Stages of psychological counseling: general idea, technique and techniques. Nemov R.S.

Bibliographic description:

Nesterova I.A. Stages of psychological counseling [Electronic resource] // Educational encyclopedia website

Psychological counseling is a fairly young area of ​​professional activity for every psychologist. Being an actively developing field of psychology, psychological counseling is being actively studied and improved. The counseling process is complex and consists of several stages.

Stages of counseling

Modern science provides three stages of psychological counseling:

• preparatory,
• tuning,
• diagnostic stages.

At the preparatory stage of psychological counseling the psychologist collects general information about the client based on an entry in the registration log and collects information from third parties, which include psychological consultation staff who accept applications for conversations and consultations with a psychologist. The duration of this stage usually does not exceed 30 minutes.

The next important stage can undoubtedly be called setup stage. At this stage, a personal meeting between the psychologist and the counselee takes place. The psychologist prepares to work together with the client. The client also prepares to work together with a psychologist. This stage takes from five to seven minutes.

Then there is a smooth transition to diagnostic stage. The client shares painful issues or simply talks about problems and everyday life. Listening to the client’s confession, the psychologist analyzes the information and identifies the key problem of the person who came to the consultation. If the problem is not obvious, the psychologist conducts psychodiagnostics. In addition, psychodiagnostics helps in finding the optimal solution to the problem or problems that have arisen. This stage has the following feature: it is not possible to accurately determine the time of the diagnostic stage. It all depends on the client’s character, the depth and seriousness of his problems and the level of desire to overcome these very problems. The minimum time for the diagnostic stage is one hour.

However, it should be remembered that the time for conducting and organizing testing is not included in the duration of the diagnostic stage. Very often this stage reaches six hours.

A stepwise plan helps in adequately constructing the structure of psychological counseling. In the scientific literature it is often also called “stages of counseling.”

However, it is important to remember that no matter how structured and elaborate the views on the stages of psychological counseling, none of the theoretical orientations reflects the full variety of possible situations that may arise in the process of psychological counseling.

In Rollo May’s famous work “The Art of Psychological Counseling,” the counseling process is not so clearly structured, but nevertheless its staged nature is quite clear. R. May writes: “So, contact with the client has been established, rapport has been achieved and the main part of the meeting begins - confession, the stage at which the client has the opportunity to “talk out”... When the client has told everything that hurts him, he has described his current situation and “put all the cards on the table,” the interpretation stage begins.”

May begins the next chapter of the book with the words: “Consider the last phase of counseling - personality transformation, which is the completion and goal of the entire process.” If we now somewhat structure what the author said in these short passages, we will get 4 stages of the consultative process, which are presented below.

A representative of the Australian school of telephone counseling, G. Hambly, who writes that: “The first goal of any counseling is the establishment of a relationship of trust. It can be described as the emergence of rapport or a mutual feeling of closeness... Once established rapport through good listening and clear reflection, the next stage of the counseling process is exploration. Having established a relationship of trust... and giving the caller the opportunity to analyze his feelings and clarify the problem by considering the reality and discussing possible approaches... the next stage of the counseling process is to push him take some appropriate action." The stages of counseling according to G. Hambly are shown schematically in the figure below.

Electric Gilland model

In modern psychological counseling, Gilland's eclectic model has become widespread. It consists of six stages of counseling. Each stage is necessary to obtain a positive result from consultations. The stages within Gilland's eclectic model include the following:

1. Studying the problem involves establishing contact with the client and achieving mutual trust: it is necessary to listen carefully to the client talking about his difficulties, show maximum sincerity, empathy, and care, without resorting to assessments and manipulation.

2. The two-dimensional definition of the problem is that the consultant seeks to accurately characterize the client's problems, to establish both emotional and cognitive aspects of it. An accurate definition of a problem leads to an understanding of its causes and an indication of ways to resolve it. They return to this stage throughout the consultation if difficulties or ambiguities arise in the formulation of the problem.

3. Identification of alternatives - the stage of discussing possible alternatives for solving a problem using open-ended questions. The client names possible options for solving the problem, the consultant helps him put forward additional alternatives that the client can use directly. During the conversation, a written list of alternatives is drawn up.

4. Planning involves a critical assessment of the selected solution alternatives by analyzing the alternatives in terms of previous experience and readiness for change, time interval, and the degree of reduction in the client’s destructive behavior. Means and methods are provided to verify the feasibility of the chosen solution.

5. Activity – consistent implementation of a plan to solve the problem. The consultant helps the client build activities taking into account circumstances, time, emotional costs, as well as understanding the possibility of failure in achieving the goal, focusing on the ultimate goals.

6. Evaluation and feedback – assessment by the consultant and client of the level of goal achievement, the degree of problem resolution. If necessary, the solution plan can be clarified. If new or deeply hidden problems arise, a return to previous stages is possible.

The entire process of psychological counseling from beginning to end can be represented as a sequence of main stages of counseling, each of which is necessary in its own way during counseling, solves a particular problem and has its own specific characteristics. The word "Stage" denotes a separate moment, a stage in the development of something. The ideas of various authors about the stages of psychological counseling have a lot in common, however, there are also some differences associated mainly with the detail, logic, and completeness of the presentation. It should be noted that in real psychological counseling it is rarely possible to fully and consistently fulfill the requirements of any one model. But it is necessary to focus on some model of the sequence of steps, since this increases the degree of reflexivity of the consultant’s attitude towards the advisory process.

So, each stage of psychological counseling is the most important element of the entire outline of client counseling.

In modern science, many scientists have paid special attention to the stages of psychological counseling. Separately, I would like to highlight the stages according to R. May and G. Hambly. Each stage of psychological counseling has a built-in procedure aimed at increasing the effectiveness of each individual stage. That is why every psychologist should pay great attention to the process of preparing for consultations and have a certain style of conducting consultations, which includes certain stages.

Literature

1. Rollo May The Art of Psychological Counseling. How to give and gain mental health - M.: Institute of General Humanitarian Research, April-Press, 2015
2. Hambly G. Telephone assistance. A guide for those who want to help others by phone // [Electronic resource] Access mode:

Stages of psychological counseling

Psychological counseling usually consists of several meetings and separate conversations. In general, psychological consultation as a process is divided into four stages: 1. Acquaintance with the client and starting a conversation. 2. Questioning client, formation and verification of advisory hypotheses. 3. Rendering impact. 4. Completion psychological consultation.

1. Meeting the client and starting a conversation

1a. First contact. You can stand up to meet the client or meet him at the door of the office, demonstrating goodwill and interest in fruitful cooperation. 1b. Encouragement. It is advisable to encourage the client with words like: “Please come in,” “Make yourself comfortable,” etc. 1st century A short pause. After the first minutes of contact with the client, it is recommended to give him a pause of 45 - 60 seconds so that the client can collect his thoughts and look around. 1 year Actually getting acquainted. You can tell the client: “Let’s get to know each other. How should I contact you?” After this, you need to introduce yourself. 1d. Formalities. Before the start of the actual counseling, the consulting psychologist is obliged to provide the client with maximum information about the counseling process, its important features: - the main goals of counseling, - the qualifications of the consultant, - payment for counseling, - the approximate duration of counseling, - the appropriateness of counseling in a given situation, - the risk of temporary deterioration the client’s state during the counseling process, - the boundaries of confidentiality, incl. issues of audio and video recording, presence (monitoring) of the process by third parties. You should speak briefly, without dumping unnecessary information on the client. The result here is the client’s final decision to enter into the counseling process. 1e. "Here and now". It is necessary to come to an agreement with the client and set him up to work in the “here and now” mode. It is important to make it clear to the client that a psychologist-consultant cannot be used as a tool in all sorts of intrigues. 1g. Initial inquiry. An example of a standard phrase: “What brought you to me?”, “So, what questions did you want to discuss with me?” If the client is not a “professional regular” in psychological offices, then, most likely, he will need support from the first words of his own. At the very least, he will be interested in the question: is he speaking correctly? Therefore, if necessary, from the very first minutes of questioning it is necessary to maintain a dialogue.

2. Questioning the client, forming hypotheses

2a. Empathic listening. It is also active listening (repetition of individual words after the client, interpretation). 2b. Acceptance of the client's situation model as temporary. The consultant should not yet enter into disputes with the client, much less expose him or catch him in contradictions. It is possible to break the model of the client’s situation only after this model has been studied in detail. 2c. Structuring the conversation. Rarely does a client know how to logically and consistently describe a problematic situation. Gradually he must be encouraged to more rational presentation and reasoning. The consultant himself needs to be consistent. Each new phrase or question must be logically connected with the previous ones. Periodic summaries are very useful for structuring the conversation. A dialogue with a client is not a book divided into chapters; Therefore, you can make it a habit once every ten minutes (for example), while watching the wall or table clock, to summarize what has been said. If this is appropriate, then you can summarize not only orally, but also in writing, schematically depicting a model of the situation on paper. Structuring the conversation encourages the client to work rationally, to not “grind” the same thing for the tenth time, but to move on; when the client stops moving further in describing the situation, this will be true evidence that he has already said everything essential. 2g. Understanding the client's situation model. The consulting psychologist conducts analytical and critical work and formulates several hypotheses regarding this model. If a client comes to a psychologist for help, this means that his model of the problem situation is either a) incorrect (perverted), or b) incomplete. Each hypothesis should therefore clearly state: a) does the client see the situation in its true light? b) if he doesn’t see, then what is he doing wrong? c) is the situation model complete? d) if not complete, then in what ways can this model be expanded? Of course, the consulting psychologist should keep most of the conclusions here to himself, if only because so far there are only hypotheses. 2d. Criticism of hypotheses. The consultant asks the client questions aimed at clarifying and criticizing hypotheses. Questions here can, of course, be asked at random. But it is still recommended to strive for at least external structure in the conversation, without jumping from one thing to another. The result here should be that in the end there remains only one working hypothesis (the main one). The fact is that the psychologist is forced to do most of the intellectual work in a strict mode, when there is little time. Therefore, you need to work closely only with the main hypothesis. If it is not confirmed, then another hypothesis is accepted as the main one. 2e. Presenting your hypothesis to the client. Since the client is usually already “well confused” in his problem situation, it happens very rarely that he immediately accepts the hypothesis and agrees with it. Therefore, it is important to emphasize that the consultant’s considerations are so far only a hypothesis (assumptions), that the client is not required to agree with it, he is required to take the hypothesis as a working one and try to study the conclusions that it generates. In the process of working with the hypothesis, new details will most likely emerge that clarify the emerging objective model of the situation. It is likely that the hypothesis will turn out to be untenable, there is nothing to worry about; in this case, a different hypothesis is taken as a working one. 2g. Critique of the hypothesis, finding the truth. Various situations, typical and not quite typical, are considered. Before proceeding to the next stage, it is very important to find the truth, that is, an objective, consistent model of the problem situation must be formulated and accepted by both parties.

