How to restore trust in a person. How to regain the trust of a loved one after a lie

How to regain trust

Prosperous and happy relationships between a man and a woman are built on mutual understanding, love and ... trust. At the same time, it is often the last component of a happy relationship that is most important, because what else, if not trust, is hard to earn and very easy to lose.

Why is trust the most important? In a relationship in which there is no love, but there is trust, life goes on as usual. A man and a woman no longer have such warm feelings for each other as at the beginning of a relationship, but they are sure that when one feels bad, the other will lend a shoulder of support. But, if there is no trust in a relationship, then over time, love also leaves them. Moreover, if trust is lost with a strong feeling of love, it can even push a person to commit a crime. Suffice it to recall how many family crimes began with banal, at first glance, jealousy. In less dangerous forms, the loss of trust leads a married couple to constant scandals that poison the life of each of the family members. Along with scandals, omissions come into family life when a person asks a partner: “How are you?”, And receives a standard “fine” in response. Moreover, this “normal” is pronounced in such a tone that the questioner can easily read the hidden meaning embedded in the answer - “leave me alone”. And, even if a person has hundreds of urgent problems, but there is no trust in a partner, he will never share his experiences with him, but he will not remain silent, but will tell everything to a friend / girlfriend.

As you can see, a relationship without trust is no longer a relationship, but torture. People, on the one hand, who have invested a lot in each other, do not want to lose a person, however, on the other hand, such family life no longer brings any joy. Of course, trust in relationships can be restored, but you will have to work no less for this than for creating these very relationships, because the return of trust in relationships is a kind of their second birth.

Before deciding what to do in order to restore trust in a relationship, you need to know why this trust was lost. It's just like with an illness - in order to prescribe the optimal method of treatment, it is necessary to identify the causes and symptoms of the disease. So, the trust of a loved one can be lost for the following reasons:

1. Jealousy. Jealousy can be both justified and unreasonable, but this does not change its essence. Jealousy “gnaws” a person from the inside, undermining even the most seemingly unshakable trust in a partner.

2. Treason. The fact of treason destroys trust like nothing else. After all, in truth, how can you trust a person who betrayed you? Fortunately, even betrayal can be forgiven, and trust in a person can be restored, but all the insidiousness of betrayal lies in the fact that the pain caused to a person does not disappear anywhere, and until the end of his days he will remember that he was betrayed by the most dear person to him.

3. The inconsistency of the words of a person with his actions. If a person talks about how dear a partner is to him, and all actions clearly hint at absolute indifference to a person, then trust will be lost sooner or later. Also, this discrepancy can occur when the partner makes a promise to change his behavior, but such a promise is not supported by specific actions for a long time.

4. Lack of trust at the initial stage of the relationship. It also happens that there was no trust in the relationship from the very beginning, and the partners simply created an “illusion” of trust, or they simply liked relationships in which jealousy and quarrels based on jealousy prevail (there are also such “sado-masochists”). In this case, advice is superfluous, since it is impossible to return something that never existed.

5. Deception. Regardless of the form of manifestation, deceit undermines trust in a partner. Even if trust is subsequently restored, a partner once deceived will no longer believe the words the first time. In order to avoid this cause of loss of trust, many partners initially agree to always tell each other the truth, but not everyone is able to keep this promise.

6. Mismatch between partner's expectations and real life. If a partner promises mountains of gold, happiness without borders and a carefree life, after which a person gets absolutely not what he expected, this greatly undermines the trust in the partner and his words.

So, if for one of the above reasons the partner's trust was lost, the first thing to do on the way to restore trust is to analyze the situation. Many mistakenly, without even really understanding the reason for the loss of trust, go to a partner and arrange an “interrogation with passion”, which only exacerbates an already unpleasant situation. To get started, you need to answer a few important questions for yourself:

1. Which of your actions dealt a blow to your partner's trust in you?

2. Are you aware of the sacrifices you will have to make to earn the trust of a person again

3. Are you ready for these sacrifices, is the person so important to you to do everything in your power to win his trust again?

4. Think back to a time when your partner completely trusted you. What were you then? What actions distinguished you, and which of them are not characteristic of you now?

5. Define the exact definition of the concept of "trust". What meaning do you put into this concept?

When you have analyzed the situation, consider the main mistakes to avoid when trying to regain trust, namely:

1. If you're wrong, don't try to prove otherwise to your partner. Of course, how many people - so many opinions, and perhaps for another person your position will be clear enough, but your partner is not another person. The partner believes that you are wrong, that you have betrayed or deceived, which means that attempts to prove the opposite will further undermine the remnants of trust in you.

2. Never blame your partner for losing trust. Very often, we tend to blame the partner and his shortcomings for the loss of trust, since this is much easier than honestly admitting that we are guilty. This is true for both men and women equally. So, a man who has cheated on his partner can say: “What do I have to do with it? You yourself are to blame for everything, there was nothing to run yourself like that. If a woman cheated, a man can hear: “Well, why should I be faithful to you? What have you achieved in your life? But Eduard is a businessman, successful and attractive.” In this situation, a person who, in fact, is absolutely innocent, is recognized as guilty of losing trust, because the decision to betray was made not by him, but by a partner. Such an attempt to shift responsibility to a partner is, at the very least, an ugly act. Naturally, in some cases, attack is the best defense, but restoring trust in a relationship is not the case.

