Jokes about cats. Cat jokes - funny jokes with cats and about cats themselves

They say that only those who have not yet met their cat don’t like cats, but jokes about cats will appeal to many. The popularity of furry pets is gaining momentum not only in real life, but also in the virtual space. On the Internet there are a considerable number of jokes and demotivators about these cute and mysterious animals.

Considering how funny and capricious cats can be, it's no wonder that the collection of funny jokes is constantly updated and growing. It is futile to try to understand what a cat thinks; its behavior only fuels interest in its purring friends, giving rise to new jokes.

10 principles of a real cat:

a real cat looks after the health of its owner, helping the person stay healthy constant tone, encourages him to continuously move around the house and bend over to collect pencils, candy wrappers, socks, etc.;
While taking care of the owner, the cat must promptly inspect the refrigerator; if the person resists and interferes, even more so. This means that a person is hiding something there; to study this something and, if possible, eliminate it is the task of a real cat;
in the evenings, the cat is charged with helping the person make the bed, carefully checking that no one gets into the bed foreign objects;
even after checking, a real cat is obliged to check and make sure repeatedly during the night that no snake has crawled under the person’s blanket;
the cat must remember - human dream, just an absurd waste of time, and therefore, do not forget, at the sight of a sleeping owner, to perch on his chest, or start getting tangled in his legs in order to wake him up;
if a person stubbornly continues to sleep, a real cat should be ready to drive away scary dreams, at the sight of the owner tossing and turning in the bed, it would be good to jump on his face, lie down on his head, as a rule, the person wakes up, and bad dreams retreat;
the cat must know why the cabinet doors are not closed or the chest of drawers are pulled out, sniffing the contents, attract the person to answer with a drawn-out meow;
to amuse the owner, a real cat sings songs, sad songs are also performed;
a cat is supposed to carve out for a person part of what he is rich in - put a good part of the food from the bowl on the floor and give his fluff and wool to insulate the owner’s clothes;
and finally, during the day the cat should get enough sleep for the person. For his relatives. For friends. For colleagues. And for everyone combined.

If you are the happy owner of a furry pet, and it has at least half of the above, congratulations, your cat is real!

Funny jokes about cats and people

Funny jokes about the relationship between people and cats will amuse all owners of mustachioed cats, and will bring a smile to those who have not yet acquired their own four-legged friend:

— I had to buy a cat the other day.
- Why?
— My wife is afraid of mice.
- Where do you get mice from?!
-So I slowly brought...
- For what?!
- I always wanted to have a cat...
- What do you think our cat is rattling about in the kitchen?
- Did you feed her?
- No.
“So he’s preparing something.”

These cats are worthy of respect. I transported my Muska to a foreign city and “forgot” her at the station, without money, without food. And she returned home. She didn’t make a fuss, didn’t call her names, didn’t write slander to the police. Not like mother-in-law...
In those infrequent times when my cat comes to me and wants to get a little affection, I retreat, hiding behind the sofa, let him know what it’s like.
I happened to witness a woman talking to a cat stuck in a tree. Her last phrase is simply on the spot:
- If so, don’t yell! Take the damn nest already and go to bed!!!
First of all, the happy new settlers brought a cat into the house, and the cat closed the door and rearranged the lock. peephole threatens with an axe.
One day an American, a Russian and a German started arguing over which of them would be able to feed the cat mustard.
The German caught the animal and stuffed the mustard directly into his mouth.
- Violence! - the Russian and the American protested.
The American puts the condiment between the Doctor's mugs, and the cat swallows it.
- Deception! — the Russian and the German were indignant.
The Russian grabs the cat and drops mustard down its tail.
The cat hisses, howls and immediately begins to wash itself.
“And that’s it,” the Russian grinned, “with enthusiasm and song!”
Recently I deftly grabbed a mosquito with my hand that the cat was chasing half an hour, demonstrating his prey, unclenched his fist right in front of her nose. In my opinion, respect appeared in her eyes for the first time...
Olga Sergeevna chewed Whiskas and peeled off the wallpaper in the hallway, but her husband still called her a hippopotamus, not a cat...
Just don’t lie that you haven’t ever brought your beloved cat to the mirror. And then explain to him that it is him in the reflection. Everyone did it.
Isn't it possible to do something more modest? cat food call? Why does my cat eat “Tender foie gras with pineapple pieces” and I eat sausage sandwiches?

Cats and cats know how to cheer you up and make you smile with their antics. Even just by looking at funny photos or reading jokes about cats, you can get a charge of fun and positivity.

Cat jokes, if animals could talk...

In trying to understand the mysterious nature of cats, what a help would be the ability of cats to speak our language! Alas and ah, communication with little purrs occurs without words, which does not prevent us from humanizing them in numerous anecdotes. Jokes from the faces of cats and other animals cause even more laughter and a desire to read them.

A troll and a cat met. The furry one was surprised:
- Who are you?
- I'm a troll. I play dirty tricks on people. I trash everywhere, break things, get rowdy at night, and disturb my sleep. And who are you?
The cat thought...
- Perhaps I’m a troll too...

A man and a cat are sitting on the porch.
“Eh,” the man sighs, “my wife gave birth to triplets yesterday...
“Don’t panic,” the cat answers, “you’ll give it away.”

