How to be good friends with your child. How to teach a child to be friends: a guide for loving parents

Previously, the upbringing of children right up to adulthood was built according to the “hierarchical” principle - obedience was required of the child, fulfillment of parental requirements and honoring parents. The child was perceived exclusively as a "subordinate". And now more and more psychologists and educators are beginning to treat children as equals– only small and less experienced. And instead of the "team" method of education, parents are offered ... friendship with the child! How to make friends with your child and what are the limits for this friendship- says the site site.

Should you be friends with your child?

The younger the child, the stronger his attachment to the mother. Many mothers themselves say “I am the best friend for my child!” - in a sense, this is indeed so: the baby plays with his mother, and communicates, and trusts her - she really is the whole world for him!

But still, you can't call it friendship: a child needs to be educated, sometimes limited in some way by parental authority, he is dependent on his parents, besides, the gap in life experience, intelligence, etc. is very large. between a baby and an adult - an adult inevitably communicates with the child “squatting”, and the baby feels it.

But that's when child grows, the following inevitably happens: on the one hand, the “chasm” in the intellect is shrinking, he grows older and smarter, you can communicate with him much more interestingly, he will understand more, etc.

On the other hand, he moves away from parents and seeks friendship with peers starting to understand that friendship with mom is kind of like "make-believe". Here are joint games, but mom says “Stop messing around, but well, march for the lessons!”; here's a heart-to-heart talk about problems at school, and here's the punishment for getting a deuce, and so on.

And who needs such a "friend" who first "friends", and then educates, punishes, forces, teaches etc., and often using information obtained in a fit of childish sincerity? It is logical that a child (especially a teenager) in his relationship with his parents is not looking for any equality and friendly sincerity!

This distance usually frightens and surprises parents, they begin to puzzle over “why he suddenly became so withdrawn, and generally don’t say a word to him, and doesn’t want to talk to us, and all the time only with his friends”, etc. d. And now moms and dads begin to think where to do the former idyll and how to reconnect with your child?

Why should parents be friends with their child?

But ... before thinking about how to be friends with a child, parents need to clearly understand why they need such a relationship with him at all? Is it useful Is this friendship good for the child himself? After all, the motives for such friendship for parents are different - including those that solve only some parental problems!

It's easier that way" keep your finger on the pulse of a child's life. Yes. If the child trusts and tells everything, the mother will learn a lot! But ... if this is the only reason, the child's trust will very quickly disappear and friendship will not work out - because as he grows up, he will see that the reaction of parents to frankness is teaching or even punishment. If you still strive for friendship for the sake of the sincerity of a child, try not to turn listening to voluntary children's revelations into total control and coercion to "confessions", especially do not punish for what he told! After all, a child, talking about his problems, waiting not for condemnation, but for support- or he will perceive the notation simply as a betrayal!
A lot can be explained from a friend's perspective., which will not be accepted by the child in the form of parental notation! This is true - if you manage to find the right tone in reality and avoid instructions, moralizing, etc. Because the notation, seasoned with remarks “well, I’m your friend, I won’t advise you bad, do as I said!” - still notation ....
“Let him be friends with me - maybe he won’t get in touch with a bad company!”. Although in fact even the most wonderful mother will never replace peers- her role for the child is different! The maximum that will come out of such an attempt to make friends with your child is a classic "Sissy".
"I know him better than anyone.! Dear mothers, the site site should upset you: if you remember how you changed diapers for your baby - this does not mean that you know all the impulses of the soul of a 13-15-year-old! And even if you somehow know, it’s not at all a fact that the child himself wants them to be so thoroughly known to you! In the end, really there are many things that a mother does not need to know- poems dedicated to a girl from a parallel class, an attempt to smoke a cigarette that ended in dizziness, etc.! Yes, and friendship is not an opportunity to “crawl into the soul”, but only an opportunity to listen to what the child himself wants to tell!
"He will grow up and leave me alone in my old age! You need to make friends with your child now! Mothers sometimes do not formulate this motive with complete frankness even for themselves - because all mothers in the depths of their souls I want to keep the child next to me longer, extend his childhood role and not let go into adulthood. Yes, it's great when communication with adult children really is a friendship of two adults, on an equal footing - and it happens! But for this it is necessary to solve a very difficult task - to stop seeing in a child ... a child in time! Life shows that children who are "overexposed on a short leash" rarely become friends with their parents in adulthood: they respect, help, but ... they are not friends! Because they also cannot see an equal adult in the parent ...

How to make friends with your child?

But still, how to be friends with your child? After all, nevertheless it's great when mom is a wise adult friend, and not a "cerberus"!

