How to resolve conflict. How to resolve conflict: effective methods and practical recommendations
Third party lawIn every quarrel in which conflict persists, there must be a (albeit unknown) third party.
For a quarrel to occur, an unknown third party must be active in inciting it between two potential opponents.
Despite the popular belief that two people are enough to start a fight, in fact there must be a third participant who sets the stage for real conflict to occur.
The third participant is usually a “quite reasonable person” and it is difficult to suspect him of anything; he stands aside and denies any personal relationship to the conflict. But it was he who, first of all, did everything to create the conflict and maintain it. The hidden third party may sometimes seem to support only one side of the conflict, but in fact, it is he who is the instigator of the quarrel.
If you trace the history of the conflict, you can get absolutely incredible information. This kind of information is too easy to dismiss. To hide something, you need to make it implausible. To find a third party, you need to ask those involved in the conflict the following types of questions:
1 . Have you been told that someone is treating you badly/that someone is a bad person/that someone is doing wrong/that some group is bad? 2. What was said? 3. Who said this?
Introduce a limiter into your questions like: “In this family is ___?”, “In your married life is ___?”, “At your job is ____?” and so on.
If you collect all the names listed and count how many times each appears, you will find that one name is mentioned more often than others. By following this procedure, you will discover exactly who instigated the conflicts, and thus create the possibility of their resolution.
Based on the works of L. Ron Hubbard
Conflicts arise everywhere: at home, at work, on the street. Knowledge, how to resolve conflicts and how to deal with them and come out of the conflict in a good mood will help you improve the quality of your life, at the same time your nerves will be in order.
When conflict arises
If a conflict arises, you need to remember that there are always two people involved. And regardless of the number of participants, both sides are to blame. Even if it seems to you that the other side is completely wrong, you will have to believe that those who subconsciously want it are always drawn into the conflict.
So, if you still haven’t been able to prevent an ordinary dispute from escalating into a conflict, then let’s Let's try to resolve the current conflict:
1. Take the first step
The stupider is the one who is more stubborn. Quarrels, shouting, negative emotions - all this destroys you and your interlocutor, especially on the physical level, destroying the nervous system, not to mention the psychological level. If a person screams, it is always only out of fear. This cannot be stopped unless one of the parties takes the first step. You do it. In no case will this mean that you are weaker or have given in. On the contrary, it will show how strong you are and strive for self-control. It is impossible to piss off a strong person; there is nothing to grab him by, because he is confident in himself. But this confidence, it is not born out of nowhere, it can be learned and developed precisely in such situations, in practice.
2. Stop the accusations
When you're trying to diffuse a conflict, don't make it personal. Even if you decide to reconcile, even if you lower your tone, but still continue to communicate in a negative way, this will not resolve the conflict. First of all, focus on the good qualities of your partner/spouse/interlocutor. Tell him about it, it always immediately resets the negativity. But remember that this should not be flattery, but sincere thoughts about the other person. Surely you have a couple of thoughts about why you like your interlocutor. Share this and stop blaming a person for all mortal sins. The best tactic is the following: lowering the tone - the desire to get out of the conflict and publicly announcing this - a compliment to the opponent (it turns out that he is not so bad) - an explanation of your feelings.
You need to understand the difference between explaining your feelings and making complaints. The latter are always spoken in a negative way with notes of accusations against another. When you share your feelings, you are trying to explain to the other something that he cannot understand. But in a state of non-conflict, you will be heard. When a conflict occurs, everyone hears only themselves, and when people meet each other, they express a desire to understand the other.
3. Apologize
It happens that you were heard, understood, accepted, and asked for forgiveness for a mistake. And you felt inner relief that you were out of the conflict. But take it one step further conflict resolution- ask for forgiveness correctly. It doesn’t matter who was initially to blame, you took part in the quarrel, which means that in any case you spoiled the other’s nerves. Apologize for this. You will get rid of a large negative burden and put an end to the problem, and the relationship will only benefit from this. If it so happens that you are the culprit of the conflict and decided to apologize, but the other does not respond with an apology in return, then do not worry about it. It's just that not everyone is ready yet.