The cat ends up in the other world and appears before the Almighty. He asks:
“I hope that you will feel comfortable and cozy here.” What do you want to ask?
“Oh my God,” the cat meowed, “all my life I’ve been running around like a catechumen, carrying food and hunting mice.” How I wish I didn’t have to repeat all this here.
“I heard you,” God said and gave the cat a soft bed and plenty of food.
After a while, a dozen mice end up in heaven.
— I hope that you will be comfortable and cozy here. “Ask what they dream about,” said God who met them.
- God, all our lives we did nothing but snatch crumbs and escape from cats. We don't want to run anymore!
“I heard,” God said and presented each of them with a skateboard.
A couple of days later, God comes to the cat:
- Do you like it here?
- And how! – the cat purred, “I’m delighted with the bed, with the toys, the food here is excellent, and that snack on wheels is top class!”

A cat plays blind man's buff with a cat:
- If you manage to find and catch, I’m yours... and if not, then I’m sitting quietly behind the curtain!

An old, seasoned cat programmer came out onto the balcony, looked at the cats walking in the yard, and said:
- So a new generation has grown up who did not have the opportunity to experience all the charm of warm monitors...

Once upon a time there lived a cat who was so intelligent and understanding, except that he could not express himself in human terms. And the hostess wailed every day:
- Kitty, you’re so smart, say something! Why aren't you silent?
One day they were sitting at the table, the hostess was talking about the same thing: the cat, if only he could say a word. The cat thought and said:
- The ceiling will collapse soon!
The hostess is in shock, sitting, her eyes round - and then a piece of plaster falls on her head.
“And why,” the cat sighed grumpily, “it’s all “cat, talk, yes, cat, talk”…. And when I talk, she doesn't listen.

Cat principle number one: if you accidentally wake up, eat!
Cat principle number two: sleep lightly!

The cat's reasoning:
“You’re all jealous and envious of us cats, but you think life is easy for us?” First of all, try licking a fur hat for half a day!

An effective method for bathing a cat:
Clean the toilet thoroughly.
Lift the lid and pour in shampoo.
Find and, calming the cat, bring it to the toilet.
With a sharp movement, place the cat in the toilet, cover with the lid and sit on top.
The cat will whip up soap foam.
Press the drain button several times in a row. This will ensure a thorough rinse.
You will need an assistant to open the toilet door, and you are advised to run as far as possible, throwing back the toilet lid along the way.
A clean cat will jump out of the toilet and dry out in the open air.
If you have any questions, ask and I will answer. Sincerely, always yours, Dog!

The cat caught the mouse and asked:
- Do you want to live?
Mouse with frightened eyes:
- With whom?
- Ugh, lost... I already don’t want to eat!

Cats are a miracle in themselves, but talking cats are a doubly miracle. However, in jokes and anecdotes about cats, everything is possible, the more fun it is to read them and get a dose of healthy laughter!

Another funny joke about cats

Why is a cat better than a wife?

The cat is happy when you return home. At the same time, the later you come, the more happy you are (this will not work with your wife).
A cat is always content with its fur coat and does not demand another, even if the neighbor’s cat has a fluffier and more beautiful one.
You can always pet and cuddle a cat. Conversely, if you are not in the mood, you don’t have to do it. Finally, the cat won’t say a word if you want to pet another cat.
The cat is a worthy listener, but does not demand this from you. She never burdens you with advice, filled, in her opinion, with the wisdom of life and knowledge of the human soul.
You do not know her mother and other relatives, you do not need to visit them.
The cat doesn’t sit on the couch watching TV series or discuss you with her friends on the phone. She doesn't need to be taken out on vacation, she genuinely enjoys being at home, and she doesn't blame you for stealing. best years her life.
You don't care where your cat brought her kittens from.

Internet cats are winning more and more hearts of fans, sometimes touching with their mere appearance, and funny fictional or real-life stories contribute to the growth of popularity. And finally, one more joke for those who like to surf the global network:

The entire Internet chooses and loves cats, because you need to walk with a dog more than once a day - and this means several hours away from the computer...

Smile more often – it’s healthy and pleasant, and numerous jokes about cats will help you!

The most funny jokes about cats and cats

P The offended kitten was put in a corner, where he committed another offense.

AND She opens the refrigerator in the morning. - Soooo. Who drank all the milk? What am I going to cook porridge with now, water or what? Me: ask the cat who drank. Wife (in a completely different tone): Oh, that kitty drank. Kitty, come here. Have you been fed? did they give you something to drink?

M The snake got tired of the cat and took it away, but the cat came back... And so on several times.
Finally the man drove him very far and swerved and confused the road all the way. As a result, he got lost and called his wife home on his cell phone from the forest:
- Has the cat come?
- Yes!
- Come on, call this bastard to the phone!..

- U I have a cat who lives in my yard and tags my car every evening. In the morning I come to work, there is also a cat living in the yard, sniffing, indignant and marking... In the evening I come home, and the first cat is marking again with curses, and this has been going on for a month.
- They are friends by correspondence.

WITH dorm chat.
"Can someone borrow a cat? We need to clean up a broken egg."

A did you feed the cat before going to bed early?