So think (remember yourself in childhood!) - and what should an adult be like to be friends with him? For example:

Imperfect. How can you be friends if you yourself are mistaken, doubt, don’t know something - and a friend-mother is always an infallible ideal? Well, how to tell such a “girlfriend” that your physics teacher does not like you, and physics itself is a “dark forest”, if you receive in response: “But I only had fives in physics! So, you are lazy, so you don’t understand anything! ”?
Indifferent. So that you can tell what really worries you, and get advice, opinion, support, and not “Nonsense, these are your loves at 11 years old! It would be better if I pulled up my studies!
Not judging. This is the hardest thing if you want to befriend your child! But after all, if a child tells something - he does not do this to be told whether he is “good” or “bad” - most likely, he already knows very well how his behavior is evaluated in this or that case! Being outspoken, he is looking for not judges in his parents, but support (maybe even silent!)!
Interested, modern. No wonder they say that it is easier for young mothers to maintain friendly relations with children - precisely because of the smaller age gap. But the point is not so much in the age itself, but in relation to life - if a parent is ready to get involved in something with the child, be interested, not show snobbishness and “stamps” in grades - that's great! If you want to make friends with a child, try to play a computer game with him, listen to the new album of some teenage idol and find at least some pluses in it, paint your nails together in the same trendy color, etc.
Not using the child's trust. Consult with the child and warn him about your actions if you decide to somehow intervene in what the child shared! Do not go to school to talk to teachers without telling the child about it if he shared problems with academic performance; don’t tell dad-grandmother-grandfather that your daughter fell head over heels in love with a classmate if you suspect that the family will tease Juliet for a week on the topic: “what kind of bride are you, eat soup, otherwise Petrov won’t like it!” , etc.
Not requiring full frankness, not controlling. Friendship and control are generally antipodes! To be friends with your child, you need to come to terms with the fact that the older he is, the less he will want to tell - but the more important what is told!

Friendship with your child is a very shaky construction. On the one hand, even the most liberal mother can never be just a friend, and that's okay! On the other hand - no matter how much you want to control, manage, inspire, edify - sometimes it's better to just be friends!

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"Mom and I are best friends." “We always had a very close and friendly relationship with our parents.” "Perhaps only my mother understands me." Is this not happiness? But why are people who say these words in my office, as a rule, in deep depression, they are completely de-energized, they do not have the strength to live? And they are also worried about their relationship with children - their own. They think they are wrong.

"THE WORLD IS LIKE A COLORED MEADOW IF YOU HAVE A FRIEND NEXT TO YOU!"

When I was 12 years old, my mother often cried, complained to me about my father. I terribly sympathized with her, felt sorry for her, tried to help more around the house. She began to be rude to her father - because he hurts her mother. And then she had a lover. I didn’t know such a word then, my mother explained that this was her friend, but dad doesn’t like male friends, so you need to keep a secret, not tell dad about the calls. But I had to give my mother “secret messages” from a friend. It was flattering, I was proud of my mother's trust, I didn't tell anyone. There was some special intimacy in this: here we are, two girlfriends, whispering about boys. Mom began to take me for walks with her - but never before.

Then my mother decided to leave my father. It was very hard and difficult for her, and dad was just on the verge of suicide. And I rushed between them: I covered my mother, I tried to console my dad.

This adult woman has been treated for depression for many years. She does not develop relationships with men, she does not trust anyone. And he does not know how to defend himself, to express anger, to defend his interests. In general, the picture strongly looks like an unprocessed trauma. But who hurt this girl? After all, her mother treated her well, loved, did not offend, was friends with her.

It’s good when a child says: Mommy is my best friend, you can tell her everything, everything, she will always listen, tell you, console. A competent mother will also explain what is happening to him, call the vague and incomprehensible storms in the soul with some clever words, and tell about hormonal fluctuations. It is devastating when a mother makes a container out of a child for herself: she loads into him (more often - into her) her secrets, sorrows and sores. He shares his problems, including sexual ones.

A father who left many years ago to another family communicates with his teenage daughter: he tells her about his difficulties with his new wife, dedicates to the secret of his relationship with his mistress, cries and complains. What does the girl feel? That she was practically raped. She does not want to know about the amorous adventures of her father, she does not need such frankness. It violates her inner boundaries. She says that she herself would like to tell her father about herself, she wants him to listen to her, give advice, support. Instead, she has to console him himself, sympathize with an adult, periodically forgive his “jambs” and enter into a position. That is, to do for him the work that good parents normally do for their children.

Destructive is the violation of the hierarchy. In fact, by initiating the daughter into the details of his relationships with other women, the parent makes the child his accomplice. Including sexual accomplice. That is, we see the most natural incest. Let it be psychological.

A confusion of roles arises in the child’s head: is he a child who will grow up and start his own family, or is he the partner of his parent?

“WHO IS OUR HUSBAND?”

The family is a system, a structure. She has boundaries, laws and rules, roles are known. The task of parents is to feed, protect, educate, establish the notorious rules. The task of children is to obey, grow, continue the race, butt heads with their ancestors and move on. What happens if this system is turned upside down?

If a parent opens his soul to a child, he thereby pulls the child out of the “children” subsystem and places it in the “adults, partners, equals” subsystem. In the relationship of two sexual partners, which are the parents in the family, a third participant appears - the child. He is prematurely introduced into adulthood, his intimacy is violated, there is confusion and chaos in his soul.