4. Enough words! If trust is lost, the partner will no longer believe the words. Now you have to prove your intention to regain your partner's trust with deeds. We will talk about this below.

Now that the loss of trust situation has been analyzed and errors have been taken into account, we can proceed to the direct return of trust. Of course, “returning trust” sounds too simple, but in fact, it can take years to earn the trust of a partner again. However, there are tips you can follow to speed up the process. So here are the tips:

1. Admit your guilt. If your guilt is obvious, you should admit it, because without this you will never regain your partner's trust. However, after that, you should not run to your partner and rush to your knees with tears in your eyes, begging you to forgive. The only thing you will achieve in this way is to “fall” in the eyes of your partner, and become an object of manipulation. How? It's simple - the partner sees that you are ready for anything in order to regain his trust, after which you will fulfill all the requests of the partner, believing that by doing so you are returning his trust. But not here, it was - your partner will not forgive you, but to cause you the same pain that you caused him / her, you agree with joy. Therefore, no humiliation - respect yourself.

2. If the reason for the loss of trust is related to your regular failure to fulfill the promises made to your partner, you should first talk to your partner about what happened. To begin with, you will admit your guilt and say that from today your words will not diverge from your deeds. "And that's it?" some will think. Of course not! This is only the first part on the way to regaining trust, since now you will actually keep your promise to your partner, or not make a promise at all. It is also necessary to ask the partner which of the broken promises he considers the most painful. It is best to write down the information received on paper, and then analyze what can be fulfilled and for how long, and which promises cannot be fulfilled at the moment due to insufficient financial resources.

Sometimes, the correct arguments for the impossibility of fulfilling some promises are not perceived by the partner, then they should be argued again. It is very important to convey to the partner the readiness to fulfill the promises made. Even better, if some of the simplest promises are fulfilled by you instantly. So, if you promised your partners to quit smoking, take out all the cigarettes you have, and defiantly throw them away in front of your partner. Of course, this will require extraordinary willpower from you, but you were immediately warned that in order to gain trust you would have to sacrifice a lot. You want to bring harmony back into your relationship, right? Then act.

3. If the cause of distrust is justified jealousy, you will have to make a choice - either your partner or the object of your partner's jealousy. If you make a choice in favor of your partner, then once and for all you forget the coordinates of the person towards whom jealousy is directed. Do not give more reasons for jealousy, and trust in the relationship, after a certain time, will definitely return. If jealousy is unreasonable, you can just talk about it with your partner, because this is, first of all, his problem, not yours. Well, if your arguments are insufficient for a partner, then there is only one way out - to break all contacts with the opposite sex, and be close to your partner more often, it’s not too late to return home, without traditional lipstick on your shirt (for men), etc. In general, it is very difficult to live with jealous people, every day they find a reason for jealousy, most often unreasonable jealousy. And, if you want to build relationships with such people, get ready to keep strict records - where you were, where you went, who you talked to, etc.

4. Don't pressure your partner. If there has been a recent conflict between you and your partner, give him some alone time. You should not run to your partner immediately after the conflict and put up, especially if the reason for the quarrel is serious. Sometimes, if the reason for the loss of trust is not catastrophic, your partner will understand this himself, and will forgive you, even without your direct participation.

5. Solve your family's issues without involving relatives. If you are guilty of losing trust in you, then it is extremely unwise to ask any of your relatives to talk to your partner about the problem. You brewed this mess - you have to clear it up. And interference in family relations by third parties, as a rule, ends in even greater conflicts and loss of trust.

6. When betrayal becomes the reason for the loss of trust, this is the worst option, because it is extremely difficult to forgive betrayal, and for some people it is completely impossible. Pain, anger, misunderstanding, disappointment, anger, bitterness - this is far from the full spectrum of all feelings that take possession of a person after realizing betrayal. Such a person is ready to literally demolish everything in his path.

Despite the fact that women are more likely than men to experience the bitterness of betrayal, they are less likely to bring things to a break in relationships, and are able to forgive betrayal. With men, everything is much more complicated, because in this case not only his pride is hurt, but also pride! Surviving a betrayal for a man means not only being disappointed in a partner, but also losing confidence in his male viability. In order to regain the trust of a man, and earn his forgiveness, you should not:

A) Humble yourself in front of a man. We have already considered this earlier.

B) Lose your temper, blame your partner for what happened and throw tantrums. When a man is already humiliated by infidelity, accusations against him will further push him to break off relations.

C) Tell about the betrayal in all details. This will only spur the man and his imagination, after which the irritation will only intensify.

D) Asking other people to influence a man. Offended male pride may not withstand pressure from outside. In addition, if these people are your girlfriends, information about the betrayal on the same day will become public knowledge.

D) Do not focus on children. Children rarely become the reason for maintaining a family for a man, unlike a woman. In addition, this way a man will understand that they are trying to manipulate him, and he certainly will not live with you.

So what needs to be done so that a man forgives the betrayal and his trust in you returns? First, do not expect quick forgiveness from a man. Treason is not a deception for you in some “trifle” business. It must be admitted that the betrayal was a big mistake, which you now deeply regret, and that the betrayal brought you nothing but a huge disappointment. Try as little as possible to remember what happened, so as not to pour salt on unhealed wounds. Behave with dignity, doing everything you can to earn your partner's forgiveness. Time, as they say, is the best healer in this situation.