P The first law of a cat: if you accidentally wake up, eat!
The second law of a cat: sleep lightly!

H A person, in the eyes of a cat, is a mobile sofa.

E If a black cat crossed your path, followed by a black mouse, and followed by a black granddaughter, then the grandfather was not pulling a turnip, but a high-voltage cable.

TO How to give a cat a pill.

1.Sit on the sofa. Pick up your cat and hold her gently to your chest, as if you were bottle-feeding a baby. Talk to her gently. Index and thumb right hand Gently press the cat's cheeks while holding the tablet (be patient). When the cat opens its mouth, throw the tablet inside. Let the cat close its mouth and swallow. Release the cat. Notice where she ran.
2. Pick up the tablet from the floor. Remove the cat from behind the sofa. Hold the cat to your chest with your left hand and repeat the process
3. Remove the cat from your bedroom and throw away the worn-out pill.
4. Remove another tablet from the package. Hold the cat close to your chest with your left hand, squeezing its hind legs tightly. Forcefully open her jaws and push the pill down her throat. index finger right hand. Keep your cat's mouth closed until you count to ten.
5. Remove the tablet from the aquarium. Remove the cat from the closet. Call your spouse.
6. Get on your knees, holding the cat tightly between them. Hold her front and back paws. Ignore the growling. Make your spouse hold the cat's head tightly while forcing a wooden ruler into the cat's mouth. Pop the tablet into the mouth and vigorously rub the cat's throat.
7. Remove the cat from the curtain rod. Remove another tablet from the package. Remember that you need to buy a new curtain rod and a new ruler. Carefully sweep up the pieces of porcelain figurines that were on the fireplace. Place the pieces to the side and then glue them together.
8. Wrap your cat in a large towel. Ask your spouse to lie on the cat so that only the head is visible from under the armpit. Place the pill in a straw. Open the cat's mouth with a pencil. Blow the tablet into it.
9. Check the label to make sure the tablet is safe for use in humans. Drink a glass of water to remove the taste. Cover your spouse's hand with a plaster. Wipe the blood off the carpet cold water and soap.
10. Get the cat out of the neighbor's shed. Take another tablet. Place the cat in the cupboard and press the door against the neck, leaving the head outside. Open your mouth with a spoon and push the tablet down your throat with a rubber band.
11. Bring a screwdriver from the barn. Reattach the door. Place it on your cheek cold compress. Check when you last had a tetanus shot. Throw away the shirt and get another one from the bedroom.
12. Call the fire department to remove the cat from the tree on the other side of the road. Apologize to your neighbor who crashed his car while dodging a cat. Remove the last tablet from the package.
13. Tie the cat's front legs to the back legs with twine and tape them tightly to the leg of the dining table. Bring some strong gardening gloves from the shed. Unclench the cat's jaws with a spatula. Push a pill into her mouth, followed by a large piece of meat. Holding your head upright, pour a glass of water into your cat's mouth.
14. Ask your spouse to take you to the hospital. Sit quietly while the doctor stitches up your finger and hand and removes pieces of the pill from your eye. On your way home, stop at a furniture store and order a new table.
15. Call a veterinarian at home.

R conversation between two friends:
- Just imagine, in my house a mouse is mocking a cat!
- Like this?
- Yes, the cheese in the mousetrap is smeared with valerian.

G ost sees the owners' cat and asks:
- The name of?
- Saucepan.
- Because it climbs into pots, like Kuklachev’s?
- No, because he’s castrated.

TO It's not people that the owls get used to. They get used to their refrigerators

IN My wife and I left the store, and there was a very cute kitten on the steps.
The wife, in a tender voice, said, “He’s so cute... Let’s rip his head off.”
People around began to worry and turn around until we took the fish out of the bag.

M oh cat lives by the principle: “I’m tired of eating and sleeping.” And throughout the day he puts commas in different places.

M We have long known that when cats piss on bushes and corners, they are marking their territory. But recently, scientists have found out why cats piss on car wheels - they are the bastards who send text messages to each other.

WITH then to the fish department. The guy in front of me asks for a kilogram of capelin.
“Take this one,” the saleswoman suggests, “it’s a little more expensive, but look at the quality!”
- Thank you, no need, I’m for the cat.
“But cats don’t eat capelin!” the sales worker is amazed.
- Well... This is only the first three days.

TO from in boots is a fairy tale. And the cat in slippers is reality. Cruel, stinking reality.

P First fact: if a cat gets angry, its tail starts to move.
Second fact: if you move a cat's tail with your hand, it will certainly
starts to get angry.
Conclusion: if you hold a cat's tail, it will physically not be able to get angry.

M The snake brought his favorite cat to visit a purebred cat. But he ignored her point blank. As he leaves, the man says to the hostess:
- Look, what a proud cat you have! I didn’t even look at my Musenka the entire evening!
Cat:
- If they would pop out your eggs, you’d be proud too!

ABOUT I'll give the cat to good hands, and if your hands are very good, then take me too!

- E If a black cat crossed the road in Moscow, it means she was very lucky.

N and nothing sounds as terrible to a cat as the word small child: "Ki-i-i-sya-ya-ya!"

IN in Kenyan villages, if a black cat crosses the road, it is considered bad omen. Because apart from panthers, there are no other black cats there.

