The psychology of fear or why we are afraid. B

When it comes to fears, any person can list a dozen of those that worry him. We may be afraid of heights public speaking or lonely evenings. We are accustomed to calling our feelings from certain situations or events - getting into an accident or that thieves will break into our apartment.

In fact, fear fetters our lives at the level of the soul. And this problem is much more serious than it seems at first glance. We are afraid to start and finish, afraid to change jobs and afraid to get stuck in it, afraid of what will work out and afraid of what won’t work out. For many a source constant worries becomes acceptance correct decisions, attempts to calculate in advance how life will turn out. And any choice turns into fear of repeating it again and again. And one day, for sure, something will go wrong.

Who would refuse the opportunity to not make mistakes and make decisions easily, get rid of negative programming, not allow other people to control you or increase self-esteem and become self-confident? Maybe you have long wanted to stop being afraid of changes and “surprises” of fate, make your dreams come true, trust and love without fear of losing or being deceived? Or stop becoming a “donor” of incessant mental pain?

In the book “Be Afraid, But...Act!”, which has gone through more than 20 editions, Susan Jeffers examines the problem of fears and helps to find a solution to how not to be afraid in a world in which so many frightening things happen.

How do you understand that fear is deeply entrenched in your life? Surely, you can definitely say that you experience discomfort when it is tied to a place or event. For example, you are afraid to go out onto the balcony of a 10-story building or your knees shake when you have to speak at a meeting. But sometimes fear acts unnoticed and is expressed in anxiety, in what we call “unclear” but constant mental, pressing pain or even depression. You rush through life, not understanding why you can’t choose the path you want to take. Meanwhile, time passes and no decision is made. Your loved ones look at you strangely, and you yourself give up.

One of the good manifestations of your fear-ridden thinking is the use of the following words and statements in everyday speech (most often these phrases are used to describe even such insignificant incidents as a crush on a bus, a bad hairstyle, criticism from the outside): this is terrible; a nightmare; this is a tragedy; this is the end; I just can't understand how she could do this; they are all like that; I don’t understand why all this is happening to me; Why is life such a complicated thing? I can not take it anymore; This is beyond my strength! Doesn't it inspire you to new achievements?

You can try to live avoiding fears, or you can learn something do with it. Most likely, when you look back on your life, you will realize that avoiding frightening circumstances forever is never an option. Even having turned your life into a kind of greenhouse, you, in addition to being exhausted from constant sensations melancholy and colorlessness of life, you cannot ensure that some hurricane wind will not break this cocoon one day. And you still have to face what scares you and try to emerge victorious from the situation.

The insidiousness of fear is that it seeks to penetrate all areas of life. For example, if you are afraid to meet people, you are probably afraid of relationships, interviews, parties, where there may be strangers, new places.

Susan Jeffers divides all types of fear into three levels.

Level 1 fears

Fear of action:

• I'm afraid to learn something again;
• I'm afraid to make decisions;
• I'm afraid to change jobs;
• I'm afraid to make friends;
• I'm afraid to break off the relationship;
• I'm afraid to be treated by doctors;
• I'm afraid to defend my opinion;
• I'm afraid to go on a diet;
• I'm afraid of interviews;
• I'm afraid to drive a car;
• I'm afraid to speak in public;
• I'm afraid to make a mistake;
• I'm afraid to enter into a close relationship with a man.

Fear of what should or might happen:

• I'm afraid of getting old;
• I'm afraid of disability;
• I'm afraid of retirement;
• I'm afraid of loneliness;
• I'm afraid of losing a loved one;
• I am afraid of my grown-up child leaving home;
• I'm afraid of natural disasters;
• I'm afraid of poverty;
• I'm afraid of going to prison without guilt;
• I'm afraid of becoming a victim of intrigues and ill-wishers;
• I'm afraid of change;
• I am afraid of the death of myself or my loved ones;
• I'm afraid of war;
• I'm afraid of diseases;
• I'm afraid of violence.

If you experience any of these fears, or have some of your own to add, trust me, you are not alone. Re-reading this entire list (especially the second part, which includes the often unconscious fears of most people), it is difficult not to feel how your heart clench with anxiety.