7. If the reason for the loss of trust lies in lying, you should explain to your partner what caused you to lie, what thoughts you were guided by at that moment. From now on, always tell your partner the truth, even if this truth has a “bitter aftertaste”.

8. When your partner's forgiveness is received, try to return to the memory of the situation that caused the loss of trust as little as possible, allow your partner to let go of the memories that hurt him painfully. You repented of your deeds, corrected the situation, and now it's time to leave all the bad things in the past in order to be able to build a future based on mutual understanding and trust.

And one more thing to remember - if everything was resolved successfully, and you received the forgiveness of a person, having again won his trust, this is not a reason to relax. Remember that if you lose your partner's trust again, the second time you may not deserve it. Therefore, from this day on, you will follow your words and deeds, you will not deceive your partner, and you will take care of him. After all, earning trust can be very difficult. So maybe it's easier not to lose it?

If there is a crack in the relationship, and you feel that your significant other doubts your words and actions, you should think about what caused these doubts and How. The key to a good relationship is love, mutual understanding and trust in a couple, and if any of these factors is lost, problems will not keep you waiting. If you are not sure about a loved one, there will be constant suspicions and checks, and which of us likes to feel under constant control and feel that we are being doubted? Quarrels, reproaches and scandals will follow from here, which in the future can lead to a break in relations. If you feel that a period has come in your couple when your partner no longer trusts you, try to analyze the reasons for the loss of trust, and, if you feel guilty about this, try to take all possible ways to regain the trust of your loved one. What are the main reasons for the emergence of doubts in your soul mate are most common, we will consider further.

WHY TRUST IS LOST

Trust can be compared to a very thin ice sheet on a river - the slightest pressure or wave - and it will crack into a million pieces. Also the ability to trust a person. We can say that we have forgiven, forgotten lies or betrayal and are ready to rebuild relationships, but it is very difficult to restore trust in a partner. And even if a person forgives his beloved with his heart and tries in every possible way to let go of resentment, then the mind stubbornly reminds of the disappointment experienced. Trust is a person's ability to fully open up to a partner and treat him as himself, not to keep secrets and secrets, not to be afraid to appear weak or frightened in front of his chosen one.

Once, having betrayed a person's trust, it is very difficult to regain it again, because, as the well-known saying says - do not glue a broken vase, but we, nevertheless, will try in our article to find the answer to the question of how to regain the trust of a loved one. The main prerequisites for the loss of trust on the part of a loved one are the following situations.

In the first place on this list is treason, as the most powerful and widespread betrayal, which is the most difficult to forgive. Returning trust after betrayal is a very difficult task that requires a lot of effort and a lot of time, but even this does not guarantee you one hundred percent success - the psychological nature of your partner is of great importance.

A situation where a person’s words diverge from his actions can shake confidence, because in this case, before asking a partner to fulfill a request, a person will think about whether it’s easier to do everything on his own, because then it will be one hundred percent.

There is an opinion - the one who deceived once will deceive again. Before you lie to your loved one, even in a minor detail, think about it, because this can lead to constant doubts about your words in the future.

Do not give false promises, remember that if you promised a person to do something, he is counting on you, and, in case of failure, he will be disappointed and lose confidence in you.

Jealousy can also be characterized as an indicator self-doubt and in a partner. A person who considers himself self-sufficient and respectful of himself is unlikely to show excessive jealousy. By showing that you do not trust your spouse, you cause the same attitude towards yourself, and this often causes a loss of trust between partners.

Sometimes the reality we face doesn't match our expectations. Starting a relationship with a loved one, we counted on a beautiful life, but in reality we got everyday problems and material difficulties. This turn of events often leads to distrust and reproaches towards each other.

Do not try to impress a person by giving a guarantee to reach certain heights, without having guarantees that this will happen. By giving false hopes and promises, you only temporarily maintain your image. If the relationship is long-term, then the partner will still find out that your goals are too far from real possibilities, and will stop trusting your promises.

The emergence of doubts about each other is possible not only for the reasons listed above - each couple is individual and the moment that they do not pay attention to in one pair will cause a number of problems in the other. Regain the trust of a loved one much harder than losing, regardless of the reason why it happened. Some relationships are initially built without trust, which most often occurs due to the psychological characteristics of partners and their inability to trust others.

The main problem with distrust is that it can lead to the final separation of people, even if they still love each other. It is unpleasant for none of us to feel constant doubt in our words and actions, this makes us feel guilty, which gradually turns either into irritation and hostility towards a person or into imaginary submission and agreement with a partner. However, a long and strong alliance cannot be built on such a foundation; all the same, there is a need to restore trust in relations.

Some people give up, get offended and prefer to end the relationship. Of course, this is much easier than looking for ways and options in order to regain the trust of a loved one, given that this is not always feasible. But still, love is worth fighting for, if only so that later you know that you did everything you could.

WHAT TO DO TO RETURN THE TRUST OF YOUR LOVED PERSON

Build a line of action to to regain a person's trust, is necessary depending on what caused the loss of trust. The main thing is, in no case do not lie - tell everything honestly and truthfully, do not try to hide information or embellish the situation. The more honestly you describe the circumstances, the more likely you are to regain the trust of your loved one. Be prepared for the fact that the partner will check your words, will look for their evidence and confirmation.