Oddly enough, “less” destructive when a parent asks a child not to talk about stash, credit purchases. Again, under the banner of "we are friends, and they may have their own little secrets." So don't tell your dad how much those boots cost, don't upset him. And don't tell your mother that I ran into a traffic cop and gave him all the money, because I was drunk.

Money is also a symbol of power in the family, maturity, and if a child is given this symbol ahead of time, before his own experience has accumulated, this is at least strange. The essence of this does not change: the child moves from a child's role to an adult, which confuses his internal settings and prevents him from growing.

GENERATIONS OF PEPSI AND HIPPIES

Let's look at the idea of friendship with children through the lens of generations.

Those who are now 50-60 years old are post-war children. What was their relationship with their parents like? Most often, none. Parents worked day and night, many did not have fathers, the school and public organizations were engaged in education. It is difficult for us to imagine it now, but mothers were forced to go to work a month after the birth of a child who was given to a nursery or a five-day period. The most severe trauma of early deprivation, there are almost no attachments, one duty and responsibility.

This generation - the future sixties - remained teenagers: creative, talented, pioneers. Very few of them had a truly close, trusting relationship with their parents. They made sure that the son did not go down a bad path, that the daughter did not “bring in the hem”, they simply were not enough for more. There was no question of any child psychology, they pressed with authority, pressed and punished.

And then the representatives of that generation decided that they would treat their children in a completely different way. They will take them everywhere with them, take them on hikes and to exhibitions, love them with all their might, will always be there and will never leave them. Never. Even if the children fight back with their hands and feet and shout: “Let go, it hurts!”

And most importantly, they are friendly with children. They participate in their parties, they tell them to call them by “you” and by name, they never close the door to their room (and they forbid the child), they want to be aware of everything that happens to the child. This, of course, is very nice when a child is 5-7 years old. But when a teenager does not have the opportunity to be alone, when mom or dad enters his room without knocking, when ...

When its boundaries are constantly broken through and violated. And you can’t be indignant - after all, “we are friends, we love you so much.” It is very difficult to defend oneself when there are not enemies, but friends.

Remember, in the first part of Harry Potter, Dumbledore rewards Harry, Ron, Hermione at the end for their courage, intelligence, resourcefulness and loyalty. And then he gives the decisive 10 points to Neville Longbottom: “We know how much courage it takes to resist the enemy. But even more courage is needed to argue with a friend.”

We see a similar situation in Europe and America: after the hippie generation, with their idea of universal brotherhood, “sex drugs, rock and roll”, “down with the laws, long live free love!”, the yuppie generation appeared: sanctimonious, exaggerated law-abiding , hyperresponsible.

The family performs many important functions, and safety is the first of them. But if in the generations before and after the war, physical security was required first of all (protect from the enemy, save from starvation, protect from attack), then the “grandchildren of the war” brought to the fore psychological security: to defend the boundaries of one’s personality, not to allow oneself break morally.

And friendship is the absence of all boundaries between people. It is “we are one with you”, “we have everything in common”, no secrets, no secrets from each other.

Only the adult and the child stand at different levels. And the secret, crying out at night to the closest friend, brings together or breeds equal people. And the child is not equal.

A MYSTERY SHADED IN DARKNESS

Apparently, it is secrets that cause real damage. A magical, warm feeling of closeness and trust is caused by the joint activities of a parent with a child in anything: fishing, sewing dolls, hiking. Even doing a manicure together will not hurt.

And what does it do? Inclusion of the child in the sexual life of the parents. Even in the form of a dream in a common bed, because the mother is otherwise scared and cold. And when dad introduces children to each of his new companions, he somehow demonstrates to children part of his intimate life.

Children have the right not to know about things that do not directly concern them. Do not impose on them information about how the adult part of life proceeds. Friendship is a relationship of equals.

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The older your baby gets, the more he communicates with people around him, including peers. Unfortunately, the experience of the first attempts to establish friendship between children is not always successful.

Maria Evgenievna Baulina, Associate Professor of the Department of Clinical and Special Psychology of the Moscow City Pedagogical University, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, member of the JOHNSON’S ® BABY Expert Council, talks about how to prepare the baby for and minimize your and his experiences.

First contact

When the baby enters an unfamiliar environment, for example, in a kindergarten, don't insist immediately on his communication with other children. Remember, the baby needs time to look around and get used to a new place and people a little, and also to understand that everything is fine and he is safe. Perhaps for this he will need several meetings, after which the baby will stop only observing and begin to interact with others.

To help your little one get used to it tell and describe who is doing what, why they act in this way.

Communication skills

Often, babies have negative and aggressive reaction to strangers. Thus, the child tries to defend himself.

To avoid this, rehearse traditional situations, reinforce phrases and actions that can be used to resolve the conflict peacefully.

Be sure to explain to the baby that everything is common in kindergarten or on the playground, and what the words “share”, “help”, “yield”, “roll in turns” mean.

Manifestation of aggression

If other children push or hit the baby, need to teach him how to defend himself.

