How to remove psychological dependence on a person? Mental dependence.

In this article you will learn everything about how to get rid of addiction to a person. Dependence is the lack of one’s own usefulness, completeness, and the desire to fill this missing part with another person. Read about what type of addiction you have, how addiction differs from love, and how to get rid of addiction to a person and start building only healthy relationships.

Find out your addiction type

Here are the two most common types of addiction:

Dependence as a desire to dissolve in a partner, refusal of one’s own responsibility and determination. The main idea: “I don’t exist without you.” The feeling of being part of another, the feeling that your partner is much better, stronger, more interesting than you. People of this type are prone to masochism.
Dependence as a desire to devour a partner, dominate him, control him. Main idea: “You are just a part of me.” The desire to dominate a partner, to absorb his individuality. People of this type are prone to sadism.

All types of addiction have approximately the same causes. And the ways to get out of this state into a healthy relationship are also approximately the same for all types of addiction.

Causes of addiction

One of the most common reasons for dependence in relationships is childhood dislike. It is generally accepted that a child should love his parents. But at the same time, it often happens that mom or dad punish, insult the child, or notice him only when, in their opinion, he deserves attention.

A mother may, for example, send conflicting signals to her child: “I punish you because I love you” or “I criticize and humiliate you, but only so that you become better, because I love you.” A child's instinct is to run to his mother in any situation. She is the most precious and most valuable thing he has. She alone will always protect and help. But if at the same time she insults, humiliates or even beats the child, then he develops a distorted idea of love. Love in his mind will be associated with danger, fear, anxiety, negative emotions and feelings.

Such a child learns to beg for crumbs of love from his mother (or father), and in his head, love looks exactly like this - it is always not enough, and it goes side by side with suffering. The child becomes accustomed to the scenario: “I will suffer a little, suffer, and then my mother will show her love for me. Mom will punish me, insult me, spank me, reject me, but then I will receive the long-awaited hugs.”

And the child, not seeing before his eyes another model of love other than this, begins to think that this is love. This is how addiction is born. A child with such a mother will transfer the love given to him in childhood to love relationships in adulthood. Perhaps he will take on the role of the mother (which is described here), or perhaps he will remain in the role of the child, begging for pitiful grains of love from his partner.

Differences between addiction and love

Love is a huge resource, thanks to which we grow and develop, experience joy and happiness, and achieve great heights. Dependency is a union in which you are boiled, like a frog in a saucepan, the water in which is slowly heating up. At first you will feel warm and pleasant, but over time you will feel unwell. After some more time, you will be cooked without even thinking about jumping out. And all because you were cooked slowly, unobtrusively and unnoticed.

Dependent relationships differ from love in that in them you suffer and suffer, like that frog in a hot pan. Your level of happiness in a relationship is the main indicator of whether you are in a loving or dependent relationship. If you feel like a happy person in a relationship, then most likely it is love. And if you suffer most of the time in a relationship, then most likely you have a love addiction.

How to get rid of addiction to a person - 7 steps:

Now let's discuss how to get rid of addiction to a person. I present to you seven effective steps to getting rid of addiction. After going through them, you will learn to live a full life and will henceforth build only harmonious and healthy relationships:

Step #1: Become Aware

The first thing you need to do to get out of addiction is to realize and accept that you have it. You must tell your brain firmly and confidently that you have an addiction and today you have decided to start getting rid of it. This step is no less important than the others because your brain has been conditioned from early childhood to think that this is love, not addiction. Tell your subconscious that it has been wrong for a long time. But now you know the whole truth and are ready for changes.

Step #2: Make a decision

The next step is the decision to leave the toxic relationship you are currently in, or the decision to change yourself while continuing to remain in this union. If you decide to change without leaving the relationship, your partner will either come to you and change too (if you are truly dear to him), or fall off like the bark from an old tree.
Dependent relationships in a couple are always supported by both partners.

This could be a union, for example, “tyrant-victim” or “narcissist-victim”. In such a couple, both people perform a role that helps maintain dependency in the relationship. And if one of the partners suddenly begins to leave the role of a dependent, then the second will be out of work. He will either have to change too for the sake of a healthy relationship, or leave this union. Therefore, the second step that you need to take to get out of an addictive relationship is to leave your partner, or accept that, if left out of work, he will most likely leave on his own.

Step #3: Stop tolerating

Dependent people who strive to dissolve in their partner, to become a part of him, tend to be “tolerant.” When they don’t like something, they prefer not to express their dissatisfaction out loud and remain silent. In order to unlearn this habit, practice and constant training are important. You need to practice saying “no,” asserting your boundaries, not tolerating what you don’t like, and, if possible, not doing what you don’t want to do.

If you want to learn this as soon as possible, start running into situations yourself in which you will need to defend your point of view and say “no.” For example, when you're grocery shopping at the supermarket, put something in your cart that you don't need. And when the cashier returns the goods, say that you have changed your mind. You don't want to buy it.

The first few times will not be easy at all, but confidence will come with a certain number of repetitions. The first time you may not decide to do this at all, and you will have to buy an unnecessary product. But by the fifth or sixth time, you will feel like you are finally finding your own boundaries. It becomes easier and easier for you to defend your point of view.

Practice on random passers-by, sales consultants, promoters with leaflets, friends, acquaintances, relatives, colleagues and, of course, your partner. Don't be afraid to offend anyone. Confident people do this all the time, so why are you worse? I have another article on this topic -. If you don’t know how to assert your boundaries and say “no,” then be sure to read it.