Level 2 fears

This level is different from the previous one and affects the perception of one’s own self and the ability to survive in this world. These fears are less dependent on external circumstances. Even when the scenery changes, the tragedy unfolds in the soul. It is difficult to imagine how this can be changed, because it is impossible to escape from oneself, even by changing the external environment. Sooner or later everything will happen again, only with other participants:

• I'm afraid of being rejected;
• I'm afraid of success;
• I'm afraid of being deceived;
• I'm afraid to fail;
• I'm afraid of disapproval;
• I'm afraid of my own vulnerability;
• I'm afraid of losing my image;
• I'm afraid of my helplessness.

Level 3 fear

This fear lies deepest in the soul and is the root of fears upper levels. It is he who actually ties you hand and foot and secretly turns life into an endless stream of worries and tossing.

“I CAN’T DO IT!”

At first glance, it may seem that this fear is not the most dramatic of all. But take a closer look at the statement, and you can see its poisonous essence: you won't be able to handle what life throws at you.

I can't live alone; I will not be able to cope with the disease; I can't live without him; I can't survive without money; I won't be able to enjoy life anymore; I won’t be able to adapt to change; I will not tolerate violence; I won’t be able to cope with failure; I won’t be able to handle rejection; I won't be able to handle the responsibility that comes with success.

If you knew for sure that you could handle any situation that happened to you, what would you be afraid of? Answer: Nothing.

This truth does not lie in the sphere of control of the surrounding life. On the contrary, you will never be able to control events; you cannot control it any more than you can make the sun shine at night. You can't always control other people, the weather, or the movement of the stock market. You cannot stop the possibility of a fire with the power of thought or prohibit betrayal, conflicts or disappointments from occurring in your life. What is your strength?

In that, to Be afraid, but do it!

Sometimes fearfulness is involuntarily encouraged by parents who, naturally worrying about their child, actually convey to him the thought: “The world is dangerous, baby, any choice you make is fraught with danger.” dire consequences. Be careful, because danger awaits you outside the walls of the house” and... “you won’t be able to cope with it.” Of course, if something happens, the parent will not help the child deal with it, but distrust in his own ability to solve problems ultimately results in the fact that the already matured child finds himself immersed in the abyss of unconscious, debilitating anxieties and self-doubt. Just like the mother or father themselves.

Remember yourself as a child and imagine that instead of the message “be careful,” you were told every day as you walked off to school: “Go ahead, baby, a day without risk is a day wasted.” Or are you sure that having received such a message, you would hasten to try to swim across icy river or jump with an umbrella from the fifth floor, as it seems if you are in the place of a parent and give instructions yourself? Trust and distrust of a child is a matter for a completely different article. In fact, here you just need to remember yourself as a little girl and imagine how your life could have turned out if you had been taught from childhood Don't Be Afraid of Fear, and respond to frightening situations with active Action.

Perhaps the biggest fear that can grip you right now is that the most ideal moment to fight fear and make changes in your life is NOW. This is exactly the case in the following way: either start taking steps to move in the direction opposite to inaction, or plunge even deeper into the swamp of fear and immobility. The choice is yours, and the responsibility lies only with you. And ahead of you is the life that you timidly or passionately dream of. It is full of love, friendship, support and many significant and minor joyful incidents and things. This is exactly the life that you secretly look at in others, but do not allow for yourself, accepting once and for all that you are simply different. You won't succeed.

There is no need to reproach yourself even if your choice now or tomorrow is to “stay where you are.” Every day is not perfect, and only in books or feature films the characters change immediately and completely. Sometimes the first step for change is to look inside yourself, see your fears, accept them. And pose the question this way: do I want to live with them all my life? Is this what I want for myself? Perhaps this moment will be a turning point. You will suddenly realize that in fact Fear has not become a part of your soul, and the flow of negative, fearful and hopeless thoughts is not you. This is just one of the thinking options that was a consequence of your choice, albeit unconscious.