Many parents are concerned about the question of whether to explain to the child how to "hit back", whether he will become more aggressive from this. Unfortunately, before the age of 3-4, it is difficult for children to have long discussions about who is right and who is wrong. Therefore, a baby who allows himself to be beaten and defends himself only with words is perceived by his peers as weak and unresponsive. Such a crumb will never get an interesting toy, and no one will give him the opportunity to ride on a swing.

Agree with the child that if someone hits him, you should first try to resolve the conflict peacefully, then, in case of failure, warn that he will hit back, and if the threat does not work, hit the offender.

If your baby is being teased, teach him to turn the quarrel into a joke or tease back, but in a way that does not sound rude or offensive. To do this, tell the baby what rhyme is, and practice at home. For example, if the surname of the offender is Leikin, let him become Barmaleikin, if Plyushkin - Splyushkin, etc.

Sibling rivalry

Some babes choose a boyfriend or girlfriend and do not part with this child for a minute. They demand that he no longer play or talk to anyone.

In this situation, it is important to explain to the baby that each child is interesting and attractive in some way. One runs fast, and it is interesting to play catch-up with him, the other knows how to catch the ball, the third knows funny songs, etc. Therefore, there is nothing wrong with having several friends at once. If you help your baby expand his social circle, he will have fewer reasons to.

General games

It is difficult for young children to play together because they do not know how to assign roles and find advantages in each of them.

When the baby is lost and cannot join the general fun, offer him several options for participating in it. For example, if children are working with blocks, explain to the child that you can be not only a builder, but also a “sorter” who lays out blocks according to colors and shapes, or a truck driver who delivers materials to a construction site.

Take note of expert advice. This will help your child to quickly adapt to the new environment and feel comfortable.

CHAPTER 10

My son Robbie is seven years old and his classmates never invite him to their house after school. And they don't invite you to birthday parties either. Once Robbie came home from school in tears and said: “No one loves me. Why don't the guys want me to be with them?" I decided to send my son to a summer camp so that in a different environment he would gain social skills and new friends. After two days of Robbie's stay at the camp, I met the head of the camp at a picnic, who said that Robbie behaves destructively and does not know how to cooperate with other children. He did not fit into the team - the other children did not communicate with him. The head of the camp doubted that Robbie was ready for camp life. What can I do to help him like other children and cooperate better with them? Should I pick him up from the camp? This makes me very sad. My son has no school friends. He is almost always alone. The kids tease him all the time.

My soul hurts that classmates will later remember my son as a boy about whom everyone said “No, we don’t want to be with him, he is so strange.” I want him to be happy, find friends and find peace.

Such stories are not uncommon. As an adult, you know the value of friendship and want your child to develop close, lasting friendships. You understand that you cannot force other children (and adults) to love your child.

It is very hard to see how your child is left alone, rejected by peers, again and again. You understand the impact isolation has on your child's self-esteem and how lonely they feel. Although you work with your child at home on problem solving and teaching them social skills and emotional control, you still feel helpless when it comes to their relationships with peers in school or other social settings. Maybe you are in no hurry to sign him up for summer camps or extracurricular groups for fear of unpleasant calls from leaders who are unhappy with your child's behavior. As a result, he spends more and more time alone, which, as you understand, is completely undesirable.

Why is childhood friendship important?

Few parents need to be convinced that friendship is important to a child. Through successful friendships, children learn important social skills such as cooperation, sharing, and conflict resolution. Friendship fosters a sense of belonging to a group and begins to develop in the child the skills of empathy (empathy) - that is, the ability to understand the position of another person. Friendships - or lack of them - have a huge impact on a child's social adjustment, influencing his future. Research shows that peer problems such as isolation or rejection portend a range of behavioral difficulties and further social inadequacy, including depression, dropping out of school, and other psychological problems during adolescence and adolescence.

Why do some children find it difficult to form friendships?

For many kids, making friends is not easy. It has been established that children with a complex temperament - hyperactive, impulsive, not very attentive - experience particular difficulties in forming and maintaining friendships. Poor control over one's own impulses leads to aggressive reactions, an inability to solve interpersonal problems, a lack of empathy, and an inability to calculate the possible consequences of one's actions. Such children are also significantly behind in the development of play skills, which is manifested by the inability to wait for their turn, accept the suggestions of others, offer their own ideas and cooperate with others in the game. It has also been found that children with poor language skills are more likely to be rejected by their peers. They find it difficult to find what to say to start a conversation, they do not know how to respond positively to the initiative of others. As a result, it is not easy for them to enter the group. Children with such difficulties often misjudge what is expected of them in certain situations; they can be abrupt and impulsive and find it difficult to share and wait their turn. They often say something inappropriate or critical. Accordingly, their actions often annoy other children, especially if they play a common game or are focused on their own business. Others may be frightened by how quickly impulsive children lose control of themselves or become aggressive. The reaction of peers may be isolation, rejection or ridicule. This leads to inner discontent, feelings of loneliness and lack of self-respect. This negative self-perception contributes to increasing difficulties in communicating with others, because it makes the child hypersensitive to the words of others, undermines his self-confidence when meeting others, and, ultimately, leads to avoidance of interaction and group activities. Isolation leads to the disappearance of occasions for friendly interaction and the opportunity to acquire the necessary social skills. The end result can be a bad reputation among classmates and other peers and further isolation.