Step #4: Fill the Void

When you are in a dependent relationship, you are facing your partner and your back is to yourself. Your personal life is now far from being in the first place for you; the life of your chosen one is much more important. So turn 180 degrees and look at your own life. Dependency is when a partner gives you something that you do not give to yourself. It’s as if there’s an emptiness in your soul, and your partner fills this emptiness with his presence. This emptiness is self-dislike. Start today to fill that hole with love. Take a piece of paper and a pen and write a list of what your chosen one gives you. Maybe joy? Feeling needed? Or, for example, care? Gives you a feeling of trepidation in your soul?

Try to write a long list and then look at each item and think about the last time you gave it to yourself. Yesterday? Or maybe never? Starting today, start giving yourself everything you didn’t give before. Remember: respect, love, interest, care are mutual feelings. Only those who respect themselves are respected. They take care of those who take care of themselves. They show sincere interest in those who are interesting to themselves. They love only those who love themselves. Healthy relationships are built on those feelings that each partner already knows how to give to himself. Start respecting, loving, caring for yourself, and taking an interest in yourself.

From now on, do with yourself everything that you previously could only get from your partner. They will help you with this. And don't forget to download my book How to Love Yourself. In it, I collected the most effective and working techniques with the help of which I once learned to love myself, raised my self-esteem and increased my self-confidence. This book will help you get rid of addiction and become a free, whole and happy person.

Step #5: Know yourself

Start getting to know yourself again. To do this, write a list of one hundred things that bring you joy and a list of one hundred “wants.” What gives you joy and pleasure? What do you want?

Write these two lists (be sure to get up to one hundred items in each!). You may not be able to do this in one go. But don’t you dare abandon this matter! Once you have a few items from each list ready, start incorporating them into your daily plan. At least one of each. Learn to fulfill your desires yourself and bring yourself joy. This way you will soon free yourself from addiction and become a full-fledged person.

Step #6: Become an independent person

Most often, someone who is in a dependent relationship is also in the role of a victim. Who is a victim in a relationship? I have a story about this, but in short, this is a person who is dissatisfied with the relationship, suffers in it, but does not get out of it. He either complains or silently lives life not the way he would like.

Especially for those who are in dependent relationships and in the role of victim, I made a video course - this is a 1-hour video consisting of practical tasks and exercises, after completing which you will stop allowing people and circumstances to control you, learn to defend yourself, speak out loud about what does not suit you, you will stop depending on anyone and become an independent, full-fledged person.

The cost of the video course is 1800 rubles. instead of 4000 rub. until the end of this week. By purchasing the video course now, you also get a bonus: I will personally accompany you, answer your questions while you complete the course. This condition is limited in time.

To purchase the course, write to me on any social media. network or in “I want a course”. You can also ask any questions in a social network convenient for you. network or in form. You can read and leave reviews about me and my work.

On one side of the scale lies fear - on the other there is always freedom!

Step #7: Start building harmonious relationships

In order to get rid of a toxic relationship, you can get out of it and learn to love yourself and give yourself the love that you have always been missing. But how can you check that you have already gotten rid of the dependent position one hundred percent? If you did not leave your partner and made changes on yourself while remaining in the relationship, then your feelings should change to the opposite. There should be no more room for suffering in a relationship. When you are with your partner, you should feel at ease and free. Happy, joyful and calm.

Mature and conscious people look for those who themselves can be happy. They are more willing to enter into relationships with those who are self-sufficient. A psychologically mature person unconsciously thinks about a potential partner: “If she is happy, then she can make me happy. If she is joyful, then she knows how to generate this joy, and she can teach me this too.”

People already have a lot of problems of their own. Conscious people, unlike addicts, enter into relationships to become happier. Therefore, after you go through all the suggested steps and enter into a new relationship, you will attract an equally mature person to you, because someone who likes to suffer has nothing to do with someone who knows how to generate happiness.

Conclusion

I am glad if you read this article completely, because now you know perfectly well how to get rid of addiction to a person. Start acting immediately, and then very soon you will forget about what it means to suffer in a relationship. Let's summarize:

Realize and accept the fact that you depend on a person. Tell your brain that this is wrong and you want to get rid of it. After this, the brain will begin to look for opportunities to change the situation
Decide to leave the relationship or accept the fact that your partner will likely leave soon. He was in an addictive relationship with you, and when you free yourself from addiction, he will remain out of work
Learn to assert your boundaries and say “no”

Write a list of things your partner gives you that you don't give to yourself. Now you just have to start giving it to yourself
Make two lists of one hundred items each. In the first, write everything that brings you joy, and in the second, write your “wants”. And begin to gradually introduce all these points into your daily diet. Start giving yourself what you need and what’s useful.
Go through my practical video course on how to get out of the role of a victim and become an independent person. Full course description.
Start building new relationships or start tracking how you feel in the relationships you are currently in. How happy are you on a scale from 1 to 100? Are you suffering in this relationship? In this relationship or in the next, you must track how much you have changed and whether the position of a dependent person is still characteristic of you

And don't forget to download my book How to Love Yourself. It will be a great helper on your way to getting rid of addiction, and will also help make your life happier.

It is almost impossible to get rid of addiction on your own, because this process is mostly unconscious. Therefore, the next step should be to contact a specialist. I am a psychologist, and you can contact me for an individual consultation. I will be happy to help you get rid of addiction and become an independent, full-fledged person.