One day you chose to allow your thoughts to be colored red or black and gradually you forgot that there were other colors. From birth, a rainbow settles in a child’s soul, but a moment occurs when childhood joy and spontaneity leaves growing people, and then they begin to be afraid. Any event is neutral, you have probably heard this statement more than once. And this is true, otherwise there would not be such uniqueness among people. Everyone differs in their reactions to the reality around them, to the situations happening to them. And if there are people who cope with difficult circumstances and failures, why can’t you?

You may think that this comes from the fact that they are Other. But in reality the answer is much simpler. They are exactly the same as you. They experience fear, pain and doubt, it’s just that their choice to “act in spite” becomes a choice of strength, and you decide to follow the path of least resistance, which promises peace, but in reality brought only pain and tears. And peace and joy await you beyond the troubles you have experienced and the steps associated with risk. It’s hard to believe at first, but it’s worth turning to your experience. Didn't you feel joy and satisfaction after the work done, which at first caused internal trembling? Even if it was little things like cleaning a room in a big mess or passing an exam.

The moment you stepped over your fear and did what you had to do, you probably stopped feeling like a victim of circumstances. And this is precisely the weapon that defeats any horror. You become comfortable with things that used to make you anxious. And, believe me, this will be the case with every area of ​​your life that causes anxiety or a feeling of helplessness if you sincerely believe that you will be able to cope with everything. It becomes true when you believe it.

When you are confident in yourself, you will not let inner negativity hold you down. If fear has taken over you, your inner voice will probably sound like this: “What are you doing? What are you thinking about? You won’t succeed, it’s better not to go there, it’s better not to start. Do you have any idea how bad your decision will make you feel? It will be terrible. It will end in failure." Try replacing this one internal monologue and observe your state when you say to yourself: “ New opportunity? Great, I can handle it. If I can't solve the problem this way, I'll solve it another way. In any case, everything will work out for me. This will be wonderful, I'm so glad that I'm tackling the problem and I'll be successful. How I love this world, full of possibilities! I can handle it, that’s for sure.”

Another truth about fear is: “As long as I continue to grow, fear will follow me.” In life there will never come a moment “that’s when I stop being afraid, that’s when...”, “that’s when I feel more confident, that’s when...”! When you find yourself in new circumstances, you, like all people on earth, will experience anxiety and worry, and sometimes even crippling horror. But the only and very pleasant opportunity to cope with these circumstances and not give them your joy of life is to go and do what you think is necessary. And each time it will be easier and easier for you. There is no need to wait for confidence to do the right thing. In fact, you will feel confident when you do what you think is right.

Don't look for excuses and delays, there is no peace and joy in them. Dealing with obvious fear is not as scary as living with unconscious fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness. Just remember and repeat to yourself often:

No matter what happens to me, I can handle it! I can handle!

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If something doesn’t work out, you need to look for specific reasons. Most likely, we are better off staying put in our comfort zone, no matter how gloomy it may seem at first glance. Successful people they can say anything, but their swamp is always the cutest - warm, viscous and not windy. And it’s scary to get out of it.

What are we afraid of?

1. Embrace change. Any victory or achievement is an entry into a new stage of life. Everything will not be the same as before. In words, we are ready to confidently declare our readiness for change. But in fact, we are afraid of losing the important little things that life consists of. We don’t want to change our habits, environment and lifestyle; we worry that we won’t be able to cope. So we're giving it back. Sometimes just a couple of steps away from victory.

2. Lose the support of loved ones. When we change, the environment cannot remain the same. New qualities and actions can cause negative evaluation and even envy among those closest to you. Subconsciously, they may strive to keep us at the same level, to create conditions under which we ourselves do not want to change anything. Alas, in some cases it even comes down to direct ultimatums: “Either me or your new job.”

3. Fail to live up to expectations. Erich Maria Remarque said: “Whoever expects nothing will never be disappointed.” Alas, in real life we are far from that level of enlightenment. We expect from children that they will become successful and realize our ambitions, from parents - participation, help and non-interference, from friends - admiration and support, from colleagues - high appreciation of our merits.

Even from the seller in the store we expect a smile and Have a good mood, and also the presence of change notes at the cash register. In the same way, they constantly expect something from us and remind us of it at every step. And not meeting the expectations of loved ones is very scary.

