How to support a person in a difficult situation: advice from psychologists. Emergency psychological assistance: how to properly console a person in trouble
There are times when we see the only opportunity to stand up for ourselves in the ability to insult our interlocutor. It is worth recognizing that this method is not always justified, and, at times, can even lead to negative consequences. But there are still situations when it is very difficult to do without it. There can be many such situations, and we will consider some of them in more detail. Self-defense When someone allows themselves to speak offensively towards us, we often “boil” in response. It’s rare that someone manages to restrain their emotions in such a situation and ignore the attacks of an aggressive interlocutor. Of course, if a person has managed to achieve the highest degree of self-control or simply cannot decide to respond to an offensive remark, then he is able to ignore negative words addressed to him. And yet, more often than not, it is not easy to restrain yourself. Protecting the Weak There are situations when we are unable to ignore the fact that someone allows himself to be offensive towards another person. This is especially unbearable to watch when your spouse, your child, a shy girl, or even an unfamiliar pensioner comes under fire from offensive words. In general, aggression awakens in many of us when a weaker person suffers and finds it difficult to stand up for himself. Of course, in this case, the injured party needs protection, and will undoubtedly feel a deep sense of gratitude when receiving it. Animal protection This point is somewhat similar to the previous one, but the difference is that this time we are not talking about a weak person, but about an animal. Some of us, seeing, for example, how teenagers torture a cat or a drunken person kicks a dog, try to pretend that they simply do not notice what is happening, but the majority still cannot look indifferently at the suffering of “lesser brothers.” Of course, in this case, insults on your part will be more than justified.
How to morally humiliate a person without swearing
Not each of us is able to humiliate a person without resorting to swear words. However, if you learn this, then you can say that you have mastered the art of the most “subtle” insults.Clever phrases to shut someone up
If you want to put a person in his place with some kind of veiled insult, take note of a few phrases.- Open your mouth at the dentist! Usually, those who meddle in someone else's life are those who can't manage their own. Don't fall under the hot hand, so as not to fly under the hot foot.
Cool and funny insults
Such insults may seem cool and funny not only to the person who utters them, but also to the person to whom they apply. However, it all depends on how touchy your interlocutor is. If he is too sensitive to the slightest hint of insults and is overly vulnerable, then, of course, he will not find it funny in this situation.- Shut your laugher already! Stop waving your tongue like a flag at a parade.
Offensive cutting phrases
If you want to offend someone with a caustic and offensive phrase, then, apparently, this person really managed to offend you. Of course, you should never show that you are offended or angry - in this case, you will not achieve the desired effect. Say caustic phrases in a calm tone, which can easily be accompanied by a slight grin.- It looks like the stork dropped someone along the way. And more than once. You would have been taken to the Kunstkamera during your lifetime. One more phrase like this, and you will have to move through life in jerks. You should think about saving nature by sterilizing yourself. It is probably difficult for you to love nature, after what it has done to you.
How to politely send a person away by calling him witty words
You may well offend a person, even if you are on “you” terms with him. To do this, it is not at all necessary to switch to swear words or direct insults. One witty phrase is enough. Therefore, you can even say that in this way you will send a person culturally.- Are you leaving already? Why so slowly? I’m too busy a person to pay attention to your complexes. Shock me, finally say something smart. It looks like you never got over your youthful maximalism. You should be silent more often, you’d be considered smart I hope that you are not always so stupid, but just today.
Play on his weaknesses and complexes
If the situation develops in such a way that you have to insult a woman (note that these are still the most extreme situations), then, of course, you can play on her complexes. Most often, a woman's weak point is her appearance. Even if she doesn't show that your words hurt her in any way, most likely, you will still achieve your goal - she will remember what you said and it will bother her. It is also worth noting that some men can also be offended by mentioning their appearance or physical parameters. Although most often a male representative can be offended by mentioning his unenviable mental qualities, most men react quite painfully to these remarks. So, some examples:- Alas, you cannot save the world with beauty. However, also with your mind. Woman, you are not so beautiful as to be rude to people. Just by looking at you, I can believe that man really descended from a monkey. Don’t worry, maybe one day you will say something smart. Where did you learn do makeup in Valuev’s style? What, no one wants to get married, that’s why she’s so angry? Is everything really tight? Well, at least try to scatter your bone marrow. It’s immediately obvious that your parents dreamed of you running away from home. It’s true what they say that the brain is not everything. In your case, it's nothing at all.