You can make an appointment with me for a consultation through in contact with, instagram or . You can get acquainted with the cost of services and the work scheme. You can read or leave reviews about me and my work.

Subscribe to my Instagram And YouTube channel. There's a lot of useful stuff there!

Good luck to you!
Your psychologist Lara Litvinova

Mental dependence

Mental dependence syndrome- drug addiction syndrome, which appears at a certain stage of the development of the disease, including mental (obsessive) attraction and the ability to achieve a state of mental comfort in intoxication. The appearance of mental dependence syndrome during drug addiction is preceded by a syndrome of altered reactivity.

Mental (obsessive) attraction is expressed in constant thoughts about the drug, depression, dissatisfaction in the absence of the drug, elation in anticipation of taking the drug. An obsessive drive determines the emotional background, but is not capable (unlike a physical, compulsive drive) to completely occupy the entire content of consciousness and dictate behavior. At the stage of the disease, when an obsessive drive is formed, there is still a struggle of motives. Obsessive drive is aggravated in conflict situations, unpleasant experiences that are not causally related to drug addiction, when visiting places, meeting people, reading literature, and conversations related to drug addiction. Attraction may weaken in conflict situations that are causally related to drug addiction, the emergence of a strong passion, or a state of positive emotional saturation. Obsessive cravings are nonspecific, that is, they can be completely satisfied by another drug, which is the second main difference between obsessive cravings and compulsive cravings.

Obsessive desire, being one of the early symptoms of the disease, is difficult to identify, since in the vast majority of cases there is a patient’s dissimulation attitude.

Obsessive desire is at the same time the most long-lasting and difficult to eliminate symptom of the disease. With the development of the disease and the appearance of more pronounced signs of drug addiction, such as compulsive cravings, withdrawal symptoms, obsessive cravings recede into the background. However, in a state of remission after the removal of acute symptoms and relative physical well-being, the obsessive desire continues to exist to the same degree of severity as before treatment. In the vast majority of cases, mental attraction to drugs is the main and only cause of constant relapses of the disease.

The ability to achieve a state of mental comfort during intoxication is not synonymous with euphoria; it means not so much the experience of pleasure as an escape from a state of displeasure. If a healthy person is able to feel pleasure in many situations, including in a state of drug intoxication, then a drug addict is able to feel pleasure only when using a drug. At the same time, if the mental functions of a healthy person in a state of drug intoxication are impaired, then the mental functions of the drug addict, being low outside of intoxication, improve after taking the drug. The symptom of satisfactory mental functioning in a state of intoxication is observed in almost all forms of drug addiction, with the exception of the abuse of certain psychedelics (LSD), the use of which always disorganizes the psyche.

Emotional dependence in relationships

Emotional dependence is officially recognized as a disease, and there are also established facts that 98 percent of people tend to create dependent (in varying degrees of manifestation) relationships. In a relationship, there may be emotional dependence on a woman, on a man, on parents, on a friend (anyone with whom there is significant emotional contact).

The causes of emotional dependence find their roots in deep childhood and are associated with the psychological trauma of being ignored, rejected, or another type of connection with a parent, in which emotional contact was grossly violated or absent. From this inherent rejection, two types of dependent behavior are formed - either avoidance of excessive closeness and openness or the desire for maximum closeness with the dissolution of one’s own personality in favor of the interests of the partner.

Children growing up with problems with emotional dependence are most often raised in dysfunctional families, where direct discussion of conflict or controversial situations was impossible, and more often than not, all participants in the process pretended that there was no problem. Some traits of codependency are introduced into a person by society and religion, which cultivate the idea that you need to be comfortable, obedient, correct, and then you will be loved and protected.

For such people, perceiving the reality of the manifestation of close relationships instead of their fantasy can be unbearably painful, and, nevertheless, they will subconsciously choose from all the people they meet as partners those who are also inclined to build codependent relationships, so that when they re-experience the trauma, they will try heal her. In addition to the underlying emotional causes of codependency, there are those that can activate codependent behavior. This is living for more than six months with a person who has some type of addiction (alcohol, gaming, drugs); It is believed that this is exactly the amount of time it takes to master codependent behaviors, which, one way or another, turn on when living with an addict.

In a codependent relationship, there is a predetermined scenario in which roles are pre-assigned. These may include the roles of abuser and victim, active and interested in the relationship, and jaded and avoiding contact. In any of the options, there are a large number of feelings that are suppressed (guilt, the need for separation or affection).

When solving problems of emotional dependence in a couple or family relationships, it happens that people find themselves in emptiness and understand that they were not connected by anything other than dependence or fall into its extreme - counter-dependence. But those who have worked through their internal problems, undergone actual therapy, and not just ended a difficult relationship, have the opportunity to see the other person, not their own about him, and build a truly strong connection.

Distinctive signs of emotional dependence on a healthy relationship can be considered excessive feelings, the desire to spend all the time only together, or when the partner is distant, preoccupation with the problems and interests of the other, the absence of one’s own plans for the future, the inability to take a realistic look at the partner’s shortcomings. One’s own life preferences, momentary desires are not realized, a tendency appears to sacrifice oneself, one’s comfort, health for the sake of one’s partner, lack of will and lack of energy and the ability to be responsible for the events of one’s life and the actions committed in it appear.

Emotional Features of Addiction

This should include the understanding that you cannot live without a person, that happiness or normal emotional well-being is possible for you only when he is nearby, and all life comes down to waiting for these moments, despite the fact that being together leads to frequent, there is no independent possibility to break relations.