In the event that your partner’s trust has been shaken due to deceit, you should analyze whether you are ready to completely eliminate lies, omissions and secrets in the future.

Take note that people tend to deceive others, even in the most insignificant matters, such is our nature. It follows from this that at the subconscious level, a person is ready to forgive a deceit that does not cause him any injury, since he understands that he himself is capable of such an act. However, forgiveness is only possible with complete openness and 100% honesty on the part of the one who destroyed the trust. In such a situation, even if the deception is minor or unconscious, it can put an end to the relationship, so you need to constantly control yourself.

In the event that distrust has appeared as a result of false promises you have given, try not to continue to guarantee something that you are not completely sure of the implementation of. For example, if you would like to fly on vacation with your soulmate, but you are not sure that you will be able to take days off from work, it is better to keep silent about your plans. And then present it as a surprise, if there is still an opportunity to relax. At the same time, if things don't work out at work, you won't disappoint your partner, because he won't know about your plans. If you already made a promise, but you can’t fulfill it due to force majeure, you don’t have to lie and come up with excuses - say straight out why you can’t fulfill the promise. A loving person will always try to take your place and understand you, and if this does not happen, then perhaps you should think about the presence of love in your union.

If your chosen one turned out to be jealous, then the relationship will always be difficult. Jealous people, as a rule, do not even need a reason to make a scandal or reproach for misbehavior. It is almost impossible to return the trust of a loved one who is very jealous, primarily because such people, in principle, are not able to trust the opposite sex. A man will see flirting even in the simple communication of his wife on the phone with a male colleague, and a woman, seeing that her chosen one smiles and communicates nicely when meeting with a girl she knows, will be ready to make a scandal. If you fell in love with a jealous person, be prepared for the fact that you will need to inform him of all your movements, plans and meetings, you will have to limit communication with the opposite sex and appear at all events with your partner. A jealous person needs to be constantly reminded that he is loved, so do not limit the expression of your feelings and emotions - this will also help maintain harmony in the couple.

Hardest of all regain trust after betrayal, after all, having changed, we exchanged the one who was nearby for a completely stranger. If deception, false promises and jealousy only break the thin line of trust, then betrayal completely destroys it. It should be remembered that it is always worth trying to restore trust after betrayal, but there is a certain type of people who, despite their love and unwillingness to part, cannot forgive such a betrayal.

HOW TO RETURN THE TRUST OF YOUR LOVED PERSON AFTER BECAUSE

When feelings are just being born, and then they grow stronger and develop into true love, it seems that it will not be otherwise, and that is how you will go hand in hand for the rest of your life. But, unfortunately, none of us can know what will happen tomorrow or in a week, a year. Sometimes situations arise that turn all our previous perception of reality upside down, and then we tend to make mistakes and get confused - after all, we were not prepared for this. It is in such cases that a person tends to succumb to his desires and weaknesses, there is a craving for extreme sports and adrenaline, you want to radically change your life, and the established life looks boring and monotonous. Such a moral attitude often leads to betrayal, which, almost always, a person later regrets. However, not every partner is able to understand, forgive and continue the relationship, having learned about the betrayal of his soul mate, many fall into a rage, give in to emotions, and, at the same time feeling both pain and fear of loss, still take a decisive step and end the relationship with the traitor.

Regain the trust of a loved one if you cheated on him it is always very hard. Women experience betrayal a little easier, because at the subconscious level, a woman admits the idea that a man will go to the side. She is psychologically prepared for this, and each, depending on her character, has developed a different line of behavior in such a situation. There are women who have made a decision for themselves never to forgive betrayal and immediately put an end to the relationship, if any. However, most women still tend to forgive infidelity, but on the condition that they really feel the remorse of their partner. Of course, it will not be possible to get forgiveness right away, there will be resentment, a feeling of pain and a feeling that you have been betrayed, however, if a man behaves correctly in this situation and tries in every possible way to regain the trust of a loved one, he has a great chance of reconciliation.

With men in such a situation it is much more difficult, because by nature he is the owner and does not even allow the thought that his chosen one can exchange him for another man. The betrayal of a woman not only angers, upsets and offends the dignity of a partner, but also makes him doubt his viability and masculinity. The first thing that comes to mind for a man is that since a woman has acquired another partner, it means that he himself did not suit her enough. It will strike at self-esteem and self-confidence. The next thing that infuriates is that a stranger has taken what is his property, so men are always eager to deal with their rivals. For the most part, this is not so much because of the woman, but because someone has encroached on what belongs only to him, the only man, thereby showing disrespect to his person.

If you want to regain the trust of your loved one and resurrect his feelings for you after infidelity, you will have to work hard. First, remember, if a man really loved you, then this feeling could not disappear in a few days. Now he is suppressed by negative emotions, anger and offended pride, but deep down a man still has feelings for you, the main thing is to correctly and tactfully lead him to this thought and remind him of this. Here the situation is one hundred percent dependent on the woman - whether she can behave correctly, say the right words in time or respond with the right action. There are a number of mistakes that a woman can make forever lose your chosen one in such situation. Let's look at these errors.

