is a question most of us regularly ask. From early childhood we were taught that it is wrong to offend people around us. But for some reason they rarely talked about the fact that being offended yourself is harmful to our harmonious existence and development. Whether you remember grievances or not is your business, but let's think about whether there is any benefit from this.
Is it harmful to remember grievances for a long time?
By nature, I am a rather quick-tempered, but quickly outgoing person. Despite this, some time ago I could scroll in my head for a very long time about thoughts about unfair treatment of me. For example, such as: offended, not appreciated, betrayed, forgotten, and so on.
If you think about it, how much time are we willing to spend thinking about who? Why? and for what? He didn’t treat us the way we expected him to. I am absolutely sure that all the thoughts deposited and stored in our heads about how unhappy we have become because of another person’s ugly act ultimately lead to inadequate, low self-esteem.
As a result, it leads to disruptions in the functioning of our nervous system, anger and decreased self-esteem. Well, then, usually, well-known illnesses, nervous breakdowns, failures and disappointments begin... In general, everything that ingrained grievances against other people lead to.
How to stop being offended and get rid of resentment?
By and large, resentment is a state when you blame others for doing something wrong towards you, for acting somehow unfairly. In fact, this point of view is a losing one from the very beginning, since you expect others to treat you in a certain way, as if people “owe” you something. And in the end, after this or that person does not live up to your expectations, resentment sets in.
And of course, most often we don’t think about why a person treated us the way he did. You are hurt, you are slandered, you are unhappy. Emotions cloud the mind. All this is a rather convenient position - the position of the victim. Yes, sometimes people treat us unkindly, and yes, sometimes those closest to us do the same. It is bad news.
But there are also good ones. Do not forget that in your arsenal there are different options for perceiving the situation: forgive, analyze this unpleasant conflict, or let go of both the situation and the person, if your offender is simply a bad person.
Unfortunately, for many, the most convenient option is to blame others for unfair treatment, changing one environment for another. This is everyone’s right, and I don’t think that it’s easy to encourage an adult with such a pattern of behavior that has been established throughout his life to think that he himself is to blame for his disappointments.
But returning to the question: “ how to stop being offended?”, let us remember that we are all primarily fixated on ourselves. Let's take care of ourselves, loved ones, because our long-term grievances lead to our illnesses, to our negative mood in life, and, ultimately, to loneliness. Therefore, right now, once again scrolling through your head all those who did not treat you the way you wanted, tell yourself: “Yes, this happened. And yes, it was unpleasant for me.” Now dive in for another five minutes and stay in this state. And after five minutes, tell yourself: “That’s it, enough insults!”
After all, your life has been going on for a long time, people come and go from life, and your present is now only in your wonderful hands, from the very beginning, from a clean slate! Therefore, away with resentment and “resentment” and forward to your beautiful life, filled with the most wonderful people and events! 🙂
How to learn not to be offended by people?
Finally, I would like to give some simple but effective recommendations on how to be less offended.
- Remember: being offended is not constructive. An offended person often goes into a state of ignoring the offender, which does not contribute to solving the problems that caused the offense.
- Play sports and lead a healthy lifestyle: in a fairly quick time, in this way you will significantly strengthen your nervous system, which will smooth out such negative traits as irritability, resentment, uncertainty, and so on.
- Be realistic. Don't live in a world of illusions and high expectations. Often grievances begin when life abruptly brings you back to earth.
I hope that these simple tips will allow you to cope with resentment and continue your life path in harmony with yourself and with others. All the best! Your comments are very welcome, let's discuss this topic. 🙂