Signs of emotional dependence in a relationship- this is a decrease in the importance of all other areas of life, an increase when the thought of a possible separation appears, since loneliness is frightening, there is a desire to always be together. The feeling of losing oneself is typical; it is difficult to remember one’s hobbies and interests, without looking at one’s partner. Relationships are accompanied by suffering from the partner’s behavior (lack of attention, betrayal, rude treatment), but constant patience with such actions, which gives rise to emotional swings and frequent mood swings. This is relevant and applicable to a person who has accumulated problems in life, and if all of the above is about you, but you are quite adaptive, successful and socialized in life, then this is not a violation of the norm, but simply represents your unique way of life.

Situations that increase vulnerability to the emergence of emotional dependence: crisis moments in life, transition periods (new job, place of residence), being away from the usual world, critical stress (physical or psycho-emotional).

If a person is emotionally dependent, then he transfers responsibility for his happiness, self-awareness and life to the department and disposal of another, and often this extends not to one person (although neighbors, for example, spouses, get the most), but to the entire environment. It is precisely thanks to the diffuse distribution of responsibility among all available people that it is ultimately impossible to take it for yourself. It's a fine line between a healthy relationship with an element of codependency and codependency. You can distinguish that you have become addicted by analyzing how much your emotions depend on the actions of your partner, and how long the change in mood lasts, whether you are looking for the meaning of life in him, someone who will provide security and salvation from loneliness.

Full and healthy relationships contribute to the stability and development of a person, do not contradict his freedom and inner beliefs, and are based on respect and mutual trust. While dependent relationships are built on the suppression of the will, desires and free personal manifestation of one of the participants in the interaction, there is a division into the main and not the main thing in interaction and decision-making, and are accompanied by feelings of anxiety, fear, and uncertainty.

Due to excessive tension, which is an invariable companion of dependent relationships, psychosomatic diseases develop (related to the skin and gastrointestinal tract, due to frequent outbursts of anger and jealousy), diseases of the neurological spectrum appear, and possible.

In a situation of healthy love, on the contrary, there is an increase in immunity, a surge of strength and vigor, and a person’s life is harmonized. New acquaintances appear, things at work improve, and there is a characteristic feeling of freedom and ease of what is happening.

When breaking up, emotionally dependent people can become seriously ill, fall into depression, resort to self-harm, or commit suicide. This is due to the atrophied ability to independently cope with super-strong emotions caused by the loss of a significant relationship or person (which for an emotionally dependent person in this situation is equivalent to loss). It is out of fear of disappearing along with the object of passion that they can strive to control their partner, check his pockets, calls and correspondence, blackmail, demand constant presence, reports, observance of rituals, confirmation of their significance.

Emotional dependence on a man is characteristic of a certain type of woman who is able to easily fall in love, ignoring a person’s shortcomings, focusing on his real or fictitious and attributed merits. It is typical for such a woman to put love experiences first. Thoughts and resulting emotions about relationships swirl in her energy field, even if she is not currently in a relationship, she can fantasize about a new meeting or the return of a former lover (it is a large number of such fantasies that prevent her from seeing reality).

Because of the fear of losing the relationship, an emotionally dependent woman will constantly call, intrude, and suffocate with her attention and care. Men have two options for responding to such behavior - to quickly retreat or to use servile behavior for their own purposes. In any case, such relationships do not contribute to development and do not have a chance to last; a very painful breakup occurs for the woman, after which she again begins to feel a terrible inner emptiness, which she strives to fill with someone else.

The reasons for the emergence of such vicious circles are difficulties in establishing personal boundaries and the ability to realistically assess the surrounding reality. This also includes experiences of traumatic situations of violence, which give rise to the simultaneous experience of polar feelings towards a man.

This description was just an example, since emotional dependence on a woman occurs with the same frequency. The reasons for the emergence of emotional dependence on a woman are the same, the only difference is in the ways of manifestation. Thus, men are more likely to have outbursts of jealousy combined with anger, the use of physical force when they feel helpless in the face of a flurry of emotions, and substitution with other types of addiction (alcohol, drugs, speeding, gambling).

How to get rid of emotional dependence?

If you notice in your biography the reasons for emotional dependence and at the moment your emotional state is characterized by many anxious feelings, for example due to a pause in a relationship, then you should learn to cope with overwhelming emotions on your own.

To do this, you should shift the vector of your attention from your partner to your own life, and also relieve him of responsibility for your future. It is important to be “here and now”, without inventing what a person can do now, without interpreting and without scrolling through all the million options in his head. Stop thoughts about possible futures and bring your attention and focused energy back to the present moment, a great way to do this is to go into the body. Track the feelings that arise and experience them. If you feel an emotion is concentrated in a certain area of the body, then release it through movement; if you have accumulated a lot of words, write a letter to your partner (no need to send it, these feelings are from your early trauma).

Show yourself every moment care and love, because the main cause of emotional dependence is a lack of love and an attempt to fill this emptiness with the help of another. Feel your desires and bring yourself joy - it could be a cup of coffee, a run, a conversation with a friend, shopping, creativity, whatever makes you happy. After the emotions have leveled out and calmed down, you have looked at the situation that caused the storm of emotions from a different angle and analyzed it, you can choose (really consciously choose, and not succumb to affect) how to act further or choose a wait-and-see attitude. Before you take actions (calls, showdowns, scandal), think about the consequences of such actions for the relationship, because your behavior shapes the scenario of the relationship and whether this type of interaction suits you.