1. After you have been convicted of treason, you should not wring your hands, fall to your knees and beat your head on the floor - such scenes act on a man only as irritants. A woman should always remain beautiful, dignified and proud, and the one who crawls on the floor, begging for forgiveness, causes only disgust in men. Even if you sob from the heart and talk about the fact that you cannot live without your chosen one, he is more likely to perceive this as a manifestation of duplicity and acting abilities. No matter how bad it is for you, keep your dignity and do not humiliate yourself, such behavior always causes respect among men, as they respect strength in principle.

2. Women are by nature very emotional, and often, when emotions are overwhelming, and they have no arguments in defense of themselves, the principle begins to operate: “ The best defense is an attack". In this case, a woman can say a lot of superfluous things and accuse a man of her betrayal, which, in turn, is unacceptable for a partner who is already on edge, feels betrayed and insulted. The woman begins to accuse the man of not paying enough attention to her, not being interested in her life, not perceiving her as a woman, and much more, trying in this way to justify her act. However, do not forget that with such statements you will only achieve an even greater scandal and finally lose the opportunity to regain the trust of your loved one.

3. No matter how hard your partner asks you to describe in detail your betrayal, do not give in to provocation. To begin with, imagine yourself in his place - would you be pleased to listen to the details of the betrayal of your companion? If you tell in all nuances how you cheated on your man, in the future he will constantly play these scenes in front of his eyes, because of which he will be in a state of aggression, rage and resentment. Of course, you cannot avoid talking about this event, but try to tell in a nutshell and divert the conversation from the topic of details. If your loved one, upon seeing you, will immediately imagine how you are cheating on him, then your relationship cannot have a future. Try to present the information as uninteresting as possible, gray, so that it is not deposited in the man’s memory, let him only remember that there was such a precedent, but no more.

4. Never interfere with outsiders in solving your troubles, as they say, you don’t have to take dirty linen out of public. If you complain to your whole family about how sorry you are for your mistake and how difficult it is for you to be without your loved one, then everyone will immediately begin to persuade the man to forgive you, give him advice and bring stories from life. Under such an onslaught, a man is more likely to simply run away, but will not succumb to persuasion, if only because he is used to making decisions himself, especially in his personal life. Another unacceptable option is to tell your friends about everything and ask for advice or help. Do not forget how many cases history knows when it was the girlfriend who was to blame for quarrels and breakups. In addition, even wishing you well, an outsider can greatly complicate the situation, because he does not know the characteristics of your man's character and the nuances of the situation. And, of course, it will be unpleasant for your man if they whisper behind his back, and gossip about your personal problems will go among all your mutual acquaintances. Such an environment will only reduce the chance of regaining the trust of a loved one and restoring harmony in relationships.

5. A common mistake is to tie a man to children, if any. If your husband has already decided that he cannot forgive you for cheating and wants to end the relationship, do not try to stop him with the phrase: “Stay for the sake of the children.” Even if he does not leave, this will not be the relationship that was before. Firstly, a man will believe that you are blackmailing him, and in the future he may hate you for it. Secondly, he will remain for the sake of the children, and not for the sake of you, therefore, he has the right to his personal life and relationships with other women. Think about whether you need such a family?

If you want to regain the trust of a loved one and former feelings after cheating on him, you should choose a wait-and-see attitude. Repeat to the man that cheating was a mistake, that we are all human and capable of succumbing to weakness and losing control of the situation, that you are sorry about what happened and do not experience anything else. As they say, water wears away a stone, over time, emotions will subside, and reason and logic will come out. A person will think about the fact that the past cannot be changed, but what is done is done and he has two options for solving the problem - to leave or stay.

You, in turn, try not to constantly blame yourself for cheating, and also come to terms with the fact that the past cannot be returned back. You made a mistake, apologized and repented, and then live as before and wait for your man to make his final decision.

In conclusion, it must be emphasized that confidence- the most fragile component of the relationship, so instead of wondering how to regain the trust of a loved one, it is better to think about how not to lose it in the first place.

Recently I was asked how to regain the trust of a loved one. I was going to answer ... and thought.

The very formulation of the question - "to restore trust" - is doubtful. Trust is not something that is given, taken or returned. This property of contact between two people, and it is born in the process of communication. If a person trusts a stranger from the very beginning, then something is wrong with his way of interacting with the environment. The new and the unknown carries a threat, and it is reasonable to take a closer look first. Trust can be issued "on credit", but in such cases they usually risk something that is not terrible to lose.

A common context for talking about lost trust is the relationship between friends and lovers. In such relationships, there are a number of unspoken agreements: to be faithful, to keep one's word, not to harm a friend or loved one. But apart from universal principles, unspoken requirements can be unique - and quite idiosyncratic.

One girl, speaking of her boyfriend's "faithful trust", pointed out that he was dancing with another as an example of betrayal. But after all, no one told him that he signed the agreement "to dance only with his girlfriend." There are many such cases, so it makes sense to clarify: does the partner know about the expectations, compliance with which is charged to him as a duty?

But let's dwell on the most common cases of "deceived trust" in a couple's relationship: treason, lies, failure to fulfill promises. How to regain the trust of a partner if it is a mistake, and not a consistent break in relations?

Forgiveness does not fix the situation. It doesn't undo the pain it's caused or restore trust.

The wrong way is to try to get forgiveness. There are two roles in this scenario: the criminal and the judge, who is also the accuser. The offender has already been convicted and can only bribe the judge in order to mitigate or cancel the sentence. So is the partner who “redeems”, in fact, is trying to bribe the other. In this situation, there is a lot of latent anger on the part of the guilty and open - on the part of the one from whom they are trying to achieve forgiveness.

