“I don’t want to communicate with anyone”: apathy. Causes of appearance, grievances, psychological fatigue, advice and recommendations from psychologists
I don `t want to communicate. There is no fear or shyness, I'm just not interested in 90% of people. I love my friends, but when I communicate with them more than once a week, I feel exhausted, on the verge of a breakdown. I overreact to other people's emotions. After meeting nervous people, I start to get sick mentally and physically.
I also constantly think that communication is a waste of time. I could be alone and spend my precious hours better.If I refuse meetings, they take offense at me, consider me ungrateful and unreliable. To avoid scandals, I agree to communicate, and then I can’t sleep from nervous overexcitation, crying about wasted time again.I have been suffering from manic-depressive syndrome and chronic insomnia for 4 years now. In the morning, after a painful night, I feel that I no longer have the strength, I’m waiting for the night to finally get some sleep. In the evening they call me and are offended that I’m not going for a walk or that I’m going, but I’m not happy about it.How can I explain to people that I don’t need so much communication, that they don’t need to make me an extrovert?
Maria, 29 years old
Of course, you must follow your own characteristics and try not to overload yourself unnecessarily and beyond measure. You write that you have manic-depressive syndrome, I assume you are seeing a psychiatrist. If not, then try to seek such help, because your condition can be corrected and you can constantly look for a more optimal combination of drugs.
The letter sounds desperate, as if no one understands you and does not take into account your characteristics. First of all, try to do everything you can for yourself by seeing a doctor. You can calmly explain to the people in your closest circle how difficult it is for you to be in constant contact, and agree that no one will be offended by this. Friends should and can understand this. Of course, you will need to choose a very calm moment when you open up more and tell how difficult it is to be between two fires - between your condition, the consequences of fatigue and the demands of friendship. Few people will try to break you or force you if you tell everything sincerely, without blaming your friends.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello! In my life there is only work and my parents with whom I live. And also a dog. Everything is great at work, I enjoy building a career, I easily communicate with people, solve problems, show emotions... That is, I have no problems with communication, no fears or insecurities.. I have always had friends, and I still do. .. But I don’t want to communicate with anyone anymore.. Although I really love to communicate.. And I always have something to say, tell, discuss, and so on.. However, I’m tired of adapting to people or something.. Or maybe arguing about about “what I need and what I don’t”, “that it’s time for me to get married” or something else... Any personal conversation ends with negative emotions for me. Either people don’t want to understand me, or I’ve stopped trying to understand them... Sometimes I want to go live in some wilderness with my dog and spend the rest of my days alone with myself in search of harmony. It's the same with men. Previously, I really needed a relationship.. Now I’m even too lazy to start communication - I know how it will end (misunderstanding, incompatibility, tears and separation, well, not now, in a year, 10 years, 20 years.. doesn’t matter). On the one hand, you want to have a socially adequate status, have children and “be like everyone else,” on the other hand, you don’t want to marry the first person you meet! I don't need compromises. If a person doesn’t understand me, then this is not my person, and there is no point in breaking yourself and him, adapting... I want to communicate, but with a “soulmate”, be it a friend or a man.. But, alas, I have been like this for many years I haven’t met... And I think there is every chance that I will spend my whole life alone, I’m even mentally prepared for this, since I’ve already decided that I will either be happy or alone. But this is a little scary... Will I turn into an old maid with mental problems? Is this normal at all? What is the reason for this? Is it worth going against your condition and trying to continue communicating with friends, going out somewhere, making acquaintances and trying to build relationships? Or is there nothing wrong with what is happening?
Psychologist Evgenia Vasilievna Varaksina answers the question.Hello Irina!
Thanks for your letter. Let's try to answer your questions together.
The first thing I would like to point out is the contradictions in your letter (why is this important? - because they reflect the contradictions in your life). You write: “I have always had friends, and still have them...” and at the same time, “I want to communicate, but with a “soulmate,” be it a friend or a man.. But, alas, I haven’t been like that for many years I met..." and "Any personal conversation ends with negative emotions for me." Another point: in your letter you ask a lot of questions aimed at understanding yourself, your condition, and at the same time you write “I don’t need compromises. If a person doesn’t understand me, then this is not my person, and there’s no point in breaking yourself and him, adapting...” .
Can you say that you understand yourself 100%? Most likely no. The process of self-discovery is endless. But if this is so, then is it possible to demand a complete understanding of oneself from another person? You are not ready for compromises. Are you ready for full responsibility for uncompromisingness? Please imagine your life in a year: You are increasingly narrowing your circle of personal communication, closing yourself off and finding mutual understanding less and less. Imagine your whole life in detail: work, parents, dog. Now imagine your life in five years, now in 30-40 years, when your parents will no longer be with you. If everything suits you, why not: every person has the right to choose his own destiny. If something in this view seems uncomfortable to you, there is time to change the model of the future before it becomes the present.