Remember that all our problems are due to our own fears and self-doubt, which, by the way, can be easily overcome, and not because everyone around us is evil.
When you find yourself in conflict, it is very difficult to control yourself. Emotions can run high, especially if you have never learned to manage them. But ask yourself a question: what is more important to me – to prove that I’m right or to save the relationship? There is no need to pretend to be a victim and smooth out the problem by infringing on your rights, but you also do not need to infringe on the rights of others. Come out of the conflict with dignity, having understood something new for yourself from resolved conflict. After all, this is why conflicts are given to us.
In order for quarrels not to develop into a protracted conflict, a woman must learn to stop the argument at the right moment and calm the man down. It is necessary to be able to find the right approach and try to smooth out the conflict and make peace in the shortest possible time. If you know your character well, this will not be a problem for you. 15 minutes is quite enough time to make peace with a man, no matter how terrible and violent your quarrel was. In the end, a smart and cunning woman always knows when she should give in to a man, show her weakness and defenselessness, ask for forgiveness and gently press herself to a man’s chest...
How to smooth out the conflict?
Wait - ask for forgiveness? No way! This is such an unpleasant experience, even humiliating, especially when you are really to blame!.. But is it possible to somehow do without ritually asking for forgiveness? Of course, you just need to know which buttons in a man’s soul to press and which levers to pull in order to smooth out the conflict and pacify his anger and resentment and force him to apologize to you. Or you can learn simple manipulations that would help turn a quarrel into a joke and also smooth out the conflict. In general, reconciliation can be a very exciting experience if you approach this matter wisely and ingeniously. Women are given cunning by nature, so you just need to be able to use the peculiar manifestation of the mind for its intended purpose!
Wrap a man around your pretty finger and enjoy the result: a quarrel, skillfully suppressed in the bud or taken in another direction, is a clear indicator of your ability to control a man. It is believed that a man is the head and a woman is his neck; So turn your “head” in the direction you want! Just do it gently and carefully so that the man does not guess who plays the first violin in your relationship!
Let's get back to reconciliation. There is a saying that says that a bad peace is better than a good quarrel. It is unlikely that the statement is 100% true, but in most cases hostility is really tiring, which means that you have to raise the white flag and go with it to the enemy’s camp, i.e. ask a man for forgiveness or seek reconciliation in any other way. So let's look at several options for how to resolve conflicts.
How to smooth out a conflict in a situation: “I won’t sleep with you!..”
Battlefield: apartment, cottage, cottage, room or any other place where you are alone with your loved one. The atmosphere is intimate and conducive to closeness.
Tactical miss: you just did such a stupid thing that you immediately regretted - having been offended by a man over a trifle or finding fault with some of his innocent phrases, you sharply told him that you were not going to sleep with him (options are possible: you don’t want to go to bed with into bed with him because you are “tired of doing this nonsense” and besides, “all men only need one thing!”).
Losing actions: in order to smooth out the conflict, you began to make excuses and babble that you didn’t mean what you said at all, that you were simply offended by the man and that’s the only reason you were so categorical, and that if he apologizes right away, you will definitely sleep with him; or strike a pose and fulfill your promise. Be that as it may, none of the behavior options will bring you anything good.
your sincere desire to correct the situation and show the man that words are just words, and nothing more. In addition, do not forget about such a powerful means of influencing a man as erotic lingerie, the delicate aroma of perfume, skillful and moderate cosmetics and other feminine things. All this needs to be put into action immediately, fluff your feathers as soon as the fatal words fall from your lips... Perhaps your non-verbal signals will somewhat soften the negative meaning of your phrase! Sometimes men ignore even very important information, unless, of course, their eyes are busy looking at beautiful female legs or breasts. Why not try it? It definitely won’t get any worse!