4. Take the wrong path. Our heads are full of cliches and stereotypes. “It’s dangerous to be successful and rich”, “Money doesn’t bring you any good”, “If you want to live, keep your head down”, “It’s better to be poor and honest than a rich swindler”... And who wants to be bad in the first place? So we take a step back from success so as not to go downhill.

5. Take the wrong place. The number of “vacancies” for success is limited. That is, we can “sit in” someone who is better than us and more deserving of this place. But you can spend your whole life shielding others and not even thinking that there is enough space for everyone at the top.

6. Achieve the wrong thing. It’s scary to come to the top and realize that the goal was initially chosen incorrectly, that we placed the ladder against the wrong wall. How then to survive the collapse of hopes?

7. Lose the meaning of life. Having a dream is commendable. It warms the soul even on the coldest days, gives strength and energy for movement. But the more you want to achieve your goal, the slower you act before the end. After all, if the dream comes true, what to do next? How to live without a guiding star?

Fear of success: finding the positives

Fear can be a hindrance, but it also has positive aspects:

• Warns when something goes wrong. You can't move any further with these attitudes. We urgently need to change them, act in a new way.
• Protects against invasion of our personal territory. Who knows what great success holds? Perhaps there will be no time left for yourself or you will have to devote 20 hours a day to work? Do we really need this?
• Saves resources. Perhaps we need to gain strength before the final push. Review priorities and evaluate what has already been achieved. Avoid unnecessary movements. Fear forces you to stop and look at the situation from the outside.

How to allow yourself to be successful?

Many psychologists talk about such a concept as allowing oneself. The mechanism operates unconsciously, it has very deep roots. But to increase your chances, you can try:

1. Learn something new. Use every opportunity for this: learn new languages ​​using phrase books and videos on the Internet, try new hobbies instead of tape social networks read professional literature, start jogging in the morning or dance salsa...

Scientists have long proven that constant learning new things contributes to brain development. Forming new neural connections, we make our lives more interesting and richer, and therefore more productive.

2. Find support from people with similar interests. If you are starting a business, join an entrepreneurs club, in your city or online. Do you write books? You are welcome to the writing community. In virtually any direction you can find a company of like-minded people who right time They will support, advise, help in word or deed. It’s difficult to develop alone, but in company it’s easier and more fun, and you’ll have someone to share the taste of victory with. And there you can find experienced mentors who will help you learn with specific examples.

3. Understand your true goals. Is the path you have chosen really the right one? Does it align with your values? Carrying out the analysis is not as difficult as it seems at first glance. It is enough to make a list of the areas of life that are important to you and for each area describe the desired achievements in detail and without the desire to evaluate anything.

As you write down each goal, close your eyes for a moment and ask yourself the question: how will I feel when I get what I want? Will I get pleasant emotions, a feeling of satisfaction and joy?

4. Visualize your future life. You can make collages, collect pictures of success. But this is not necessary, it is enough to keep the picture of your future in focus, imagine it as vividly as possible, in detail, using all the senses.

What sounds will surround you at the point of achieving your dream? What images will you see? What will it smell like around you? How will the objects around you feel? What about the tastes? The more often you scroll through pictures before your eyes, the bigger brain will get used to these images and implement them.

5. Work with limiting beliefs. It often happens that they sit in the subconscious negative attitudes: “it’s dangerous to be successful”, “it’s better to keep a low profile.” They prevent us from achieving our goals, and our task is to replace them with the opposite, more constructive ones.

For this there is special exercises and methods that can be practiced either independently or with the help of a psychotherapist. The path is not short, and you can’t expect instant results, but if you don’t give up trying and continue what you started, then everything will work out.

6. Take action. Most important step, which will definitely help you cope with the fear of success. We need to move forward. The road appears before the one who moves. Taking even a very small step forward is many times better than tentatively marking time. A tense rhythm helps a lot when you need to do a lot of things in a short time.

