I want to leave my wife for the woman I love. Why won't he leave his wife

Fell in love with a married man who is unhappy in marriage? You both realize that you are perfect for each other, but he still stays with his wife? Of course, the likelihood that he will ever leave her is small, but here are a few steps that you can take to lead a man to the right decision. Remember that you cannot force him to do this. It should be his independent decision, made without pressure. Be wise and patient. Very often, people get married for some wrong reasons, and from this their marriage will never become strong. Do not try to hold on to something that does not bring happiness to anyone around you. Therefore, often, divorce is a kind of gift for all parties.

Steps

Don't have sex with him. A married man who cheats on his wife is driven purely by physiological causes. It is clear that at that moment he wanted to part with his wife, so he did it. But, if he really intended to leave his wife, he would have done it even before you met and before the moment of intimacy with you. If you have already had sex, then stop it. Explain the situation by saying that you cannot go to bed with him, as this is unfair to both his wife and to you.

Do not try to manipulate him to leave his wife. Manipulative behavior often works only for a short time. A man must decide everything within himself, voluntarily. After all, you also want him to do it on his own, and not just because you need it.

By not getting into bed with him, you are presenting yourself as a prize to be earned. By this you illustrate that you do not agree to the role of a mistress, but deserve respect and official status. You should have your own personal life and your own interests. It is very good if your common interests are alien to his wife, this will bring you even closer and make you more attractive in his eyes.

Find out what benefits he gets by being married. Even if he is unhappy but still not divorced, there must be something holding him back. The reasons may be different: children, reputation, money (if he is afraid that his wife will take away all or half of his property), etc. Do not make the common mistake of trying to become better than his wife. Such behavior will only push him away from you. There is no point in competing with his wife. He must love you, because you are completely different.

Find out what mistakes his wife made. A woman needs to feel a man. Most likely, his wife ceased to be interesting to him and no longer attracted him: neither as a woman, nor as a person. There are many articles, books and publications on the subject. Clean up the house, cook a delicious dinner. This will demonstrate your economic qualities. Men need to feel comfortable. It is very important to show that you admire him. Women, for whom work and home well-being (in material terms) come first, forget about their duties as a wife and begin to perform male functions. Any man in a similar situation feels discomfort and begins to look for the best on the side. Thus, he needs to confirm his male viability. If he tells you that he no longer sleeps with his wife, don't really believe it. Therefore, do not think that having sex with you, he will quickly leave his wife. No, for this to happen, you have to give him everything that he lacked in marriage. Most often, this is far from intimacy, but the self-perception of a man next to a woman.

Get to know him as a person. Becoming friends with him and getting him to open up to you is quite difficult. This can take a lot of time and patience. Since his affection for his wife may be much deeper than you, and he himself, assumed it. A man should feel for you more than just sexual attraction. He must feel the need for you, feel safe next to you and confidently share his desires, fears, hopes and plans. In addition, getting to know him closer, you can discover hitherto unknown traits of his character that you will not like and will force you to reconsider your attitude towards this man.

Date other men. Don't get hung up on one thing and don't get too attached to it. Men love the competitive spirit. But at the same time, be careful not to blurt out too much in your discussions. Trying to make him jealous can shake his confidence in you.

Don't show that you need him too much. Do not call, do not write, do not look for a meeting. He must come to you himself. If you talk about love from the very first days, he may stop seeking you and just accept it and allow himself to be loved, and in speed he will leave (as was the case with his wife).

Don't be jealous of a man for his wife. Don't be angry with her. As a woman, you should have compassion for her, because this is not her fault (or not only her).

Do not become a family psychologist for a man. The desire to help him solve problems with his wife will not make you more attractive in his eyes. Let him untie the knot himself.