ABOUT One day my cat Borka went bad. He got into the habit of making a puddle right on the rug under the TV. As usual, I angrily poked his nose into the puddle, but then I acted unconventionally - I stepped back a couple of steps from the wall so that I had room to swing, and terrible force launched the cat across the room open window. He aimed carefully, otherwise he would have slid down the glass, like in the cartoons about Tom and Jerry. Where the cat would fly next, at such a moment I didn’t care - we have the first floor on a high base, and under it there is a flower bed.
What outraged me most was that Borka didn’t worry during his flight either. Who doesn’t know, cats have large pupils and do not rotate in their orbits. If the cat needs to look to the side, he turns his whole head there. You can check by swinging the sausage in both directions in front of the cat's face. Borka was fluffy and flew slowly. And, the bastard, he turned his head around, looking at the passing sights. A scream was already heard outside the window.
I thought for a long time why he suddenly became such a masochist. And then I looked out the window and realized that spring had come. There, in the flower beds, his cat was spinning, so he came up with such a spectacular flight...

IN two friends meet...
- How are you?
- Divorced... I live on medications... Valerian five times a day...
- Poor thing, no one loves you, no one understands... .
- Well, why? The cat... loves it!

TO I respect your eyes. He took the cat to another city and left it in a landfill among the homeless without any means of support. And she returned home. She didn’t yell, didn’t threaten, didn’t write a statement to the police. Not like mother-in-law...

ABOUT announcement:
"Free in good hands: red kitten, 6 months old, affectionate, playful, all vaccinations completed, toilet trained, ideal for families with children.
Or:
Husband, brunette, Brown eyes, 35 years old, kind, sociable, good well-paid job, but hates cats. He says that either he or the cat will live in the house.
Come, have a look and choose the one you like best!"

WITH I'm going to the toilet, a cat comes in, sits on the tray, I stroke it and say:
- Come on, pee, my furry girl!
Dad shouts from the room:
- Lucy, I’m embarrassed to ask, who are you talking to in the toilet?

P why is a cat better than a wife?

1. The cat rejoices at your arrival. At the same time, the later you come, the more happy you are (for some reason it’s the other way around for wives).
2. The cat is always happy with its fur coat and does not require a new one, even if the neighbor’s cat has a more beautiful one.
3. The cat can be stroked and caressed at any time. Conversely, if you are not in the mood, you don’t have to do it. Finally, a cat doesn't mind if you pet another cat.
4. The cat knows how to listen, but does not require it from you. And she never gives you advice, imbued, as she believes, with a wise knowledge of life and human nature.
5. You do not know her mother and are not obligated to visit her.
6. The cat doesn't watch TV shows or talk on the phone. She doesn’t need to be taken to the theater, she likes to stay at home and doesn’t blame you for ruining her best years.
7. You really don’t care who your cat got her kittens from.

- H Didn't answer for a long time?
- I smoked on the balcony...
- 40 minutes?
- Well, I also watched the fight...
- Whoa, what kind of fight?
- Yes, two grappled, yelling, fighting...
- Why are they yelling?
- Meow, meow!

IN I drank valerian the night before the exam - all night I dreamed of kissing a girl with a mustache.
Next time, before taking valerian, I will throw the cat out of the room.

- P Rikin, I almost burned myself several times. I wanted to name my wife after my mistress. I had to get a cat. He called it Masha. Now this is all great...
- Beautiful. So, why so gloomy?
- Yes, a week ago my wife bought a dog... She named it Ashot... I’m sitting here... thinking...

- D I spent a week beating my cat for a puddle in the toilet, but it turned out that the tank was leaking...
- That's right, why the hell didn't he fix it in two weeks?

M A scarlet boy brings home a kitten and says:
- Mom, can I keep it?
- Can. What should we call it?
- Let's call him Moishe!
- What are you, son! Moishe is a human name. Let's call him Vaska!

P giving birth to kittens. 2 weeks old. As it turned out, they know how to swim and have a developed collective intelligence.

N and when a new mine was opened, according to tradition, the cat was thrown in first. It was she who, getting out, scratched the first three tons of coal.

P A guy comes to visit a friend. He sees a huge cat with an extremely evil appearance. Asks:
-Can I pet the cat?
Friend, very secularly:
- O, sure! . . Now I'll just bring iodine and bandages...

IN SO CAT!
A friend told me. They have a cat, and a very clean one at that. And she and her husband taught him to go to the toilet, but not just to go, but also to flush after himself! Her husband spent a long time adjusting the drain mechanism so that the button moved smoothly.
And then one day the owner noticed that the cat, who had come in “on his own business,” did not come out for a long time. Looking into the toilet, she was shocked. During this time, the cat pressed the drain, listened and pressed again.
It turns out that on that day the cold water was turned off for two hours!..

TO he pressed his cold nose to my forehead and froze.
Something is downloading...

P I brought home a hamster in a cage. That's how my cat got a TV.