3. Making an impact

3a. Let the client live with the new knowledge. Further work directly depends on how true the model of the problem situation turns out to be. It is important to understand that if the model fails, then further work with the client (impact) is at risk; and if on the contrary (the model was a success), then the client himself will be interested in living with the new knowledge. Therefore, ideally, after developing a working model, you should release the client until the next meeting. He probably has already received everything he needed and therefore will no longer come to the next meeting. If it is not possible or necessary to interrupt the consultation, then you can simply make a small change. To do this, it is suitable to sit the client in a chair for fifteen minutes, turn on calm music and give him the opportunity to think about the new knowledge. 3b. Correction of client settings. Of course, it is likely that acquiring new knowledge may not be enough for the client to manage the problematic situation. Typical here are the client’s complaints that “I don’t have enough strength,” “I don’t understand how,” etc. The psychologist, together with the client, criticizes the latter’s false attitudes. Generates a list of new installations. Settings should be verbally precise, simple and effective. Much attention should be paid to attitudes aimed at gaining calm and confidence, at correcting the level of tone (calm down or, on the contrary, mobilize) and the level of rationality-emotionality (become more rational or more emotional). Installations can be “accepted” in the form of self-suggestion. Again, it will be useful to give the client the opportunity to live with the new settings. It is possible that some settings will not take root. Then they may need to be changed or modified. 3c. Correction of client behavior. Helping the client formulate possible alternatives to habitual behavior. Analysis and criticism of these alternatives, assessment of their benefits and effectiveness. Choosing the best alternative. Develop a plan for implementing this alternative. It is important to understand that the client may simply forget to use alternative behavior in the future. Therefore, in a literal sense, he must be trained to use the alternative. Various methods are suitable for this, for example, role-playing games (in this case, the psychologist can take on the role of some relative or acquaintance of the client).

4. Completion of psychological consultation

4a. Summing up the conversation. A brief summary of everything that happened. "Repetition is the mother of learning." 4b. Discussion of issues related to the client’s future relationship with the consultant or other specialists. 4c. Parting. The client should be escorted to the door at least, and a few warm words should be said to him.

Literature

Aleshina Yu. E. Family and individual psychological counseling. – M.: Editorial and Publishing Center of the Consortium “Social Health of Russia”, 1993. - 172 p.

Consulting must begin with planning time. The optimal temporary work schedule allows the consultant to perform his professional duties at a high technological level, maintain professional skills and improve his professional qualifications.

Structuring the counseling process begins with planning a meeting with a client. Preparation for it consists of a number of stages:

• 1. Drawing up a preliminary idea about the client and his problem. The information received by the consultant before starting work with the client will help implement the following stages of preparation for the consultation.
• 2. Systematization of knowledge on the existing problem. At this stage, the consultant can review the literature on the issue; consult with colleagues; get acquainted with new research.
• 3. Development of a consultation plan. It should be noted that having a plan can have positive and negative sides. The consultant needs to be able to change the planned plan depending on the situation, otherwise he may miss important points for the client, the main directions of further work.
• 4. Selection of psychodiagnostic tools.

Following this algorithm will allow, especially novice consultants, to feel confident in the process of work.

The counseling process can also be represented in the form of successively changing stages. Scholars have proposed various models of counseling.

Most specialists in practice use a five-stage counseling technique:

Stage I. Establishing and consolidating a trusting relationship with the client (the consultant must maintain a trusting relationship with the client throughout the entire counseling process). The consultant supports the client, creates conditions for psychological safety and instills in the client confidence in himself as a professional.

Stage II. “Confession” of the client to the consultant (subjective emotional verbal presentation by the client of his psychological and socio-psychological problems). The consultant has a general idea of ​​the internal and external causes of the client’s psychosocial problems, and the first working hypotheses appear - a presumptive judgment about the natural (causal) connection of phenomena. Thanks to advisory hypotheses, the consultant can formulate the range of psychosocial problems with which the client came to him. The specialist begins to formulate a preliminary professional advisory opinion.

Stage III. Analysis (comprehension, reflection) of the client’s socio-psychological problems; testing the general working advisory hypothesis.

Stage IV. Comprehensive professional study by the consultant of the client’s significant problems, the consultant’s search, together with the client, for optimal solutions to the client’s problems and finding resources (in order to resolve the client’s socio-psychological difficulties and get out of his difficult life situation).

V stage. Recommendations to the client and completion of the advisory process, a brief summary by the consultant of what happened during the entire consultation process, repeated “speaking” (for the client) of the options for solving the problem chosen together with the client.

The final part of the counseling process also discusses, if necessary, subsequent communication (professional interaction) between the consultant and the client.

In social work, a consultant helps a client solve a specific problem. In this regard, it is convenient to consider the stages of consultation using J. Egan’s model. This model views counseling as “problem management,” which means managing rather than solving, since not all problems can be definitively resolved. The central stages of the model are:

• 1) defining the problem (helping the client tell his story; focusing; activation);
• 2) formation of goals (development of a new scenario and set of goals; assessment of goals; selection of goals for specific actions);
• 3) implementation of actions (development of action strategies; implementation of strategies).

The first stage, where trust is established, is aimed at creating a picture of the “current scenario”, i.e. problematic situation. At the second stage, the consultant, together with the client, creates a “new scenario” with the help of which the situation can be improved. At the third stage, strategies for achieving goals and actions necessary to move from the “current scenario” to the “desirable” are developed.

There are cultural and individual issues that arise at different stages (phases of counseling) that the counselor needs to consider. Some of them are given in the appendix. 3.

You cannot follow strict standards in conducting a counseling conversation, but it is necessary to structure the counseling process. The novice counselor especially should learn to plan the consultation and the counseling process according to the stages of counseling.

4.5. Counseling Techniques

The basic basis of any type of counseling is communication techniques. As you know, communication occurs at both verbal and non-verbal levels.

Consultant's knowledge non-verbal language and skills to reflect on one’s own nonverbal behavior helps to create trusting relationships and a deeper understanding of the client. One of the main functions of nonverbal communication is to show emotions through external behavior. Body signals communicate a person's emotional state more effectively than words, being more persuasive due to their natural spontaneity and resistance to falsification (deception). As a rule, speech is accompanied by non-verbal vocal (intonation, pauses, vocalizations, etc.) and kinesthetic elements (postures, gestures, facial expressions, gaze).

When what a person expresses with language (verbal channel communication) does not correspond to what he expresses with the help of his body (non-verbal channel of communication), his interaction partner pays more attention to non-verbal “messages”. This is because body language can be directly observed, is on the surface, and is more difficult to hide.

Body movements say a lot about a person, sometimes even what he cannot express in words. The ability of a consultant to verbalize the client's experiences through knowledge of nonverbal language is an important counseling tool. Given that communication is a two-way process, the counselor must be aware that his nonverbal behavior is also “read” by the client. When the consultant is calm and in control of the situation, he conveys to the client a feeling of well-being; accordingly, the stress or awkwardness experienced by the consultant does not go unnoticed. With the help of body language, the consultant involuntarily communicates his attitude towards the client.

Verbal activity always occurs in parallel with certain body movements: posture, gestures, facial expressions, gaze.

Pose is a body position that a person takes consciously or unconsciously. It can have a diagnostic meaning, informing the consultant about the emotional state and personal characteristics of a person. In addition, posture has enormous pragmatic significance and can influence the behavior of other people. There are open and closed poses, dominance pose and submission pose.

Gestures - this is a silent action that does not interrupt speech or interfere with it. With the help of a gesture as a single movement, a person can:

• o convey an amount of information that he could not convey with one word, but only with the help of a sufficiently large number of words;
• o express feedback to the sender of the message without interrupting him or claiming the right to speak;
• o clarify the potential ambiguity of the statement by explaining what exactly is being said;
• o express elements of an experience or experience that are difficult to adequately convey in words.

Existing classifications distinguish between symbolic, illustrative, expressive, regulating, adaptation, or self-control gestures.

By using symbolic gestures shaking hands in greeting or pointing to an object or direction.

Movements of the body, especially the hands, with the help of which a person explains, complements what he expresses in words, places emphasis, emphasizes the main thing or strengthens a verbal statement, are classified as illustrative gestures.

Expressive Gestures are indicators of emotional state. For example:

• - the experience of sadness and boredom is expressed in slow and “heavy” gestures, often with the person’s shoulders bent and arms folded on the chest;
• - joy, as a rule, manifests itself in animated gestures;
• - a person who covers his face with his hands often experiences shame and embarrassment.

Examples regulatory gestures can be:

• - raising hands as a sign for the interlocutor to interrupt his speech;
• - nodding the head, stimulating the interlocutor to continue his speech.

Gestures of adaptation or self-control help a person cope with anxiety, tension, and control the body in interaction situations.

Simple, sometimes almost imperceptible gestures can convey a lot. Examples of positive counselor body language include:

• o slight tilt of the body towards the client;
• o relaxed but attentive posture;
• o position of the legs that is not noticeable;
• o unobtrusive and smooth gestures;
• o minimizing other movements;
• o the consultant's facial expression corresponds to his or the client's feelings.

Plays a big role in understanding the client facial expressions Based on facial movements and gaze, the consultant can conduct a much more in-depth analysis of the client’s story than focusing only on the content of his story. Through facial expressions, a person unconsciously demonstrates what he is experiencing, making it obvious to others.

Direction glance, Eye movements convey a huge amount of information. To characterize the look, use adjectives: kind, cheerful, angry, open, distrustful, sad. We can say that this is a description of a person’s emotional state at a given moment in time. By characterizing the view, the consultant promotes the client's awareness of his condition and the opportunity to discuss it. The duration of visual contact indicates the readiness to continue the conversation. Sustained eye contact not only shows interest, but also encourages the client to continue speaking and helps the consultant listen more attentively. At the same time, staring can put the speaker in an awkward position, and sometimes cause aggression; it can be perceived as hostility, especially in tense situations. For most clients, it is natural to maintain more eye contact when they are speaking and less eye contact when the consultant is speaking. The ideal is a mutual desire for contact that is natural and pleasant for both parties, which should correspond to the situation and the issue under discussion.

Particular attention should be paid to the meaning smiles. A sincere smile is different from a tense, forced smile, which is sometimes called a desirable smile. Unlike a spontaneous smile, a desired smile is asymmetrical. It does not reflect the emotions experienced, it is static and remains on the face for a very long time, or it appears and disappears very quickly, using only the muscles of the mouth. The eye muscles remain motionless, which does not happen with a spontaneous smile. When talking about a smile, adjectives are often used: benevolent, kind, sad, modest, reserved. However, there are also such characteristics of a smile as: evil, malicious, ironic, repulsive. But the most important thing is the appropriateness of the smile. If the client talks about sad events, and the consultant continues to smile benignly, this breaks mutual understanding and the contact is interrupted.

The consultant must be able to analyze the client’s non-verbal behavior, but it is equally important to know his own characteristics and control his body. As a rule, a person cannot, without special training, be aware of how free he is at the moment or not. An external indicator, a criterion for freedom from tension, is the plasticity of movements. A measure of muscle freedom can be the feeling of whether it is pleasant to look at a person’s posture and movements. If it feels good, the body is free; if something is confusing, there is no muscle freedom. Learning to see yourself “from the outside,” and to have an idea of ​​the degree of freedom of your own body, is an important task when mastering the profession of a consultant.