Treatment of emotional dependence is carried out by a psychotherapist. Sign up for psychotherapy, where you will have the opportunity to work through previously received traumas, your feelings and gain access to the simultaneous experience of polar states, instead of suppressing one of the emotions that have arisen. It is worth working with boundaries and responsibility, in the process accepting your own and giving people their responsibility.

With your internal change, your relationship, its dynamics and content will change, and your partner’s behavior will change. Often there is stabilization and improvement of relationships with others, and not just with the partner. When emotional dependence on a man has turned into confidence, then someone new and more worthy often appears on the horizon, or the former partner stops avoiding meetings, but, on the contrary, begins to look for reasons for contact.

How to get rid of emotional dependence on a man?

Getting rid of emotional dependence does not mean leaving a traumatic relationship with minimal losses, but gaining the ability not to enter into such relationships, the ability to build your personal boundaries and establish healthy relationships in the future.

An important step is to take on your own share of responsibility and replenish energy lost due to stress. It is worth stopping wearing the mask of an ideal that will endure any pain and overcome any adversity with a smile, and begin to recognize your needs, take care of yourself, fill your life with happiness, strength and meaning on your own and in any situation, and not expect this from others as an integral part. obligations.

How to get rid of emotional dependence on a man? To get on the path to change, determine whether you want to overcome addiction in an existing relationship or in another. Determine what price you will pay, what you will sacrifice if you do not change anything in yourself and relationships and remain dependent, as well as what prospects liberation brings. You can write down these points in a notebook, and deliverance does not necessarily have to contain only positive aspects. There will definitely be a lot of responsibility, fear of facing yourself, and possible loss of current relationships.

Spend more time on bodily practices and breathing exercises - this makes it possible to feel the boundary between your body and the environment, which will help in establishing psychological boundaries. Take responsibility for yourself and entrust his decisions to someone else - believe me, this is quite enough. Calculate your strengths and respect the other person's choices. Attempts at complete control will not protect your relationship, but will only lead to the desire to hide what is happening more and more carefully in order to leave yourself at least a piece of free breathing.

You can voice what you want. Any person has the right to fulfill your request or refuse; in any of the options, you, and not he, bear full responsibility for your emotional state and satisfaction of necessary needs.

All people have addictions. For example, we are all dependent on modern mobile phones. Only for some it is an addiction to social networks and leisure time, but for others the phone is an organizer that is always at hand. We are all somehow dependent on public opinion or some services. Some people cannot live without reading, and others cannot live without drugs. Some people are dependent on tenderness and warmth, while others cannot live without scandals and aggression. Everyone has addictions, but their nature is different, and accordingly, the consequences are different.

“Basically, a person shows freedom only in the choice of dependence,” Hermann Hesse.

Speaking about dependencies, I would highlight:

positive (constructive),
negative (destructive).

And I consider the term “habit” to be the closest concept. I think this comparison makes it easier to understand the essence of addiction as a socio-psychological phenomenon.

In essence, addiction is a habit based on. These are the needs to repeat a habitual action. The dependence mechanism itself is neutral in nature. It becomes positive or negative when a person gives direction to his addiction.

For example, we are used to taking care of ourselves: washing our hair, brushing our teeth, taking care of our clothes. And, agree, does appearance affect your state of mind? We are dependent on ourselves and circumstances. But some addictions, for example, the need for reading or playing sports, allow us to grow, while others, for example, the need to use psychoactive substances, drag us down to the social bottom.
It is necessary to distinguish between dependencies and addictions. Addictive behavior is a variant of destructive dependent behavior, the purpose of which is to escape reality (physical or mental “improvement”, workaholism, loneliness or excessive sociality, the world of fantasy). This is a psychological dependence on surfactants or actions that cause damage to the body.
Addictive behavior is a broader term that implies a psychological and physical component, which is both positive and negative. This article deals with the psychological element of addiction, but not necessarily in a negative way. However, if you want to get rid of something, then it is probably about addictions, so more attention will be paid to this.
Accordingly, it is possible to both eradicate negative dependencies and form useful ones. For example, addiction to physical activity or learning a foreign language. A good option is to replace destructive dependencies with constructive ones.

Signs of psychological dependence

“Nobody wants to admit that we are addicted to music, like a drug. It doesn't happen that way. Nobody gets hooked on music, TV or radio. We just need more: more channels, wider screen, louder sound. We can’t live without music and TV, but no, no one is hooked on them,” Chuck Palahniuk.

Signs of psychological dependence include various types of discomfort from dissatisfaction in repeated action or use of the subject of dependence. It could be:

depression;
apathy;
yearning;
anxiety;
irritation;
anger;
anxiety;
concern;
sleep disorders;
“out of place”;
feeling of emptiness;
fatigue;
lethargy;
aggression;
fear;
guilt;
denial of dependence;
emotional swings and more.

Portrait of a dependent personality

The main feature of a dependent personality is infantilism. In particular, this manifests itself:

inability to take responsibility for one's life;
conviction that the world is problematic and that in order to eliminate personality problems the world (environment) must change;
(conviction in one’s uniqueness, “navel of the earth” syndrome);
the predominance of children's emotions and feelings over adults (for example, resentment over determination);
instability of self-esteem and its inadequacy (from self-destruction to exaltation);
impulsive and reckless behavior, life, desires and emotions;
the inability to plan life, the desire to get everything at once (just like that), inadequate desires;
children's values and bodily needs (spiritual needs are not developed);
inability to distinguish between the ideal and the real, a childish sense of justice;
undeveloped abstract logical thinking (inability to distance oneself from emotions and adequately assess the problem);
deceitfulness with oneself and others.