We all simply idolize our pets - cats and cats. We look after them, feed them, treat them, etc. make them laugh! Yes, every cat got into or created a situation that cannot be called anything other than an anecdote. Based on such situations and simply the habits and character of cats, many funny jokes have been compiled. The site "Murlo" has collected the funniest jokes about cats and cats, and they are all below. But be careful, because laughter can not only prolong your life, but also tear your stomach :-D

Before I do anything, I always ask myself: “What would my cat do in my place?” As a result, I always go either to eat or to sleep.

Cats are magical animals that can achieve from their owner with just one “Meow” something that would require dogs to run, jump, give a paw, fetch slippers and guard the house!

At the housewarming party, the first thing the owners did was to let the cat into the apartment - she closed the door, changed the locks, has been living here for two years now, and still shows an ax through the peephole in the door.

From a conversation between two friends:
- Imagine, in my house a mouse is mocking a cat!
- O_o, how is this so?
- Yes, the cheese in the mousetrap is spread with valerian.

When a new mine was opened, according to tradition, a cat was thrown into it. While getting out, he scratched the first two tons of coal.

When I bought it for myself, I couldn’t even think that it would make a Persian stain on my Persian carpet!

Looking at my cat’s behavior, we can say with confidence that I live in his apartment, and judging by his look, it’s high time for me to move out.

The train is coming. Suddenly it slides off the rails, but then rides back on them. One passenger goes to the driver and asks with interest:
- I beg your pardon, but why did the train stop running?
- There was a cat sitting right on them!
- Well, I would have crushed him!
- So I just caught up with him on the field...

At the pet store. Seller to buyer:
- It’s better to choose another food, because this one can cause constipation in the hamster.
Buyer:
- The cage with our hamster is on the chest of drawers on which the cat likes to jump. So our hamster does not have constipation.

A man brings his cat to visit a purebred cat, and he completely ignores her. While walking, the man says to the hostess:
- Oh, how proud your cat is, he never even looked at my cat all evening!
Cat under his breath:
- If they cut off your balls, you would also become proud and would not come to visit today...

Pathetic creature! You exist only to serve me! Obey, or I will kill you and destroy your entire family!
- Kitty, kitty, kitty, why are you meowing? Do you want to eat again? I'll feed you, kitty-kitty...

A man is sitting and solving a crossword puzzle. Suddenly he asks his wife:
- Honey, do you know a nine-letter bird that no longer exists?
- This is our canary!
- Why?
- Because while you idiot was solving a crossword puzzle, the neighbor's cat ate it!

Dad says little son:
- Now let’s buy a bottle of beer and we can go home.
- Dad, dad, let's buy a kitten too!
- Son, what are you saying, kittens don’t drink beer!

A guy comes to visit his girlfriend. They sit and drink tea. A very angry looking cat comes into the room. The guy asks:
- Can I pet the cat?
Girl, very secular:
- Of course you can! Just wait, I’ll bring you bandages and iodine.

From a conversation between two blondes:
- Can you imagine, last week my cat disappeared, but the day before yesterday I found him on the street and brought him home. And yesterday my cat returned. Now I have two identical cats.
- Wow! Can you imagine how surprised your first cat was? He returns home, and it turns out he’s already there!

Jokes are jokes, but nothing compares to funny video jokes about cats! We recommend watching the most funny video about cats 2014!

There are a great many jokes about cats and cats. They are specially composed, they remember true stories from life, where unfortunate cats made them laugh with their unpredictable, and often inadequate reaction, play on well-known scenes and sayings, in general, wherever there is a humorous moment, you can drag in mustachioed tails, and this will only make it funnier.

Don't believe me? See for yourself: the most relevant topic for today is about March cats.

Vaska the cat jumped, drowning up to his belly in snowdrifts, nervously twitched his whiskers and shouted in the most disgusting guttural voice somewhere in the heavens:
-Where is your vaunted spring? Where is the sun, green grass? Where are the fat mice? Where are the girls finally? Why still snow and cold?
And only people looked at this action through the windows and shook their heads approvingly:
- Well done Vaska, he senses spring is coming, you can’t fool a cat!

The joke arose from the plot: a huge ferocious cat came out on his own a regular walk into the courtyard of a private house and boldly overcame the hated snowdrifts, while still meowing something eloquently. Video posted on YouTube great amount views, people laughed and came up with an interesting voiceover.

But most often, March cats are associated with unbridled love impulses, heart-rending howls under the window all night and boasting.

The cat was asked:
– Tell me, is it true that in March...
- What do you? Don't narrow the world, March is no exception!
Cats, like women, love with their ears. Otherwise, why do cats yell so much in the spring?
The guy complains to his friends:
- How tired of these cat screams under the window! These are the loving creatures of March... I have already released a bull terrier on them...
- So what, he ate the cats?!
- Yeah... Don't you need bull terrier puppies?
One woman had a cat who was extremely loving, not only in March, which the owner really didn’t like. No matter how she tried to persuade him, called him to his conscience, threatened him, the cat didn’t care. As a result, the woman took him to the veterinarian, who performed magic on the cat with a scalpel and did his dirty deed. As soon as the cat recovered from the anesthesia, he immediately went on a spree and returned skinny, tattered, but happy!
Confused woman:
- You were castrated? Why did you have to go outside?
- And what? Burying such talent without training the youth?
In spring, the cat Leopold is inspired and energetic, he counts not only on friendship.
Cats don't lag behind cats in March.
Two cats met:
- He promised to marry me!
- When?
- Yes, at the beginning of March.
- Oh, listen more, they promise everything in March.
A cat and a cat play hide and seek, he leads. She playfully told him:
- Close your eyes and count to ten, and then look. If you find it, you will get everything you dream of, and if you don’t find it, then remember: I’m in that closet over there!