The ability to behave appropriately to the situation, to look natural, free, and master the non-verbal components of communication, contributes to the formation of the desired image of oneself when interacting with a client. In addition, the ability to “read” nonverbal language helps one become competent in understanding the client's mental state and behavioral intentions.

Technology deserves special attention silence, or pauses. For a novice consultant, this technique is very difficult. In social communication, a partner’s silence means either being ignored or offended. This always causes tension and a desire to interrupt the painful feeling that arises during prolonged silence. In the counseling process, silence is the most important technique of psychological assistance, which can be a sign of resistance, introspection, expression of despair and hopelessness, the eve of insight. Understanding that pauses are necessary when working with a client, it is necessary to master the most common techniques for responding to situations of silence: nodding, repeating the last words (your own or the client’s); paraphrasing the last statement (one's own or the client's). If the client continues to remain silent, you can help him express his condition. The following phrases are suitable for this: “It’s difficult for you to speak now”; "You may not know how to react to this" or "perhaps this upset you" . If the silence continues and is persistent, the consultant should respect the client’s behavior and try to end the consultation with an interpretation - the assumption that, obviously, such behavior is now most acceptable for the client.

The main tool of a consultant’s work is listening, which differs significantly from the way we listen to a communication partner in everyday life. Listening techniques can be divided into groups: unreflective listening; reflective listening; active listening (questioning); empathic listening.

Non-reflective listening is defined as a simple way to maintain interest and attention during oral communication. It is especially useful to use non-reflective listening techniques at the beginning of a conversation and when the client is expressing deep feelings such as anger or grief. The tasks of such listening are: to understand the text; encourage continued conversation; remember what was said; manage your own attention. The consultant uses:

• o minimal encouraging remarks, which include interjections or neutral, essentially insignificant phrases: " Yes!","I understand you. .", "Please continue, I'm listening to you...";
• o comments on the client’s non-verbal messages (opening remarks), which contribute to the development of the conversation, especially at the very beginning, and also relieve tension. For example: “You look like a happy person”; "You look very tired."

There are some pitfalls to note when using unreflective listening:

• 1) an attempt to fake attention. The consultant smiles and nods his head in agreement all the time, constantly says: “Uh-huh,” but does not fully engage in what the narrator is saying;
• 2) remarks of disagreement, coercion: “why is this?”; "why not?"; “well, it can’t be that bad”; "Give me at least one reason why you are so upset!"

Reflective listening is aimed at understanding the rational component of the message, in order of increasing strength: pause, silence; encouragement, support; misunderstanding; reflection (echo); paraphrase (rewording); summarizing; clarification.

The objectives of reflective listening are: checking the consultant’s correct understanding of the client’s words and statements; supporting the client's story; showing interest in the client. At the same time, the consultant should not control the topic of conversation.

Reflective listening techniques:

• o Misunderstanding - a technique using which the consultant tries to better understand the client. It should only be used if the consultant really does not understand what the client means. In this case, the manifestation of irritation or displeasure is excluded. Examples of such statements: “I don’t understand what you mean.” “I really don’t understand yet what happened to you. But I would like to understand you. Maybe you can tell me more in detail?..”.
• o Reflection (echo) - repeating words or phrases of the interlocutor verbatim or with minor changes. Not just any phrases are reflected, but statements that are meaningful to the client and accompanied by expressed emotions. It is recommended to use this technique where the meaning of the interlocutor’s statements is not entirely clear; where the client’s statements carry an emotional load, as well as when reflecting the last words of the client’s phrase during long pauses as an invitation to continue the story. You should not use it too often, so that your partner does not get the impression that he is being imitated.
• o Paraphrase (paraphrase) - formulating the client’s statement as the consultant understood it. The purpose of this technique is to check the accuracy of one's own understanding of the message. It should be used precisely when the client’s speech seems understandable to us.

The execution of this technique can be started with the following words: “as I understand you, you think that...”; “As I understand it, you are saying that...”; “in your opinion...”; "You can correct me if I'm wrong, but..."; “in other words, you think...”; "Do I understand correctly?".

o Summarizing - summing up a significant part of the story or the entire conversation as a whole. The basic rule of formulation is simplicity and clarity.

The introductory phrases of the summarizing technique can be: “the result of what you said...”; “From your story I made the following conclusions...”.

Summarizing can be effective in cases where the client “goes in circles” and returns to what has already been said. This behavior by the client is often due to the fact that he fears that he was not understood or misunderstood.

• o Clarification - applies:
• - when contacting the client for clarification: "Aren't you repeaters again?"; "What do you have in mind?";
• - to clarify the situation; “Could you please explain in more detail?”; "maybe you can add something?.."; “Could you develop your idea?..”; “what happened then?.. “You said that... Could you tell us more about this?”;
• - to eliminate logical contradictions in the material: “I’m not sure that I understood you correctly. You said that..., and now you say that... Isn’t there a contradiction here?”;
• - in order to change the topic of conversation: “It seems to me that you want to talk about something else...”; "Do you want to talk to me about... ?"; "Please explain the next point to me..."

Active listening allows the consultant to take an active position and ask the client questions. It should be noted the peculiarities of using different types of questions. So, closed questions used to build mutual understanding. At the same time, it is better not to overuse closed questions, as this can cause the client a feeling of pressure, testing, or examination. It must be remembered that by using closed-type questions, the consultant is in directive positions and practically controls the topic of conversation. When using open-ended questions, the client provides a lot of information that the counselor can organize later. In this case, the consultant does not take a directive position and remains “led” in relation to the content of the conversation. He follows the client, remaining one step behind him. Expanding Question allows you to get more detailed information about the problem. Examples of such questions could be: “Would you like to tell us more about this?”; "...and what happened then?"

By using clarifying questions the consultant understands as clearly as possible, without “thinking around”, what the client is talking about; questions misstatements, limits unfounded exaggerations, and retrieves material ignored by the client; the client is more accurately aware of what is happening to him and can formulate his thoughts more correctly.

Here are examples of such questions: Client: I'm afraid.

Consultant: What or who are you afraid of?

Client: Nobody loves me. Consultant: Who exactly doesn't love you?

Client: My family drives me crazy. Consultant: What exactly do they do when you lose your temper?

The consultant can structure the conversation using questions to help explore the problem:

• o data (what are the facts related to this situation; are they really facts or guesses?);
• o feelings (how does the client feel in relation to this situation as a whole; what do others feel?);
• o desires (what the client really wants; does he really want it or is trying to please someone; what are the desires of other participants in the situation; does he know this for sure or guess; what exactly will the fulfilled desire be expressed in?);
• o meanings (why does he need this?);
• o actions (does the client do something to improve the situation; if so, what exactly?);
• o obstacles (what prevents him from acting effectively?);
• o facilities (how can the client achieve what he wants?). Empathic listening aims to understand feelings

or desires experienced by the client, empathy for him. It should be noted that it may be difficult for the client to express his feelings in words. This is due to the fact that even if there is awareness of desires and feelings, the active vocabulary lacks the necessary words. In addition, it is unusual to talk about feelings, since this is not accepted in social communication, and sometimes excessive openness can be dangerous. Some feelings are frowned upon in society. For example, it is believed that if a person is angry, envious, crying, or experiencing anger, it is indecent to show it in public. There are also “parental” prohibitions and instructions: “boys don’t cry,” “girls should be restrained,” etc., which leaves an imprint on the client’s behavior during the consultation. At the same time, it is necessary to express true feelings in order to be correctly understood. Emotions that do not find a way out have a destructive effect on behavior and the body. Expressing emotions is an important way to regain lost peace of mind.

Therefore, the tasks of empathic listening are to help the client express feelings and desires, demonstrate the consultant's understanding of them, and verify the correctness of this understanding. For this, two groups of techniques are used:

• 1) emotional connection to the partner’s state;
• 2) verbalization of his feelings. Emotional connection includes:
  • o careful observation of non-verbal state;
  • o repetition of the client’s non-verbal behavior - mirroring the emotional state.

Verbalization of feelings is:

• - in naming the client’s feelings in words;
• - focusing the client’s attention on the words he uses that reflect feelings, for example: sadness, anger, joy, etc.;
• - joining the client’s nonverbal manifestations, striving to understand how he feels.

The consultant needs to analyze how congruent the client’s message is with his nonverbal behavior and emotional state, and if the messages do not correspond to the emotional state, draw the client’s attention to this.

Introductory phrases in empathic listening can be the following: “you probably feel...”; “it seemed to me that you...”; "it looks like you..."; “it seems to me that you...”; “I felt that...”; “in your words I felt...”; “If I understand correctly, you feel...”.

Thus, listening techniques help the consultant gain a deeper understanding of the client's problem. However, it is equally important that these techniques help the client to better understand his feelings, thoughts and desires.

Psychological counseling is a relatively new professional area of ​​psychological practice, which is a type of psychological assistance. This direction comes from psychotherapy and is aimed at a clinically healthy individual who cannot overcome everyday difficulties on his own. In other words, the key task of this technique is to help individuals find a way out of existing problematic circumstances that they are unable to overcome without outside help, to recognize and change ineffective behavioral patterns for making fateful decisions, to resolve current life difficulties, and to achieve their goals. . According to the target area, the tasks of psychological counseling are divided into corrective influence and tasks aimed at achieving personal growth, self-development and life success by the client.

Basics of psychological counseling

Counseling is a set of activities aimed at helping a subject resolve everyday problems and make life-changing decisions, for example, regarding family and marriage, professional growth, and the effectiveness of interpersonal interaction.

The purpose of this method of psychological support is to help individuals comprehend what is happening on their life path and achieve their intended goals, based on conscious choices in resolving emotional problems and interpersonal difficulties.

All definitions of psychological counseling are similar to each other and include several important positions.

Psychological counseling helps:

— conscious choice of the individual to act according to his own discretion;

— learning new behavior;

— personality development.

The core of this method is the “consultative interaction” that occurs between the specialist and the subject. The emphasis is on the responsibility of the individual, in other words, counseling recognizes that an independent and responsible person is capable of making and making decisions in certain conditions, and the task of the consultant is to create conditions that encourage the volitional behavior of the individual.

The goals of psychological counseling are borrowed from various psychotherapeutic concepts. For example, followers of the psychoanalytic direction see the task of counseling as transforming information repressed into the unconscious into conscious images, helping the client to recreate early experiences and analyze repressed conflicts, and restore the basic personality.

It is not easy to predetermine the goals of psychological counseling, since the goal depends on the client’s needs and the theoretical orientation of the consultant himself. Below are several universal counseling tasks that are mentioned by theoreticians and practitioners of various schools:

- promote the transformation of behavioral reactions for a more productive life of the client, increasing the level of satisfaction with life, even in the presence of some inevitable social restrictions;

— develop the ability to overcome difficulties during encounters with new everyday circumstances and conditions;

— ensure effective adoption of important decisions;

- develop the ability to make contacts and maintain interpersonal relationships;

- facilitate the growth of personal potential and.

Psychological counseling approaches are characterized by a general system model that combines six mutually deriving stages.