Any addiction is our “want”. Who lives by “I want” alone? That's right, child. A person who is not ready for adult life becomes dependent.

Mechanism of addiction formation

Psychological dependence precedes physical dependence. The formation of addiction is based on the mechanism of incentive and reinforcement. After a person performs any action, the happiness hormone dopamine is produced in the brain.

Dopamine is released into the reward zone. This is the pleasure center of the brain. Thus, a neural connection is formed, which can be characterized as “action - dopamine production - pleasure - memory of pleasure - the need for repeated action.”

What happens to the psyche at the moment of addiction formation:

The need to perform a repeated action overshadows other needs, the object of dependence becomes the main life value.
The person recognizes his own helplessness. He calls it “I can’t resist,” but in reality it’s “I don’t want to deprive myself of such a familiar and simple way of getting pleasure” (characteristic exclusively of psychological addiction).
A person finds a bunch of reasons and excuses for who or what made him repeat the action.

Stereotyped behavior is formed, the goal of which is to obtain an object of pleasure, in fact, pleasure itself. In situations of stress, external support (similarly dependent people), life failures, memories of past experiences, stereotypical behavior takes root even more.

Tolerance to the substance used or the action performed gradually increases. Later, physical dependence develops. This stage is characterized by other signs and treatment can only be clinical.

Stages of development of psychological dependence

Psychological dependence goes through 4 stages in its development.

Zero stage

There is no need for the subject of addiction, but sometimes a person can do it “for company”, “accidentally” (for example, participate in a scandal, smoke).

First stage

A person sometimes resorts to addiction to solve problems, the feeling of pleasure (security, comfort) becomes more pronounced, and the negative consequences are less noticeable.

Second stage

The human psyche rearranges its work, and without a stimulus an individual cannot solve a specific problem. The positive effect of addiction is becoming less and less noticeable, and negative consequences are coming to the fore.

Third stage

The point of no return, ending in death (if we are talking about chemical dependencies). Man no longer exists as an individual. He is a hostage to the object (thing, habit, person) of addiction.

Methods to combat addiction

At the heart of every psychological addiction is some kind of need, a lack of something. Often addiction is a perverted form of satisfying an actual need, for example:

scandals are an alternative to sex;
food is a substitute for love;
alcohol is an escape from reality (non-acceptance of oneself, melancholy from loneliness, hated work and much more).

Addictions such as smoking, overeating and alcoholism are often based on “for company”, “out of nothing to do.” One way or another, every addiction comes down to a person receiving happiness.

Thus, the goal of getting rid of addiction is to find another area that brings joy, fill the void or get rid of boredom, and solve internal problems. The main difference between addiction and habit is that the roots of the first lie, as a rule, very deep and are more difficult to pull out.

Is self-hypnosis effective?

It has been scientifically proven that in modern conditions, suggestion and self-hypnosis are not an effective means of treating psychological addiction. The percentage of people who remain in remission after this method does not exceed 5%.

Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy is the main method of treating psychological addictions. It is important to understand that you should not expect quick results. Addictions form over the years, becoming part of a person. It will not be easy to eradicate this part and reconstruct the personality. Working with addiction involves several directions (stages).

Personality restructuring (worldview, values, beliefs, interests, self-acceptance and sense of self).
Restructuring the system of interaction with the outside world.
The formation of a person as an active and full-fledged member of society.

Working on yourself as a way to get rid of addiction

A person with negative psychological dependence is characterized by some personal characteristics:

intellectual and spiritual emptiness (lack of a formed system of interests and needs);
unformed system of values and moral beliefs;
irresponsibility;
instability;
prevalence of groupthink (sense of herd);
an inferiority complex, expressed in exaggerated pride and self-confidence.

A person looks like this even before addiction appears; it is due to these qualities that a person is susceptible to addiction. That is, immature individuals are prone to negative addictions. It is necessary to identify (preferably with the help of a psychologist) your vulnerabilities and work to strengthen them.

Work plan for getting rid of addiction

“Guilt has proven to be the most effective means of creating and strengthening addiction,” Erich Fromm.

I recommend seeking help from a psychologist or psychotherapist, since it is almost impossible to get rid of addiction on your own. If you cannot visit a specialist, then find support, a person you can completely trust. But it shouldn't support your dependencies. You need to work according to the following plan:

Creating motivation for real life without addictions, recognizing the problem. You need to sincerely want to get rid of addiction. To do this, it is important to see, build goals, see prospects, feel your own potential, and realize what addiction deprives you of.
Quitting addiction. Exclusion of the link of use from life.
Determining a situation in which cravings intensify or consumption of an addictive substance is inevitable. For example, the company of specific people or failure at work, stress, fear, boredom. Depending on the cause, there are several options for solving the problem - avoidance, control over the situation and oneself, replacement or filling (idleness).
Determination of the included mechanisms of psychological defense of addiction. Coping with them. That is, the seizure of control from addiction. For example, self-justification is one of the variants of defense dependence (she defends herself).
Determination of individual crisis situations and boundaries of safe life.
Work with individual personal characteristics that led to addiction and contributed to its development. There can be a lot of options: self-doubt, selfishness, fear, low self-esteem, anxiety, feelings of loneliness, jealousy, irritability, insolvency.
Working through childhood traumas and psychological problems, internal conflicts.