You should not try to confront his wife in any way. By telling her about your relationship and her husband's betrayal, you thereby destroy all chances for a bright future next to him. A man may take this as a betrayal on your part and completely turn away from you.
- Remember that it is important for a man to regain the sense of his masculine worth that he may have lost over the years of marriage. Therefore, you are required to just sit and accept everything that he can and wants to give you, without ceasing to admire and be proud of him at the same time.
- If you think alike, don't do anything behind his back. Let him solve his problems with his wife.
Warnings
- Even if you managed to become strongly attached to a man, be ready to leave at any time, even if it causes you hellish pain. After all, it may happen that he does not leave his wife.
- According to statistics, most divorces occur at the initiative of a woman. Consider this and do not stop considering the option that he will not leave his wife and hurt you.
- It may take time for a man to think about the whole situation and make a decision. Don't think he's turning his back on you. Just be patient. When he comes to you, do not reproach him. Be kind and hospitable.
- Ask yourself why you need this particular married man? There are a lot of free guys around who are not averse to starting courting you. Make sure that your feelings are something more than just excitement that a man is not yet available. Often notorious and insecure women (sometimes due to psychological trauma received in childhood) downright prey on married men and take them away from the family by any means, just to amuse their wounded pride. As soon as a man becomes free, he becomes uninteresting. Therefore, before the situation becomes irreversible, answer these questions for yourself.
- Think about whether you want to have a person nearby who does not honor his marital obligations and does not know how to be faithful to his lawful wife. Where is the assurance that the same will not happen to you? Agree that dishonesty, infidelity and deceit are not the best qualities for a man.
- After a divorce from his wife, a man may feel tension, both emotionally and materially. The reality of everyday life can be very different from your romantic encounters before. He can only feel worse when he is left without a wife, money, reputation and friends (who often support the abandoned wife). Don't let him regret his decision.
- Your reputation may also suffer. It all depends on what social circles you move in. It will not remain a big secret for anyone that the man left the family just for you. This news may come up at work, among mutual friends. Get ready to be criticized and judged negatively. You will have to come to terms with the judgment of some people, even if it is clearly unfair. You must be prepared for the fact that relationships with some people can become strained or even deteriorate. The louder and more dramatic the divorce was, the more food for gossip the ill-wishers will have. In no case do not let evil tongues affect your relationship. The best answer to all critics will be your strong family.
- The wife can try by any means (sometimes even unsafe for you) to return the man to the family. You must be emotionally prepared for this.
- If you still decide to stay close to him, you will have to accept that his wife will always be a part of his life (as the mother of his children, as a woman with whom warm memories and periods of life are associated). She was, is and will be in his life. You can't erase the past and you have to really understand that. But it is in your power to make sure that it remains only a pleasant memory, nothing more.
- Remember, whoever cheated once can do it again. If a man left his wife, he may leave you after a while.
- In the event of a painful divorce, not only the wife, but also the children (if any) can suffer. Think about whether you are ready to take on such a responsibility. Will you be able to withstand his regular meetings with his ex-wife and children in the future, who will most likely hate you and blame you for the breakup of the family.

Family life is a complex and delicate matter. After all, in fact, two people met who, in fact, have different perceptions of life positions, different levels of thinking, different life values and goals. During the period of meetings, unfortunately, this is not so noticeable, but when there is already a full-fledged family, it turns out that it is very, very difficult to adapt to each other. The main goal of the newlyweds is to immediately try to find mutual understanding, some succeed, others do not.

For every woman, romantic relationships are different, and at one point, they may end altogether. The man collects his things and leaves. Of course, before committing such an act, many men think about how to leave their wife without hurting her. Many women are sure that this will definitely not happen, and if they are still in love, they simply do not see what changes have taken place in the life of a loved one. And if the husband declares: “I want to leave my wife,” there are reasons for this. But if the decision is nevertheless made, it is necessary to do it as tactfully as possible.