What can parents do?

Trying to teach a child social skills can be a real ordeal for parents - because the latter are usually not present at the moment when they need to be told not to give in to impulsive impulses, to stop and think about how to behave with other children. But still, the first step is to teach the child such skills at home and practice them. As he learns appropriate behavior, you will need to encourage him to use these skills if his mates come to play with him, and work with teachers to ensure that your child develops these skills in interacting with children at school and in group activities.

Teach kids how to make friends and join a group

One of the first social skills you should teach a child is the ability to strike up a conversation or interact with another child or group of children. Some children are shy and afraid to start a conversation or ask to join a group where the children are already doing something. For others, the difficulties arise not because of timidity, but because of too much enthusiasm. They break into a group of children playing without asking permission or waiting for an opportunity. As a result, they are often rejected by the group. Children need to learn how to join a group, wait for a break in conversation, and ask to play. They need to practice these skills with their parents. You can teach this to children through role-play, where the parent first demonstrates the appropriate behavior and then the child repeats it.

RPG Sample

CHILD: Okay.

PARENT: Thank you, where should I start?

Possible variant

The parent approaches the child, stops and watches his game for a while.

PARENT: Wow, what an interesting game. (Waiting for the child's reaction.)

PARENT: May I play with you?

CHILD: No, I want to do everything myself.

PARENT: Okay, maybe another time. When you're done, it'll be great if you want to make my model with me.

Role Reversal: The parent plays the role of the child and the child practices the skills.

Play daily with your child to demonstrate and encourage social skills

Parents need to encourage and praise their children for their friendly play skills. Special attention should also be paid to the education of children with developmental delays (for example, those with autism or Asperger's syndrome) or children who are isolated, insecure and socially excluded. These children are lagging behind in the development of play skills and many have not yet mastered the principles of cooperation and balance in the “take-give” relationship. They lack the skills necessary for fruitful cooperation and mutual interaction.

You can teach your child by playing with him for 10-15 minutes every day, using objects suitable for playing together - blocks, drawing materials, counting sticks, etc. Teach taking turns, sharing, developing the ability to wait, etc. Whenever you see children engaging in desired behaviors, praise them and use the social and emotional skills development methods we talked about in chapter one. It is important that these games are controlled by the child - you do not command, do not interfere, you are patient, do not take the lead, do not criticize, but follow the child - listening, commenting, remaining calm - and praise children's ideas. Remember that children are learning from you and it is your job to create a model for them to play together.

Help your child learn to talk to friends

Poor communication skills are associated with lack of social competence and peer rejection. On the other hand, it has been found that the training of conversational skills contributes to the social orientation of an unpopular child. Role playing with puppets and other games with children can be practiced and taught social skills such as introducing themselves, listening and waiting in line to speak, being interested in another child's feelings, speaking in turns, suggesting ideas, showing interest, praising others. , say "thank you", ask for forgiveness and invite someone to the game. Start by practicing just one or two of these skills, encouraging your child to use them and praising them every time you see him use them at home.

For example: “How nice of you to say “thank you”, I really appreciate it” or “How noble of you that you waited your turn”, or “You really listened to your friend’s idea and accepted his proposal, this is how real friends".

Make a schedule for your child to play with friends at home - and follow it

Encourage your child to invite classmates home after school or on weekends. Choose the right peers and invite them home after school or on weekends. You can ask the teacher which classmates he thinks may have common interests with your child, and who will suit him in temperament. At first, when teaching a child social skills, do not invite an impulsive and hyperactive friend home - choose someone who balances the temperament of your son or daughter. Help your child by rehearsing what to say on the phone with them, and also talk to other children's parents so they know about your invitation.

When friends are invited home, be sure to plan time for games. Consider activities such as building a wooden fort, doing an experiment, building a model, playing ship, making cookies, playing baseball, etc. Discuss with your child what might please a friend and structure the visit in such a way that to have a clear purpose and structure. Keep a close eye on these activities for signs that the game is getting out of control. Silence, rough play, running around the house, growing irritation or hostility are signals that children need to take a break and eat, or move on to other, calmer activities. Show interest in your child's friend, find out what he likes to do after school, what sports he likes, what his favorite food is, etc. there is no social interaction and no chance to get to know each other better. Keep your first visits short and sweet.

Teach and practice social skills at home while your child plays with peers

Start by choosing one or two social behaviors that you would like your baby to develop (such as sharing or taking turns). First, make sure you teach your child this behavior while playing alone. You can even chart this behavior. This schema will remind both you and your child what type of behavior you are working on. Then, when the child's friends come to play, see if he uses these skills. When you see such manifestations, praise the children for friendly play. You might want to give kids points, stickers, or other rewards when they share toys, wait their turn to play, or help each other. Children 7 years and older will not be too embarrassed if you distract them from group play, praise and reward in a way that others do not see.