Communication with people is a very delicate thing, in it we learn the art of balance: to open up exactly as much as the other is able to appreciate it and carefully preserve it; say - without saying too much; understand yourself through another, see your qualities in another as in a mirror. By refusing to communicate, we lose many opportunities for development.
If others irritate you by knowing “what you need and what you don’t,” and “that it’s time for you to get married,” perhaps you should see this as a reflection of your uncompromisingness. These people are also uncompromising in their understanding of a correct and happy life, but do you like it? You are right that people often think traditionally and try to impose their life experience and path on others and often even unconsciously want to force them to repeat their mistakes and be just as unhappy. But why does this bother you so much? You can understand what is happening, why people say this, and not let it get into you - “like water off a duck’s back” - why do you get upset from such conversations? and “any personal conversation ends with negative emotions”? You are not obliged to repeat other people's scenarios and other people's lives (especially often not particularly happy ones).
Now you have a vision of life as black and white, either-or. Either remain alone for life, or “marry the first person you meet.” Both options are an extreme, and extremes are dangerous (like temperature changes from -40 to +40 - no asphalt can withstand without damage, let alone a person). Arguing in this logic, you must either not work at all, or get an ideal job: with a wise boss, friendly team, high salary, long vacation; or wear nothing at all, or wear the best dress in the world... Then another question: do you yourself fit the ideal job? For example, you do not understand and do not strive to understand people, but in an ideal job there is a friendly team. Do you know what I mean?
In principle, everything you write about is true: a kindred spirit, complete mutual understanding. no disappointments. Are you the only one who fits this? What kind of complete mutual understanding can we talk about if you no longer want to understand other people? The more we want, the more we must work. Are you ready for this kind of work? After all, in order for your partner not to disappoint, you yourself must be able to never disappoint another. First we must demand it from ourselves, only then do we have the right to want it from another. Are you able to understand another person completely? Then you can safely want it from someone else. Rating 4.99 (46 Votes)
Girls, do you ever feel like you don’t want to communicate with a specific person? Or sometimes with almost no one at all? It happens to me.
I must say that by nature I am still a sociable person. Only there are different cases, circumstances, conditions, moods. Sometimes I think about how many factors influence us, people, and it makes me feel sick! At these moments it seems to me that we are very, very vulnerable, fragile.
Only life dictates its own rules. Sometimes you have to obey them, and not your “want”.
If a person is unpleasant
Luckily for me, there are not a lot of such people. But there are still a few. I don't want to say that they are bad or anything like that. No. Even if they are somehow unpleasant to me, this is more likely my problem than theirs.
I am well aware of the fact that I cannot please everyone, and I also cannot be pleasant to everyone. I also understand that there are no “villains” and “white and fluffy”. More precisely, perhaps they exist, but these are rare cases. Otherwise, we all have our good and bad character traits.
My communication with some people is forced. Of course, you don’t have to talk, for example, with your boss. How long can you stay in place with this behavior? Therefore, you communicate whether you want or not.
With others there is no such compulsion. I just force myself. I don’t want to ignore a person who may not even understand what’s going on. I think this is wrong. So I found another way out for myself. I call this reception royal)))
By this I refer to the royal family and other high-ranking persons who cannot afford to show displeasure. They are always polite and friendly, but at the same time they will never talk about anything really personal. I decided to adopt this behavior for myself precisely for such cases as I described.
Just spring...
There are also completely different cases. For example, like now. Spring. The weather is constantly changing, and I am weather dependent. Fatigue has accumulated from work and some problems that have not yet been resolved.
I must say that I understand perfectly well that the people around me are not to blame for anything here. Only on some days I don’t want to see anyone at all except my husband and my mother. This is the state of a mollusk. I want to crawl into my shell and not stick out)))
I know very well that this condition will pass. But while it is there, we need to do something with it. Therefore, when friends ask for advice, help, or just communication, I “break myself” a little and do what needs to be done.
I think that’s what friends are for, so that in difficult times you can turn to them, and not to strangers. And sometimes one conversation can help a person, dispel his doubts about something or drive away melancholy and sadness. In short, I don’t allow myself to completely shut down even in this difficult time for me psychologically.
How do you think?
As for me, each situation and each person requires an individual approach. I try to reason and act based on the conclusions I have already drawn.
What do you think is necessary? How do you act in such cases?
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6 chosen
It sometimes happens that suddenly or not suddenly, but you want to change your social circle. No, nothing happened, no one offended anyone, didn’t set anyone up, didn’t spread rumors. And nothing seems to have changed radically enough to make one want change. But it’s just that we seem to have stopped understanding each other with these people, they are tiring, the threads that connected us seem to be broken. Why is this happening and how to understand yourself, is it time to update your friends, what do we really need - psychologist Maria Pugacheva will help us find answers to these questions today.