The first stage involves exploring problems. The psychologist establishes contact (report) with the individual and achieves mutually directed trust: the psychologist listens carefully to the client who talks about his everyday difficulties, expresses maximum empathy, utmost sincerity, care, and does not resort to evaluation and manipulative techniques. The consultant must choose encouraging tactics that promote the client’s in-depth consideration of his problems, and note his feelings, the content of his remarks, and non-verbal behavioral reactions.

At the next stage, a two-dimensional definition of the problem situation occurs. The consultant is focused on accurately characterizing the client's problem, emphasizing both emotional and cognitive aspects. At this stage, problematic issues are clarified until the client and psychologist see and understand them in the same way. Problems are formulated in specific concepts that allow us to understand their causes, and in addition, often indicate possible ways to resolve them. If ambiguities and difficulties arise in identifying problems, then you should return to the previous stage.

The third stage is the identification of alternatives. It identifies and discusses potential solutions to problems. The consultant, using open-ended questions, encourages the subject to list all possible alternatives that he finds suitable and realistic, helps to find additional options, and does not impose his own solutions. During the conversation, it is recommended to make a written list of alternatives to facilitate their comparison and comparison. It is necessary to find options for solving a problematic issue that the subject could apply directly.

The fourth stage is planning. It carries out a critical assessment of the selected alternatives. The consultant helps the subject understand which options presented are suitable and realistic in accordance with previous experience and current readiness for change. Drawing up a strategy for a realistic solution to difficult situations is also aimed at gaining the client’s understanding that not all difficulties are solvable: some of them require the expenditure of temporary resources, others can be partially resolved by reducing their destructive and disorganizing impact. At this stage, it is recommended, in terms of problem solving, to provide by what methods and means the subject will be able to check the feasibility of the solution preferred by him.

The fifth stage is the activity itself, that is, there is a consistent implementation of the intended strategy for solving problems. The psychologist helps the client organize activities, taking into account the circumstances, emotional and time costs, as well as the possibility of failure in achieving goals. must realize that partial failure does not yet become a complete failure, therefore one should continue to implement a strategy for resolving difficulties, directing all actions towards the final goal.

The last step is to evaluate and provide feedback. At this stage, the subject, together with the psychologist, evaluates the degree of achievement of the goal (that is, the level of problem resolution) and sums up the results achieved. If necessary, it is possible to detail and clarify the solution strategy. If new problems appear or deeply hidden problems are discovered, you should return to the previous stages.

The described model reflects the content of the consultative process and helps to better understand how specific consultation occurs. In practice, the consultation process is much more extensive and is often not always guided by this algorithm. In addition, the identification of stages or phases is conditional, since in practice some stages are connected to others, and their interdependence is much more complex than presented in the described model.

Types of psychological counseling

Due to the fact that psychological assistance is needed by people belonging to different age categories, free and in relationships characterized by a variety of problems, psychological counseling is divided depending on the problem situations of clients and their individual characteristics into types, namely individual psychological, group, family, psychological-pedagogical, professional (business) and multicultural counseling.

First of all, there is individual psychological counseling (intimate-personal). Individuals turn to this type of counseling on issues that deeply affect them as an individual, provoking strong experiences in them, often carefully hidden from the surrounding society. Such problems, for example, include psychological disorders or behavioral deficiencies that the subject wishes to eliminate, difficulties in personal relationships with loved ones or other significant persons, all kinds of failures, diseases of a psychogenic nature that require medical help, deep dissatisfaction with oneself, problems in intimate sphere.

Individual psychological counseling simultaneously requires a consultant-client relationship that is closed from outsiders and a trusting, open relationship for interaction between them. This type of counseling must be carried out in a special setting, since it often resembles confession. Also, it cannot be episodic or short-term in nature, due to the content of the problems it is aimed at solving. In the first turn, individual counseling involves a large psychological preliminary attunement of the psychologist and the client himself to the process, then a long and often difficult conversation between the consultant and the subject, after which there begins a long period of searching for a way out of the difficulties described by the client and directly solving the problem. The last stage is the longest, since most problematic issues of an intimate and personal nature are not immediately resolved.

A variation of this type of counseling is age-related psychological counseling, which includes issues of mental development, educational features, and principles of teaching children of various age subgroups. The subject of such counseling is the dynamics of the development of the child and adolescent psyche at a certain age stage of formation, as well as the content of mental development, which is a significant difference from other types of counseling. Age-related psychological counseling solves the problem of systematic monitoring of the development of children’s mental functions for optimization and timely correction.

Group counseling is aimed at self-development and growth of the participants in the process, liberation from everything that gets in the way of self-improvement. The advantages of this type of psychological assistance over individual counseling include:

— team members can study their own style of relationships with the environment and acquire more effective social skills, in addition, they have the opportunity to conduct experiments with alternative forms of behavioral response;

- clients can discuss their own perceptions of others and receive information about the perception of them by the group and individual participants;

- the team reflects, in some way, the environment familiar to its participants;

Typically, groups offer participants insight, encouragement, and assistance, which increases the participants’ determination to explore and resolve problematic situations.

Family counseling involves providing assistance in matters related to the client’s family and relationships in it, relating to interaction with other close associates. For example, if an individual is concerned about the upcoming choice of a life partner, the optimal building of relationships in a future or current family, the regulation of interactions in family relationships, the prevention and correct way out of intra-family conflicts, the relationship of spouses with each other and with relatives, behavior during divorce, solving various current intra-family problems , then he needs family psychological counseling.

The described type of psychological assistance requires consultants to know the essence of family problems, ways to get out of difficult situations and methods for resolving them.

Psychological and pedagogical counseling is in demand when it is necessary to cope with difficulties related to teaching or raising children, when it is necessary to improve the pedagogical qualifications of adults or to teach how to manage various groups. In addition, the described type of counseling is related to the issues of psychological substantiation of pedagogical and educational innovations, optimization of means, methods and training programs.

Business (professional) consulting, in turn, is characterized by as many varieties as there are professions and types of activities. This type of assistance examines issues that arise in the process of subjects engaging in professional activities. This includes issues of professional guidance, improving and developing an individual’s skills, organizing work, increasing efficiency, etc.

Multicultural counseling is aimed at interacting with individuals who perceive the social environment differently, but at the same time try to cooperate.

The effectiveness of advisory assistance to clients who differ in culturally mediated characteristics (sexual orientation, gender, age, professional experience, etc.), and in addition, the ability to understand these clients and their requirements is interconnected with the cultural characteristics of the psychologist and the manner accepted in a particular social culture organizing psychological counseling practices.

Carrying out advisory work requires a number of personal qualities and specific characteristics from a consulting psychologist. For example, an individual practicing this technique must certainly have a higher psychological education, love people, be sociable, insightful, patient, good and responsible.

Psychological counseling for children

The tasks of psychological support for children and adults are similar, but the approaches to psychological counseling and the specialist’s working methods need to be modified due to children’s lack of independence and immaturity.

Psychological counseling of children and adolescents is characterized by certain specifics and is a disproportionately more complex process than counseling of adults.

There are three key features of psychological counseling for children:

— children almost never, on their own initiative, turn to psychologists for professional help; often, they are brought by parents or teachers who have noticed some developmental deviations;

— the psychocorrectional effect should occur very quickly, since in children one problem provokes the emergence of new ones, which will significantly affect the development of the child’s psyche as a whole;

- a psychologist cannot assign responsibility to a child for finding answers and solutions to existing problems, since in childhood mental activity and self-awareness are not yet sufficiently formed, in addition, in a child’s life, all significant changes almost completely depend on their close environment.

Most of the obvious differences between a child and an adult subject lie in the level of communication used by them. The child’s dependence on his parents forces the consulting psychologist to consider their life difficulties in conjunction with each other.

The problems of psychological counseling for children lie in insufficient mutual understanding. The baby is limited in his own communication resources, because, firstly, he has an underdeveloped ability to separate and integrate the external environment with mental experiences, and secondly, his verbal abilities are also imperfect, due to insufficient communication experience. Hence, in order to achieve effective communication, the consultant has to rely on behavioral methods, to a greater extent than on verbal ones. Due to the peculiarities of children's mental activity, the game process in therapy has become widespread as both one of the key methods of establishing contact and an effective therapeutic technique.

Due to the child’s lack of independence, an adult is always included in child psychological counseling. The significance of the role of an adult depends on the age category of the child and the sense of responsibility for him. Usually a child comes to psychological counseling with his mother. Its task is to provide the psychologist-consultant with preliminary data about the baby and assist in planning correctional work. Communication with the mother provides the specialist with the opportunity to assess her place in the children's problems, her own emotional disorders and gain insight into family relationships. The lack of help from the child’s close circle, in particular, parents, seriously complicates the process of achieving positive transformations in the child.

Parental relationships and their behavior are of decisive importance in child development. Therefore, often, family psychological counseling or psychotherapy of parents can play a leading role in modifying the environment in which their child grows, is formed and is brought up.

Due to the lack of resistance of children to the influences of external conditions, environmental stress and the inability to control the situations in which they find themselves, a specialist, providing assistance to them, places great responsibility on his own shoulders.

When working with an emotionally unstable child, first of all, you need to change the home environment: the more comfortable he is, the more effective the process will be.

As a child begins to become successful in areas in which he previously failed, his attitude towards the external environment will gradually change. Because he will begin to realize that the world around him is absolutely not hostile. The consultant's task is to act in the interests of the small individual. Often, the solution to some problems may be to place the child in a camp for the holidays or change schools. In this case, the psychologist should facilitate the transfer of the baby to a new school.

The immaturity of children often does not allow the formation of a clear correction strategy. Because kids do not know how to separate the imaginary from the real. Therefore, it is very difficult for them to separate real events from situations that exist solely in their imagination. Hence, all correctional work must be built on the basis of a mixture of what is imagined and what really exists, which does not contribute to the achievement of quick, sustainable results.

Psychological counseling of children and adolescents has a number of rules and is characterized by specific techniques.

Firstly, an important condition for establishing contact with children (adolescents) and further maintaining it is confidentiality. The counselor should remember that all information obtained during the counseling process should be used solely for the benefit of the children.

The next no less serious condition for effective counseling of adolescents and children is mutually directed trust. According to Rogers' existential concept (humanistic approach), there are several conditions for the relationship between a specialist consultant and a client that contribute to the personal growth of an individual: the ability to empathize on the part of the consultant (empathic understanding), authenticity, and irrespective acceptance of the personality of another. The ability to listen to a partner is very important for a practical psychologist. Indeed, often the most effective therapy is to provide the individual with the opportunity to speak out without fear of negative evaluation from a partner or condemnation. Empathic understanding means the ability to sensitively perceive emotional experiences, the inner world of a communication partner, correctly understand the meaning of what is heard, grasp the internal state, and capture the true feelings of the client.

Authenticity presupposes the ability to be oneself, an honest attitude towards oneself, the ability to openly show emotions, sincerely express feelings, intentions and thoughts.

Irrespective acceptance of personality presupposes acceptance of the subject as he is, that is, without excessive praise or condemnation, a willingness to listen, to accept the interlocutor’s right to his own judgment, even if it does not coincide with the generally accepted opinion or the opinion of the consultant.

