How to cope with the heartache of love. How to deal with heartache after a breakup

It happens when the ground disappears from under your feet due to the loss of a loved one: separation, illness, death. A special world has been built with this person. How to live if the world will not be the same? How to relieve mental pain if relationships dear to your heart cannot be revived? Perhaps we should be patient and wait?

The irreparable has already happened. The accident did not happen in the movies, but in real life. ?

Time cures?

It happens when the ground disappears from under your feet due to the loss of a loved one: separation, illness, death. A special world has been built with this person. The heart stores experiences from moving to a new apartment together, having children or walking in the park. Do you remember the expression with which he is happy, sad or grumbling. Do you know how many sugar cubes people like to add to their tea? And suddenly the usual way of life is crossed out.

How to live if the world will not be the same? How to calm down if relationships dear to your heart cannot be revived? Perhaps we should be patient and wait? Yuri Burlan’s training “System-vector psychology” offers another way - to understand the causes of mental pain with the help of psychoanalysis.

The word is first aid

Even years after the departure of a loved one, it can be painful to re-read letters addressed to you in which he shared his innermost experiences. At best, the mental pain from separation - or betrayal, violence - dulls over the years. But to free yourself from emotional suffering, you don’t have to wait passively. Just the opposite. There is no time to waste in treating pain from a mental wound.

The first aid for severe mental shock is to speak out.

There is an opinion that when a person has experienced stress, he should be left alone with his feelings and “not reopen the wound.” In fact, to cope with mental pain, you need to immediately start talking to a loved one about what happened. Don’t hide your emotions, don’t hold back your tears, don’t suppress painful experiences. And do not ignore any painful memory.

If emotional suffering is due to the fact that the person cannot be returned, it is advisable to discuss as many happy moments and feelings associated with him as possible. Talk about his achievements and merits. Such memories will smooth out the bitterness of loss, making room for light sadness.

It is important to speak out as soon as possible after a traumatic event, otherwise negative experiences will be repressed into the unconscious. If this happens, it will be more difficult to cope with the emotional pain later.

It is important to follow safety precautions. Be serious about choosing a person for an intimate conversation. Make sure he treats your emotions and heartache with care.

This method can be regarded as first aid, like artificial respiration. When this remedy from the psychological “first aid kit” has completed its task, a person needs a resource to live on.

How to live further?

People can experience a difficult situation in different ways, and the consequences of losses manifest themselves differently depending on the characteristics of the person’s psyche.

Emotional suffering

There are people for whom the severance of an emotional connection is especially painful. System-vector psychology defines them as representatives.

For people with this type of psyche, emotions are important. In one hour they can experience the whole gamut of experiences from fear to love. They strive to build emotional connections with people with whom they can exchange secret feelings or give warmth of soul.

The loss of emotional connections makes their soul ache. Due to unbearable suffering, visual people may close down after experiencing trauma and avoid showing feelings in the future. By doing this they are driving themselves into a trap. After all, then they do not fully realize the abilities inherent in nature, and this means that they largely lose the ability to experience joy from life.

It happens the other way around, when mental pain makes it difficult for them to cope with their emotions. Containing feelings is beyond your strength. Sobs come, reality is difficult to comprehend due to emotional overexcitement. Such outbursts make your hands shake and your head hurt. Emptyness and melancholy take their place.

Such conditions may be the result of fear. It serves as the starting point for development in all people with a visual vector. Normally, in an adult, the emotion of fear is redirected into empathy, but in situations of severe stress, it happens that the usual response skills are washed away by the wave of a broken dam. Then the root fear of death can be exposed. It is not always realized and can be expressed at the psychosomatic level, including panic attacks.

Guilt

This condition is caused by the mental characteristics of the anal vector. Friendship and family are sacred for such people. If they are sure that they have hurt a loved one, they greatly reproach themselves for it. Self-criticism is fueled by the innate tenacious memory of the anal vector. She firmly captures the details of the past, even if she doesn’t want to remember them at all. What if there is no way to correct the past? A person may be stuck in a state of guilt for a long time and not know how to build his life further. The situation will change if we find a way to make amends by caring for those who need it.