Jokes from the series about a man and a cat

The “love” between men and cats is widely known, I wonder why they hate each other so much? After all, they can’t live without each other either!

There is a selection of jokes about a man who wanted to get rid of his cat.

Neighbors chatting:
— I am very worried about my husband. He went to the river to drown the kittens, but still has not returned.
— Maybe he’s looking for a more comfortable place? Or says goodbye...
- Maybe, of course, he’s saying goodbye, but why did the kittens crawl home an hour ago?
The man was determined to get rid of the cat, so he got it. He took him to the forest, and before he could get home, the cat met him in the hallway. What to do for sure? The guys at work advised me to put the cat in a bag so that he couldn’t see the road, and not just take him into the forest, but twist and turn constantly, so as to completely confuse the cat. So the guy went early in the morning: a kilometer to the southwest, ten kilometers to the north, then three hundred meters to the east and a couple of times in a circle. I was tired, my head was spinning, I sat down to rest, and threw the bag into the bushes. It's time to go home... Damn, it seems like I’m in the wrong place, and I don’t think I’ve passed anything like this... Already after dark he calls his wife:
- Is this creature at home?
- Yes, I came a long time ago
- Ask him, should you turn right or left from the big birch tree?
One family got tired of the cat and decided to throw it out. But to prevent the cat from returning home, because everyone knows about this ability of animals, they came up with the idea of taking him further away and choosing a wiser path. So a man and a cat went into the forest, not a word from him, his wife was already starting to get nervous. Deep at night the doorbell rings and both are standing on the threshold.
The wife pounced:
-Where have you been hanging around? Why did they let you go into the forest? Why did the cat come back with you?
- Yeah, if it weren’t for the cat, I wouldn’t have gotten out of that forest, followed in his footsteps home.
A man and a cat are talking in the kitchen. The man is nervous:
“My mother gave birth to three people yesterday, I can’t imagine what to do.”
The cat calms down:
- Just think, triplets! Give it away in no time and that’s the end of it!

One man was a football player, and his cat never slept on the floor, curled up in a cozy ball.
Male logic: if I woke up at night, it means they woke me up; if you wake up in the middle of the night, then the matter is important and urgent, so, cat, I’m listening to you carefully.
A man's cat shits in his slippers and he's sitting there thinking about what to throw in the trash: the cat or the shoes?
Cats and men have common feature character: they are suspiciously affectionate when they are hungry or have messed up somewhere.
- Darling, we need to get a cat.
- And what? Stalled?
The man stayed late with his friends, tiptoed home so as not to wake up his wife, and did not turn on the light. With drunken eyes, he stepped on the cat in the dark, the cat screamed like crazy, his wife jumped up and turned on the light. Before she woke up from her sleep and looked at her watch, the man got out of it:
- Here you are, you brute, where are you lying down? Why have I been looking for you this morning? Why am I worried?
The men are sitting and drinking. They talk about their cats:
— My cat’s name is Penoplast: I drown and drown him while fishing, but he keeps popping up.
- And my nickname is Boomerang: no matter where you throw it, it still returns to its place.
- Well, I have a cat Giordano Bruno.
- Yes, you are a sadist!
- Don’t think anything of it, he just loves to look at the stars through a telescope.
A man's cat was constantly shitting on the carpet in his room, no amount of talking helped, and neither did swearing. The man remembered a proven method - poking the cat's nose into fresh things so that he himself becomes disgusted. Once the cat did something dirty, the man poked his nose and then threw it out the window, fortunately, it was on the first floor. The second time according to the same scheme, the third... The cat continues to shit on the carpet. Here the man thought hard about what else to do, sat down in a chair, and became quiet. He sees that the cat entered the room without noticing the owner, settled down on the carpet, did his dirty work, poked his nose into the pile and threw himself out the window with a scream!
The other day I caught my husband rubbing his laptop with my cat!
- Mom, let's buy a kitten?
— No, I’m allergic to animal fur.
- Darling, for a mink coat too?

Cats in everyday life: what could be funnier

Today the cat managed to shit so badly that he accidentally ended up in his litter box.
A cat is such a smart animal that when it shouts “Where are you going?!”, it automatically changes its direction vector.
The worst nightmare for a cat: a child’s hesitant step, outstretched arms and a joyful: “Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” And behind the back there is a wall.
Our cat was also afraid of the vacuum cleaner at first... but then nothing happened, she got used to it.
The secret of perpetual motion is simple: a cat plus a package.
How can we explain to the cat that the apartment is already ours and there is no need to mark it?
For two weeks we raised a cat for puddles in the toilet. It turned out to be more prosaic - the pipe was leaking.
There is not a single person who gets ready for work on a rainy autumn morning and does not envy his cat.
-Can I pet the cat?
- Of course you can! Now I’m just going to the pharmacy to get iodine and bandages.
Grandmother calls the Ministry of Emergency Situations:
- Hello, my cat can’t come down from the tree. Come and help me remove it.
- Grandma, the cat will come down on its own when she gets tired of sitting there.
- Fiends, what if she can’t do it herself? Will he die of hunger there?
- Grandma, do you often see skeletons of cats in trees?