Create long-term systematic pressure on the enemy
Naturally, at this point we are talking about psychological pressure - the influence on interlocutors that occurs with the aim of changing their psychological attitudes, decisions and opinions. Often this method is used in situations where, for some reason, you cannot openly be rude to a person, but you also cannot help but react to his behavior. So, what types of psychological pressure exist? Moral pressure This can also be called humiliation, which is expressed in the desire to morally suppress the interlocutor. You systematically point out some characteristic of a person, even if your words do not correspond to reality. Thus, you deliberately sow complexes in your opponent. For example, you can always hint or directly tell someone: “How stupid you are,” “You are very clumsy,” “You still need to lose weight,” and the like. In this case, it becomes difficult for the interlocutor to control himself, and if at first he practically does not pay attention to your words, then later they begin to seriously offend him. It is important to note that this technique is appropriate for people who suffer from self-doubt. Compulsion This method can be used by a person who is endowed with some kind of power - finances, information or even physical strength. In this case, the opponent is unable to provide a worthy rebuff, realizing that in this case he may suffer financially, not receive the necessary information, and so on. Belief This type of psychological pressure can be called the most rational. By using it, you are trying to appeal to a person’s logic and reason. This method is applicable to people of normal intelligence who are able to understand what you are trying to convey to them. A person who is trying to act by persuasion must select the most logical and demonstrative phrases, avoiding doubts and uncertainty in his tone. It is important to understand that as soon as the “victim” begins to notice any inconsistencies, the force of such pressure will begin to weaken. Suspension In this case, the person makes an attempt to “starve out” the interlocutor. You try to put pressure on someone, but when they try to catch you in this, you move away or move on to other topics. You can also respond by accusing your opponent of making things up, twisting everything, and so on. Suggestion This method of psychological attack can only be used by a person who is in some way an authority for his “victim.” One way or another, you are trying to suggest something to your interlocutor, speaking in hints or directly.Is it acceptable to use obscene name-calling and swearing?
Of course, we are not always able to control ourselves and cope with ourselves in peak situations, but you should make every effort to achieve this. If it has come to the point that you see no other way but to be rude to a person, then try to do it subtly and beautifully. As they say, there is no need to stoop to the level of “bazaar women.” Of course, if you couldn’t restrain yourself and started swearing, then there’s nothing you can do about it, but still try to prevent this from happening and put the person “in his place” in other ways. The point is not that you can especially hurt with swearing interlocutor. It is simply believed that a person who has “sank” to swearing is not able to defend his opinion in ordinary words - to some extent, this is how we demonstrate our own inconsistency. Of course, it’s a different matter if, in principle, you always communicate with abundant use of swear words, but that’s a completely different conversation.
How to Learn Sarcasm Using Sassy Funny Words
Having learned to use impudent and funny expressions appropriately, you will certainly be able to gain fame in your close circle as a person with a good sense of humor and mastery of the technique of sarcasm. But it is important not to forget that insolence can be fraught with consequences, and with such phrases you can provoke your interlocutor to an unpredictable reaction.- Go, lie down, rest. Well, at least on the rails. I could have offended you, of course, but nature has already done it for me. Nobody scares you, you will be scared in front of the mirror. A stapler would not hurt your mouth at all. Well, I rang the chain, now to the booth go.
- If these beeps continue to come from your platform, then your dental composition will have to move. Are you sick or do you always look like this? You should be in a tube right now. Pay attention to the baseboard so as not to forget about your level. I would laugh at you, but life has already done it for me.
It is safe to say that in the life of every person there are unpleasant moments that cause unpleasant emotions. It is the emotional side that is a reflection of the worldview of a particular person. People tend to react completely differently to certain life events. This fact is influenced by characteristics of temperament, upbringing, degree of self-hypnosis and a number of other circumstances. On the other hand, the approach to each specific person requires special attention.
Any careless word can break the will of a person who, with all his penchant for self-hypnosis, is intolerant of various kinds of criticism. At the same time, there is a certain type of people who do not want to perceive the pity of others as a positive feeling. Someone is more inclined to solitude, which allows him to once again analyze the situation and come to a certain conclusion.
Some people experience fear of the unknown and seek support from others. However, there are certain conditional rules that are mainly used by psychologists during sessions with patients, but which ordinary people should also learn in order to help themselves and their loved ones at the right time. It is necessary to follow the tactics of communicating with people who find themselves in a difficult situation in order not only not to add unnecessary stress to them through incorrect phrases or incorrectly expressed thoughts, but first of all to be able to help find a way out of the situation and smooth out the wave of worries.
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What should you not say to someone who is experiencing grief?
First of all, it is important not to concentrate a person’s attention on his difficult situation, once again recalling unpleasant events and facts. Even if it is known that a person experiencing unpleasant moments in his life is a fairly strong and resilient person, capable of coping with any difficulties. Often, a person’s internal weakness is so carefully disguised under a shell of self-confidence that others mistakenly perceive him as a very strong, reliable person with practically indestructible strong-willed qualities. Self-confidence is often perceived as undoubted self-confidence. At the same time, even the most persistent person can turn out to be quite weak and quite vulnerable. The loss of a loved one is especially difficult for all people.