Loneliness

Proofreader: Natalya Konovalova

The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»

We know how our head, stomach, injured finger and other organs and parts of our body hurt. Defining the concept of mental pain is much more difficult, since it is not entirely clear what the soul is and how one can feel that it hurts. However, emotional suffering can often be much more dangerous than physical suffering, which is why it is important to know how to cope with emotional pain.

Let's talk about what causes mental pain, what feelings and emotions a person experiences, why it is sometimes more difficult to endure these sensations than to endure physical pain. We will also outline the most important stages of experiencing these feelings and ways that alleviate a person’s mental torment, helping to cope with them faster and easier.

What is mental pain and why does it occur?

The obvious reasons for the birth of unpleasant emotional experiences are separations or the final loss of people close and significant to a person, failures in life on a professional or creative path, serious conflicts, defeats.

However, according to statistics, a huge percentage of successful people who realize themselves well in social and family terms also suffer from other mental disorders. What's the matter? Or, as people say, are they crazy about fat?

Disappointment, loss of significance and meaning of current events can arise at any stage of every person’s life path. Initially, it is the loss of faith in the importance of what is happening, be it a Nobel Prize, the birth of a son, or ruin, the waste of a multimillion-dollar fortune, that creates emptiness and pain in a person’s soul.

The discrepancy between reality and expectations awaits us equally both on a happy path, when everything turns out very well, and when nothing works out, no matter what we undertake. An achieved goal gives rise to exactly the same question within a person as an unachieved one - “Is that all? What's next?"

The happiest, most dizzying love, the highest jump, the deepest dive do not please us forever. Why, they rarely please us for more than a few moments. Happiness is replaced by spiritual emptiness and the pain of one’s own imperfection. To then be replaced by new aspirations and joys. That is life.

Reasons for getting stuck in a state of mental pain

The percentage of people suffering from depression (and we are talking about official statistics, that is, only those who officially seek help) is increasing every year. People are doing less and less heavy physical labor (which is an excellent antidote to this disease, by the way - physical fatigue prevents mental fatigue from setting in). We have more and more time for self-reflection, less and less unmet needs.

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Many live in a state of internal, unconscious dissatisfaction for years. The human psyche has two main ways to process emotional experiences - splash them out or drive them inside, into the subconscious.

Since most of us were not taught how to live our experiences correctly - remember from childhood: “Masha, good girls don’t get angry and don’t scream”, “Petya, real men don’t cry”, “Katya, laughing so loudly is not good, it’s ugly” - a huge number of people They simply suppress resentment, anger, and pain from separation.

But they don't disappear anywhere. These feelings accumulate inside you for years if you do not allow them to leave your soul and body. You get stuck in a state of extreme mental pain without even knowing it.

What is the danger of mental pain, especially unconscious pain?

American doctor Elizabeth Kulber-Ross developed a special psychological technique for people suffering from incurable diseases. It is aimed at helping the patient accept what is happening to him as inevitable. This method has spread widely over time and is used today in many psychotherapeutic practices.

We are talking about the five stages of the emotional experience of heartache: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Experts around the world agree that you cannot cope with the heartache of losing someone dear to you until you have consistently fully experienced the full range of emotions of each of these stages.

This requires a lot of time and emotional strength. It is believed that the period of living through the separation or death of a loved one lasts from one to two years or more, depending on your psychophysiological characteristics.

You need to allow yourself to feel anger at the person who left you, then all the pain from his absence from you, all the fears and worries associated with him. If you skip any of the stages, you will subsequently subconsciously return to it again and again, plunging into negative experiences.

Do not poison yourself by indulging again and again in pleasant and unpleasant memories of the person who left you. Allow yourself to be sad as much as you need, but at the same time try to be distracted and receive new positive emotions. Find reasons for small joys every day, learn to focus on positive, pleasant things.