The peculiarities of psychological counseling for children also lie in the lack of any motivation in children to interact with a consultant. Often they do not understand why they are being examined, since they are not worried about their own disorders. Therefore, psychologists often need all their ingenuity to establish contact with a small individual. This, first of all, concerns shy, insecure children, children with behavioral disorders, and those who have had negative experiences interacting with adults. Children and adolescents with the described traits and problems, when attending a consultation with a specialist, experience emotional overstrain, which is expressed in high affectivity and increased attitude towards the specialist. The problems of psychological counseling of adolescents and children also lie in the difficulty of establishing contact with them. A significant obstacle to this is usually mistrust on the part of children, secrecy and shyness.

The process of counseling small individuals can be divided into several stages:

— establishing mutual understanding;

— collecting the necessary information;

— clear definition of the problem aspect;

— summarizing the results of the consultation process.

Methods of psychological counseling

Basic counseling methods include: observation, conversation, interview, empathic and active listening. In addition to basic methods, psychologists also use special methods that arose as a result of the influence of individual psychological schools, based on a specific methodology and a specific theory of personality.

Observation is the purposeful, deliberate, systematic perception of mental phenomena, aimed at studying their changes due to the influence of certain conditions and finding the meaning of such phenomena if it is not known. A psychological consultant must have the ability to observe the client’s verbal behavior and nonverbal manifestations. The basis for understanding nonverbal behavioral responses is knowledge of the various types of nonverbal speech.

A professional conversation consists of a variety of techniques and techniques used to achieve the appropriate result. Techniques for conducting dialogue, stimulating statements, approving the client’s judgments, brevity and clarity of the consultant’s speech, etc. play a huge role.

The functions and objectives of a conversation in counseling are to collect information about the state of the subject’s psyche and establish contact with him. In addition, conversation often has a psychotherapeutic effect and helps reduce the client’s anxiety. A consultative conversation is a means of addressing problems that concern the client; it serves as a background and accompanies all psychotechniques. The conversation can be clearly structured and take place according to a pre-planned strategy or program. In this case, the conversation will be considered an interview method, which can be:

- standardized, that is, characterized by clear tactics and a sustainable strategy;

- partially standardized, based on flexible tactics and sustainable strategy;

- freely controlled diagnostic, based on a stable strategy and absolutely free tactics, depending on the specifics of the client.

Empathic listening is a type of listening whose essence lies in accurately reproducing the feelings of the interlocutor. This type of listening involves avoiding evaluation, condemnation, and avoiding interpretation of the hidden motives of the interlocutor’s behavior. At the same time, it is necessary to demonstrate an accurate reflection of the client’s experiences and emotions, understand them and accept them.

Contact a psychologist before it's too late.

Good afternoon My name is Evgenia. Now I live in Chelyabinsk, I’m 20 years old, I’m from another city, very far from here. I moved to Chelyabinsk to live with a guy, we’ve been living together for a year and a half, we met on the Internet when I was 16, from that moment we started dating, he came to see me several times a year until I turned 18, then I came to see him and I moved immediately after finishing school. The guy is 28 years old, I love him very much. He works and earns enough, but I’m still studying at university and he provides for me. Don’t think that I live in luxury, I only eat at his expense, he has very little clothing and rarely buys me anything (about once every six months, about one item for 1000). At the beginning of the relationship and when we just started living together, he treated me very well, loved me very much, helped me in everything, always felt sorry for me, wanted me to be happy and was upset when I felt bad or offended, gave flowers, looked after me, always wanted me, did not spare anything for me. But unfortunately, I was still a fool back then and he almost did something wrong (he accidentally remembered his exes, there was also a case when his ex gave him a gift and he didn’t want to throw it away, or we just quarreled and I couldn’t calm down ), I immediately threw him hysterics, called him names, I was jealous of him and could not do anything. There were such hysterics that I was shocked by myself. It wasn't that often, about once every two to three months or even less, but for him it was a lot. I understand that I was wrong, that it was impossible to behave like that with a loved one and I needed to forgive him for this, and not curse him at all costs. But I, too, did not arrange them out of nowhere, is it really impossible, when meeting me, not to remember any of the exes. For several years we often wanted to break up, but then changed our minds. I’ve been behaving normally with him for a year now, I don’t shout, I don’t call him names. For the last six months, things have been like this: I cook for him, wash the floors, dishes, etc., iron shirts, generally do everything around the house, constantly approach him with tenderness, to which he simply ignores me. We haven't had sex for a long time. He doesn’t want to kiss or hug me, I ask directly, he says “why?” He doesn’t care about me at all, he comes home from work and lies with the phone in front of his nose all evening, then eats, watches some movie (and doesn’t even invite me to watch it with him) and goes to bed. If I forget to put something back in its place or forget to wash a frying pan, complaints and reproaches immediately begin. He doesn’t praise me for anything, for example, for cleaning up or cooking something delicious. He hasn’t complimented me for a hundred years, doesn’t give me flowers, doesn’t hug me or kiss me. I have never cheated on him and even now I don’t want to. Now he started yelling at me for nothing and telling me to “go home.” For example, he is late at work, I am very sick, the temperature is below 40, he promised to bring me medicine, I call him and tell him to come quickly. An hour later I call again and in a dissatisfied voice I say: “How long is it possible? When you arrive, I need to take antibiotics quickly, can’t it be faster?” I didn’t yell at him, didn’t call him names, he arrived another hour later and, as always, started yelling that I had made him hesitate, that it was unbearable to live with me, that if I didn’t like something, I needed to go home, so I could leave him behind from him and didn’t call him that often. And such quarrels about once a week, every time he tells me to leave, every time I tell him something that I don’t like, and he starts yelling like crazy. I only then cry, but he absolutely doesn’t care and doesn’t feel sorry for me. But I can’t live my whole life with him and remain satisfied with everything, I always calmly say in a dissatisfied, but calm voice and without shouting or insults what I don’t like. And he always answers me that if you don’t like something, go back and leave me alone. He considers himself right and every time explains that I never learned to talk to him normally. But how else can I explain to him what I don’t like? I don’t scream, I don’t throw hysterics, I constantly endure everything and hold back and tell him calmly. But even this doesn’t suit him. But I can’t be happy with everything all my life. And I can’t leave him, I’m already a second-year student, there’s no way I can transfer to my hometown, I found out. Therefore, it turns out that I am completely dependent on him, I can’t do anything, I’m already tired of crying every day, he’s just a standard of some kind of indifference, zero attention, zero tenderness, zero affection, zero understanding, zero sympathy from him. But there are only complaints and reproaches and screams. So, what should I do? I still want to be with him. I dream that he would start treating me as before, now I would appreciate it and would never offend him. I explained all this to him a million times, said that I was wrong, asked for forgiveness, asked that he start treating me as before and stop being indifferent, but it’s all to no avail. He says that he doesn’t know whether he will start treating me the same as before or not, but he believes that he loves me.

• Hello, Evgeniya. If you really want to be with this person, then you must realize a simple truth: your young man does not owe you anything and everything he does for you in this life is solely at the behest of his soul.
  The next important point will be to learn patience and control your emotions. Become strong, rely only on yourself in difficult situations, stop making any claims to the young man and crying for every reason. Every day look for a reason for which you can thank the young man, and not reproach him. If you change, your life will change.

  Hello, Evgeniya. Firstly, you should not blame yourself for anything that you once ordered tantrums, etc. Secondly, your man initially understood that you had no experience, and that suited him. You were a new bright impression for him, a young child whom he wanted to support and care for. And the fact that he did not buy you things, but only supported you, was already the first bell. He thought he was doing enough already. Now he's used to you. Everyday life and family life became a burden to him. Understand that no matter how you behaved before, you would have reached this stage. Why? Because your man does not perceive you as a person. And the more you try, the more it cools down. He takes your care and you for granted, and is sure that you will not go anywhere, and you have nowhere to go. To change the current situation, you must radically change your behavior, change internally, and begin to treat yourself with respect. In order not to turn the comment into a book, I will answer you in more detail personally. Write to me by email: vikz-85(dog)mail.ru. My name is Victoria.

Hello! My name is Nina, my life story is not simple. I ask you to help me get over the breakup with my husband.
I met my husband at 18, he is 25 years older than me. We had love, passion, children were born 16, 14, 4.6, 1.2. We lived together for 20 years, but all these years, he did not break off his marriage with his first wife. All the time he felt sorry for her, provided for her financially - and dragged me into this. I bought food, things, medicine, prepared food (for the hospital), and nursed their grandson. I devoted four years to my grandson, treated him, taught him, walked with him. Now he is 8 years old.
Our relationship was different, my husband has a complex character, he is irritable, but I loved him, took care of his health and appearance. By the way, when we met he was in very poor health and was in danger of having his thyroid gland removed. We went through everything together and managed to avoid surgery. and now he looks great at 50 years old and feels normal (pressure 120 over 80). We lived by his rules - he was the head. My husband has a dacha, he loves this house and garden very much, puts his whole soul and a lot of time into it. He needs helpers there. But I have small children and it became difficult for me to cope with housework. He started inviting his first wife and grandson. They were there in the spring and fall, me with the children and grandson in the summer before school started. The husband liked this situation and he did not even hesitate to invite guests either to the room, as to the hostess, or to his first wife. My opinion on this matter was not taken into account. And at the end of summer, he took us home, three days later he took all our things out of the dacha and took his own from the apartment. His explanations were confusing and absurd, then I raised my older children incorrectly and they irritate him, then he suspected me of cheating, then he said that as a housewife and woman I was not suitable for him. Provides children with minimal financial assistance for food and courses. If you buy things, you need to ask him personally. There is no finance provided for me at all. I am completely depressed, looking for the last strength in myself to cope with this betrayal, so that the children will not be so hurt. I don’t know how to live further? I’m afraid that I’m not an authority for teenagers, and then kids require a lot of time and care. Talk to me, help me find the way to a new happy life!

• • Thank you! Your articles open my eyes. I have a lot of work to do on myself.

Nina, hello! I also once went through a divorce, so I understand you well. True, I didn’t have children in my marriage, so it’s even more difficult for you. But believe me, dear, life does not end there, and it remains to be seen who is lucky) Yes, yes! You have someone to live for, you have beloved children, and you are still young. Fate specifically gave you a chance to become truly happy. You constantly obeyed your husband, his decisions, and this can no longer be called an idyll. You had to constantly suppress yourself and your discontent. Now you are finally free. Look at your husband’s departure from this side and start learning to love yourself! If you need support or advice, please contact us. My address: vikz-85(dog)mail.ru My name is Victoria.

