Who is at risk of emotional burnout or fatigue syndrome? I don't want to communicate with anyone

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It sometimes happens that suddenly or not suddenly, but you want to change your social circle. No, nothing happened, no one offended anyone, didn’t set anyone up, didn’t spread rumors. And nothing seems to have changed radically enough to make one want change. But it’s just that we seem to have stopped understanding each other with these people, they are tiring, the threads that connected us seem to be broken. Why is this happening and how to understand yourself, is it time to update your friends, what do we really need - psychologist Maria Pugacheva will help us find answers to these questions today.

Why does a person need a vacation?..

Has anyone thought? And a person has a vacation to relax.

“In principle, we can get tired morally, psychologically, energetically - call it whatever you want - from what is happening around us, what we are doing, with whom we communicate, and so on,” explains Maria Pugacheva. “We are simply tired, simply “exhausted.” Naturally, friends will fall under this condition. Now this is the scourge of our time - general fatigue, especially in megacities, every third person complains about it."

Perhaps you just want peace, some kind of serene rest, immersion in yourself, silence, and not communication on the same topics. So the friends themselves have nothing to do with this and don’t let them be offended, you just need time for proper rest.

Growing organism

Another explanation for such sentiments could be that you have grown in some way, developed personally, or simply began to live in some other social category, ideology, worldview, circumstances, but your friends remained the same. “Of course, now you are not only uninterested with them, but, perhaps, subconsciously uncomfortable in some way. In this case, changing your social circle dramatically, of course, will be difficult and, perhaps, not necessary, but you need to gradually make new acquaintances and comrades,” advises Maria Pugacheva.

Over time, they will become your friends, and those who were such will remain good old friends. Everything will be natural and logical: no one is offended and you have no feelings of guilt.

Take a break

It happens that we have one problem in life that drags on for months or even years, it weighs heavily on us, we discuss it with friends, they constantly ask how we are doing. At first it helps and supports a lot, but then over time it begins to inexplicably irritate, anger, and burden. “As a result, every time communication with friends becomes, as it were, a reanimation of this problem, a constant reminder of it. And you, perhaps, have long wanted to finally get rid of it, and not perceive yourself in it,” says Maria Pugacheva.

For example, if a woman is unmarried and cannot find a partner for a long time, if someone takes a long time to decide on a divorce, if someone’s business still cannot work, or someone cannot cure a chronic disease. In this case, it is important to ask your friends never to remind you about this again, not to ask how you are doing in this area, not to start conversations about it.

“Well, if it’s really hard for you to be in their circle, then try to get out of it for a while and chat with someone new,” advises Maria Pugacheva. By the way, it is quite possible that your problem will also be solved when you expand the boundaries of your life and your communication.

Has it ever happened to you that you wanted to “break up” with old friends and make new ones? Why do you think this happened, how did you get out of the situation?

Society is divided into those with whom it is pleasant to communicate and those with whom it is not so much. Those with whom communication does not evoke emotions also belong to the second category. Each of us has friends who make us sick, and there are those whose attention we enjoy. “Be simpler, and people will be drawn to you” is such a familiar and hackneyed phrase that you no longer understand how much of a joke it contains, or whether it contains it at all.

So what criteria become determining in relation to a comfortable relationship?

What “options” should the interlocutor have? After all, eloquence and intelligence alone are not always enough, and here some moral qualities come into the arena. Let's try to understand the issue in more detail. To do this, I will list what irritates me about some people.

Boasting. I can tell you that it doesn’t matter how to correctly “frame” stories about your achievements in the form of buying a car, an apartment, a ring or chewing gum - you need to be able to. Of course, the success of a speaker is largely determined by his level of income, but he is very mistaken if he believes that the listener will positively perceive everything that he did not dump when filling out the income tax return. However, the listener may perceive it, but this is precisely what determines his level. A delicate, casual mention of one’s achievements will make a much greater impression on the appropriate public, while open boasting causes a feeling of irritation and rejection.