A little girl visiting saw a kitten for the first time, while the cat allowed it, played with it, played with it, and poked its muzzle into the milk.
Suddenly he shouts:
“Dad, the kitten’s face is dirty in milk, please wipe it off.”
- Don't worry, mom will lick him.
The girl impatiently tugs at her mother’s skirt:
- Mom, well, mom, does the kitten always walk around dirty when you lick it?
A husband and wife at the resort remember whether they did everything at home and turned it off:
- Did you give Vaska food?
- No, I thought you would do it.
“We come across some unlucky cats; no matter the holiday, they die.
At work they argue about the benefits and harms of keeping hamsters in an apartment. The argument ended the argument:
“Once I didn’t have time to buy Whiskas for my cat, but the hamsters really helped out.”
The cat’s thoughts when she settled down to shit on the carpet behind the sofa:
- Yes, it’s impossible, of course, but there are mitigating circumstances: no one sees - that’s one, it’s dark around - that’s two, well, I’ll bury it securely - that’s three!
— Ambulance? Come quickly, our son swallowed a live mouse!
“We’re going, but in the meantime, open your son’s mouth wider and hold the cheese, what if the mouse jumps out for the cheese?”
The ambulance arrived, the picture: a son, his mouth open, a sprat held in front of his nose.
Doctor nervously:
- I asked for cheese, not sprat, mice love cheese.
-Yes, but now we are luring the cat out.

Cats and food: funny stories

The most famous joke about a cat and buckwheat (pasta, potatoes and the like that cats “love”).

The man decided to save a little, he thought, why not eat buckwheat for several days: is it healthy, cheap? But the cat did not immediately understand his train of thought.
First day at my bowl of buckwheat proudly:
- Eww, what disgusting, no way!
The second day at the bowl of buckwheat is sad:
- Buckwheat again, no variety.
On the third day, at the same bowl with the same buckwheat, but with hope:
— Is buckwheat healthy?
On the fourth day, the cat flies into the kitchen, stops at the bowl and joyfully:
- Oh, they give me buckwheat, hurray!!

Or briefly:

- Ew, buckwheat...
- Buckwheat again?
- Oh, buckwheat!
Vaska was a strange cat: he respected herring under his fur coat, meat behind the sofa, sausage under the table, cutlets under the blanket... In general, he was very shy when it came to food.
How cultural traditions are formed based on cinema: many people still eat a sandwich with the sausage down only because in the cartoon one cat said that it tastes better this way.
The cat is a very sociable creature. He will never blame you for eating at night. He will just eat with you for company!
The Jews bought a kilogram of meat and hid it in the pantry. In the morning we poked our heads in and there was no meat. They began to think where it could have gone, suspicion fell on the cat - she ate it! They caught the cat, put it on the scales - just one kilogram of weight.
Then grandfather says:
- Okay, we found the meat, but where did the cat go?

The cat comes to the bar and says:
- A glass of beer and salted nuts, please, I got a job nearby, I’ll stop by.
The bartender is perplexed, but serves everything. The cat sat down at the bar, sipping beer. The bartender couldn't stand it, how could it be talking cat with beer? He calls the circus director and tells about what happened. The director drives up to see such a miracle, rejoices, comes up with a number on the go and begins to seduce the cat:
- Do you want to earn a thousand dollars?
- I want to, but what should I do?
- Well, I’m the director of the circus, I wanted you to come to us...
- Well, actually, you can go to the circus, but I don’t understand. Why do you need programmers?

The quintessence of humor about cats

Remember how it was before: “Once a Russian, a German and a Frenchman met....” and the story went on for half an hour, where by the end the beginning is already forgotten? Now all jokes should be short and very funny, memes are gaining particular popularity - a funny drawing or photo where a well-known situation is played out, and the current characters are replaced by popular personalities - that’s the whole point, or they fantasize about mischievous cats on the theme of photography.

Memes about cats are funny to the point of tears, it’s very unexpected to see the faces of animals in a certain situation.

Jokes on a sore subject for cats

IN veterinary clinic After the operation to castrate a cat, the nurse writes out documents and fills out a card:
- Cat's name, age?
— Fidel, now Castro, two years.
I am sure that there is an invisible but strong connection between the owner and his pet. One day a cat injured its paw, and for some reason my leg started to hurt, or something else... Stop! Damn, I signed the cat up for castration tomorrow!!!
A beautiful and slender girl rides on a bus and holds a kitten on her lap, gently stroking it.
The man next to him could not stand it and playfully hints:
- I wish I could be in your kitten’s shoes!
The girl pulls him back:
- Well, that’s unlikely: I’m taking him to the veterinary clinic to be neutered.
The old maid sits in her kitchen, drinks thin tea and turns over her dreary life in her mind: how would she change it? Now, if suddenly there was such a smart and understanding man next to her with similar life habits, whom you don’t need to be embarrassed about, who will always understand and be loyal to her, who will be glad to see her return home from work, who will warm her lonely bed, who will caress her in the morning and talk all sorts of things sweet words... Her gaze fell on the cat. Here! Here he is, the man of my dreams! Now, if only for my righteous life, for my impeccable reputation, higher power they would reward me and the cat would turn into a man...
The cat looked at her with some deep thought, even a little vindictively:
“You fool, did you forget how you took me to these executors to castrate me?” I told you it wasn't necessary!