Of course, this is a challenge to yourself, but in the end you will simply have no time to be distracted by fears. Success will certainly come if you take steps towards it.

about the author

When I graduated from college ten years ago, I got a job in my specialty. They didn't pay much, but I didn't want much. Of course, on the one hand, I wanted to. On the other hand, something was holding me back. I felt an inexplicable shame at the thought of asking for a raise. It seemed to me that the very expression of the desire to receive more was already throwing me dark spot, which you can’t wash off later. That this demonstrates to others my unclean thoughts. And I also believed that there was some kind of nobility in working for a small salary.

Over the years, I have, of course, overcome this prejudice. This belief had an extremely destructive impact on my family's financial situation.

But I constantly see that many people around still believe in some kind of nobility of small earnings. Basically, these are young people, yesterday's graduates, but it happens in different ways.

The starting premise of books on motivation and business is that every person a priori wants to earn a lot. Many people talk about the fear of poverty, but few people talk about the fear of decent earnings.

A devilish split reigns in the souls of many people: on the one hand, they want to receive decent compensation for their work, on the other hand, they are ashamed to achieve it.

And it is precisely this, and not at all the lack of ability, talent and luck, that very often hinders a person’s financial development.

In this article I will tell you:

• Why are we afraid to earn a lot?
• Why is there nothing noble about working for little money?
• Why don't you wait for success to come to you?
• And why we no longer have to choose between working for the benefit of an idea and working “for money”

I will help you overcome this fear and start doing what you love and get a decent financial return.

In the service of "Mammon"

I remember one of my first job interviews. My potential future boss at one stage asked me a question:

“What do you even want from life?”

I didn’t have any interview experience at that time, so I hesitated and answered something incomprehensible.
She answered for me:
“Well, you probably want to earn more money by “serving mammon””

The general tone of this phrase, as well as the reference to the biblical pejorative attitude towards wealth (“to serve mammon” is to have an unhealthy attachment to wealth) smacked of such contempt that I was again confused.

And instead of answering: “ I’m getting a job in an office, where people earn money and build a career, and not in a monastery, actually.”, I muttered something incomprehensible again.

Then I didn’t have that arrogance and self-confidence, which, however, helped others out.

Then I got a call from this company. I finally passed the interview. But they offered me such a ridiculous salary that even I, yesterday’s student with few requests, refused without thinking twice.

Thus, it must have upset the boss that, although inexperienced, but not stupid, the graduate good university goes to “serve mammon” instead of serving...

To whom? Or what?

In the circle of hypocrisy

And this is really important question, friends, which exposes all the inconsistency and all the hypocrisy of such a sanctimonious and contemptuous attitude towards money.

After all, it is not built at all on the choice between a pious life in a monastery and the renunciation of all material goods and a vicious dip in luxury.

One way or another, a person will have to go to work every day just like everyone else. Get tired just like everyone else. Participate in corporate feuds and intrigues just like everyone else.

Only he will do it for less money.

He has to provide and feed his family just like everyone else. Think about the future of your children the same way as everyone else.

Only he will have fewer opportunities for this.

And what is so noble about this? After all, a person already revolves in this system one way or another, no matter how he opposes himself to it. He is not Neo, who escaped the networks of consumer society. He flounders in the same society just below " the food chain” and explains this position with noble aspirations.

I came across very close to a vivid manifestation of this duality when I was in India, in Goa and in other states, where whole masses of my compatriots are fleeing away from the gluttonous and cynical corporate culture, from an obsession with material success and “consumerism.”

Many of them are doing really well. But others hit their foreheads on the things they were running away from! And sometimes these things receive a more cynical and pitiful manifestation than in their homeland.

I saw how much people want to stay in India and how they are looking for any way to earn money. I repeat that now I am not talking about everyone: some are engaged in truly useful work.

But there are people who start selling drugs.

There are those who rent houses for pennies from local residents, and then, secretly from the owners, rent them out to Russian tourists at three times the price.

There are those who open “yoga schools” or various kinds dubious enlightenment centers (for example, all kinds of sex practices from pseudo-gurus), without paying salaries to their employees, asking them to work for housing and food.

And in this society there are always deceptions, “dynamo” and “scammers”, which you can constantly learn about on thematic forums.