Lots of advice. There is no need to try to look like a storehouse of wise advice and a generator of some super ideas. When some of my friends start teaching me wisdom, I want to hiccup at their shoes, which cost five times less than mine. I understand that it is not out of the kindness of their hearts that they are sympathetically delving into my problem, but for the sake of self-affirmation. After all, you stand head and shoulders above when you share “wisdom” at a speed of 20 shots per minute. But I never tire of asking the question: if you are so smart, then why are you so poor?

In general, I’ll tell you for sure: when I need advice, that’s what I say about it. But when I need a way out of negativity so that it doesn’t clog my inner being, there’s no need to try to interrupt me by inserting your ridiculous recommendations. I don’t know about anyone, but when I get slagged, I can rashly and hit. In general, sometimes I look and don’t understand why I’m surrounded by so many people, when some of them exceed a dozen in the amount of “knowledge” that, alas, has never been useful to me. I remember a joke: what a pity that people who know how to lead a country already work... as taxi drivers and hairdressers. Let's move on.

These fixated egoists are generally killing me. They can talk about themselves for hours, while being sure that the other 10 people are in crazy awe of their broadcasts. At these moments I am afraid to imagine what is happening to the same egoist, only a little more latent, who is hiding in the circle of listeners. He probably eagerly awaits his turn and is jealous of the attention of others towards the competing speaker.

But that's nothing. Here’s the problem: when I try to express my thoughts, I have difficulties due to the inability to pause, because the comrade described above always tries to insert his nickel into it. I don’t know about anyone, but I vote “against” with both hands regarding the presence of such individuals in my company.

I have a neighbor who firmly believes that every second I am interested in whose car was scratched last night or what Victor is thinking about from the next door. Well, yes, my general hobby is to think about what the Victors think about. I’m simply starting to avoid this comrade and I don’t understand how this can’t be noticeable? Maybe this is one of the signs of stupidity? Then some things fall into place.

Or, you know, there is one rotten little man in a company who, behind his back, discusses a mutual acquaintance with someone, with whom he will then discuss this “someone.” You shouldn't be excluded from your social circle for something like this. It would be better to hit him in the face for this.

I get pleasure bordering on strong irritation (yes, yes, it happens, listen to yourself) when I see someone trying hard to get their tongue into someone’s, sorry, ass. And so this “someone” at this moment is tense and concentrated that I even somehow feel embarrassed for him, suddenly he doesn’t get it - and, as it were, he squandered it. This is also a stupid feeling that nature came up with, what does it even mean - embarrassed for someone? That is, he is clever, but I am not? Especially in the context of the butt and tongue it sounds depressing.

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In the social age, a person who does not communicate with his own kind causes unconscious anxiety. Sometimes the person himself understands: “I don’t want to communicate with people” and the next question in his head is: “What’s wrong with me?” Calmly. The action plan is:

Do not panic.
Wait a couple of days or a week, maybe it will go away on its own.

Dislike for others does not arise out of nowhere. Every person experiences attacks of misanthropy when he realizes: “I don’t want to communicate with people.” In the information age, this is a normal state. Nowadays there is too much of everything: data, people, conversations, events. , runs out of steam.

Misanthrope and introvert

Misanthropy is a state of mind in which at its heart there is hostility towards man as a species. It happens:

Natural. When others say about a person: “He prefers solitude (loneliness) to noisy companies since we remember him.” In this case we are talking about “innate” misanthropy. Here it is difficult to establish whether the environment or internal qualities influenced the character, but the person already at an early age became disillusioned with people, perhaps having learned what a secret.
Situational. Attacks of misanthropy were discussed above.
Acquired. A person’s activities do not affect him in the most favorable way, and he turns into a recluse (actors, writers, psychologists).

Misanthropes and introverts are confused. An introvert, unlike a misanthrope, does not experience any negative feelings towards a person as a species, on the contrary: an introvert can bow to an abstract person, a person as an idea, but people of flesh and blood oppress and tire him.

A misanthrope is a person who does not accept his own kind, and his hatred is rooted in ideological soil. And dislike for people is not necessarily a manifestation of mental illness.

Introvert and extrovert

There are 3 misconceptions about introversion and extroversion:

An introvert is a misanthrope who does not like people and would prefer loneliness to any company.
An extrovert is a shirtless guy whom you don’t feed with bread, just let him talk to people. He prefers any company to loneliness.
These characteristics are innate, and nothing can be done about them during life.