But forgiveness doesn't fix the situation. It does not undo the pain caused or restore trust. It will not work and "earn the trust again." Here again there are two non-equilibrium roles: the applicant for mercy and the one who condescendingly evaluates his efforts. "You don't try hard!" - an advantageous position that allows you to squeeze as much as possible out of the current situation.

Trust cannot be restored if only one is involved, and the second is in the role of a judge or a ruler sitting on a throne. On the part of the "deceived" - a wave of sadistic aggression, a desire to trample on the one who stumbled. On the part of the "traitor" - anger, growing as one after another, attempts to regain trust fail.

In this scenario, forgiveness or "newly earned trust" is a sham, and it becomes apparent when the offender is reminded of his past sins, knowing exactly where his pain point is. The feeling of one's own "innocence" and the "sinfulness" of another destroys any relationship and nullifies any dialogue.

Restoring trust is a mutual process. If both partners strive to restore it, then it is possible. Not "how to regain your trust", but "what do we do with our relationship, in which trust is lost." And here the quality that arises only in the mutual movement towards each other is important: sincerity.

Healing power has genuine contact, manifested in dialogue, in the willingness to change one's point of view.

It is possible to sincerely talk about your pain from the fact that you have caused suffering to a loved one only when, on the contrary, you are not a judge or a ruler, but a similarly suffering person. Openness to someone else's experience allows you to feel its sincerity, and avoiding conversation into accusations or self-flagellation blocks sensitivity.

Trust cannot be earned, it can only be born again: through the contact of two open, naked consciousnesses, when you feel there is no subtext, there is no second bottom behind this experience. You can only feel it with your heart - and you can “forgive” with your head as much as you like.

What's next? Talk about your relationship, about explicit and implicit agreements in them, about what can be changed. The contact between two people has healing power - a genuine contact that manifests itself in dialogue, in the readiness to change one's point of view, and not to convince the interlocutor or force him to do what you want.

Restoring trust in a family where treason has occurred is a complex and often lengthy process. In order to bring yourself closer to the desired result, you need to make a decision about your behavior not with your friends, drinking wine with bitterness, and not after another squabble with your husband. The best thing in this situation is a sober head, the most neutral emotions and expert advice.

How to restore trust in the family, advises psychologist and body-oriented wellness-therapist Elena Shubina.

What should you think about after cheating?

Before taking action and starting to live a “normal life”, or rather, restoring a normal life, Elena Shubina suggests answering 3 questions honestly to herself, no matter how painful and difficult:

1. Will I be able to forgive and live with this person as before, without claims, accusations, reminders and fear that everything will happen again?
2. Will he be able to return and love me as before, and maybe even more, will he be able to do everything so that I can trust him again and be able to trust myself?
3. Do we two have the strength and desire to go through these trials and make our family stronger than it was?

The expert warns: “If the answer to these questions is “no, not sure, partially”, then you should know that it may well happen that you will not be able to save your family, and then it is better not to waste time, but to try your luck with someone else. ". In this case, the issue of restoring trust is already eliminated.

What should a woman do to restore trust?

Restoring trust is a complex inner work, and it is difficult to do it alone if the situation is directly dependent on another person, in this case, your husband. Even if you are a strong-willed woman and make a categorical decision “To be a family!”, It is unlikely that at one moment your mood will change dramatically without your husband’s special efforts.

Therefore, the most important rule is the very first thing you can do to regain confidence in a man:

1. Don't force yourself!

By forgiving, you make a promise to yourself never to remember again. about treason , do not blame your husband, etc. But until trust is restored, do not force them to behave as before. Don't force yourself to forgive and start trusting in a moment. It still won’t work, you have experienced too much emotional stress.

Also, don't rush yourself, give yourself as much time as you need. A process like forgiveness is very difficult to fit into a time frame. The options “in a month”, “before lunch”, or “by next Monday” will still not work. Reverse behavior can lead not only to the deterioration of your mental state, but also to illness.

The psychologist warns: “If you convince yourself that you have already forgotten and forgiven everything, and you can already trust, when all your communication still says otherwise, you will drive yourself into neurosis (this is at best), otherwise you will “earn” the disease. Say to yourself: “I will do everything to ensure that the ability to trust comes to me in a timely manner. I will give myself and him time. Nothing terrible will happen if I keep an eye on him for now. It's better than hurrying up and feeling cheated again."

2. Set a deadline for the test and agree on it with your husband

Without forcing yourself to "forgive before the New Year" - you may well set a very specific period during which you will look closely at your husband. During this period, there may be a number of agreements in your home that will help you understand, forgive, or decide for sure that you cannot do this.

“Agree that you will check it for some time. I know men who let their wives look into their cell phones and gave them their email passwords, just so they could forgive and forget as quickly as possible. “All this does not mean anything, if he wants to hide something, he will hide it anyway,” of course, you will say ... This is both so and not so.

Most people are still not so cynical as to purposefully create other accounts, ciphers, addresses and passwords for these purposes (this is partly why they get caught cheating). And the right to check, given voluntarily and with good intentions, is really more than healing for relationships. And by the way, usually after it you don’t want to check anyone at all, ”the psychologist suggests.