Finally

Knowing how to cope with heartache is an essential life skill, as every person faces loss and disappointment along the way. Remember the need to feel it completely, and not suppress and drive it into the depths of your subconscious, from where it will then be difficult for even a qualified specialist to retrieve it.

Our life continues until our last breath, and it is a true miracle and gift, despite all the difficulties and losses that we will receive along with it. You can survive anything, and use what happened to you not as a threat to your mental balance, but as an opportunity that makes you stronger, wiser and more experienced.

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Instructions

The first thing you want to do is forget everything and run away. But the method of “buying a trip to the sea or a ticket to the village to visit your grandmother” is far from the best. It will give only immediate results. And then you will still need to return home to the real world. And then pain It will only get sharper. Everything in normal life will remind you of pain - the memory was muted for a short time. And upon her return, she will again capture the heart.

To get rid of pain, you need to name its cause. Speak it out loud clearly. Or write. The main thing is to realize. This may require an interlocutor - it could be a best friend or a psychologist. If pain caused by the loss of a loved one, you need to figure out what hurts in leaving pain most of all? This could be fear or guilt before. If a loved one has left you, you need to understand what really happened as a result of his departure: lost confidence in the future or wounded pride.

Now you can begin to get rid of what reminds you of the cause of your mental pain. Remove for a while or completely throw away photographs and belongings of the person who is the source of pain. Or communicate less with him if he is still present. If the source of mental pain is, then do not read articles on professional topics, avoid communicating with colleagues.

When the reason is named and realized, there is nothing that can remind of it, and the emptiness in life is filled with a favorite activity, you can say: “I am starting a new life in which there is no place for mental pain.” And start enjoying every day. Look for a way to do this. This could be a loved one heard on the radio, a conversation with a loved one, a chocolate bar eaten at night, a walk in the rain barefoot and without an umbrella, buying a new dress or tie. There are many reasons for joy. There are many of them pain There are more than reasons to be sad! And every new day is a powerful pill against mental pain.

Helpful advice

Do not expect instant results, and do not mistake the first relief for recovery.

With physical pain, everything is simple: there are painkillers, there are doctors. But what if your soul hurts?

Instructions

There can be many reasons for mental pain. We get offended, engage in self-criticism, worry about family and friends, encounter rudeness and betrayal - and the body reacts to all this with acute, piercing pain, hotly spreading through all tissues, aching, piercing, which makes you want to scream. It seems that it cannot be relieved, only after a while the pain will dull a little and it will be possible to forget about it for periods.

In fact, it is possible to cope with mental pain. Oddly enough, the usual painkiller that we take for headaches, for example, can help. If you can’t stand it, you can take a painkiller tablet and a mild sedative, for example, motherwort or valerian. If possible, wrap yourself in a blanket, drink herbal tea (chamomile, mint, sage, raspberry leaves, strawberry tails - choose what you prefer) and sleep. Sleep is good medicine.
This is not a panacea, and the pain, of course, will not go away immediately, like a click, but it will give you the opportunity to soberly assess the situation. Unfortunately or fortunately, we cannot explain the motives for other people’s actions. Therefore, there is no need to try. Don't get hung up. Yes, an event occurred that we took to heart; a loved one hurt or offended us, or our own unworthy act haunts us. But the situation has already developed this way. And we must accept her as she is. Don't look for reasons or someone to blame.

Accept the pain and let it be, cry if you want, don’t hold back your tears. “After despair comes peace,” said the great Anna Akhmatova. Try it, it will become easier.
When a void is formed, it requires immediate filling - this is the law of physics. An evening with friends, a celebration in honor of a good day, organized with children, no matter how trivial it sounds - shopping, without even leaving home, will help you take your mind off and have fun.

Draw, sculpt, bake pies, cook borscht, shoot, go to the forest for a week, in company, with tents, visit a theater or exhibition - ask yourself what you want right now. Talk about the pain, even on a piece of paper - take a pen and write what you feel.