The author of the concept of extraversion and introversion, Carl Jung, understands an introvert as a person whose mental energy is directed inward. Such a subject reflects and contemplates and in this finds the meaning of life. An introvert does not become scattered and does not waste his energy in vain. He is concentrated and self-sufficient.

An extrovert is a person who prefers to direct his energy towards the world. He gets pleasure from external activities, he is energetically nourished by the response and reaction of other people and cannot endure loneliness for a long time, but:

When an introvert finds himself in the right company of like-minded people, he turns into a sociable extrovert.
An extrovert is harmed by constant involvement in the flow of events. He, too, gets tired of the carnival and retires to lie low for a day or two, a week, a month and not emerge.

- rather, these are different directions of mental energy, which depend on the tone of a person’s nervous system and his needs at a particular moment in life.

“I don’t want to communicate!” What to do?

First of all, a person asks himself three questions:

When did it start?
Is it related to a specific event or person?
Does reluctance to communicate cause a lot of trouble?

If misanthropy (or a period of introversion) began after a certain event or, then it is worth waiting and analyzing why the break occurred.

Situation one. Conflict with a person. If a person is valuable enough, then silence is a normal reaction. Time will pass, and everything will work out, but the contradiction that has arisen between people requires a solution. Without it, sociability will not be restored.
Situation two. Events forced me to lie low. forces a person to rethink his life, and to think better in silence. If serious problems arise, then it is better to discuss them with family and friends (even the most uncommunicative people have those they trust).
Silence is a reaction to an “information overdose.” Disconnecting from social networks and other channels will help relieve accumulated tension. The body must come to its senses. In this case, silence is temporary and serves as a cure for overwork. If a person has a breakdown for the first time, the ideal solution is to relax in nature for a couple of weeks; fatigue and reluctance to communicate will go away.

Aristotle and other sages teach: “Man is a social animal.” And Napoleon, in a different, albeit, context, said: “A man cannot eat one chicken all the time.” The same is true with communication. Society aggressively imposes the ideal of a “sociable person.” And when someone thinks: “I don’t want to communicate, what should I do?” No need to be nervous. Sometimes staying silent isn't such a bad thing.

February 16, 2014

They helped us:

Marina Vershkova
Psychologist

Marianna Volkova
Practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology

Elena Kuzeeva
Psychologist

Marina Travkova
Family psychotherapist

Afraid of judgment

You are no longer 15, but the feeling that a loved one (parents, grandmother, older brother) is making your life unbearable does not let you go. All your attempts to establish communication have led nowhere. It doesn’t matter why: maybe this same relative is just an emotional abuser and doesn’t want to negotiate, but wants to ruin your life. Or a person simply has a bad character and a difficult fate, and you sob into your pillow at night, trying to understand what is to blame. The important thing is that you would be much happier if you interrupted or reduced communication to a minimum.

However, the fear of condemnation cancels out all the arguments of reason. After all Since childhood, we have heard that arguing with family is bad. Because there is nothing more important than family, and friends and others like them come and go. After all, what will people think?

What to do: “In such cases, it’s about respecting personal boundaries,” says family psychotherapist Marina Travkova. – You can run away from your relatives far away, but the tension will still remain. Therefore, first you need to hear yourself, without turning a blind eye to your own discomfort, and finally choose who is dearer to you: you or all those people who will “say something.”

It is impossible to please everyone, so a person who sets himself such a task is in a trap. This lifestyle deprives you of joy, strength and health. It originates, as a rule, where a person from childhood was taught to be “the way he should be” and was taught that “he’s not like that, he’s wrong, no one needs him.”

Remind yourself that you are no longer a helpless baby. It is mortally scary for a child to be rejected by those he loves and on whom he depends. But you've grown up. AND if someone is upset by your behavior, then most likely neither you nor the person upset will die from it. Gently but confidently explain that you, of course, are relatives, but this situation no longer suits you. Get ready for resistance - usually the “you’ll put up with me anyway” behavior is very popular with the person who practices it, and your loved one will not give it up so easily. You still won’t be able to be good to everyone, but in this situation, someone has to show concern for you, and that someone, most likely, is you.”