This cannot be called an ethical, socially oriented business. But this state of affairs does not at all interfere with the organizers of these projects fold your arms in “namaste”, smile sweetly with your whole face, wear beads and long hair and talk about goodness and “light energies”.

I just want to say that the desire to break out of the shackles of the money machine can sometimes lead to a person getting even deeper stuck in the gears of this mechanism that they hate.
But why do many people think that there is something noble in this? How did we allow ourselves to be fooled?

How did we allow ourselves to be fooled?

What was the reason for my shame when I was afraid to ask for a raise or ask for a better salary in an interview early in my career?

It seemed to me that if I voiced my urgent needs that I needed to satisfy, then I I automatically discredit the purity of my motivation, demonstrating that I am not interested in anything but money.

I was really interested in working. I was sincerely interested in the success of the company I work for. It was important for me to see the result of my work in the common cause.

But I was afraid that these “pure thoughts” of mine would not be seen if I talked about money. They will decide that I came to “serve mammon” with my vulgar material interests, and not to work for the sake of my own development and the development of the company.

(And then I didn’t have my own home, despite the fact that I was born and raised in Moscow, I had to pay for a rented apartment.)

And what's the catch here? What exactly was the trick that I, along with many other modern workers, fell for?

Imaginary antagonism

I call this trick “illusory antagonism” or “imaginary opposition.” The trick is that two things that do not exclude each other, and do not contradict each other, are shown as contradictory and mutually exclusive things.

For example, “work for an idea” and “work for money.”

These things are not necessarily mutually exclusive in the first place. But many of us believe that if we work in pursuit of monetary interests, then this automatically makes us morally disinterested in our work.

Or, for example, they contrast the following concepts: “ creative work" and "high-paying job."

Recently, a person close to me attended a training that his employer sent him to. During the training they said something like: “here [in this industry] you won’t earn much, here people are creative, and if you want to earn a lot, then graduate Higher School Economics [a good metropolitan university] and work in finance.”

I cannot say that this statement is without truth. But what I don’t like about him is the imaginary opposition between a creative person and a successful person.

It can be rephrased like this: “If you want to earn a lot, master a boring, uninteresting specialty, put on a tight, starched collar and go to work in a bank from bell to bell. Well, here you have real creativity [also, however, from bell to bell], not like these ones, in a jar! "

What if I told you that you don’t have to choose?

It is clear to me that you can do creative and interesting work and earn a decent income. One does not necessarily exclude the other.

All antagonism, all contradiction is simply imposed on us. Moreover, they are imposed by those who have everything in order with their money. The owners of the companies who develop the company's strategy, the human resources department that forms the motivation system, the board of directors. Sometimes this is done directly. Sometimes indirectly. Sometimes we just need to be pushed in this direction, and we ourselves will create for ourselves this illusion of a contradiction between interesting and highly paid work.

Why is that? Because people are most susceptible to “black and white” ideas and attitudes. “My religion is correct, everyone else is wrong”, “Sex is bad”, “Linux is great, Windows sucks” and so on.

Because such ideas are easier to assimilate, and in them consciousness finds rough, but immediate support. This is much easier than holding some ambiguous and multifaceted idea in your mind, for example, the consciousness that you can work for money and for an idea at the same time, while maintaining a wise balance between financial well-being and satisfaction of spiritual and moral needs.

And it turns out that despite the fact that many of us would like to live better, on the one hand, we very often face our own fear of earning more.

We try to prove to others and not only to those around us, but also to ourselves that we are not interested, that the idea is important to us.

But we often fail here because in such an endeavor it is difficult to be honest with ourselves. Because, nevertheless, almost all of us are interested in money. And we want a better life for ourselves and our family. But we are trying to show the opposite out of fear that we will be judged for this.

Is it so noble to earn little?

And in order to maintain this fragile contradiction, dissonance, we have to invent many tricks and self-justifications.

"I'm fine as it is!"
“This is enough for me”

And we think this philosophy is very noble. We are proud of our position. With your modest requests, pure thoughts (which are not so pure).

But is this so noble? Is it so noble to earn little? Let's try to figure it out.

It may seem to some that having a modest income and small ambitions is such a great virtue.