Attack: decisive, smoothly turning into protracted hostilities. In other words, in order to make a man forget your careless words, or at least not attach much importance to them, you need... consciously change the meaning of your phrase. This is quite simple to do; the main thing is to skillfully pretend that everything was originally intended to be so. It’s not difficult to convince a man of this - stay confident and calm, don’t panic or fuss, strictly follow the plan, and victory is guaranteed! Look carefully into the man’s eyes and repeat your words two or three times, gradually changing the intonation from rude to mockingly tender, thereby giving your statement a fundamentally different sound: “I won’t sleep with you!.. Yes, I won’t sleep with you.” I will... Anything, just don’t sleep...” Accompany the last words with a playful smile.
Effect: awesome and quite fast. If you do not prolong the attack, if your words are convincing and provocative, if your man is smart and intelligent, the quarrel will be hushed up and forgotten in record time. short time– not even in 15 minutes, but in 5 minutes! The main thing is to never take back your words! Let them not stand between you, but help you. And sex is a wonderful means of reconciliation, any man will confirm this to you!
How to smooth out conflict in a situation: “First attempt... Second attempt!”
Battlefield: your apartment, hallway, evening, intimate setting, the two of you, the man is about to leave, you see him off at the door.
Tactical miss: the man showed persistence in caresses and you rather rudely refused him, breaking away from his embrace and dodging the kisses. Of course, you had a reason to do this (for example, you are on your menstrual days and you simply physically cannot reciprocate a man’s feelings; or your strict upbringing does not allow you to open your feelings so soon after meeting him; or maybe you are terribly unpleasant this man).
Losing actions: in order to smooth out the conflict, you decided to rush to the man, grab him by the sleeve and tearfully ask him to stay, sit “at least a little longer”; or proudly raise his head and say that he can go all fours if he is “like that”! In the first option, you run the risk of seeming intrusive and pathetic to a man, and in the second, he may think that you treat him with disdain, with cold contempt and that you are completely indifferent to him. If you don't want to make a bad impression on a man, avoid these two extremes.
Weapons that will help smooth out the conflict: oddly enough, it is a smile, kind and a little sad, a gaze (eye to eye) and emphasized restraint, friendliness, I would even say, mystery. It is not very difficult to look mysterious: you need to stay a little distant, but not coldly, gestures and movements should be spare, neat, and poses should be elegant. A man should get the impression that your thoughts are somewhere in the clouds or that you have completely withdrawn into yourself. For some reason, this makes the stronger sex tense and acts on them like a magnet. Be that as it may, in this situation you simply have to put on a mysterious look.
Attack: careful, precisely calculated, similar to a foray behind enemy lines. To begin with, silently escort the angry man to the door, give him the opportunity to get dressed, do not stop him and do not explain the reason for your behavior. Just look at him sadly, as if you know something that your guest doesn’t know. However, do not wait until the very last moment - there is nothing you can do to stop a man if he resolutely grabs the door handle. This means that you need to speak a little earlier, for example, when he is lacing his shoes. Come close to him and in a quiet voice ask him something like this: “Do you know that the first pancake always turns out lumpy? Strange pattern, isn't it? But the second one always comes out smooth and beautiful!..” or “The first attempt was unsuccessful, but you will definitely be lucky the second time!” Just keep in mind that you need to say this seriously, as if thoughtfully, and under no circumstances smile, otherwise the man will decide that, to top it all off, you’re mocking him!
It is necessary to distinguish conflict situations and conflicts. A conflict situation is the emergence of disagreements, i.e. a clash of desires, opinions, interests. A conflict situation occurs during a discussion or argument. A dispute is a discussion when its participants do not just discuss a problem, but are “vitally” interested in solving it in their favor if the other side disagrees.
However, a dispute, as well as a discussion, is characterized by both sides respecting each other and showing tact.
Hindu philosophers introduced the following rule of argument. Each of the interlocutors must first state the idea of his opponent in the dispute, and only after receiving confirmation that he understood everything correctly can he refute it. His interlocutor must repeat the essence of these objections and, having received confirmation that they are understood correctly, can present a counter-objection.