We need to communicate

This is generally the most popular excuse for those who tolerate both a despot husband and a boorish neighbor. There is a sea of ​​different “musts” that are carried out without thinking about who needs it and, in fact, why. You must definitely get married, build a dizzying career, and travel around the world. One of these “musts” is the indispensable friendship with newly made relatives and “friends of friends,” as well as with their other halves. The usual neutral-respectful attitude and polite conversations in rare meetings are not suitable. It's friendship.

And it doesn’t matter that we choose husbands and friends based on common interests, mutual sympathy and other compatibility, and everything else comes as a set, as they are. And mutual love may not work out. Or there will be mutual dislike. Simply put, you are not ready and don’t want to become related to them, but you continue to put a good face on a bad game, supporting yourself with arguments: “we are one family,” “I was raised this way,” and “everyone does this.”

What to do: “If you dig deep,” says psychologist Marina Vershkova, “then the program “this is how it should be” has been preset for us since childhood. This behavior was characteristic of the generation of our grandmothers and mothers, and we inherited. But if you look at the surface, this is the most common attempt to control the opinions of others about you. You selflessly make friends with the closest circle of the person dear to you, in this way trying to say: “I’m good, I’m doing everything right.”

But try to listen to your desires and determine which way of communicating with these people suits you best. Don’t be afraid to fantasize, play out this method to yourself and see what emotions and feelings it evokes in you.

However, you should not deceive yourself: if a certain “I don’t want” is revealed, you will have to legalize it, that is, admit it at least to yourself. This way it will be easier to understand that you don’t need such communication.”

Your rights

For anyone who enjoys feeling guilty, it might be helpful to keep on hand “The Rights of the Confident Person” (from the Psychological Individual Bill of Rights, a non-official document developed by the American Psychological Association).

1. Each person has the right to evaluate his own behavior, thoughts, feelings and be responsible for them.
2. Every person has the right not to make excuses or explain his actions to others.
3. Everyone has the right to refuse a request without feeling guilty, and to decide for themselves whether they want to take responsibility for solving other people's problems.
4. Every person has the right to change their decisions.
5. Every person has the right to ignorance, to make illogical decisions, and not to be perfect.

Afraid of offending

Perhaps you yourself do not want to be tender friends with distant relatives and husbands of friends, but others expect this from you. Those whom you love very much and do not want to offend. For example, your man. You put a lot of effort, trying to be good for everyone, but in the end you are constantly nervous and you yourself are offended by him - because the person close to you does not understand you, does not see how bad you feel in the presence of his mother. This situation could very well end in a damaged relationship for which you tried so hard. Some call this feminine wisdom, which, however, is usually used to cover up anything, from fear of changing your life for the better to outright stupidity.

What to do: Marianna Volkova, a practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology, advises: “Understand that all your “sacrifices” in the name of general peace are absolutely in vain. While you suffer in silence, those around you are sure that everything is fine, and if one day you try to present your suffering as some kind of feat for the sake of your loved one, most likely they will simply not understand you. Agree, it’s strange to do what you don’t want and at the same time remain silent.

Sooner or later you will simply explode and throw out everything that has accumulated over a long time, without controlling your emotions. In this case, the truth will not be on your side: after all, if you did not show dissatisfaction before, it means that everything suited you. And suddenly - an unexpected scene. As a result, you risk being branded as an unbalanced hysterical woman.

The best way out would be a direct conversation, but based not on the personality of the unpleasant person, but on your own feelings and emotions. A compromise can always be found, but any compromise begins with a frank conversation" It is possible that the one you are so afraid of offending will actually try to be offended. If a loved one stubbornly refuses to listen to you and your desires, all that remains is to simply confront him with a fact and remind him that you are also a living person and have the right to psychological comfort.

Dangerous for health

The ability to think about the feelings of loved ones and the desire to see them happy and contented is worthy of respect. But if at the same time you forget about your emotions and comfort, such psychological “long-suffering” threatens with nervous disorders and, as a result, various diseases.