Hello)
Today my husband admitted that he hasn’t loved me for a long time. We have been married for 8 years and have a child. We didn’t make trouble, we never sorted things out in a raised voice. We had disputes, but a solution was found quickly. We are both quite calm, without bad habits, materials, etc.
I was always confident in my husband’s feelings; he never gave me any reason to doubt. But today he admitted that he hasn’t loved me for a long time, that he lied, that he didn’t want to hurt me. He wants to live as before, for the sake of the child. This is an incredible blow for me! I just can’t wrap my head around this, I can’t imagine how to live anymore. I love my husband, he is a wonderful person, I want my daughter to grow up in a complete family, but what can such a “family” give her? How to live on, knowing that I am no longer loved by my husband, play “family”, pretend to be in a relationship? How can you move on through life if you can’t take your hand or lean on your shoulder?
It’s incredibly hard, painful, scary for me. My husband walks around gloomy, telling me not to get hung up on this, that I need to move on with my life, he doesn’t want to let me go “nowhere,” he doesn’t want a divorce, he wants us to live as before. Of course, I don’t want a divorce, but how to live together when you know that you are not loved. We had plans, we wanted to move to another city, we wanted a second child, we were planning a vacation, shopping. And now everything has collapsed inside me. The husband says that he regrets his confession, that there was no need to tell such a truth. And I am grateful to him for the truth, but at the same time it is so painful to realize that I lived in illusions, in lies. It hurts me to watch how our daughter is going through, she certainly doesn’t understand everything, but she feels, runs from dad to mom and says that she loves us. I see how scared she is and how she doesn’t understand why dad is gloomy and mom is crying, she’s still little, she’s only 5 years old, it’s too early to explain to her. We both tell her that we love her, we just had a little fight with dad, but we will definitely make up.
Sorry about the sheet. I just don't know how to live on.

• Hello Maria. “but how to live together when you know that you are not loved” - There is no clear, unambiguously sufficient definition of love. Your husband may not fully understand what he feels for you, but he definitely has certain feelings for you.
  From a psychological point of view, love implies free relationships based on mutual happiness and mutual trust. Love has three aspects: moral (commitment), emotional (intimacy) and physical (passion).
  In men, the decline in the physical aspect is often equated with the fading of love.
  So-called “true love” is based on these three aspects, taken in equal proportions. Therefore, in a calm atmosphere, after analyzing your family life, you should think and pay more attention to the necessary aspect in life. Take your husband's confession not as a tragedy, but as a call to certain actions.
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  • Thank you for taking the time to answer me.
    My husband, a silent person, always keeps all problems and emotions to himself. I tried to talk to him about the “three aspects of love”, but he does not feel emotional attachment to me. His conversations about our future only irritate. It’s incredibly difficult for me too, I cry non-stop, my husband sighs and frowns even more. He threw himself into his work and took on extra shifts. He tells him it’s easier this way. I’m really scared of losing my husband, family, hurting my child, scared of ruining everything. I don’t get into his soul, my husband doesn’t like it. I don’t know how to behave correctly so as not to aggravate the situation. After work he comes and sits down at the computer. Then he goes to bed. Please tell me what direction I should move in, how to behave so as not to make things worse. We don’t swear at all, we always speak calmly, we don’t even raise our tone. Pestering with conversations is not an option; my husband doesn’t like conversations at all, and he has always avoided “intimate conversations.” Should I leave him alone and not touch him? Try to behave as before? But I'm in a stupor. I usually reached out to my husband, hugged him, praised him for little things, let him rest after work, etc. And now I’m scared to hug, scared to say something, scared to just sit next to me and take my hand like before. I tried, but he tenses up and turns to stone. He doesn’t move away, but he seems to freeze, as if he’s blocking me.
    The husband is a rock! He never apologizes, never takes back his words, for him there are no other colors except “black and white.” Stingy in showing any emotions. It is impossible to convince him of anything. But this is my dear man, the father of my daughter. I accept him this way and appreciate him this way, respect him and love him.
    I wrote a lot of letters again, sorry. Emotions run high, it’s very offensive and painful.

    • Maria, now the most important thing is to realize what happened and accept the situation. You cannot change it, so it is important to accept it. This is necessary so that you stop feeling sorry for yourself, crying, and being sad. Living with a man like your husband, you should have adopted some of his qualities or at least seemed like that in front of him - be tougher, not show unnecessary emotions. Now you need to adapt to him and not show your excessive emotionality and weakness. You should behave as if nothing happened. Go about your family affairs as before. There is a stupor to be the first to approach - don’t approach. You should come to your senses for a while and calm down. We recommend soothing tinctures of valerian and motherwort.
      Let's analyze what we have: the husband admitted that he has no feelings. Great, you know that. One client, when she found out that her husband was cheating, said a wonderful phrase: “they didn’t promise to love me forever.” And she's right. In a relationship, no one owes anyone anything. Now you will read a little cynicism, try to understand it correctly. It seems to you that your husband is a whole universe for you, you dissolve in him, but in reality this is not the case.
      Your husband is a stranger to you. Your family is your parents and your child, who will always love you unconditionally.
      “I accept him this way and appreciate him this way, respect him and love him.” In your situation, you must accept, appreciate, and respect your husband, but start loving yourself. Only then will you stop crying when you realize that by suffering, you are hurting yourself. In your life, you are the most important person. Take care of yourself, your inner strength will still be useful to you. And remember, no man is worthy of your tears, and the one who is worthy will never make you cry.

      • Hello. Thank you for answering me, helping me.
        I'm trying to follow your advice, but it's very difficult. For several days I tried to behave as usual, with the exception of tactile contact. And this turns out to be the most difficult thing. For me, it used to be the norm to kiss, smack when meeting and saying goodbye, take your hand if we go somewhere, pat you on the back, etc., such simple gestures are now inaccessible to me and I have to control it.
        Two days ago, in the evening, I couldn’t resist and hugged him. He endured it, but it was clear that he was not pleased.
        Well, I can’t pretend that I don’t care about him. In terms of everyday life, it’s not difficult for me to lead a normal lifestyle, but emotionally I can’t cope.
        After this incident we stopped talking. He asks, but I can’t answer, I’m choked by a lump of tears. In order not to cry, you have to be silent. We didn't talk for a day. And yesterday his mother-in-law suggested that he go somewhere to rest. My husband agreed and is looking forward to a vacation. And now I’m afraid that he will either leave forever or, while on vacation, decide not to save the family at all and upon his return everything will completely collapse. This morning I cried again and told him about my fears. He replied that he himself did not know anything. Vacation is not coming soon and what will happen next is unknown. He repeated that he didn’t want to leave or get a divorce, but only because I had nowhere to go. If there had been a chance, he would have let me go, but he didn’t kick me out. He said that families are different, but I came up with an ideal one for myself and demanded that he follow the rules. He said that he was tired and didn’t want anything at all.
        Today is an important day for our daughter, her first performance. She's waiting for him, but he said he won't come. He's tired of everything. He left slamming the door.
        The family is falling apart. What will happen next is scary. It's still vacation(
        You are right, I dissolve in my husband, he really is my whole world. Maybe you shouldn’t wait for your husband’s vacation, but just take your daughter and leave? There’s really nowhere to go, I don’t have parents, relatives or close friends either. But I’ll find a way out, maybe rent a hostel...
        I torment my husband, I suffer myself, my daughter in kindergarten tells me how dad doesn’t love mom and mom cries (If my husband is tormented because of me, then maybe it would be better to leave?
        My thoughts jump around, I confuse and forget words. I became confused, inattentive, nothing makes me happy.

Hello.
I ask for your advice and your help in the matter of relationships.
I dated a girl for a year. They loved each other very much. We are the same age. A month ago, the girl said that we were breaking up, that she was tired of everything. Although she herself said that she loved me very much, what would happen to me, that I was perfect, even though I made her mad and angry, she said that she would marry me. She, like me, has the longest relationship. A year together.
During the last quarrel, I was jealous of her, when we met, I told her this, thereby offending her and pissing her off. After that, we didn’t communicate for two days, I wanted to find out how her mother was doing and at the same time get advice about a gift for my girlfriend’s birthday. Arriving at work with my mother, we got into a conversation with her, told her about the quarrel, her mother said that she would talk to her, as if by chance touching on the topic of relationships. The next day, my girlfriend was the first to write to me, having forgotten the quarrel, but by the evening she changed her mood and didn’t want to communicate (her mother talked to her and my girlfriend realized that I came to her mother for advice, she was very angry with me because -for this, because she told me more than once that I should not discuss our personal life with anyone. During such quarrels, I turned to my girlfriend’s sister for advice, afraid of losing). Afterwards she wrote that we were breaking up. I told her that we didn’t need to break up, but she had already decided for herself.
I decided to leave her for a while. A week later, I met her after class, she treated me coldly. I decided to walk her home, but she told me not to follow her, that nothing would happen between us anymore and that she had decided everything, telling me to have at least a little self-respect, although not so long ago she said how much she loved me.
As a result, with my stubbornness I brought her to hysterics, I asked her not to leave, so that she would forgive me for my mistakes, in general I humiliated myself in front of her, I did not want to let go, because I love her very much. And he only made everything worse. Out of emotion, she said that she didn’t love me. I don't want to believe it, to be honest. She said that she didn’t want to be with me, that she would leave me alone forever. “If you love me, then leave me alone.”
She asked me, told me several times, there is no need to tell anyone what is going on between us. I said that I would not do this again, but I repeated my mistakes... During such quarrels, sometimes I was lost and did not know what to do and, thinking that this quarrel may be the last, I turned to her sister and twice to her mother, I was afraid of losing, but it turned out that I lost...
As a result, we don’t communicate for three weeks, silently passing each other at the university.
Would it be better to start communicating little by little? Will it be possible to return her? The work has been done, mistakes have been analyzed, conclusions have been drawn. I really want to get her back, she asked me not to let her go, even before all the quarrels. I hope that she still loves me, but what she said to me was emotional. Even though enough time has passed for her to move away, I don’t dare approach her, for fear of completely ruining everything. Yes, I understood that being jealous was bad, but I was jealous not because I didn’t trust, but because I loved. Jealousy is a stupid feeling. I accepted her as she is and love her anyway, even if she is angry with me or offended.
My mistakes are not so fatal that it would end like this. Yes, she is tired of this, I irritate her, but I did not cheat on her, I loved her, paid enough attention to her, gave her flowers and gifts. All my mistakes became the reason why she doesn't want to be with me. But I tried and changed. I am monogamous and want to be only with her.
Is there a chance to fix everything? And what should I do now: leave her for a while or gradually resume communication?
Please help with advice.

• Hello, Igor. Your girl has a strong character; she wants her boyfriend to be no weaker than her.
  No matter how much you want to be led by your negative emotions, you need to restrain yourself by an effort of will, not to show that there is a fear of losing a loved one. All these sensations and fears were transferred to the girl, who saw a weak man in front of her. It's all because of a real feeling of love, which made you insecure and wounded. What do girls want? They want to be proud of their boyfriends, admire them, feel that they are loved, but not kept close to them and given freedom.
  Start greeting her by simply passing by, smiling, as if nothing had happened, say “hello” and walk past. She must think that everything is fine with you. Therefore, in front of her eyes, try to be cheerful, communicate with other girls, keep the intrigue. It is very important that she sees you with another equally attractive girl, let her be jealous. If she asks in the future, and she will definitely ask about what she saw, say that it’s nothing serious, the girl herself is taking the initiative.
  Your task now is simply to resume normal, friendly relations. It’s too early to claim more. Become a friend again who allows everything and understands that a girl has a need to please everyone, not just you. Don’t make excuses or apologize to her anymore, she wants to see you proud and independent - become like that in her eyes. Don't discuss your relationship with anyone else. Prepare yourself for the fact that there are many girls around, and you are the only one, and there will definitely be one who will truly appreciate you.