In jokes, the theme of cats and cats is inexhaustible; life itself constantly throws up fresh ideas, these animals are so original and amazing.

The best selection of funny videos with cats

If a black cat crossed your path, followed by a black mouse, and followed by a black granddaughter, then the grandfather was not pulling a turnip, but a high-voltage cable.

My cat thinks that I live with her. And sometimes in her gaze I catch a hint that it’s time for me to live separately.

Neighbor asks neighbor:
- Why do you have it when you wash it?
- Aren’t you screaming?
- No.
- How do you squeeze it out?

A joke about a castrated cat

The veterinary clinic has completed the operation to castrate the cat. The nurse in the waiting room fills out a log and asks.
— What is your cat's name?
- Fidel... Now Castro...

A cat is an ideal household item.
It even has a self-packing function included in the basic configuration.

The cats of the breed are so large that they often change owners.

For two weeks we scolded the cat for puddles in the toilet...
It turned out that the tank was leaking.

Most best friend- it's a cat. He will never say, “Why do you eat at night?” He will eat with you!

Only once in my life have I experienced a real shock - when I realized that our cat had learned to open the refrigerator.

Joke about lazy cats

Three cats argued which of them is the laziest.
First cat:
“Sometimes they bring me milk in a bowl, I’m too lazy to lap it up.”
Second cat:
“Yesterday they brought me a cat, it almost sat on my nose - I was so lazy to open my eyes.”
Third cat:
— Yesterday you probably heard a cat screaming in the entrance? So I stepped on it, but was too lazy to move away...

— What does your cat need to be completely happy, besides a jar of Whiskas?
- Well, maybe just a small opener...

New from Japanese robot builders! New model cybercat practically indistinguishable from a living thing, but asks for food in eight languages, tears up wallpaper and furniture under musical accompaniment and shits strictly in places programmed by the owner.

Today the cat pooped so badly that it ended up in its litter box.

This is famous joke about buckwheat, only instead of buckwheat there is pasta:

The owner feeds the cat pasta. On the first day the cat ate everything, on the second day he approaches the bowl:
- Ugh, pasta...
Leaves. The next day:
- Ugh, pasta again... and he seems to be burying it
Leaves. On the fourth day it comes:
- ABOUT! Pasta!!!

Two friends meet.
- Why are you so sad?
- Yes, I buried the cat.
- And what happened?
— Killed by lightning.
- How???
- Well, I was buttoning my jacket, and he stuck his head in...

When a new coal mine was opened, it was customary to throw a cat into it. While getting out, she scratched the first ton of coal.

A kitten's stomach is no larger than a thimble, so the liter of milk it drinks is under pressure there, like in the epicenter of a nuclear explosion.

How cartoons influence our lives. Many people still eat a sandwich with the sausage side down just because in the cartoon one cat said that it tastes better this way.

The cat is missing. Without one hind paw, one ear and half a tail. Nickname Lucky.

A cat is an animal that, upon the command “Where?!”, automatically changes the direction of movement in space.

So a generation of cats has grown up who didn’t have to lie on a warm monitor...

Joke about a cat and a man

A man got himself a cat. And he constantly shits in the middle of the room.
He decided to fix this matter.
As soon as the cat takes a shit, he grabs him by the scruff of the neck, pokes his nose into the shit and throws him out the window.
Once I did this, twice, nothing changes.
A man sits and thinks what to do next...
Then the cat comes into the room again, shits neatly in the middle, pokes its face into the shit with a flourish, and jumps out the window with a wild meow...

Once two cats met. One says to the other:
- What cool red glasses you have...
“The owner bought this for me so that I could mistake the porridge for minced meat.”

Two neighbors meet. One asks:
-Where is your cat?
- Yes, you see, my husband is a pilot, he decided to check if you throw a cat from an airplane, will it land on all four paws or not?
- So how is it?
- How, how... The cat returned home, but her husband is still missing!

Yesterday my daughter and I drew this. And imagine, in the morning they found exactly the same one under the door. And now we are drawing a villa in Nice and a Porsche Cayenne

My cat constantly shits on the streets, and I hit him for it. So I have the feeling that the cat thinks that I’m hitting him because he didn’t do much!

Two cats are talking.
- So, are you serious?
- Yes, he promised to marry.
- And when was this?
- In March.
- Yes, they promise everything in March...

— My cat is in past life was a bailiff.
- Why did you decide that?
- Well, first he wrote a complaint past the tray, and then he also made an arrest in the corridor.

— Why do you have such a strange Instagram?
-What's strange about it?
- Are they just the same photos: birds, fish, a hamster?
- So it was my cat who took the photo.

The cats that live in the blacksmith shop don’t understand how can you be so afraid of such a small thing as a vacuum cleaner?

Our cat was also afraid of the vacuum cleaner at first... but then nothing happened, she got used to it.