Also, ask your husband to be more attentive to you, ask him to give you more information and explain his behavior if something new happens. For example, if earlier you knew for sure that on Wednesdays he was late because he was playing bowling with friends, now this bowling can turn into much more colorful pictures in your eyes. Ask him to call and warn you, the "default" or "you already know" option does not work now.

Important! Remember that being able to test and test are two different things. Do not turn into a paranoid detective, in such conditions your husband, even if he really decided to change, will not last long, and your nerves will give up from constant stress. Be able to get out of the state of checking in time, because after you forgive, your husband’s personal space should return.

3. Develop a culture of conversation in the family

Suspicions and omissions do not make a family happy. Probably, everyone knows the “snowball” effect, when small understatements and unspoken grievances accumulate and, over time, bury all the good that is in your family. Now you not only shouldn't allow yourself to behave like this, you can't!

Now when trust in your couple seriously shaken, you cannot afford to doubt quietly, so prepare your husband for the fact that you will ask much more questions during this difficult period than before.

Here is what the psychologist advises: “Tell your husband about your feelings and suspicions right away. The fact is that sometimes we ourselves do not realize to what extent we do not understand our partners. For example, you approached him and stood behind him, and he immediately slammed his diary. Tell me right away that this caused you a storm of feelings and suspicions. Almost certainly, he will open a page for you, and you will see that there is nothing on it, and he has a habit of closing documents from the army past, you just didn’t pay attention to it before ... ”.

4. Fix what led to the betrayal

As you know, there is no smoke without fire. And in any betrayal is the fault of the other partner. Think about what the man lacked? And even if his demands are unreasonable, as it seems to you, try to give it to him. After all, if this lack led to treason, then it was very important for him. And this applies to all betrayals, even those that seem to happen by accident.

Show him again the woman he fell in love with, the one who did not want to change. Try to start with yourself and you will see the changes.

5. Develop willpower

Few people believe that willpower can be an assistant in this matter. After all, you can’t force yourself to trust on command and, gritting your teeth, say to yourself: “From this moment I believe him again.” But you can and should really want to return peace to the family again.

Psychologists say that you can program yourself for a certain step, and this internal setting will help you move on. By itself, of course, it will not change anything, but it will be the basis for your daily behavior, which, in fact, forms the reality in your family.

3 rules for men

In fact, this section should be central to this article, because it is the behavior of a man that will determine whether you can regain trust in him and how quickly you can do it.

But is there a chance that a man will see all of the following? Of course, you can show him or tell him. Or you can just know it yourself, because it is also important. The main problem after betrayal is that no one knows exactly how to behave, there is no model of behavior, how it should be, what is natural, what is not, what can be demanded, what is needed and what is not.

"Everyone does it" is, of course, a dubious kind of argument, but when there is nothing else, it is difficult to find another support. We offer you the opinion of a psychologist on how a man should behave and what to be prepared for in order to restore the family after his betrayal.

Because there is no knowledge, we can do things that only spoil everything. Below we provide a list of myths and the main mistakes that a woman can make when trying to suppress her resentment and forcibly force herself to trust her husband. As well as parting words to a man - a model of behavior that should be adopted in order to restore trust in the family.

1. “We are adults”

Any problem, especially such a serious one as betrayal, and the restoration of trust in the family after it, makes us psychologically older, makes us look for more adult and wiser solutions. Therefore, a woman who has decided to forgive and restore trust in a couple again tries to behave very wisely, calmly, with her husband she tries be silent and endure , and alone cries into the pillow.

How to behave as a man

A woman who has lost confidence is like an offended child. She is capricious, suspicious, touchy, withdrawn and vulnerable. And she can do whatever she wants. And this is normal and natural! By betrayal, you hurt her pride, and she is now trying with all her might to return it. So if you really need this woman, be very patient...

How to regain confidence in a man if he cheated

First of all, give her the right to know everything she wants about you and your life, including passwords, accounts. Perhaps you think that this is too frank and will create some inconvenience for you. Previously, of course, this was not the case, but it was YOU who lost the trust of a woman, this is your fault and therefore you need to make concessions.

2. “Not a word about treason”

There is an opinion that to forgive means to forget. This means that it is impossible not only to talk about treason, but also to think about it. But this applies only to the period when thoughts and emotions are already amenable to at least some control.

Not knowing this, some women torment themselves with thoughts about what kind of woman this was, how it all happened and why. They torment themselves, thereby driving them into a neurosis, but still do not allow themselves to talk about it.

How to behave as a man

Very often, a woman who has been cheated on is interested in details, sometimes very intimate, about how and why, with whom, in what environment this happened. This is completely irrational and will surely make you surprised and even angry. And often a woman is silent about her desire.

But despite everything, it is very natural. The woman really needs this information, and you will be wise to give it to her. The fact is that thanks to this information, a woman determines her self-esteem and experiences everything that happened to the end.

It will never even occur to you through what millstones she grinds this information, what “strange” conclusions she can draw, and all in order to, in the end, let go. For example, having learned that a girl is young, you can convince yourself that she is naive and stupid in her youth, while you might assume that your spouse will worry about her not very young years. ..

In other words, it defies logic, but you will do a good deed if you answer her questions.