IN conflict situation you need to adhere to several rules, to which
relate:
Limitation of the subject of the dispute; uncertainty and the transition from a specific issue to a general one make it difficult to reach agreement;
Taking into account the level of knowledge and competence of the opposite party in this matter; if there is a large difference in the level of competence, an argument or discussion will be unproductive, and if an incompetent arguer is stubborn, it can develop into a conflict;
Taking into account the degree of emotional excitability and restraint of the opposite side; if the participants in the dispute are easily emotionally excitable and stubborn, the dispute will inevitably develop into a conflict;
Monitoring that in the heat of an argument does not proceed to assessing each other’s personal qualities.
If these rules are not followed, the dispute develops into a conflict. Conflict- these are mutual negative relationships that arise when desires and opinions collide; These are disagreements between people weighed down by emotional tension and “showdowns.”
Thus, any conflict reflects a clash of interests and opinions, but not every clash of positions and confrontation of opinions and desires are a conflict. Despite the emotional charge of discussion and dispute, they may not turn into conflict if both sides, striving to find the truth, consider the essence of the issue, and not finding out “who is who.” Of course, in any discussion there is a hidden “spark” of conflict, but in order for “the spark to ignite a flame,” certain conditions are needed.
Phases of conflict development
There are two phases of conflict development: constructive and destructive.
For constructive phase of the conflict characterized by dissatisfaction with oneself, the opponent, the conversation, and joint activities. It manifests itself, on the one hand, in the style of conversation - an increased emotional tone of speech, reproaches, excuses, ignoring the partner’s reaction, and on the other hand, in non-speech characteristics of behavior: avoiding conversation, stopping or disrupting joint activities, confusion, sudden increase in distance with a communication partner, adopting a closed posture, looking away, unnatural facial expressions and gestures.
At the same time, the conversation remains within the framework of a business discussion, disagreements do not become irreversible, and opponents control themselves.
Destructive phase of conflict begins when the mutual dissatisfaction of opponents with each other, with the methods of resolving the issue, with the results of joint activities exceeds a certain critical threshold and joint activities or communication become uncontrollable.
This phase can have two stages. The first is psychologically characterized by the desire to overestimate one’s own capabilities and underestimate the opponent’s capabilities, to assert oneself at his expense. It is also associated with the unfoundedness of critical remarks, with disparaging remarks, glances, and gestures towards the opponent. These reactions are perceived by the latter as personal insults and cause opposition, i.e. response conflict behavior.
If those in conflict do not change their relationship tactics, then such clashes become systematic, and the negativism of the subjects becomes more and more persistent. A chronic conflict arises, characterizing the second stage of the destructive phase.
Outcomes of conflict situations
The outcomes of conflict situations can be different: preventing conflict, avoiding conflict, smoothing it out, coming to a compromise, the emergence of confrontation, coercion.
Preventing conflict between a teacher and students depends mainly on himself. First of all, the teacher must, when conflict situation do not allow prerequisites on your part for the development of a conflict: speak calmly with the student and, changing the student’s attitude to something, convince him, and not order. The teacher must take care of the conditions under which his demand can be fulfilled. It is inappropriate to make demands too often, and it is better to replace the order form of their expression with other forms if possible. For example, a requirement in the form of a question (“Did you do at home what I told you last time?”) is perceived by students as a form of control, and not as a teacher’s requirement. The requirement can be expressed in the form of a statement, a belief that the student, of course, did what he was told.
To prevent conflicts, experienced teachers use individual conversations with students, during which they clarify their positions and explain theirs.
In this case, the teacher needs:
1) show attention to the student, respect, sympathy for him, tolerance for his weaknesses, restraint, calm tone;
2) construct phrases so that they evoke a neutral or positive reaction from the student;
3) constantly provide feedback to the student, look him in the eyes, monitor changes in his posture and facial expressions;
4) slightly delay the pace of the conversation if the student is excited or speaks from F
too fast;
5) try to mentally put yourself in the student’s place and understand what
events brought him to this state;
6) let the student speak out, do not interrupt or try to talk over him;
7) reduce the social distance, approach and lean towards him, touch him, smile;
8) emphasize the commonality of goals and interests, show the student interest in solving his problem;
9)emphasize the student’s best qualities that will help him overcome conflict situation, cope with your condition.