When giving praise, be sure to clearly explain what you are praising for. Don't just reward your child, praise both children for cooperating and working together, and talk about how good friends they are becoming. For example: “And you work very well together! You are so friendly to each other and everyone helps the other. You will have a wonderful thing! Yes, you are just a single team! Discuss with your child several times a week the communication pattern and the social skills you are working on. Remind him to use these skills when he goes to play at a friend's house. When the child has learned the first lessons, you can move on to other types of social behavior.

Here are some social behaviors that children may need your help with: sharing, waiting, changing, asking (not demanding), speaking nicely, cooperating, suggesting and accepting ideas from a friend, expressing positive emotions, helping a friend, being patient .

How to teach children to solve problems and resolve conflicts

It's one thing to make a friendship, it's another to keep it. The key skill your child needs to maintain a relationship is the ability to resolve conflict. When there is no such skill, the most aggressive child usually achieves his goal. In this case, everyone loses - the “aggressor” will learn to offend friends and will be rejected by their peers because of their aggressiveness, and passive children will learn to be victims. Therefore, it is important that parents help children to resolve conflicts, without, however, taking on the dominant role. You can play the role of a “second judge” and, if disagreements arise, involve children in the process of discussing the problem, encouraging them to look for a solution. Follow the troubleshooting steps in Chapter 8.

Let's say six-year-old Avia and seven-year-old Carey each want to play their own game. Anna yells "I want to play house" and Carey "No, I want to make beds, we played house last time!" to which Anna replies "No, we didn't, we did what you wanted ". In this case, you can say, “Well, we have a problem here. Everyone wants to play their own. Do you have any ideas how to solve this problem?” They then make their own suggestions, such as taking turns playing, combining both games, or doing something else. Once a decision is made, everyone will have to compromise. Children will then begin to understand what to do in case of conflict. Be sure to praise the friendly game and the good solution to the problem.

There is one game that you can play with your kids. It's called Pass the Hat. Rolled-up notes with questions are placed in the hat. You and the children sit in a circle and, to quiet music, pass each other a hat. When the music stops, the one who has a hat on his lap must take out a piece of paper from it and answer the question. If he does not know the answer, he can ask someone for help. Below are some options for questions. Add some jokes to make the game more entertaining.

· A friend comes to you and asks what to do when he is teased. What will you answer him?

· You see how some guys on the playground do not take your friend to play with them, even offend and repel. What will you do?

· What is the solution"?

· How do you know you have a problem?

· What is a "consequence"?

· What questions should you ask yourself to ensure that your decision will have good consequences?

· Your friend just lost his new shoes. What will you tell him?

· Your father looks angry and says he didn't have a good day. What will you tell him?

· You see someone crying in the playground. What can you say or do?

Teach your child to use positive self-suggestion

When experiencing feelings of rejection or disappointment, children may have hidden negative thoughts that reinforce this feeling. Such thoughts are sometimes referred to as "self-hypnosis", although children often say them out loud. For example, a child who says: “I am the worst, no one loves me, I can’t do anything” shares negative thoughts with you. Children can be taught to recognize negative self-suggestion and replace it with positive ones to help them cope with frustration and control outbursts of anger. For example, when a child asks to play with a friend and is rejected by him, he may say to himself, “I know what to do. I'll find someone else to play with" or "I can stay calm and try again" or "I'll stop and think first." In this way, children learn to regulate their reactions, which in turn affects their behavior. Positive self-hypnosis gives them a means to manage their emotions in relationships with their peers.

How to help your child control anger

Aggression and lack of self-control are perhaps the biggest obstacles to solving problems and building successful relationships in childhood. There is also evidence to suggest that aggressive and inattentive children are more likely to interpret the behavior of another child or adult as hostile and threatening. When a child is aroused by anger, fear, anxiety, or aggression (with increased heart rate and rapid breathing), he is unable to use either problem-solving skills or other social skills. Therefore, he needs to learn to control emotions in situations that cause anger. Turtle Tactics invites children to imagine that they, like a turtle, have a shell to hide in. When the child hides in his shell, he should take three deep slow breaths, telling himself: “Stop, take a deep breath. Take it easy".

Taking slow breaths, the child imagines some calming and happy picture and says to himself: “I can calm down. I can do it. I can try again." Once you've taught your child this technique, you can use the word "tortoise" whenever you see him getting emotionally agitated. Teachers can also use this signal in the classroom to encourage a child by stamping a turtle on their hand or giving them a sticker that says, “I can control my anger” (see Chapter 9 on controlling emotions).

Encourage positive contact with children in the neighborhood

Enroll your child in a children's group in your area, such as sports and summer camp. If you have an impulsive and inattentive toddler, we suggest that you choose programs that offer organized activities with proper adult supervision. Small groups are best. Try to avoid peer activities that involve a lot of concerted action or complex rules, and stay away from activities that involve long periods of passive sitting, such as on the bench in minor leagues. Worst of all, if an absent-minded child falls into a passive position on the field. He will quickly lose interest - it would be better if he was active and thus retained attention to the game. Avoid excessive competition, which can cause emotional excitement, despair, and increasingly disorganized behavior. Of course, the exception to this will be a child with a clear sports gift. In such cases, you should encourage sports, as this will support the child's self-esteem.