  • Hello, Natalia. Some time passed and, one might say, communication improved a little between us, but not entirely. We crossed paths, said “hello” and that was all. One day in December she wrote that she felt very bad without me, but she also felt bad with me. She said that she hadn’t let go yet, but she didn’t want to come back. Again he says that he doesn’t love her. After that she became cold again and ignores me.
    During all the time that passed, she was alone and did not meet anyone. I still hope to get everything back, but I'm afraid of doing something wrong and completely ruining everything. Our last conversation was at the beginning of the month, then she said that she didn’t love her and couldn’t return anything. Leave her again and not disturb her? Or try to communicate?
    Thank you for the previous advice. I ask for help again, please.

    • Hello, Igor. Try not to react to the girl’s words and not to show that it hurts you when she says that she doesn’t love you.
      In general, close this topic once and for all and never start it yourself. Let her stew in her experiences and understand herself without traumatizing you.
      Don’t be afraid to do something wrong; it’s better to do something than to do nothing.
      When a girl wrote that she felt bad, she should immediately become active: “If you want, we’ll come and have a walk like before, this doesn’t oblige you to anything, we’ll just walk and you’ll feel better...” Be cunning and be resourceful.
      “Leave her again and not disturb her? Or try to communicate?” Of course, communicate, but do it so skillfully and appear every time by chance and unexpectedly.
      If she says that she doesn’t want to come back, then also play along with her and make it clear that this is also quite acceptable to you.
      “After that she became cold again and ignores me.” - Don’t fix your gaze on her all the time, mind your own business and try to be calm and, in appropriate situations, cheerful. It is necessary that she follows you and wants to watch you, and for this you will have to show yourself as a changed person in order to attract her attention to you.

      • And for some reason, this evening she blocked me on social media. networks. What does she want to show with this? I haven't written or called her for a long time. Maybe she really is tired of me?

        • Igor, she is trying to forget you in this way and does not want you to track her life. Find yourself a hobby for your soul, take a mental break from it.

      Hello, Natalia. Again. Just recently I found out that my ex-girlfriend started dating another guy. During all this time, after my last message to you, I still tried to somehow start communicating, but to no avail: again ignoring, again silence. The news that she started a new relationship hurt me, but it fueled my desire to get her back even more. They are classmates and he is two years younger than her. I still want everything back, even if it takes a long time. It’s not possible to let go and forget everything, and I don’t want to, to be honest. What to do in this situation, Natalya? Change yourself and just silently watch her, wait and hope further that she wants to return.

  It looks like there is no cure...
  Hello again. This attachment, or love, or already illness, is not forgotten, this attachment does not let go... or it is I myself who do not want to let go of everything. He never stopped visiting her pages on social networks, nor did he stop occasionally asking her friends how she was doing. Occasionally I write to her by SMS, but almost every time I get the answer: “don’t write to me.” I met others, talked, and in my head I thought about her. There is still a glimmer of hope somewhere. He is drawn to her, although a year has already passed. And I can’t help but want to return her and start all over again.
  What did I do, what did I try to do to get her back? A bunch of flowers, small gifts, poems... I have changed in appearance, changed the style of my clothes, I take care of myself, work out in the gym, post new photos on social networks, try my best to study and work. I went over in my head a hundred times everything that happened, what mistakes I made. Trying to interest her. To hook it with something again, like the first time... but so far the attempts are in vain.
  I again ask for your words of support or guidance, at least something.

  • Hello, Igor. Or maybe you don’t need to be treated for this? Just live with this feeling. Don't fight it, but don't allow yourself to become obsessed with it either.
    You have done everything possible and impossible to renew your relationship with the girl. You're going through a year. This is a lot, but considering that you love it, it’s normal. Accept the situation as it is today. You love, you don’t. This is fine. It just so happens that she doesn't love you. But she doesn't have to love you. It happens.
    Love is “like manna from heaven,” it descended on a person and he begins to love without even understanding why. And just like that, it can disappear. Love cannot last forever, it should be maintained like a flame, adding firewood, which is what you do: flowers, gifts, poems. The moment has come for you to stop, respect yourself and let go of the situation.
    “I went over in my head a hundred times everything that happened, what mistakes I made” - You should not overdo this either, stop remembering past mistakes, once you made the right conclusions and go on to win new women’s hearts.

Hello. I contacted you on August 13th. Let me remind you, I am 43, the young man is 26. He ended our relationship overnight. It's all due to my unbridled jealousy and showdown. My attempts to explain myself and try to change something ended in nothing. He was silent.
Time has passed... I get to know each other, communicate. But there is nothing serious yet. I thought I could forget him, but I can’t.. My daughter-in-law advised me to create a left page on social networks with someone else’s data and try to communicate with him simply in a friendly way. That's what I did. I had to change my writing style a little. But everything worked out. I asked on someone else’s behalf about myself. He answered that he was blowing his mind, that he no longer remembers me and in general, there is no and cannot be a return to the old ways..
He never got anyone, he was alone... I had to delete the first left page, he let me get too close to him. I felt that he was beginning to show more interest than I allowed. Now we communicate on the second one, created by me. Intellectually I understand the absurdity of my idea. But I can’t refuse to know HOW he is and WHAT he is... If he finds out about my tricks, he will certainly hate me. He treats any kind of deception with aversion... And I’m afraid to write to him in my real name. He made it clear that he was no longer interested in me. I'm completely confused. Maybe you can advise me something? Thank you in advance.

• Hello, Natalia. Definitely, he should never find out that you communicated with him using a different name. What can you do in your situation? Over time, your young man will rethink everything and become calmer towards you, and if you are persistent, but at the same time do everything beautifully, then you can openly resume friendly relations with him (meaning social networks). This requires time, patience and sincerely wishing happiness to your young man, even if he is not with you. This is very difficult and not every person is capable of this. Often love is selfish and a person thinks about himself, how bad he feels without the object of his passion. This is psychological dependence and the desire to be loved. But love cannot be earned, you cannot force a person to love yourself.
  In two months, congratulate the guy on the New Year, wish him all the best, if he answers well, if he doesn’t answer, that’s also good. If he answers, then there is no point in entering into a lengthy correspondence. By an effort of will, force yourself to think about other people, communicate with cheerful friends, they will bring you out of the obsessive state of sadness about your loved one. If there is a reason to congratulate you on some event, congratulate your ex. This will allow him to understand that he means a lot to you and you remember him. This may take more than one month, a year, but if you are constant, then your boyfriend will subconsciously wait for your messages, even if he does not immediately reciprocate.

  • Thank you.. About 10 days ago I saw very bad dreams about him... And since I almost never remember them, this is what alerted me. And on social media networks, he was absent for some time, then I wrote to him in my real name about these dreams, and that I was worried about him. He answered a day later, with just one word.. And that was enough for me..
    Now, on someone else’s page, I learn about him what I didn’t learn in our reality with him... Then I was busy sorting things out (((
    I wish him a Happy New Year... I really want him to be happy. I know that he communicates with many people, he himself tells some moments from his life. And you know, all this sociability of his, which irritated me before, now does not cause any negative emotions. I am calm. I have no illusions, I live my own life... But this craving for women over 40 still worries me. I once asked him: “Do your parents love you?” To which he answered me: “I don’t know..” Is this some kind of dislike or something???

    • Natalia, a person subconsciously attracts to himself what he lacks. And it is not at all necessary that your boyfriend needs maternal love. Adult women are attractive as life experiences, they know how to listen, and can be interesting, stimulating interlocutors, unlike girls who are interested in fashion trends, cosmetics and want attention only to themselves. A wise, mature woman will be able to support with useful advice, and a young girl will expect help from a guy, and this is a responsibility. And, of course, a young man is attracted to a woman by certain experience, freedom and courage in intimate relationships.

Hello. I dated a girl for 2 years. We knew each other since school. We entered different institutes. Then, when we returned to our hometown, we decided to try dating because there was sympathy. Relationships are like everyone else’s, sometimes quarrels, sometimes arguments, but in general everything is not bad, but soon she got tired of me (I don’t want to get married). She said that she wanted a family and didn’t love me anymore (although she used to say that I was the nicest, the best and she didn’t need anyone but me, she said that she would always love me). We broke up, I thought that she would just take a break from me and come back, but almost immediately she began a relationship with a guy who is 5 years older than me. After 3 months she broke up with him and after 6-7 months she married some guy. I accidentally came across their photos. She looks happy, but it’s as if I wasn’t even there. And for a year now I can’t even think about other girls and I see her in almost every passerby. It seems that the little one should have let go by now, but it feels like every day I’m getting worse and worse. I can’t make new acquaintances, and I’ve broken off all my old ones. All the things I take on don't work out. I don’t even have anyone to talk about this topic with (I don’t want to burden my parents).

• Hello, Vlad. If your feelings for a girl are strong and sincere, then it will be very difficult to get rid of them, and maybe you shouldn’t do it at all. Continue to love her in the depths of your soul, do not resist your feelings, wish her happiness with all your heart. Remembering the happy moments when you were together, mentally thank the Universe for this. Over time, you will feel better and changes will occur in your life.
  Photos on social media We do not recommend considering networks. Often girls post them in order to impress society and they do not always correspond to reality. When a person does not believe in his happiness, he does everything to convince others of his existence. You can see this from your example - you believed and are torturing yourself with it. Maybe the girl still loves you, but she set herself the goal of getting married, since this was her important need at that time. The psychology of women is such that they draw conclusions about men’s attitude towards them based on whether a young man proposes or not. If he does, it means he has feelings; if he doesn’t want to legitimize the relationship, it means he doesn’t love him and the relationship won’t last long.

  Vlad, there is a deeper reason for your problem. Perhaps its awareness will cause you negative feelings (and this is normal), but only understanding this reason will help you correctly build your future life. N.A. Vedmesh advises you not to resist your feelings, if they are sincere, and to wish your ex-girlfriend happiness. But, I’ll tell you honestly, a rare person is capable of this. And I'm not sure if this is possible in your case. Why? Because “impossibility” is directly related to the cause of your condition. And the internal psychological reason that you are tormenting yourself and can no longer look at other girls lies in your wounded pride. Yes exactly. Initially, you convinced yourself that you are the most wonderful for this girl. You thought that she would always love you, because she said so herself. And when your girlfriend wanted to leave, you didn’t stop her. We decided that she would return herself. You weren't afraid of losing her, because... were confident in their irresistibility to her. When she started a relationship with someone else, you became tense, wondering if it was worth taking action. And then she herself broke up. You thought again - that means he will return. But when you came across her photo and found out that she was married, your belief collapsed. You felt offended and hurt
  She is happy and has forgotten about you! How? There is no strong and true love here, but there is a feeling of loss of one’s own importance (and in one’s own eyes). And you have 2 ways - torment and blame everyone and everything, or start a new and truly happy life, love and be loved. Can help. Write personally: vikz-85(dog)mail.ru Victoria.

The counseling process: principles and stages.