However, not in all cases the conflict can be prevented. The teacher's justified dissatisfaction, his resentment towards the students, which he could not restrain, or the student's unwillingness to understand the necessity of the teacher's demands lead to interpersonal conflict. Then the teacher has another task - to extinguish
conflict that has arisen, prevent it from developing into a chronic conflict and being drawn into it by other students or the entire class.
Avoiding conflict as a way to resolve a conflict situation - this is an avoidance of resolving a contradiction that has arisen, citing lack of time, inappropriateness, untimeliness of the dispute, etc. This method should be used to avoid bringing the conversation to a conflict. However, such an outcome is simply postponing the resolution of the conflict situation. The accused party avoids an open confrontation, allows the opposite party to “cool down,” ease mental tension, and think over their claims. Sometimes there is also a hope that over time everything will sort itself out (this is most often observed among young teachers and teachers with extensive experience waiting to retire). However, when a new reason appears, the conflict flares up again.
Smoothing out the conflict - this is agreement with the claims, but “only for this moment.” The “accused” tries in this way to calm the partner down and relieve emotional excitement. He says that he was misunderstood, that there are no special reasons for the conflict, that he did not do something because of unexpectedly new circumstances. However, this does not mean that he accepted the claims and understood the essence of the conflict. It’s just that at the moment he is showing agreement and loyalty.
Smoothing cannot save the situation indefinitely, but, used rarely and not for the same reason, it allows you to relieve tension in relationships at the moment. However, after some time, the maneuver of the “accused” will be revealed and reproaches will fall on him again: “I promised, but again everything is the same...”
Therefore, such tactics are bad because they can undermine the partner’s trust.
Compromise- this is the adoption of the most acceptable decision for both parties through an open discussion of opinions and positions. Compromise excludes unilateral coercion into one single option, as well as postponing the resolution of the conflict. Its advantage lies in the mutual equality of rights and obligations accepted by each party voluntarily, and openness
claims against each other.
Confrontation- this is a tough confrontation between the parties to each other, when neither of them accepts the position of the other. The danger of confrontation is that partners can resort to personal insults when all reasonable arguments are exhausted. Despite the fact that such an outcome of a conflict situation is unfavorable, it allows partners to see each other’s strengths and weaknesses and understand the interests of the parties (“this means that not everything is smooth in my position”).
Confrontation makes you think, doubt, and look for new ways out of the deadlock.
Often confrontation occurs when you overestimate yourself and underestimate your communication partner, which is typical for egocentrics: “It seems like you’re saying obvious things, but he doesn’t understand!” - the teacher is indignant. However, he does not take into account a number of points. A thing can only be obvious to him; the student has a different point of view on this matter, and the position expressed by the teacher contradicts his interests, attitudes, habits, and customs.
Compulsion- this is a tactic of straightforwardly imposing on a person the solution option that suits the leader, parent, teacher. Coercion quickly and decisively eliminates the causes of discontent, but at the same time it is the most unfavorable outcome for maintaining good relations.
Admitting your mistake or wrong. If the cause of the conflict was incorrect behavior or an erroneous statement by a leader, parent, teacher, which caused disagreement on the other side, then the conflict can be resolved by admitting your mistake.
Outcomes considered conflict situations and conflicts have different effects on both the mood of communication partners and the stability of their relationships.
In this sense, the most effective is the prevention of conflicts, but the outcomes of “admitting a mistake,” “smoothing out,” and “compromise” are also favorable.
The article was prepared using the book by Ilyin E. P. “Psychology of communication and interpersonal relationships.”
Knowing how to resolve conflicts is the first step to effective communication at home or at work.
Relationships where conflicts periodically arise, with subsequent clarification of the situation, are considered more prosperous compared to those where there are no conflicts at all.