How to collaborate with teachers

Parents have little opportunity to see their child in a large group of children, and it is in such situations that he must apply his social skills! Behavior in the classroom may differ from behavior at home. Your child behaves correctly when one friend comes to his house, but he may still have significant problems communicating in a large group. Therefore, it is important to meet with the teacher and discuss how the child behaves at home and at school. Together you will determine which social skills to support. Map out skills and make a copy for the teacher. The latter can put notes in it every time the child calmly raises his hand, cooperates with others, appropriately participates in the work (and does not speak out from the spot), etc.

At the end of the day, this card can be sent home with the child for parents to transfer points to the home reward scheme. For example, earning five marks in school could mean an extra bedtime story or some special activity at home.

It would be ideal if, together with the teacher, you made an intensive program for the school. For example, every day when a child earns a certain number of marks, they can choose some kind of reward, such as extra time at the computer, or the opportunity to be first in line for lunch at the cafeteria, or be the leader in a class debate. It is also helpful if the teacher gives your child some responsibilities so that other children see him in a positive light.

If the children are extremely inattentive, you may need to ask for a school counselor, assistant or teacher to be appointed as a coach. Such a coach may meet with the child three times a day for a short five-minute check-in. During this test, he looks at the child's pattern of behavior and praises any success in interactions with other children. He also checks whether the child has books ready for classes and whether homework is recorded in the diary. During the lunch break, the coach monitors the child's behavior at recess, and before he goes home, he checks the progress for the whole day again, and also makes sure that the child takes home the behavior chart, books and homework.

Teamwork training, where children work in small groups, also promotes socialization. It is very important that more active and impulsive children get into groups with socially trained children. Children who are isolated or who are usually victims should be placed in groups with positive, friendly students. Carefully planned group sessions, when the main thing is common work, create a joint positive dependence on each other and a sense of community among group members. When everyone is responsible for the assimilation of some task by all other members of the group, children begin to feel responsible for each other.

Empathy training

One of the keys to your child's social success lies in his ability to think about the concerns, goals, and feelings of others. If your child cannot understand the other person's point of view, he is unable to correctly interpret and respond to social cues. Empathy takes years to develop, and all children are self-absorbed and self-centered at an early age. However, it is possible to increase their sensitivity to the feelings and opinions of other people.

And finally, a warm, trusting relationship between parents and a child, no doubt, greatly increases the chances of maintaining healthy friendships. Reinforce your child's positive self-image. Try to be his example and mentor.

Summing up...

Remember:

· During one-on-one play, show your child how to join a group, play together, and talk with friends.

· During daily playtime, continue to label and praise friendly behavior.

· Invite your child's classmates home and use it to practice social skills and regulate emotions.

· Organize games that encourage collaboration and social skills while visiting friends.

· Encourage your child to use positive self-suggestion and self-regulation tactics to stay calm during conflict situations.

· Design reward programs for children who have difficulty communicating and practice certain social skills.

· Collaborate with teachers to coordinate behavior plans and systems that develop desired social skills in the child both at school and at home.

Thanks to such skills as sociability and friendliness, the child develops physically and intellectually. There is nothing more important - this is how he can feel "in the pack." New children are sources of new experiences, good and not so good habits, new hobbies and interests. Only thanks to communication with children, the child comes from the kindergarten, full of strength and joy, talks about new cartoon characters and can tell you previously unknown teasers.

Social adaptation is extremely important for the baby. Without sociability, it will be very difficult for him in the professional field. It is important to protect your interests without affecting the feelings of importance of other children, and this is a very delicate point. How do you know if your child is social? This is easy to see when you go out with him to the playground. Is he drawn to children? Does he refuse an offer to play?

In kindergarten, it is not easy to control the situation, and here the teacher will become your connecting link. Ask her who your child plays with, how he behaves around children. When you pick up from the garden, talk to the crumbs about his friends and activities in the kindergarten. If he does not tell anything about other children or says that he is offended, this is an occasion to deepen the conversation and teach the baby to communicate correctly.

Self esteem and friends

It often happens that child communication with other children is excluded because he is afraid to show himself in front of everyone in kindergarten. It speaks of low self-esteem. In this case, try to take your child more often on a visit, for walks, shopping and teach him to communicate with you. Be the first to talk to children and strangers, gradually involving the baby in the conversation. Using your example, he will see that unfamiliar children and people do not pose a threat and will begin to take an example from you.

It happens that the baby closes in itself and is silent, or most of the time it plays itself. This speaks of the inner experiences of the baby, it is difficult for him to leave the comfort zone. This often happens after an illness or holidays, when the baby is weaned from kindergarten.

Teach your child how to get along with other children- a whole art. It is important that the baby feels significant - does not curry favor with the children, but at the same time does not behave like a narcissistic narcissist. How to find a balance? See how you communicate with your baby at home. Self-love is a very vulnerable feeling. Never set an example for other children. So you will develop in the crumbs aggression towards them and resentment towards you.