Work to change thinking and life must be comprehensive. This will take several months or years (depending on the state of the individual and the difference between physical age and psychological age). A person who has recovered from addiction can be considered someone who:

has the skills to identify warning signs of a breakdown;
understands the mechanisms of development and defense of one’s addiction;
knows how to resist these mechanisms, has developed self-control and planning skills;
is aware of his negative and positive resources and knows how to use them;
able to take responsibility for his own life;
opposite to the portrait of a dependent person.

Any addiction is an individual’s attempts to regain himself, to protect his Self. Often, addiction is based on intrapersonal conflict, misunderstanding and non-acceptance by the individual of himself. It is possible that we are not even talking about current actual needs, but about deprivation in childhood (an unsatisfied need for care, maternal love). But what’s interesting is that in families with overprotection, addictions are no less common.

It is important to learn to feel safe, and therefore learn to create comfortable conditions without artificial stimuli (destructive addictions). That is, solve your problems and satisfy your needs in a socially approved and personally beneficial way.

Afterword

“Any kind of addiction is bad, be it addiction to alcohol, drugs or idealism,” Carl Gustav Jung.

Dependence is the need for the subject of dependence, despite the consequences and other circumstances. More precisely, this is how it seems to an addicted person. In fact, this is the need to be happy, whole, harmonious.

When talking about addictions, for some reason we first of all remember only drug addiction, smoking, and alcoholism. But there are a huge variety of non-chemical addictions:

from work,
person,
glory,
success,
confessions,
demand,
order and so on.

Chemical addictions are characterized by two stages: the formation of psychological and physical dependence. Non-chemical addictions (from a partner, work, computer, praise, recognition, food, sex and much more) are characterized only by psychological addiction.

To get rid of addiction, you need to devalue the subject of addiction and switch your attention to other activities. For example, if you suffer from an addictive relationship, then clearly answer yourself why your partner is so unique and why you cannot live without him. There probably won't be a clear answer. That's the point. Often the value of the subject of addiction is far-fetched.

It is necessary to devalue the subject of addiction.
At the same time, you need to learn to accept yourself and life, be able to withstand difficulties and use your pros and cons.

Work on yourself, be active. A purposeful person with a developed and busy life has no time to fall into destructive addictions. Dependence is a voluntary deprivation of freedom and the right to choose, an escape from responsibility and reality.

A timid, uninitiative, sad person with low self-esteem and communication problems. Why do people like him develop such a dependence, how does it form, how to get rid of dependence on a person, how to understand that deliverance has arrived, where to turn - our article will answer all these questions.

Signs of a person's dependence on other people

Psychotherapists argue that dependence on the opinions of others is formed in childhood, in the family, based on the relationships of family members.

There are some signs by which it can be established that dependence on someone else’s opinion has occurred:

It becomes difficult for a person to make everyday decisions; he cannot make a simple choice between two purchased goods without the opinions of friends, parents or acquaintances around him.
A dependent person constantly seeks the approval of others.
Such a person needs to be constantly sure that someone is always responsible for his life.
It is difficult for addicts to express their own opinions for fear of being misunderstood or misunderstood or insufficiently appreciated. Students and schoolchildren find it difficult to answer in class due to the fear of being misunderstood by the teacher or ridiculed by classmates.
Due to the lack of motivation and energy, dependent people experience great difficulties when starting projects; most often they abandon what they have started and planned halfway or at the stage of idea and implementation. First of all, lack of self-confidence plays a role here.
Dependent people strive by any means to enlist the support and care of teachers, colleagues, outsiders, readers on a blog or subscribers on a page. While such people need to do what they want, and not what is needed to achieve increased attention.
Unconsciously, a person suffering from a pathological psychological dependence on the opinions of others constantly feeds his fears of being left alone, without support and support from those who cared about him.

Experienced psychotherapists can identify signs of addiction already in childhood; they begin to manifest themselves most clearly in adolescence, and gradually decrease by the age of thirty or forty. Many people live with various kinds of pathological addictions and do not try to fight them. Others struggle to figure out how to stop depending on other people's opinions.

Practical tips for getting rid of psychological addictions

Dependence on other people's opinions affects all areas of a person's life. Therefore, first of all, follow your own desires, achieve your goals:

Try to establish an adequate understanding of the world around you and your place in it.
Create your own worldview, read more, form your own opinion about any event. Listen to the opinions of truly authoritative people.
When starting work on a new project, focus on the end result, do not think about how others will perceive what you do. The main thing is that implementation brings you confidence in yourself and that you are able to do something without advice and help.
Many books have been written by psychotherapists about how to stop depending on other people’s opinions, some of them are written in a popular scientific style. Get acquainted with such literature, improve yourself.
If you feel like you just can't cope on your own, see a therapist. There is nothing wrong with this if you need the help of an experienced specialist. In some cases, the doctor can be replaced by a close friend whom you really trust.
Make a list of so-called “addiction affirmations” to help you figure out how to get rid of your addiction to a person, and then rewrite it, correcting all negative attitudes to positive ones. Recite these positive messages daily.
Do the following exercise regularly to help you figure out how to stop depending on the opinions of others. Make sure nothing can disturb you. Sit back, close your eyes and imagine the person on whom you depend. Look at him from the outside: you can see him, but he cannot see you. Imagine that the person on whom you depend psychologically is already in your past, he is not in the present. This technique is unlikely to be effective the first time, but if you repeat it regularly, you will notice the effect and soon you will be able to give advice on how to get rid of addiction to a person.