Process legal counseling by student consultants is as follows:

· identify legal problems of clients;

· generalize and analyze regulatory material, judicial and other law enforcement practice;

· identify various options for solving the client’s problem;

· explain to clients the proposed solutions and the procedure for their implementation;

· prepare projects procedural and other legally significant documents (according to the approved rules, procedural documents are NOT drawn up in the Legal Clinic of the MFLA).

Because the task of consulting If the lawyer does not demonstrate his professional knowledge, but provides legal assistance to the client in resolving his problem, then a different approach to the relationship between lawyer and client should be recognized as more correct.

The essence of this approach is that the lawyer builds his relationship with the client based on his interests. This approach is called "customer-centric".

Relying on the client requires the lawyer to clarify not only the essence of the client’s legal problem, the factual circumstances that gave rise to this problem, but also the client’s true desires, goals, and aspirations.

Let us recall that between interviewing and counseling there is a mandatory transition stage called case analysis and position development. In time, it can take from several minutes to several days, weeks, and maybe even months; The amount of work required may also differ: for example, to reproduce in memory the text of an article of law or to study many facts, documents, and regulations.

In terms of time, the stage of case analysis precedes counseling and at the same time seems to be outside of it. This is a kind of “zero” preliminary stage, but the foundation of counseling is laid here. This stage can be called preparatory stage for consultation.

In preparation for consultation, the lawyer should once again summarize all the known facts obtained during the interview process while studying the documents. He must turn to the regulations: clarify and understand the text of laws and the content of legal norms, select from them the necessary ones that correspond to the facts and requirements of the client; determine the limits of their action and the consequences of their use, etc.

It is necessary to determine possible procedures for implementing legal norms in relation to the client’s situation; calculate possible material, time and other costs; required actions and efforts.

You should also think about when, where, in what form (orally or in writing) it is advisable to conduct the upcoming consultation, and what supporting materials to offer.

Very often, when preparing a consultation after an interview, a lawyer realizes that he did not receive enough information during the interview, and there is a need to fill in the gaps. In these cases, before meeting with the client, it is necessary to prepare a “list of questions” to which you need answers. Then you can proceed as follows:

1. if it is possible to prepare a consultation taking into account all possible options for the client’s answer to a question that was not clarified during the interview, then you work as usual, but according to a more complex scheme;

2. in the case when a possible solution depends on a specific answer, but you cannot imagine what this answer will be, you should make an appointment with the client to obtain the missing information, and postpone the consultation. Or if you filled out clearly and correctly Personal client card, then the client can be contacted by phone.

Here it is necessary to highlight and say separately about working with a teacher. The teacher gets acquainted with the materials and planning of the case and, if necessary, points out shortcomings and ways to eliminate them. In addition, the teacher can indicate the need for a repeat interview if it is determined that the amount of information that was obtained during the interview is insufficient to provide quality advice, and also indicate which copies of documents must be provided to the client. Based on the teacher’s comments, the student eliminates the shortcomings and presents the final version of the consultation in writing, indicating all possible legal options for solving the client’s problem, their positive and negative aspects, as well as the procedure for implementing these solutions.

The need for this is due to the lack of experience in giving consultations among students, and a detailed description of the consultation will help the student concentrate on the information conveyed to the client, convey all the necessary information and simply not get confused.

So, let us assume that the analysis of the case and the development of a position is an independent stage, we will highlight the following immediate stages of consultation.

1. Meeting with the client and explaining the procedure for conducting the consultation.

After careful preparation, you meet with the client at the appointed time. At this point, the psychological and organizational foundations of counseling are determined and formed. When interviewing a client, the lawyer has already received certain ideas about the client’s character, level of education and culture, abilities and behavior. Taking all this into account, the client’s meeting should be structured and the contact necessary for counseling should be established with him.

Such a meeting also conventionally consists of several stages. In order to turn the client into his “employee” and thereby ensure the effectiveness of the consultation, the lawyer needs to immediately determine and clearly define the goals and objectives of the meeting.

First of all, since a certain period of time has passed since the interview, you must check with the client at the very beginning of the meeting whether there have been any changes in his situation, whether his intentions remain the same, or whether he wants to say anything additional. This is very important, since such information can significantly affect the content of the consultation.

If no significant changes have occurred in the situation, you can move on and determine the procedure for counseling. The point is that you can resort to various options for constructing a consultation: either listing all the options for resolving the problem, and then discussing each of them with the client, or conducting a one-by-one discussion of the options after they are voiced by the lawyer. An agreement reached with the client on these points will allow the consultation to be carried out in a more organized manner.

When organizing a consultation, you should also accurately determine: how much time the lawyer can spend on it (he may have other matters planned for that day) and how much time the client has; Is this time enough for a calm and comprehensive discussion of all necessary issues? Taking into account the nature of the client, the procedure for discussing these issues should be immediately specified. The lawyer may invite the client to list and explain all possible options, and then discuss each of them or only those that interest the client. But he can conduct a discussion on each option separately and only after that choose the most suitable one for the client. You can propose to first discuss the options and only then the ways and means of their implementation, or do this simultaneously, so that when choosing an option, the client immediately takes into account the efforts and costs that the implementation of each option will require.

If the consultation procedure is agreed upon in advance with the client, the lawyer has the opportunity to interrupt abstract reasoning and at any time remind the client of the need to adhere to the established procedure.

2. Explaining to the client possible solution options and analyzing the possible consequences of each of them

It is clear that this is the central, most important stage of counseling. Special requirements must be placed on it.

First, the lawyer’s explanations must be clear and understandable. The ability to speak clearly and understandably is necessary for a lawyer, but it depends not only on his own literacy, the richness of his vocabulary, but also on the ability to “adapt” to the level of the client. After all, explanations are given to the client, and he, the client, must understand the lawyer.

Secondly, the lawyer must tell the client all possible options for solving the problem, including those that the client may not like or upset him. The lawyer must remain objective and promptly warn the client about possible failures.

Thirdly, the subject of explanation should be not only options for solving the problem, but also a forecast of possible consequences. Moreover, when discussing the consequences, the client plays an important role, since he may know about some circumstances unknown to the lawyer. For example, the lawyer did not discuss his family relationships with the client, since in this case they had no legal significance. For the client, it is important how his relatives will treat him before, during and after the resolution of the controversial issue.

Fourthly, it is necessary to explain the methods and possible costs for implementing the options discussed, and the role of the client himself in the implementation of each of them. The client must clearly imagine what efforts and costs the implementation of each option will require, both for the lawyer and for him personally.

3. Assisting the client in choosing the optimal solution

After all possible ways to solve his problem have been explained to the client and the possible consequences for him have been discussed with him, the lawyer moves on to the very important stage of choosing the optimal option. As a rule, at this stage the client is passive and listens to the lawyer’s monologue. However, do not get carried away with this, because just because the client is silent does not mean that he has nothing to say or nothing to ask. It is very important to conduct this part of the consultation in the form of dialogue. To do this, from time to time you can ask the client questions for understanding or use the following phrases:

If this interests you...

Can I explain to you what this means?...

What do you think about this proposal?...

Is this condition acceptable to you?...

The most important part in explaining the possible options is to outline the prospects for each of them, because it is on this basis that the client chooses one or another option. Since the prospects for solving a problem are, in any case, still the lawyer’s assumptions, they should not be presented as absolutely certain.

A lawyer should neither exaggerate nor minimize the client’s chances of a positive outcome. This may cause the client to be too pessimistic, or, conversely, too optimistic, which is equally undesirable.

The sources of the information presented should be cited; this emphasizes both the reliability of the information provided and the competence of the consultant. Perhaps sometimes it is even necessary to show the client the text of the regulatory act.

Often the client's problem is complex and multidisciplinary in nature. In such cases, it is advisable to divide the problem into separate components and explain them in turn; also, arguments and arguments are better perceived if they are presented in turn.

Avoid simply listing options; go into detail about each, indicating the advantages and disadvantages.

There are situations when the same result can be achieved in different ways. In these cases, the client must also be offered all options, but it must be explained that the outcome will be the same.

As already noted, when conducting consultation “based on the client,” the latter’s opinion may not coincide with the opinion of the lawyer. A lawyer can only recommend to the client the solution that seems optimal to him. But after discussing all the options and their consequences, the client can choose another option. This is the client's right, and the lawyer must respect it. At the same time, in such situations, it would be a good idea to double-check again whether the client correctly understood the essence and consequences of the option he chose. The lawyer can offer the client some kind of “reality test”, for example, ask whether the client is ready for significantly higher costs, or, conversely, certain losses that will certainly arise when implementing the option he has chosen. You can ask the client to explain why he chooses this particular option, how he imagines its implementation and possible results.

A lawyer should not give advice to a client, even if there is a strong desire to do so. A typical lawyer’s mistake is phrases such as the following: “There is one option for solving your problem..., but I would advise you to act differently...”.

It is important that the client perceives the decision as his own, and not imposed by the lawyer, otherwise there is a danger that he will subsequently blame the lawyer for not achieving his goal by acting in accordance with the lawyer’s recommendations.

However, this does not mean that the lawyer should be completely passive at this stage. It is possible that here again and again it will be necessary to remind you of the pros and cons of each option.

Many clients often try to shift the burden of decision-making to the lawyer, constantly asking questions like: “What would you do if you were me?”, “What would you advise me?” It is necessary to avoid answering these questions by explaining to the client that you are not in his place, and only he himself can determine what is preferable for him.

If you see that the client is in doubt and cannot lean towards any specific solution option you have proposed, invite him to think and come next time when a solution is ripe.

If the consultation is one-time (explanation of the law or other regulatory act), assistance in choosing the optimal solution, as a rule, becomes the final stage.

If further cooperation is planned, it is necessary to move on to the last stage of consultation.

4. Determining the strategy and tactics for implementing the decision.

Of all the proposed options, the client, with the help of a lawyer, chose the one that was most preferable to him. This causes him a certain satisfaction, but some confusion also arises: how to implement the chosen method of solving the problem?

After choosing the solution itself, the lawyer and the client continue to discuss specific actions until it is implemented.

For example, if the client decides to go to court, you need to discuss with him when it is better to file a claim, what documents need to be attached to the claim, which court and which judge should be addressed, etc. If necessary, help.

Further work may require new meetings with the client, so these should be scheduled together with him. You should definitely explain to the client that if new or additional information appears, he should immediately inform you about it, as this may affect the way the decision is implemented.

The cooperation that the lawyer was able to achieve at the beginning of the consultation (and perhaps even earlier, during the interview process) will help him successfully complete it, and in the future will be the key to success in the implementation of the developed solution.

Once counseling is completed, it needs to be reviewed and evaluated. To do this, you can suggest using the following questions:

1) Have you indicated all the ways to solve the client's problem?

2) Was the possible consequences of each decision clear and precise?

3) Have you actively tried to influence the client's choice of solution?

4) Did you conduct counseling in accessible language?

5) Was the consultation conducted in a collaborative style?

Consultations can be shorter when the client turns to the lawyer for clarification of the law or with the question: “Do I have the right?..” In such cases, the lawyer may not consistently unfold all stages of consultation, but limit himself to giving a legal certificate. If the client’s question requires an analysis of factual circumstances, the study of any evidence, legal documents, the lawyer must provide full consultation.