3. "Nothing will be the same"

Change changes everything forever. Trying to regain lost trust, spouses often cross out all the good that was along with the bad. And building the so-called "new relationship", many for some reason believe that romantic events during this period will be clumsy and unnatural, will be something like a feast during the plague. Therefore, everyone lives an ordinary life, trying to restore peace, forgetting that happiness will not increase from trust alone.

How to behave as a man

For every woman who has been cheated on, it is very important that some kind of ritual happens that would show her that the old has passed and a new stage of her life has begun. But for some reason, men are afraid to do this, because "somehow it's not the time."

For additional comments, we have contacted Olga Volodarskaya, author of acute social detective stories. Here is her opinion: “It is impossible to regain confidence in a man if he cheated. And not worth it. Cheating can be forgiven, you can put up with it, you can find an excuse for it, you can even pretend that it didn’t exist at all, but ... you won’t be able to trust the man who exchanged you for another, no matter how hard you try.

He stayed late at work, and you think he's with her. Or on the other. After all, he cheated on you once, so maybe the second, third. And, in principle, in ten cases out of a hundred it will be just that. I have a friend who constantly forgives her husband for infidelity. During several years. And it would be nice if she just closed her eyes to them. But no, he sincerely believes that this was the last time. Needless to say, everything is repeated over and over again.

And when she finds out about husband's infidelity (and why are some men so careless?), then cries from humiliation and resentment. After all, he was so sincere in his repentance, and she believed him. Everyone says to her: "Drop it." And she hopes that he will change.

I don't give her advice. Let her decide. But, it seems to me, you need to either live with the idea that betrayal is not a betrayal at all, but a real trifle, or get a divorce.

What is your opinion?

Lyubov SHCHEGOLKOVA

Start by evaluating the relationship. Of course, it is very sad to watch the breakup of any relationship - be it a friend or a loved one - but sometimes betrayal calls for awakening and is a sign that there are still many fish in the sea. By looking at the relationship as a whole, you can decide if you want to restore trust in the person or if you need to move on.

• What kind of relationship did you have before this incident? Did you have fun and did you laugh often? Maybe you feel like it was constant hard work, and you did most of it, if not all of it.
• Did you feel like you were being listened to? Was your word as important as that person's? Was your communication free and open or closed and constrained?
• Do you feel like you could count on this person?
• Were these relationships balanced? Or was everything one-sided and not in your favor?
• Perhaps this betrayal was part of the character of the person, or have you seen what is coming to this before? Have you heard stories about this person about breaking trust in friends or loved ones?

Think about why you were in this relationship. This is another important exercise in self-discovery - to try to end the past before deciding to trust the person who betrayed you. After all, if you're looking for the right things where there aren't any, it's best to end the relationship with that person and find someone else. These are harsh measures, but they work.

• Are you in a relationship because you need someone to complete you? This could be a problem. Asking someone to become one with you is an almost impossible task. Only you can do it. If you're in a relationship because you want to feel "whole," you need to take a little break from dating.
• Are you looking for trouble yourself? Do you always date the same people - the ones who end up hurting you in a magical and theatrical way? You may subconsciously wish to be offended because you don't think you deserve better. But it's not. Work on self-respect and self-esteem, and avoid people who habitually hurt you.

Rate your relationship. Of course, evaluating something sounds callous, but it's an effective and honest way to evaluate whether this person meets your needs. Also, we deserve the perfect relationship, so make sure it's exactly what you have.

• Identify 3-5 things you value most in a relationship. For some people, laughter and emotional support will be at the top of that list. For others, intellectual stimulation is a priority.
• Use a grading system to determine if this person really meets your needs and is compatible with your values. For example, if a person shares all of your values ​​and perfectly fits all of your criteria for needs, but has committed a betrayal, then giving him a second chance may make sense. On the other hand, if the person doesn't share a single value with you, but is generally good, betrayal may mean it's time for you to move on.

Analyze betrayal for yourself. In fact, some people do not deserve your trust. But sometimes a mistake hurts because it reminds us of a previous injury. And betrayal calculated or born from malicious intent is a clear sign that this person cannot be trusted. But mistakes that happen by chance and are not related to character may deserve forgiveness. Consider the following example:

• Was it intentional deception, such as a cheating spouse, malicious gossip, or harm by an employee?
• It was an accident: did someone break your car or give away a secret?
• Was it a one-time omission, or is the incident an old pattern of behavior?
• Consider the circumstances: Is your friend or loved one going through some kind of painful period and could this play a role in the offense?

• Easy betrayal can include telling someone else's secret, "white" lies (lies told so as not to hurt your feelings, as opposed to lies for the sake of deceit), and compliments to your partner that may seem flirtatious. They tend to be random and one-time. As a rule, if you express your opinion on this matter, then for these grievances they will immediately and sincerely apologize to you and promise to be more attentive in the future.
• Moderate betrayal includes gossip about you, regularly borrowing money without repaying your debt, and constant disrespect. Such actions reflect thoughtlessness and selfishness. It will be difficult to undertake a conversation with someone who is indifferent to your feelings, but sometimes people just notice what they are doing. Such behavioral deficiencies can sometimes be discussed and resolved.
• heavy betrayal is the theft of a significant amount of money, infidelity, spreading malicious gossip or lies, sabotaging you at work or some other activity. These are deliberate betrayals, the offender is aware of the offense that he causes and does it anyway. In such situations, it may be necessary to seek professional help to salvage the relationship, unless, of course, you decide to forgive the offender.