Personal addiction recovery method

This method is proposed by psychologists Berry and Jenny Wanhold. It consists of twelve points, which can be briefly described as follows:

Realize that you have a problem that needs to be solved. As with getting rid of any other type of addiction, you need to start with the fact that you need to stop depending on other people’s opinions and realize that there is a problem.
Investigate the causes of the problem. It is better to do this together with a psychologist. Only a specialist will be able to understand exactly when dependence on someone else’s opinion began to form, and what kind of relationships in the family caused the formation of stable dependencies.
Learn to understand the symptoms and their connection with the real situation, that is, try to trace what exactly in your life can cause an increase or decrease in dependence on the opinions of others.
Don't shift the blame for your mistakes onto others. Learn to respond appropriately to criticism.
Don't strive to be absolute perfection. Overcoming perfectionism is another important task on the way to how to cope with addiction to a person.
Do not use subconscious or unconscious manipulation to get what you want.
Always be specific and clear about what you want, and don’t be afraid to ask for it directly.
Learn to feel free to express all your feelings. Never think about how it will resonate with other people.
Rethink your feelings, sensations, emotions, needs, desires and life attitudes.
Clearly understand the boundaries in your interaction with other people, never go beyond the boundaries of someone else’s psychological comfort.
Don’t be afraid to get close to other people, learn from their experiences, learn to maintain and establish relationships.
Balance your inner self by providing yourself with opportunities to develop your potential and talents.

How not to depend on the opinions of other people

Everyone who managed to achieve success in life, everyone, one way or another, had to fight against the colossal resistance of public opinion, family, colleagues, friends.

Almost every politician or scientist defended his opinion in front of an audience of people unfamiliar to him, and was subjected to attacks and misunderstanding on their part. But they were still able to succeed because they were independent of other people’s opinions! So what is independence?

Independence is a person’s ability not to depend on external influences and assessments, to independently regulate their own choices, behavior and be responsible for it.

In addition, psychologists say, without a doubt, that dependence on the opinions of others makes a person unhappy. The basis of various kinds of addictions is, first of all, fear; in the case of defending a thesis or project at work, it is the fear that other people will not be able to understand or will judge or speak unflatteringly about your work.

People who most often suffer from excessive dependence on the opinions of others are those who were controlled by their parents in childhood, without paying attention to what the child really wants. Such children were never listened to, and their wishes were simply ignored.

The first advice that most professional coaches give on how to stop depending on other people's opinions is to start listening to yourself. Even if you are constantly criticized and your clothing style is ridiculed, perhaps this is only disguised envy and not constructive comments.

As a rule, those who actively criticize others, saying unpleasant things, are not trying to help with advice or opinion at all - they are only trying to increase their own self-esteem at someone else’s expense. Therefore, if you are criticized, first of all, try to understand what goals the person is pursuing, whether he is an authority for you at all, and whether his opinion is important. After all, people who are sincerely trying to help try to show us positive qualities by giving compliments. Any criticism can be destructive.

As soon as you begin to closely study the problem: how to stop depending on other people’s opinions, you immediately understand that it is not worth your attention.

Along with the fact that each of us has only one life and is also too short to worry about the opinions of other people (we are not talking about relatives or loved ones), there is another reason not to pay attention to them: their views can change over time. time.

Let's say that at some point in time, your colleagues or fellow students made fun of you for wearing ripped jeans. Let's say this was a time when boyfriend jeans were not yet in fashion. You stop wearing them. But with time, fashion changes and ripped jeans are now becoming very popular. This example will help you appreciate that dependence on the opinions of others is a problem that can be easily overcome if you set yourself up correctly.

You shouldn’t depend on other people’s opinions, because they are so fickle!

What is the definition of recovery from addiction?

As mentioned above, addiction can affect people of any gender, any age and is inherently no different from other types of addictions. The need for the presence of a loved one in cases of love addiction is constantly growing.

If a person is in an unequal relationship that causes him psychological and emotional harm, if these relationships devastate him and bring mental suffering, then we are talking about pathological types of addiction. In an unequal relationship, a dependent person sacrifices his freedom and health.

Dependence on other people's opinions manifests itself in people with a weak character, when the dependent cannot make any decisions without the help of loved ones and is easily influenced by a stronger person. A person with such problems easily obeys people with leadership qualities. People who do not know how to stop depending on the opinions of others become dependent on positive or negative evaluation from their environment, be it friends, acquaintances or relatives.

How to understand that recovery from pathological addiction has occurred

Firstly, a person begins to take care, first of all, of himself and his health. He begins to remember and return to his past interests, leaving behind his dreary sadness.

In order to understand the reasons for dependence on the opinions of others, and make the right decision on ways to get rid of it, it is best to turn to professional psychotherapists.

What is addiction, what types of it are, how to eliminate the causes and consequences of pathological emotional dependencies, no one can tell you better than a psychologist.

Emotional dependence is quite common in young people with pronounced infantilism; all decisions in childhood were made for such people by their parents. They grew up and everything that needed to be done and decided was done and decided by other people.

Very often, these types of addictions lead to depressed states or even depression. If you don’t deal with the problem in time: how to get rid of dependence on a person, then in the future you will have to constantly spend a large amount of time worrying about how your neighbors will look at you, what salespeople in an expensive store will think of you if you came there at the wrong time. fur coat, how colleagues will react to the new image.

Secondly, the lives of such people often develop not according to their own, but according to someone else’s scenario, which subsequently leads to strong internal conflicts. It’s easy to get rid of unnecessary doubts and start living freely. You just have to want it.