If the kid turned out to be wrong on the playground, do not scold him in the presence of strangers. It's better to talk in private. In order not to lower the self-esteem of the baby, judge him not as a person, but as an act. No need to say “you are so aggressive, why did you take away a toy from Dima?”. It’s better to say this: “you can’t take away toys from children - it’s so easy to offend them.” Remember, the personality of the crumbs is inviolable and only deeds deserve blame. Watch good cartoons with your little one that will help to teach the kid to communicate in kindergarten. After watching, be sure to discuss the actions of the characters, explaining what is good and what is bad.

Number of friends

How many friends should a baby have? Some will say the more the better, but this is not always true. For many parents, nothing is more important child communication in kindergarten and they try to squeeze him into all the performances so that the baby is the first everywhere. However, many circles and endless performances put a great strain on the baby's psyche, although they add popularity to him in the form of friends who admire him.

Teaching a child to be friends with everyone in kindergarten no need. Let the baby communicate only with those who he likes and treats him well. Every kid has a different personality type. Closed children will deepen friendship with one or two friends. And open ones will be friends with everyone a little bit. Typically, friendships change over time, and the child may become more selective in choosing friends.

Parents will help teach a child to be friends with children in kindergarten

Everyone to the house. Try to aadaptation of the child in kindergarten went very easily. To do this, create a circle of friends for a shy baby yourself. Offer to invite the kids to your baby's birthday party, or invite your friends with kids to dinner. Little by little, the baby will get used to it. Better yet, enroll your child in a circle of interests. These often happen in kindergarten. If the kid is fond of drawing, modeling, it will be easier for him to find friends among like-minded people. And having learned to communicate in a circle, the baby will be liberated in the kindergarten.

Psychology from an early age. Talk a lot about children, discuss them from the good side and analyze the mistakes. A familiar boy was punished by a teacher? Discuss what he did wrong and how he should have behaved. Teach your child about psychology with simple examples, but do not speak badly about other people. Be neutral.

Children's problems. Few nteach a child to be friends in kindergarten, it is also important to be able to help him cope with the first problems. If the child's friends are at odds with each other, tell him about the neutral position. Teach not to speak badly about children behind their backs, but always try to understand them. But this does not mean that the baby should become soft-bodied. Teach him to hit back and tell him that justice is the best defense.

The child is an introvert

It will be difficult if the baby is immersed in himself and shy of others. But breaking the character of a small introvert is not worth it. Does the kid love books more than the company of children? This is good, if not taken to extremes. Such child also possible teach to make friends in kindergarten. That's just friendship will be different - deeper and real. Let the baby look closely at the children at first, tell them that it is not necessary to join the team at all costs. It is important to first take an observant position, and then sit next to someone with whom you are interested. And after a while, start a conversation.

Introverted children may not like kindergarten because they cannot stand a lot of noisy children. Such a child should be allowed to rest at home from the kindergarten with toys or books. Do not require communication even at home, watch the child and give him time to recuperate in his little world.

extrovert child

Teach your child to be friends in kindergarten not difficult if he is an extrovert. Such children are always in sight, everywhere they speak and chat incessantly. With bright energy, they are very attracted to new friends. Not scary at all social adaptation of a child in kindergarten in the presence of strongly pronounced extraversion. However, there may be a minus here too - such children have many friends and change them quite quickly.

They can also be the instigators of boycotts and unite against other children. This needs to be stopped right away. Extroverts are leaders who lead, which means they should be an example. Tell the baby that the kids look at him and imitate him, so let him behave well.

Aries. Little Aries is a small fire that is hard to miss. Teach him not to be afraid to show the initiative bestowed by nature.

Taurus. For Taurus, comfort in kindergarten is important. Therefore, any quarrels take him out of the rut. Deal with all conflicts together.

Twins. These kids are very mobile, but your task is to teach them to focus on one thing and be more attentive to children.

Crayfish. These are quiet children who find it difficult to adapt. Don't ask too much of them.

A lion. Lions love to show off. Tell him that this character trait can alienate his friends from him.

Virgo. They love peace and discipline. Noisy children bring them out. Little Virgos can teach and thus turn into a bore. Teach your baby to be more tolerant of the shortcomings of friends.

Scales. There are usually no problems with this sign. However, they cannot always focus on one thing.

Scorpions. They love solitude. Do not demand from them sociability before they are ready.

Sagittarius. Such children are impulsive and can easily offend others. Teach them to be kinder.

Capricorn. Infrequently recognizes children's amusements. Tell that an adult view of life is good, but it is also worth participating in children's games in order to make friends.

Aquarius. Non-standard from birth and can be real rascals. Teach them discipline at home.

Fish. Very touchy. Tell them that resentment is not an option. You need to talk with children if they are wrong, and not withdraw into yourself.

Armed with this knowledge, you can easily send the baby to kindergarten. Remember that each child is individual and do not demand from him to meet social standards, by all means.