And don’t expect everything to pass soon - emotional wounds take a long time to heal. Just remember that life is wonderful, no matter what happens in it. There is always a way. If, despite all efforts, the pain is still unbearable, you can seek help from a specialist - a good psychologist will give advice that is suitable for a particular person in a particular situation.

Head pain may be a symptom of a serious illness or a consequence of fatigue and stress. You can improve your well-being with the help of pills, herbal remedies and alternative medicine.

Instructions

Determine the nature and cause of the headache. If the problem is overexertion or fatigue, you can try to recover on your own. If the painful condition is accompanied by nausea and vomiting, persists for three days or more, or is the result of a head injury (including a concussion), you should consult a doctor.

Try to relax, lie on your back, create twilight in the room and open the window to provide fresh air. If possible, try to be quiet for at least a few hours. Using light circular movements, massage the temporo-parietal part of the head, and gently go through the hair with a massage brush.

If the pain is not severe, try to do without medications. They have mass, cause and act for a short time, albeit quickly. Also, do not take (you can rinse your mouth with cognac without swallowing it if you know that the headache has developed due to blood pressure) and do not smoke. If you are hypotensive, drink a cup of coffee; if not, herbal tea with valerian, sage or peppermint.

Use proven methods. Apply a lemon peel to your right temple and hold until the skin burns slightly. Or apply a gauze bag with rye bread soaked in table vinegar to the sore spot. Drink a glass of warm milk with a quarter teaspoon of soda mixed in it. A proven remedy for relieving headaches is also ordinary black tea: you need to brew it, stir a teaspoon of sugar in a glass and drink slowly, then go to bed. If you are suffering from overexertion, you can add mint to your tea.

Take a bath with aromatic oils of lavender, mint, pine, sage, eucalyptus, wormwood, and chamomile. Mix four to eight drops of one of these oils with a tablespoon of olive oil or milk and pour into cool bath water. If a bath is not available to you or is contraindicated, drop some essential oil on a cloth and apply it to your temples for a minute, or simply apply a cold compress to your head.

Use acupressure techniques: with a certain skill, they can relieve headaches in a matter of minutes. On your left hand, find a point between your widely spread thumb and index finger, straight ahead, and apply pressure to that spot for thirty seconds using two fingers of your right hand.

Sources:

• Headaches in 2019

When you experience physical pain, the solution is obvious - you contact, who prescribes the necessary treatment for you, and discomfort retreat. The situation with mental pain is much more complicated. People rarely turn to a psychotherapist in moments of despair, but are increasingly trying to drown out their feelings on their own.

Instructions

Most people try to drown out mental anguish with alcohol. It might help if you spend one evening with your best friend, drinking wine and discussing your problem. The next morning after intimate conversations you should feel better. However, if you carry out such “treatment” regularly, another problem will be added to your problem - the problem of alcoholism.

Play sports. During exercise, endorphin is produced - the hormone of joy, and rhythmic, repetitive actions help to distract from worries. In addition, after regular workouts, your figure will improve, which will also improve your mood.

Change your surroundings. Take a vacation and go to a resort where you have long dreamed of visiting. If you don’t have this opportunity, go to another city for the weekend. Do everything to get new experiences that will drown out the mental pain and distract you.

Why do people suffer from mental pain? Mental pain is a feeling of melancholy and suffering that a person experiences for certain reasons. This disorder should not be neglected; it can be much more dangerous than known physical diseases. Mentally ill patients may experience disruptions in the functioning of internal organs. This already threatens with bodily illnesses. Therefore, it is necessary to think about how to cope with mental pain as early as possible.

This disease is similar to, because it appears in a person as a result of an unpleasant event in life, or because of worry about another person. Every person can suffer such pain if their expectations are not met. A person forms certain patterns of life in his brain, and if reality does not coincide with them, then emotional suffering appears. Quite often, people suffer from mental pain, hiding it from their loved ones and friends.