How to part

Rethink your decision. Take a piece of paper and write down why you decided to do this. Remember, when you made the decision to marry this woman, you did it for some reason. What happened, did the attitude towards her change? Or you, thus, want to give her the opportunity to change her attitude towards you. And if you are firm in your decision, then you need to prepare for parting, because such a relationship cannot have a future.
Try to talk tactfully with your wife and tell her that you are tired and would like to take a break from each other, indicate a period, for example, six months. Also tell her that all this time you will help financially and morally. It doesn't hurt her self-esteem so much. A woman in this case will accept such news less painfully. At the same time, it is necessary to speak firmly about this, and that this is not discussed. And after a while, if your decision does not change, offer her to leave everything as it is. After all, a woman will also have time to rethink everything, and then your relationship can move to another level. Everyone will live their own life.
If you increasingly began to have the thought: how to leave your wife, you need to be able to talk to her correctly and tactfully. Psychologists recommend talking about this on neutral territory. You need to stock up on good arguments and be prepared for any reaction from your wife. After all, who better than you know your wife. Her reaction can also be predictable, so you need to carefully prepare for such a conversation.
If a man has decided to leave his pregnant wife, then this situation is not easy to resolve. First, you need to think well. After all, having decided to have a child, you were happy, imagine this innocent baby, maybe you will change your mind. But if you don’t even allow such a thought, tell her about it honestly and directly. Assure her that you will not leave her alone and will constantly help, but do not leave her hope at the same time. Keep the conversation correct and friendly, do not try to make yourself feel guilty, try to maintain friendly relations. Every person is entitled to their own decision.

I am 33, my wife is 30. A year ago, he left his wife and two sons as a result of long quarrels.
Of course both are to blame. And to this day with each other in a strained relationship. I love children very much, I see each other all the time, I take them on vacation, I try to participate in upbringing more. I suffer very much that I had to leave them and leave, but we both did not see another way out.
A couple of months after leaving the family, I met a girl, an affair started.
Our relationship is much better than with my wife.
A friend has a child from her first marriage, a daughter of 7 years. They clashed a little with her because of her mother, she was very jealous, neither kiss nor hug, immediately hysterical. But I endured it with understanding and easily. However, after a couple of months, several times she managed to hurt me during her scandals by telling me that I was not her father and I could get out of the house. At the same time, I am very satisfied with the rest of the time. I play with her all the time and try to teach her to develop.
After that, he felt emptiness, a periodic lack of response to the desires of his daughter.
Until now, problems with a girlfriend have accumulated. I periodically make comments to her about the upbringing of my daughter, and her own actions. As a result, a few weeks ago, my girlfriend and I parted ways during another spat.
As a result, this is how: I want to be with my sons, but I do not feel love for my wife and there is no understanding with her; I love my girlfriend, it’s hard and sad without her, but I can’t live with her and my daughter, the way of life doesn’t coincide much, and I don’t know how to relate to my daughter, I don’t feel the closeness of the way it should be.

Psychologists Answers

Hello Vasily.

I am reading a letter. Written by a stupid person.

Coming into maturity.

Trying to deal with this life.

Loving children and women.

You would have a wise person next to you, with whom you can talk about your life, see and hear it close.

It's so normal - when there is someone older and wiser around ...

You have good professionals nearby.

Your difficulties are deeper and more than to solve them in letters.

Tips.

Respectfully your feelings,

G. Idrisov.

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Hello Vasily! There are communication problems here - as soon as there are any difficulties in the relationship (which are quite natural!) Then quarrels begin between you - but on your part - these are quarrels-statements of claims - for example, you wrote that you were making comments to your girlfriend (according to about her upbringing, about her actions) - and such turns, such a style is perceived precisely as criticism, as accusations ("You are promises") and it is natural that this style increasingly leads to a distance between you - most likely, as in relations with the wife of communication were built in exactly the same way, and that mutual claims were expressed aloud (BUT - in fact, Nothing! - since these superficial reasons DO NOT hear what is happening inside a person!) - and in relations with his wife they became so stereotypical that all feelings just outlived themselves and you decided to leave the relationship - BUT - again, in a new relationship - the same story begins! and here it is worth thinking about - it means that the style of relations leads the relationship to cooling and, accordingly, it is this style of relationship that needs to be changed - what do you want the relationship between you to change? BUT then it is worth remembering - that for this you need to change yourself! firstly, build relationships constructively - using only "I-messages", and not comments and criticism! secondly, to start seeing exactly your contribution to the development and formation of the situation - everything does not add up by itself - and in order to understand what is happening and how it can be changed - you need to see exactly your contribution (and not wait until everything changes from the outside) - and Only then can things change! and more - it is also important to learn to hear and listen to a partner! without all this, you run the risk of plunging into the same river again and again swimming further, losing everyone around!