But it seems to me that sometimes in the wording “this is enough for me” there is as much short-sighted egoism hidden as in the phrase “enough for our lifetime” or “after me there might be a flood”.

In general, I noticed that young people, my peers and younger, sometimes have some kind of irrepressible and excessive optimism.

They think there is still a lot of time. That your whole life is ahead. That the future holds many great prospects: you just have to wait and they will reveal themselves to you.

It seems to them that if everything is fine now, if this moment everything goes along predictable life rails, then this will always happen.

“And that’s enough for me”- they say.

Call me paranoid, but I see that life is unpredictable. And anything can happen.

What if you get sick and need treatment?
What if you can't work?
What if your specialty turns out to be unclaimed due to structural changes in economics?

Okay, maybe you're so "noble" that you don't even think about yourself. But what happens if something happens to your friend? With your loved one? With your parents? What happens if someone needs expensive treatment?

Do you want your parents to have a decent old age? Or that they live on a pittance pension and that they still have to work? What if they can’t work because of their health? Do you want your children to have enough to live on? So that they can have their own home?

Is it so noble to fail to provide for your loved ones?

What happened when you were 20?

And if it still seems to you that there is still a lot of time, that you will have time to do everything. But if you're in your 30s now, like me, then think back to when you were twenty. Whatever your age, just mentally rewind your life 10 years ago.

Now tell me, was it that long ago? Did you feel like you had that much time left? I think everything went by like a bullet.

AND The further away you live, the faster time will pass. Before you know it, you’re already 40, and you’re still living in your parents’ apartment or have just taken out a mortgage, and you still have children to feed, elderly parents who also need care.

What will be the price of your “nobility” and modest requests?

And again, in order to avoid misunderstandings, I want to clarify my position and outline its boundaries. I do not at all believe that every person who has a modest income is an egoist. Circumstances can be very different. I also don't want to say that everyone who earns a lot cares about others in any way. Everything happens differently.

Here I am only subjecting the idea of ​​“the nobility of working for an idea” to critical analysis. I propose to test this idea for strength.

Will we really be judged for taking care of ourselves?

Many people cut back on their ambitions, avoid asking for higher salaries, and are ashamed to ask for fair pay for their services because they are afraid that others will think that all they care about is money. Although there are other reasons.

But let's try to figure out whether this fear is justified? Will people really begin to perceive us as cynical careerists if we become more explicit about our material needs?
There is bad and good news.

The bad news is you can't please everyone

Indeed, some people will begin to think so. Even possible clients.

“...when a person writes “I want it for free,” this most often means something broader than “I don’t want to spend money”. This very often means: “I don’t want to waste any resources at all: time and effort...”

This is especially familiar to all kinds of trainers, various private specialists, people of creative professions, and musicians.

This is very familiar to me. From the moment I started monetizing my site, I started receiving comments from time to time of the following kind: “If you want to help people, then why don’t you do it for free?”, “You say that you really want to help people, but you yourself ask for money for it - this is a contradiction!”

And here there is a temptation to start trying to adapt to such a consumer, trying to prove to him and to yourself that money is not important to you.

But it plunges you into vicious circle hypocrisy. Anyone who does not want to pay for your work and sees something vicious in your concern for the well-being of your own family is probably not being entirely honest with himself.

After all, such a person probably does not live on donations, but earns money, or is provided for by someone who does not consider money to be something vicious.

And in order to please other people's hypocrisy, you yourself will have to lie to yourself. You will show that you supposedly do not need money, although in fact you do, you cannot live without it.

I remember very well Steve Pavlina’s advice, which I read a long time ago when I first started creating my website. His logic sounded something like this:

“When selling a product, you don’t need to pretend that you’re not interested in sales, write your offer in small print in the recesses of your website. Be embarrassed to voice this sentence in your videos.
If you decide to sell something on the site, then sell it! Write about it in capital letters. Let everyone see it. But if you don’t want to sell, then just don’t sell.”

This is about the question of hypocrisy.

The good news is that you don’t have to please everyone.

This was bad news. The good news is that all those who will judge you are most likely not your clients or partners at all. Most likely, these are people with whom you are not on the same path at all. Why?