Fighting heartache

The patient can deal with pain in several ways. Thus, mental pain can move from a person’s consciousness to his subconscious. It exists, but man avoids it. The release of mental pain is possible when a person demonstrates his emotions and feelings. But this does not mean that he becomes aggressive or irritable. A person seeks salvation from illness in his loved ones and friends. For example, if a person quarreled with his significant other and he experienced mental pain, then he can only get rid of it by communicating with this person.

But with subconscious mental pain, everything is more complicated. The person does not recognize a mental disorder, he says that everything is fine with him. He confirms this not only to those around him, but also to himself. Such pain is much worse than conscious pain, it is more difficult to cope with, because it is hidden deep in a person’s subconscious.

The fight against hidden mental pain is quite difficult; a person can have it for several years. It negatively affects the character of a person who begins to communicate with people like himself. Also, he may not even meet new people or avoid contact with old acquaintances.

Mental pain does not allow a person to study, work or do his favorite thing normally. At such moments, a person often does not even understand what is going on. It happens that certain events force a person to remember an unpleasant life situation that has long caused him emotional distress. If the patient is unable to bring emotions out and get rid of them, then it is necessary to turn to a psychologist or a loved one who can listen to everything.

Emotional distress after a breakup

It's no secret that after breaking up with a loved one, severe and long-term emotional distress can occur. In some cases, it is as severe as the stress after the death of a loved one. Breaking up brings mental pain that can torment a person for months and even years. All this time, the patient will experience stages of denial, indignation and pain.
Emotional experiences after a breakup begin with a stage of denial. At first, a person simply does not understand or does not want to understand that his relationship with his loved one has come to an end. This happens on a subconscious level, and the person simply does not realize the breakup.

A person suffers greatly due to the fact that he will never be with his soul mate. When he accepts this harsh reality, he will get a chance to get rid of mental pain. But such understanding does not come immediately. The duration of the experience directly depends on the duration of the relationship. To bring this moment closer on your own, you need to get rid of all objects and even contacts with people that are reminders of the relationship.

The next stage of mental pain from breaking up with a loved one is the stage of indignation and even hatred. A person who has been abandoned tries by all means and means to take revenge on his ex, to bring him maximum inconvenience. But such radical measures, as a rule, occur as a result of a scandalous breakup, for example, after infidelity. Resentment occurs because it is difficult for a person to blame himself for the breakup. It’s much easier to blame your ex for all your sins.

The stage of indignation is characterized by the fact that a person focuses exclusively on negative emotions, which has an extremely bad effect on the prospect of a quick recovery. Also, a person often thinks about how much he could have done during this time, rather than spending it on relationships. There is a feeling of loneliness for your future, and even denial of new relationships.

When your soul hurts, you don’t need to restrain yourself from loud suffering and even tears. They make it possible to quickly cope with the pain in the soul. There is nothing scary or shameful about this, because even scientists have proven that tears make it possible to quickly relive and forget the problem. Many people who didn't want to break up continue to contact their ex, and even ask him to start over. And if that person does not agree, then there is no need to insist on your own, because this leads to even greater suffering and memories of a happy past. This will significantly slow down mental recovery.

It's no secret that in most cases, women find it much more difficult to cope with separation. This can be explained quite simply, because for them love comes first in life, while for a man the main thing is work. Therefore, men are not so focused on this problem and find it easier to replace their ex.

Of great importance in the fight against such experiences is the ability to switch to another topic, for example, doing something you love or developing your personality. But if this doesn’t help, and the mental pain has been going on for a year or even more, then it’s better to turn to a psychologist.

How to relieve severe mental pain?

Severe mental pain is not at all like physical pain, because it manifests itself in suffering. And they, in turn, lead to a loss of meaning in life for a sick person. Mental experiences are accompanied by melancholy, loneliness, shame, guilt, and fear of future problems.

In order to relieve severe mental pain, it is necessary to understand its root cause. For example, if such a reason is a certain person, then you need to work on your relationship with him, and not extinguish your emotions. If there is no understanding on his part, then you need to avoid him, even if this leads to dismissal. Finding a job is much easier than restoring the body from the effects of stress.