Vasily, you can deal with this situation! to understand what is happening and why, how to build constructive relationships - if you really decide - you can feel free to contact me - call - I will only be happy to help you!

Good answer 6 bad answer 2

Vasily, it is important to put all the events and all the participants in their places, keep order and hierarchy, and you have a lot of things mixed and intertwined!

Let's start: firstly, you left your wife, not your sons (they will always be your children, wives change, and parents and children are forever!), secondly - about a friend's daughter (from her husband) - you felt "lack of response to the desires of your daughter" (I remind you that you have two sons, but your daughter does not, this girl is the daughter of another man), which she tells you "... that I am not her father"! And you again about yours ... "I don’t know how to relate to my daughter, I don’t feel the closeness that it should be" - because NOT A DAUGHTER and that kindred closeness should not be and is not. And a repeating scenario both with the first wife and with a girlfriend - remarks, educational moments, "long quarrels" ... Even with a seven-year-old child you manage to "conflict with her", depend on her opinion (and adult relationships are completely another level of relationship and neither the girl nor your sons are allowed to interfere in adult affairs). And you “flirt” with the baby, and she seems to be an equal partner for you (“she managed to offend during her scandals”, points to the door for you, and you rejoice that “I am very pleased with the rest of the time” (as if my son’s mother approved )...

If you feel like an adult and responsible person, self-confident, then you won't have to rush about changing women, trying to "earn" the love of someone else's child and other sensations that you described.

The topic for work - the beginning is rooted in your parental family. The topic is complex, but if you want to clarify and not step on the "rake" again, find your place in life - contact us, family constellations (method) are suitable for unraveling the weaves ... Good luck to you!

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Basil! You have decided to become a father to someone else's daughter. This is your main mistake. You can love her and take care of her, but not be her father. She has a father and he is the only one. Relations with the wife do not depend on the relationship to children and parents. If there are difficulties in relations with his wife, then they must be solved there. There are always difficulties, but there is also a habit of transferring them to children. Naturally, the girl is jealous and one must still be delicate. You don't have to kiss in front of her. As well as trying to win her love with your care. Win your wife's love. She will only be grateful to you for it. By placing these small accents, you will see changes. If you have any further questions, please contact us for consultations.

Read the materials on this topic also in my LiveJournal.

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Hello Vasily.

You were offended that the girl told you in a quarrel that you were not her father. But it's true. It seems that in this place you are faced with a discrepancy between your own expectations and reality. As for the relationship with a friend. If they are important to you, it may make sense to work in pairs with a psychologist. Based on your letter, I can assume that you are trying to educate not only the girl, but also the woman with whom you live. And quarrels arise because she does not seem to like it. However, this is just a hypothesis. If it is important for you to understand in more detail what is happening between you, I will be glad to help. As for the sons and wife. If you do not love her and do not want a relationship with her, it is unlikely that cohabitation will benefit your children. It is important for children to see their parents happy and successful, and not tormented by difficult and deceitful relationships. Therefore, there is only one way out - to see them as often as possible.

If a detailed consultation is important to you, I will be glad to help. Best regards,

Good answer 2 bad answer 2

And when you see this, the question arises inside, did I do the right thing by leaving my wife? Have we done everything possible to save relationships, survive the crises of family life? Why, over the years of living together, we have not learned to show our love to each other? The fact that there was love between you, says the fact that you have children. But the fact that you did not take place as spouses means that you have not learned to show your love for each other. You are unsure that a new relationship will take place, everything is not easy.