1. They are not interested in your prosperity. They don't think much about you at all. They think mainly about their own consumption. It is more convenient for them to consume your products for free. And they care little that behind these products there is a living person with his own needs. (For example, you can often hear arrogant attacks against musicians: “Yes, he went into commerce, he’s gone crazy.” And in response to this, I always want to ask: “What did you do to prevent this from happening? How did you even supported his favorite performer, so that his life’s work would help him feed himself and “not go into commerce"? Most likely, those indignant did nothing for this: they downloaded pirated recordings from the Internet. The result is that some musicians either disappear completely and go to more profitable work, because they are unable to support themselves through creativity, or they begin to engage in a form of creativity through which they can support themselves.
2. Most likely, you will not be able to help these people even for free.

And why do I think so? I have reasons for this, I don’t want to reveal my entire inner workings, but I will share something. Let's just say that I quite often receive letters asking me to provide some of my courses for free. I tried doing things differently.

At first I simply provided a free product, but did not find any special activity on the part of the discounted client to use this product in the future. It was as if he wasn't particularly interested.

Then, before giving free access, I asked the discounted client to perform a couple of simple techniques from the course for two weeks and, based on the results, write me a couple of sentences with impressions. I did this in order to weed out all those who did not particularly want to work on the course.

Or I asked to deposit a symbolic amount. As much as we can.

As a result of the last two requests, without exaggeration, 95% of people were eliminated. I haven't received any from them feedback. They simply disappeared. Although they wrote that they really needed my product.

I concluded that in 95% of cases when a person writes “why not free?”, “I want free”(especially when this is written by someone who came from a site where there is enough free material for several volumes) this means something broader than “I don’t want to spend money”. This very often means: “I don’t want to waste any resources.”

That is, time, strength, energy. Make any effort: be it to understand electronic payment and send a small amount or do several simple techniques, which will still have to be practiced

That is, the conclusion is that you are unlikely to help such people anyway. Because they just don't want to do anything. Perhaps this even somehow correlates with the fact that they do not respect your work either: after all, they themselves have probably never had to really work. They just don't know what it is and how hard it is.

And these are not your clients.
Not your partners.
Not your target audience.

They rush along tangents at the very periphery of your activity, without even particularly interacting with it, do not want to give anything (not only money, but also time) and receive nothing.

Focusing on such a “consumer” in building the ethical basis of your business is wrong, dishonest and somehow even unethical.

And your real clients, if they benefit from your work, value and respect your work, moreover, they empathize with your success and support you.

And I am very grateful to all my clients for such support, without which it would be very difficult for me to do what I do. And it's not just a matter of money. Seeing that your work is appreciated and loved, that people are ready to give something in return, is a huge moral support.

You don't have to choose anymore

In conclusion, I would like to outline the scope of the argument in this article. I think this is important.

In this article I was not trying to say that happiness comes from money. Moreover, in many of my articles I write that. I constantly talk about how much you can “burn out” and become disappointed by applying to your life the stereotype that success equals happiness.

On the other hand, I understand that the very fact of material well-being is greatly discredited and devalued in the eyes of those who think and morally sensitive people because of these same stereotypes about success that are imposed on us and cause reflexive nausea.

In short, the excessive imposition of stereotypes on us ( “everyone should strive for success”, “money is happiness and everyone wants it") paradoxically forms other stereotypes ( “success is bad”, “money brings misfortune”, “being insecure and working for an idea is good”).

I know that money can't buy happiness (as my friend said: “but we don’t have this happiness either”), happiness is inside, in our minds. If our consciousness is not developed, then no amount of money will bring us lasting happiness. This is primary.

But in other circumstances, material success is one of the fair aspects of your life. There's nothing wrong with him. On the contrary, he can become very a nice bonus for your activities.

In addition, money is not only a source of satisfying vain desires and needs. This is a material stronghold for your family. This is a means of assistance. This is moral support and a source of confidence.

You don't have to choose between working for money and working for an idea. In your life, you can realize your most noble aspirations for fair compensation, and at the same time not feel shame or dissatisfaction with yourself.