This statement shows the true essence of conflict, which can both destroy and strengthen relationships.
Types of response in a conflict situation
Most common style response to conflict- This is the avoidance or denial of conflict as such. In this case, the conflict is pushed into the background by its participants, but continues to “accompany” them in any general interactions, creating the potential for further tension and even greater conflict.
Second common reaction to conflict- blame your partner for everything and shift responsibility for what is happening onto him, and go on the offensive yourself. This is possible when participants mistakenly confuse conflict with the opportunity to “freely” express their negative emotions. Letting off steam does not help resolve the conflict, but only contributes to increasing friction and disagreements between its participants.
The third style is not as popular as the first two, as it requires participants to use force to defeat each other. In this case, the “stronger partner” is always happy about the conflict, because in the proceedings he manages to realize his competitive impulses, although the conflict itself remains unresolved. In the same way, some people declare their willingness to compromise, although in fact conflicts are beneficial for such people for one reason or another, and they are simply manipulating their partner.
Is there an alternative?
The general principle of successful resolution of any conflict is that the parties to the conflict perceive it as a situation that they can solve together. In this case, both parties benefit because they are able to find a solution acceptable to both. This principle is easy in theory, but often difficult in practice, as it requires the application of force.
Your personal reaction plays a primary role in how events will develop further. Someone can be so absorbed in their own interests that, using force, they can destroy even the strongest relationships in a couple of moments. But if, on the contrary, someone is accustomed to always giving in only because he avoids any conflict, then he thereby informs the other that he can be ignored and not taken into account at all.
How to resolve conflict effectively?
As soon as you find yourself in a conflict, it is important not to get excited and let your emotions cool down, this will allow you to cope with the disagreements that arise on a rational level, and then use one of the techniques:
Psychological shock absorption
A term from the course of the School of Psychological Aikido.
If a partner is angry and aggressive, then the best way to escape from direct fire is to simply agree with the partner’s arguments. As soon as you discover some truth in your opponent's arguments, immediately agree with them.
For example: “Yes, I agree with you, I also wish I had been more responsible and called you last night, as I promised.”
Your partner's accusations may be completely baseless, but you better agree that each of us has our own perception of the same thing. This does not mean that by agreeing, you sacrifice your own principles, you simply accept the position of the other and his right to his opinion. Sometimes a big victory requires small defeats.
Complicity
Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, look at the world through their eyes, let the other person feel heard. You can verbally tell your partner that you understand what he is trying to tell you, do this by restating his own words. For example: “I understand that now you are talking about losing trust in me.”
Or you can let your partner know that you understand their feelings. At the same time, it is important to never attribute your emotions to another person (“now you are upset and angry”), but to express your assumptions about how the other person might feel. For example: “It seems to me that you are now feeling angry and irritated because of what happened. Is it so?".
Attention
At the same time, talk about yourself and your feelings from the position of “I” and not “You”: “I feel disappointed because of what happened between us” is more effective than: “You disappointed me.”
Stroking
Show your respect for your partner, even if he is angry with you. For example: “I respect your courage to discuss this issue with me” or “I admire your courage.”
Conflict resolution model
1. Identify the problem and discuss it with your partner. Find common ground and reasons for disagreement, clarify your positions.
2. Brainstorming phase. Find several solutions. Start with what you both agree on and what you both want to achieve. Include as many possible solutions as you can think of, regardless of whether they are realistic or not.
3. Now analyze the solutions. To do this, carefully study the compiled list and find your pros and cons for each solution. Do this until there are only one or two best solutions to your problem left.
4. Choose the solution that seems most suitable, even if it is not ideal.
5. Implement the solution. Discuss with your partner the details of the implementation of the accepted agreement. Insure yourself and also agree on actions in case of force majeure.
6. Conflict is a process, so it doesn’t hurt to ask your partner from time to time how he is doing with the agreements he has made. Maybe it's time to enter into a new agreement or add something to an existing one.
Quote/aphorism
E. Cleaver: “Either you are part of the solution, or you are part of the problem.”