Then it is important to understand what is more important for you - to return or start building new relationships. In any case, respect your first wife, respect those qualities in your sons that they inherited from her. One thing you can do for your friend's daughter is respect her father. Then she will become softer towards you. Provided that your girlfriend shows respect for him.

You have yet to learn to love. But who do you truly love?

This is for you to understand. If possible, contact a psychologist for a face-to-face consultation. It is better if it is a specialist in family systemic therapy.

Good luck to you!

Good answer 1 bad answer 0

So, you firmly decided - I want to leave my wife. We will talk about the reasons a little later, but now we will highlight the most important points. If you remember them, then parting will be the least painful for each of the parties. You may even be able to maintain human relationships.

Be Consistent

The worst thing that can happen in the process of parting is constant throwing. Either the husband leaves, then he returns, begging forgiveness from his wife on his knees, and then again remembers what prompted him to take this step. These throwings slowly but surely burn love out of a woman's heart, harassing her and making her nervous and irritable.

So be consistent. If you decide to leave, then first think carefully about all the circumstances, how you will live, how you will arrange your life and other little things. And only then announce your departure.

Talk to yourself first and make these decisions. If you are sure that it is necessary to leave or it is impossible to stay together, then leave and do not torture yourself or her.

How to build a conversation

Perhaps your wife feels that your behavior has changed, you are moving away from her. Still, suspicion is one thing, and conversation is another. And even in this case, this news will be a shock for her.

Or maybe so, that I did not even think about such a development of events. This is possible for various reasons: she was brought up in such conditions that it is impossible to divorce, but you need to save the marriage with all your might, she is too concentrated on work or domestic problems that she does not notice anything around. In any case, she will have questions, the answers to which you must prepare in advance.

Why?

This is the first question that arises in such a situation. Answer it for yourself first. Situations are different, but in some it turns out that in fact nothing will change, just the woman next to you will change. Whether it is worth leaving in such a situation is up to you. One can hope that it will be better elsewhere, but this hope is weak.

I'm leaving because I have no strength

“I'm leaving because I can't handle it. Our child has been seriously ill for six months now. And it’s not a fact that he will get better, ”Nara’s husband said something like this when he was tired of their wanderings around the hospitals. Their son was born with multiple pathologies internal organs. Initially, the doctors did not give him a chance, they said that he would not be able to breathe on his own. But for half a year now, Misha has been fighting for his life with his mother. He breathes on his own, has already undergone 4 surgeries and has a long way to go. But the husband decided that it was too difficult for him. He and his wife decided that when Misha had a major operation and his prospects for a full life became clearer, the husband would leave.

Now you can start to click your tongue or talk about the moral foundations of Nara's husband (yes, in this story we did not even honor him with a fictitious name), but the fact remains: in most families with a seriously ill child, husbands leave. Because it's easier not to watch all this horror.

She's better than you, she's amazing!

Or you have a mistress who is better than his wife in all respects. If the wife is irritated, disheveled and tired, then the mistress is always affectionate and friendly, neat and friendly. If at home there is a mess that children create at an incredibly fast speed, then a mistress who does not have her own children is always clean and comfortable. And in every way she is better than his wife.

“You are an amazing mother, the best mother in the world. You are a wonderful designer, our house is very beautiful. You are beautiful. But I don’t want to live with you, ”said Andrei to Yulia and left her for Alice. Very quickly, Andrei and Alice got married and had a child. But at some point, Andrei saw that Alice and Yulia had too much in common: there was a mess at home, toys ended up in the most amazing places, and Alice did not always have enough time to take care of herself, as before.

We do not know all the circumstances of Andrei's life with Yulia, but at first glance it seems that he returned to where he fled from. And Yulia's child has grown up and no longer scatters toys, but helps her mother create and maintain comfort at home.

She is pregnant...