After a difficult breakup, emotional distress can last up to one year. It is necessary to start a new relationship after this period, so as not to step on the rake twice. The mental pain from a person’s illness or death must be passed through and accepted reality as it is.

It is necessary to understand that the negative event has already ended. You need to go through a period of pain and plan your future life taking into account this negative situation. You can meet someone who is experiencing a much greater disorder. This will help you understand that the situation is not so difficult; other people have it much worse. A proper daily routine and exercise will help you overcome mental pain faster.

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Loving a person, spending years next to him, but suddenly being erased from his life is not an easy test. Such a denouement causes physical and mental torment, and the heart shrinks for a long time from injustice, melancholy and loneliness. Such wounds do not heal immediately - painful attacks sometimes take years to make themselves felt. The question of how to stop worrying about separation from a loved one is especially acute for women who find themselves in an unexpected situation.

There is nothing to be surprised: this part of humanity is genetically determined to find happiness through self-realization in the family. The plans for the future of most girls are correlated with the responsibilities of a wife and the joys of desired motherhood. The disappearance of the object of love, with whom dreams and hopes were associated, no matter due to what circumstances, is perceived as a tragedy. The problem of how to relieve mental pain becomes central during this period.

How to get rid of heartache from love: step by step

The fact that individuals are slower than others to “claw themselves out” from a state of deep sensory shock complicates the matter. It is vital for such people to find peace of mind. And without understanding that the goal cannot be achieved at an accelerated pace, they will not be able to get out of the created conflict. For a long journey, you also need to stock up on fortitude. Nevertheless, for the sake of a renewed self - saying goodbye to illusions and ready for the new - it is worth overcoming all the milestones of this path.

Time heals: give it to yourself

• — . Don’t think about why your soul is so bad - just grieve in a space conducive to light sadness: on a walk, in a quiet room, in the kitchen with a cup of tea.
• - Let disappointment, anger, grief, anxiety and uncertainty about the future pass before your eyes sequentially, stage by stage. Plunge into the sea of ​​emotions, but don't let yourself drown in it forever.
• - If at this phase you have lost interest in everything - even the desire to leave the house, take care of yourself, follow a basic regime - seek the help of a psychologist. A professional will relieve such stress.

Get rid of reminders and help others

• — Tips on how to get rid of the past won’t work if you constantly come across your ex’s things. Rituals for burning bridges are too much. Give your unwanted junk to someone who needs it.
• — Perhaps, along the way, you will remember about charity and select items that will bring joy to people experiencing need and deprivation. Agree: their sorrows are incomparable to your loss.
• - Move from communicating with comforting friends to the position of a comforter. Try on the role of a comrade and adviser. Start listening, comforting, and lending a helping hand to your neighbors.

Get away from provocations and start recovering

• — Avoid provocative factors: songs that give rise to associations, familiar cafes, photographs in communities. Don’t keep your attention on them, switch to fresh songs and relaxation areas.
• - Use energetic, fiery music, rhythmic dance tunes as a medicine. They will create an endorphin rush and lift your spirits. Dance and move more.
• - Shift from the position of “tired of everything” to a pleasurable chain associated with reading a book, watching a thriller, a concert, a comedy show.

Change your lifestyle and be positive

• - The usual way of life that accompanies your existence together has been destroyed - this is understandable. But that doesn't mean . To cope with mental pain, look for an alternative to your previous activities.
• — You may not need drastic changes. But a pleasant hobby, a trip to another city in a nice company or as a solo tourist is what you need. A change of scenery sets the mood for a different plot.
• — Change your image, engage in personal growth. Feel the reserves hidden in you and give them action. We dreamed of mastering the macrame technique, karate techniques - go ahead. There's plenty of time and you're free!

• - Love yourself - this trait does not repel, but attracts, gives success and gives perseverance.
• — Compassion and helping others is a guarantee that you will never be alone.
• — Make jokes and smile: now you not only know how to live on, but you have someone to support you.
• — Trust people and give them love. A sad experience is not a reason to lose faith in good things. It's not far off.