Why does a person need a vacation?..Has anyone thought? And a person has a vacation to relax.
“In principle, we can get tired morally, psychologically, energetically - call it whatever you want - from what is happening around us, what we are doing, with whom we communicate, and so on,” explains Maria Pugacheva. “We are simply tired, simply “exhausted.” Naturally, friends will fall under this condition. Now this is the scourge of our time - general fatigue, especially in megacities, every third person complains about it."
Perhaps you just want peace, some kind of serene rest, immersion in yourself, silence, and not communication on the same topics. So the friends themselves have nothing to do with this and don’t let them be offended, you just need time for proper rest.
Growing organismAnother explanation for such sentiments could be that you have grown in some way, developed personally, or simply began to live in some other social category, ideology, worldview, circumstances, but your friends remained the same. “Of course, now you are not only uninterested with them, but, perhaps, subconsciously uncomfortable in some way. In this case, changing your social circle dramatically, of course, will be difficult and, perhaps, not necessary, but you need to gradually make new acquaintances and comrades,” advises Maria Pugacheva.
Over time, they will become your friends, and those who were such will remain good old friends. Everything will be natural and logical: no one is offended and you have no feelings of guilt.
Take a breakIt happens that we have one problem in life that drags on for months or even years, it weighs heavily on us, we discuss it with friends, they constantly ask how we are doing. At first it helps and supports a lot, but then over time it begins to inexplicably irritate, anger, and burden. “As a result, every time communication with friends becomes, as it were, a reanimation of this problem, a constant reminder of it. And you, perhaps, have long wanted to finally get rid of it, and not perceive yourself in it,” says Maria Pugacheva.
For example, if a woman is unmarried and cannot find a partner for a long time, if someone takes a long time to decide on a divorce, if someone’s business still cannot work, or someone cannot cure a chronic disease. In this case, it is important to ask your friends never to remind you about this again, not to ask how you are doing in this area, not to start conversations about it.
“Well, if it’s really hard for you to be in their circle, then try to get out of it for a while and chat with someone new,” advises Maria Pugacheva. By the way, it is quite possible that your problem will also be solved when you expand the boundaries of your life and your communication.
Has it ever happened to you that you wanted to “break up” with old friends and make new ones? Why do you think this happened, how did you get out of the situation?
When you are in the presence of a truly good person, you feel it. They appear light, positive and radiate a warm light in any situation. But there are people who create tension, and you want to quickly escape from their heavy invisible embrace.
Imagine going to see a doctor you don't know to discuss your recent allergies. You were escorted to the examination room, and you begin to wait for the doctor, full of hopes that now he will help you and save you from your annoying allergies. The door opened and a woman in a white robe came in with a slightly gloomy face. She cast a stern look at you, and you immediately felt like some kind of “wrong” person who had come to distract her with his meager problem. She wrote down the symptoms and wrote out a simple prescription that should solve your problem. A short “goodbye” and she walked out the door.
You are left alone with yourself, and resentment and an unpleasant aftertaste appear in your soul that you were not given due attention and were not given a portion of kindness.
Let's consider another situation. You are working as a team on a project in which each of you offers ideas for improving the work. One of the group members constantly makes insulting remarks about everyone else's ideas - including yours. He is proud of himself, and you are slowly starting to lose your temper.
The easiest thing would be to respond with rudeness to rudeness. That is if you were an unpleasant person. But you are a good person, kind and sympathetic!
And now a dilemma arises: how to communicate with unpleasant people while remaining pleasant to yourself. Fortunately, psychology always finds solutions. There is such a wonderful quality - compliance. It helps you remain kind, sympathetic, straightforward, altruistic, affectionate and humble.
Psychologists offer 4 tips that will help you not to be nervous and not to get angry when confronted with people who have practically no compliance in their behavior. Do not respond to irritability with irritability. It is easy to respond in kind and more difficult to respond with kindness. But, if you can, you will be able to see the good even in an evil person. Ask yourself if you are transferring your negativity onto others. In other words, maybe you are the one in a bad mood right now? If so, then the other person deserves the presumption of innocence. Don't overdo it when trying to cheer the person up. If you overdo it, you can cause the exact opposite reaction or at least suspicion about your true motives. Accept the inevitable, if it really is inevitable. You cannot change your opponent, but you can change your reaction. If you let go of the situation, you will not give the aggressor the opportunity to irritate you and ruin your mood.It would be great if we lived in a world where everyone was white and fluffy. However, there are always people around who are unpleasant to us. It is worth learning not to change people, but simply to communicate with them correctly, while remaining kind and generous.