A man should marry a woman who is expecting a child from him. It doesn't matter if he's already married. Or the wife is expecting a child. It happens that men leave a pregnant wife for a pregnant mistress. The situation is, of course, extremely slippery and unpleasant. Here every man must answer himself honestly: to whom does he owe more? Legal wife or mistress?

And the most annoying thing is that this situation could have been avoided. But we will not talk about this this time. You probably know everything yourself.

I'm sick of…

Continue the sentence. What exactly are you tired of? Problems at work, and the wife not only does not support, but only demands, demands and demands? Is she constantly dissatisfied with everything, dissatisfied even with the fact that she herself is dissatisfied?

Formulate clearly, point by point. And tell her. If you are sure that if you just talk to her and discuss these points, then she will not change anyway, then it makes sense to leave. But if you have never tried to discuss with her something that does not suit you, then maybe it’s too early to leave? If the feelings are still alive and you value your wife, then give both of you a chance. Talk, discuss. Give you a trial period, for example 1 month. If absolutely nothing changes in a month, then you leave, and if there is at least a small positive trend, then you will continue to work on your relationship.

We are too different

You are an owl, I am a lark, I love fried potatoes, and for you this is the main enemy of a slender figure. I would drink beer with friends in the evening, and you drag me to the theater. And shopping with you is stuck in my liver! We are all too different!

Have you always been different, or are you just now? Surely before that you just tried to fit in with each other, but then such a desire disappeared. The fact that you are different is not a reason for breaking up a relationship, but a consequence of deeper contradictions or accumulated fatigue. When you find the true cause of the problems that have arisen, you can decide whether talking with your spouse will help or there is nothing to talk about. But nevertheless, the reason for the divorce “did not agree on the characters” is quite common.

What didn't suit you?

This is another question that usually arises in a woman at the beginning of a conversation. The answer to it follows from the reasons that prompted you to leave. Think over verbatim what you will say to your wife so that the emotions that will inevitably arise in the conversation do not prevent you from saying everything you wanted.

This question is asked, rather, from a feeling of hopelessness that has arisen and an answer is not always required. This is a rhetorical question that is asked somewhere into infinity, into the universe. Therefore, when it came to him, it's time to stop talking and leave. Then there will be only emotions.

Are you really leaving?

Of course, it is difficult for her to believe that this is happening. And it's even harder to accept. Therefore, when the conversation reaches such questions, there is nothing to talk about. Yes, you are leaving. Yes, right now. And now you're leaving. Take only what you need, take the rest later. Now give her time to think about everything she heard herself, draw conclusions and comprehend what happened. Do not call or write, even if you are worried. Moreover, if you are worried about her, then why are you leaving. Or are you driven not by care, but by guilt? Do not confuse these feelings.

Safety

When you start a conversation, it is difficult to predict in advance how it will go and how it will end. You know your wife and imagine what she is capable of. So consider:

when will you talk? She should be calm and balanced at this moment;
will you talk? A restaurant or any other public place is the most unsuitable place for this. The fewer witnesses, the better and easier;
where do you start? The first phrase is very important, it will let her know that the conversation is going to be serious;
don't start this conversation in the bedroom. Whatever happens to you, the bedroom is a place of rest and enjoyment;
You shouldn't talk in the kitchen either, especially if your wife is impulsive and harsh. There are too many breakable objects;
Are you ready to take a minimum of things with you and leave right now?
It is you who must leave, because you are the initiator of the break. Even if you share this apartment during a divorce, you still need to give her time to comprehend what is happening in silence.

When you start a conversation, keep yourself in control and don't let your emotions get the better of you. Be prepared for the fact that she will not cope with her own. So whatever she says, you:

do not offend;
do not mention her mother or any other relatives in the conversation, they have nothing to do with it;
do not say what you did not intend to say;
do not give in to her emotions, most likely, she wants to hurt you as painfully as possible;
do not forget why you started the conversation, even if she puts pressure on pity;
speak now and only now, it is not worth returning to this conversation in the future. Therefore, either say it now, or forget that you were going to say it;
stand your ground to the end, be consistent;
in no case do not dissolve your hands, you never know what she says on emotions.