Psychologist Elena Kuzeeva has no doubt: “If you have noticed the peculiarity of “tolerating and forgiving everything” and at the same time you are characterized by psychosomatic illnesses, the best solution would be to go for a consultation with an experienced specialist. You need emotional support and help in developing the ability to set boundaries in communication, plus you need to deal with the defense mechanisms that have strengthened over the years. And it’s not always easy to do this alone.”

I'm used to communicating

You have been communicating with a colleague since times that no one else in the team remembers. But many years have passed and you have no common interests left. Or, moreover, you have become uncomfortable - instead of the usual joy, you only experience irritation. It would seem that everything is obvious: communication should be curtailed or reduced to infrequent meetings with conversations about the weather and nature. But in reality, everything is not so rosy.

What to do: “If you not only disagree, but you actually experience negative emotions when communicating with a person, it is better to gradually reduce contact to nothing,” says Marianna Volkova. – Over time, people change, and perhaps you really are no longer on the path. Of course, it’s a shame to abandon a friend with whom you spent so much time. But often we are afraid of losing not the person himself, but communication as a ritual that accompanied every stage of our life.”

Such relationships can often be compared to a long-term marriage in which feelings have become a habit. It will most likely be a pity and insult for you to interrupt them. In this case, it helps to think about your opponent’s feelings. A person sincerely believes that everything is as before, and strives for communication. So, even out of respect for your long-term friendship, stop pretending that everything is okay. You have 2 options: either honestly admit your feelings, or carefully reduce communication to a level at which you feel comfortable. The main thing is not to try to turn a blind eye to the situation.

If they don't want to talk to you

What if you find yourself in any of the above situations, but on the other side of the barricade? “When you are unexpectedly denied communication, you most often begin to delve into yourself and look for reasons,” reflects Marianna Volkova. “Because you can’t understand how you, who are so good and have done nothing wrong to a person, are ignored.”

You can, of course, torment yourself and your loved ones with endless “why?” You can even arrange a confrontation and try to call the person who does not accept you to a frank conversation. But in this case, you risk at least putting both yourself and your opponent in an awkward position. At the most, provoke a conflict that both of you could easily do without. It’s best, of course, to leave a person the right to choose with whom and how to communicate.”

How to adjust

To be fair, it is worth saying that simply cutting off all contacts with an unpleasant person is not always realistic. It is unlikely that you will be able to openly tell your boss that you no longer want to see him and that all work issues are now sent via corporate mail. We'll have to find a way to adjust. Let’s say a citizen doesn’t do anything bad to you personally, but at the same time irritates you terribly. You're looking for a clue, but you don't see it - it just infuriates you, that's all.

“If you feel irritated in the company of a certain person for no apparent reason, you should first understand yourself,” hints Elena Kuzeeva. “Perhaps the unfortunate man has nothing to do with it at all.” You may find that he resembles another person from the past with whom unpleasant emotions are associated. Or you feel inferior in some area next to him. Perhaps you had some expectations about him, and they were not met. After identifying and understanding the causes of irritation, unpleasant emotions can completely disappear.”

If you understand perfectly well what exactly makes you angry, all you have to do is try to minimize the damage. Marianna Volkova advises treat every meeting with an unpleasant person as, for example, going to the dentist– so-so joy, but necessary. “It helps a lot to realize that of the two of you, only you spend nerve cells. And he doesn’t care if he annoys you.”

Question for a psychologist:

Hello! In my life there is only work and my parents with whom I live. And also a dog. Everything is great at work, I enjoy building a career, I easily communicate with people, solve problems, show emotions... That is, I have no problems with communication, no fears or insecurities.. I have always had friends, and I still do. .. But I don’t want to communicate with anyone anymore.. Although I really love to communicate.. And I always have something to say, tell, discuss, and so on.. However, I’m tired of adapting to people or something.. Or maybe arguing about about “what I need and what I don’t”, “that it’s time for me to get married” or something else... Any personal conversation ends with negative emotions for me. Either people don’t want to understand me, or I’ve stopped trying to understand them... Sometimes I want to go live in some wilderness with my dog ​​and spend the rest of my days alone with myself in search of harmony. It's the same with men. Previously, I really needed a relationship.. Now I’m even too lazy to start communication - I know how it will end (misunderstanding, incompatibility, tears and separation, well, not now, in a year, 10 years, 20 years.. doesn’t matter). On the one hand, you want to have a socially adequate status, have children and “be like everyone else,” on the other hand, you don’t want to marry the first person you meet! I don't need compromises. If a person doesn’t understand me, then this is not my person, and there is no point in breaking yourself and him, adapting... I want to communicate, but with a “soulmate”, be it a friend or a man.. But, alas, I have been like this for many years I haven’t met... And I think there is every chance that I will spend my whole life alone, I’m even mentally prepared for this, since I’ve already decided that I will either be happy or alone. But this is a little scary... Will I turn into an old maid with mental problems? Is this normal at all? What is the reason for this? Is it worth going against your condition and trying to continue communicating with friends, going out somewhere, making acquaintances and trying to build relationships? Or is there nothing wrong with what is happening?

Psychologist Evgenia Vasilievna Varaksina answers the question.

Hello Irina!

Thanks for your letter. Let's try to answer your questions together.

The first thing I would like to point out is the contradictions in your letter (why is this important? - because they reflect the contradictions in your life). You write: “I have always had friends, and still have them...” and at the same time, “I want to communicate, but with a “soulmate,” be it a friend or a man.. But, alas, I haven’t been like that for many years I met..." and "Any personal conversation ends with negative emotions for me." Another point: in your letter you ask a lot of questions aimed at understanding yourself, your condition, and at the same time you write “I don’t need compromises. If a person doesn’t understand me, then this is not my person, and there’s no point in breaking yourself and him, adapting...” .

Can you say that you understand yourself 100%? Most likely no. The process of self-discovery is endless. But if this is so, then is it possible to demand a complete understanding of oneself from another person? You are not ready for compromises. Are you ready for full responsibility for uncompromisingness? Please imagine your life in a year: You are increasingly narrowing your circle of personal communication, closing yourself off and finding mutual understanding less and less. Imagine your whole life in detail: work, parents, dog. Now imagine your life in five years, now in 30-40 years, when your parents will no longer be with you. If everything suits you, why not: every person has the right to choose his own destiny. If something in this view seems uncomfortable to you, there is time to change the model of the future before it becomes the present.

Communication with people is a very delicate thing, in it we learn the art of balance: to open up exactly as much as the other is able to appreciate it and carefully preserve it; say - without saying too much; understand yourself through another, see your qualities in another as in a mirror. By refusing to communicate, we lose many opportunities for development.

If others irritate you by knowing “what you need and what you don’t,” and “that it’s time for you to get married,” perhaps you should see this as a reflection of your uncompromisingness. These people are also uncompromising in their understanding of a correct and happy life, but do you like it? You are right that people often think traditionally and try to impose their life experience and path on others and often even unconsciously want to force them to repeat their mistakes and be just as unhappy. But why does this bother you so much? You can understand what is happening, why people say this, and not let it get into you - “like water off a duck’s back” - why do you get upset from such conversations? and “any personal conversation ends with negative emotions”? You are not obliged to repeat other people's scenarios and other people's lives (especially often not particularly happy ones).

Now you have a vision of life as black and white, either-or. Either remain alone for life, or “marry the first person you meet.” Both options are an extreme, and extremes are dangerous (like temperature changes from -40 to +40 - no asphalt can withstand without damage, let alone a person). Arguing in this logic, you must either not work at all, or get an ideal job: with a wise boss, friendly team, high salary, long vacation; or wear nothing at all, or wear the best dress in the world... Then another question: do you yourself fit the ideal job? For example, you do not understand and do not strive to understand people, but in an ideal job there is a friendly team. Do you know what I mean?

In principle, everything you write about is true: a kindred spirit, complete mutual understanding. no disappointments. Are you the only one who fits this? What kind of complete mutual understanding can we talk about if you no longer want to understand other people? The more we want, the more we must work. Are you ready for this kind of work? After all, in order for your partner not to disappoint, you yourself must be able to never disappoint another. First we must demand it from ourselves, only then do we have the right to want it from another. Are you able to understand another person completely? Then you can safely want it from someone else. Rating 4.99 (46 Votes)