Of course, the separation process cannot be called painless, but you can make it less painful.

"Leave or stay - that is the question!" - the modern Hamlet would say. The consumer society has created the problem of choice. And not only products and goods. It was automatically transferred to human relations.

People no longer want to endure and suffer. They want to live here and now, tasting the fruits of joy and bringing to life pictures from Hollywood melodramas.

We were prompted to take up this topic by a complicated correspondence with a reader Dmitry from Yekaterinburg. He asked for our advice. The result was something like remote psychotherapy. Without making a final decision, Dmitry asks for help from readers. You can send your opinions and stories on the same topic to the authors' e-mail [email protected] And [email protected]

Hello!

I will try to explain what I feel, and I will be glad if you help me figure it out. I don't love my wife. I realized this six months after the wedding. But it was somehow stupid to get divorced right away, I thought that I would endure and fall in love. Endured, but not loved. Rather, I treat her well, and from the outside we have an ideal family. But only in moments of utmost honesty with myself do I realize that I am lying and lying to myself and to her. I am a sociable person, flexible and non-confrontational. And you can learn to live next to anyone, which I did. You can consider me henpecked, but in order to avoid unnecessary hassle, it’s better to keep silent once again, do as my wife asks, and everyone is happy. Except me. Three years ago I met an amazing woman who delights me with everything: intelligence, honesty, decency, feminine gentleness, some kind of childlike touchingness, gullibility. Despite all this, she is stunningly beautiful. As in the song: "Such girls are like stars." In general, having 13 years of family life, I fell in love for the first time. She did not suspect this for a long time, but somehow I could not stand it and told her everything. Three years have passed since then. And all this time we communicate. I know for sure that it’s easy for me with her and it’s always pleasant, even when we quarrel. I, an adult man, have a hop in my head when she looks at me and accidentally touches me, I know that I am interested in her, I miss her when I don’t see her for a long time, I get mad when she just talks to other men. We both dream of intimacy. But I respect her too much to condemn her to the unenviable role of a mistress. And I'm afraid to get divorced. I don’t want to be a traitor in the eyes of others, I can’t leave the woman with whom I made joint property, who is the mother of my only 3-year-old daughter. How will parents react? What will colleagues say? I also have a lot of connections with my wife's relatives: I am a friend of her brother. And here is the feeling of guilt, too.

As a result, I crush my love in me. I have repeatedly told my beloved that she needs another man who will become her good husband. She is silent. Only her deep eyes fill with tears. My heart hurts from the fact that I hurt a loved one.

I am not a scoundrel and not a traitor, but I am an unfortunate person.

Dasha ZAVGORODNYA: Be a man - get a divorce!

Dmitry, no matter how deeply you are married, you have to get out of these depths. From this abyss of irresponsibility into which you have thrown yourself. I had a problem similar to yours when I was divorcing an unloving husband. I was afraid that his relatives, friends, himself would judge me. But I pulled myself together and said firmly: “You deserve a better share than me. Another woman will love and care for you more.” And this is what the husband answered: “Love is not love, but you are the only one with whom you can negotiate. I can't find another one like it." Me: “But we argue - will you find it?” And she persuaded him to start a profile on a dating site. As he started - immediately a bunch of girls. He married one, and everything is fine with them now. I am on excellent terms with him and his family. You say: relatives, connections, wife, daughter. Among all the characters you mention, there is no main one - yourself. It seems that you are a diligent little boy who tries to please everyone: the teacher, mom, friends in the yard. And as a result, he gets nothing but cuffs. Because you can't please everyone! Dmitry, we must learn to make adult independent decisions. And take on the responsibility of choosing, otherwise you will remain an unhappy little one who has been cornered.

Tatyana OGNEVA:

Don't want to get divorced? And don't! You will never get divorced, I bet? You respect (and in your own way love) your wife, you adore your daughter. You have an established life. Here we are talking not only about changing one woman for another. You will have to break long-term foundations, habits. I will tell you a story about a man who, after 20 years of apparently happy marriage, suddenly fell in love with a beautiful blonde dream girl. And I thought: leave - do not leave. And then, for his birthday, his friends gave him a present - a whole day of pranks. In the morning, his unexpected companion - a blonde beauty - suddenly took him to the airfield, where she put him in a balloon, and he flew over the city all morning. Then, on the way to work, he always came across smiling long-legged models. Pretty women that day were everywhere he went. He just blossomed, getting to know and flirting with them all. And then it was arranged so that he came to the cafe where he once met his wife. She was sitting in the same place, holding the same magazine in her hands, smiling at him the same way as before. Then he realized that there are a lot of girl stars. And a faithful, devoted, loving wife is one.

However, I cannot decide for you. It may turn out that this girl is your true destiny and the love of your life. The main thing is that one day you still need to put an end to your throwing. And pick one. After all, both women somehow live in the same terrible, difficult uncertainty as you do.

PSYCHOLOGICAL WORKSHOP

There are two serious dangers in a "leave or stay" situation. You should be aware of them before making a final decision.

The first terrible pitfall is called “uncertainty”. You yourself do not know what awaits you, with whom and how you will build a life, so you simply cannot plan anything even for the near future. The throwing of the soul is harmful not only to the psyche, but also to the whole organism as a whole. Imagine, every second your nerves are stretched to the limit for several weeks, or even months. This state of tension is called “yellow” by Chinese philosophers. In it, human resources burn out much faster. Stress deprives sleep, appetite and interferes with work. The main danger is that one day your body will make a choice for you. Either the heart will fail, or psychological impotence will come. In women, by the way, because of the same problem of choice, temporary frigidity and insensitivity of the genital organs may occur.

The worst thing that can be is when a person completely exhausted by his own torments, in order to stop them, finally makes at least some kind of decision. And in a fever, as you know, nothing good can be done.

The second terrible beast is called "fear of responsibility." The paradox is that more than anything else, wanting to decide, you are afraid to make a decision. You are afraid to take responsibility for the destruction of the family, for the creation of a new one. (And what if it doesn’t work out, and everything was in vain?) I really want to share this responsibility with someone. Some go to fortune-tellers, others get friends with the question: “Well, what should I do, what?” It is good if a person turns to a good psychologist, and he will help him understand everything in himself and decide without moral losses. But psychologists are also different.
There is a danger of making a decision under the influence of an outsider. But to disentangle something, if anything, you have to.

WHAT TO DO:

You would be glad to calm down, but it's impossible, right? You need to take a timeout. The advice is banal, but very effective. You just need to decide not to make any decision in the near future. At all. Of course, when they pull from both sides and demand to decide, it's difficult. Therefore, it would be ideal to temporarily get away from both poles of attraction. Stay with a friend, rent a room in another area, take a vacation and go alone to the country. In general, do it in such a way that you can live alone for at least a week or two. And not to think about what to do. On the contrary, get distracted in every possible way: read books, watch action movies, go fishing, etc. But just don’t think. The fact is that if you do not cycle, then your subconscious mind will do all the hard work for you. One day, in the middle of the night, you may jump up like a stung man, crying, “Eureka! I know what I want!
There is another way to make a decision. The unknown creates a lot of fear. Therefore, you need to draw alternative options for yourself: what awaits you with this person, and what with this one. Thoroughly fantasize, and even better describe these alternatives in the style of a school essay. Now you know what will happen if you go “to the right”, and what if you go “to the left”. However, now you can give up on the dacha.
JOKE ON THE TOPIC

The wife found out about her mistress and kicked her out of the house. I do not know what to do.

And you give her a TV ...

In terms of?

I sometimes don't sleep at home for weeks. I return, and she with open arms: “I drank beer again!”