You should not impose your thoughts on how a person who finds himself in a tragic situation should behave. Most likely, he will be irritated that they are trying to teach him at such a difficult time for him. A strong personality will most likely react with aggression, which is understandable, and therefore there is no point in being offended and leaving. People experiencing grief focus all their attention on this event, so that they can forget about those around them, with whom they were at. We must remember that this is a temporary situation, since any, even the saddest story, has a climax and denouement. Not a single person on earth can remain at the peak of his own experiences indefinitely; this can lead to sad consequences.
As you know, stress adversely affects both physical and mental health of a person. Against the background of stress caused by grief, a number of gastrointestinal diseases can occur, migraines may occur, and immunity may decrease.
Radamira Belova - Everything is bad for you then you should come here
It is not uncommon for people to go crazy after the death of a loved one.
(This is especially true for mothers who have lost their children). Experts consider madness as one of the ways to mobilize the body's defenses. Since a person cannot be in a state of stress for a long time, when, due to the lability of the nervous system, he cannot help but think about the grief he has experienced, changes occur in his psyche. Such people seem to begin to live in another dimension. They find in the world of illusions what they lacked in real life. There are cases when mothers who have lost babies refuse to believe what happened, and continue to swaddle the dolls, seriously believing that these are their children.
A person who experiences severe psychological trauma as a result of a tragedy may simply fall into a stupor, without reacting in any way to the words and actions of others. This is also a kind of self-defense of the body. At such a moment, he does not so much calm down as he does not perceive reality in all its details. You should not try to “stir up” the sufferer at such moments. First of all, this will not give any result, but on the other hand, any attempts to bring him to his senses and force him to go, for example, for a walk, may look ridiculous and carry practically no positivity.
We should not forget that at such a moment a person experiences grief, which in his mind has a global scale. The desire of friends to cheer him up and lift his spirits (with jokes, anecdotes, funny incidents) will be perceived as “a feast during the plague,” that is, you can automatically fall into the category of enemies who rejoice in the misfortune of others.
Under no circumstances should a saddened person be reproached for his weakness and told examples of how other people easily and quickly experience such moments and then switch to everyday concerns. This can cause an unpleasant impression and sound in the mind of such a person as an attempt to accuse him of being filled with grief. In addition, there is a risk of becoming a person who does not understand someone else's misfortune. It is possible that a grief-stricken person will say this directly, in a harsh tone, and subsequently refuse to communicate.
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There is no need to openly feel sorry for a person if he is not tolerant of various types of pity
At the same time, one cannot demonstrate complete indifference. It will be much easier for a person who has experienced grief if he feels spiritual support and understanding, which is expressed in the fact that his friends and relatives are experiencing grief with him and understand his situation. It is necessary to very subtly grasp the slightest direction of thought of such a person. Often victims refuse to take sedatives or other medications, convincing themselves that there is no point in doing so because they have no desire to live.
If it is obvious that memories of the image of a departed person do not cause him additional suffering, and he wants to talk about it, you must listen to him carefully, without inserting any additional remarks, except confirmation that he is understood and his emotions are close to others. Such a person should not be left alone. It will be much better if some friends or close relatives express a desire to stay with him.
Many people are positive, their presence in itself evokes warm feelings, and spontaneity makes you forget about everything, even the most difficult and sad moments. However, it should be taken into account that a grief-stricken person may not control himself, and therefore may burst into tears in the presence of children, which can adversely affect their mental health. In addition, children are very sensitive to the mood of adults.
If a person is experiencing grief, this does not mean that he needs to give him the gift of an additional pet. The reaction may not be entirely predictable. But at the same time, it is possible that he will be able to get a little distracted by the sight of his favorite felling trees or guinea pigs.
By the way, the reaction of people who have lost a pet who has already become a full-fledged pet is not the same. Some strive to immediately acquire an animal that is similar in all respects to the previous deceased animal. Others, on the contrary, prefer animals of other colors so that they do not remind of the tragedy. The third category of people generally do not consider it right to purchase an animal after experiencing grief, because they are not sure that they will be able to survive the loss of a new pet.
What should you say to a person who considers himself a failure?
- It would be more correct to pose the question: what should not be said to a person who has experienced failure and then considers his life in vain. You can give a lot of advice on this matter, but the right option would be an individual approach to the situation. Each person reacts differently to the same words. If, for example, the phrase “calm down, everything will be fine” can be perceived by an optimist as confirmation of his own thoughts, then an avid pessimist and skeptic can perceive it as ridicule. There is no point in being offended if the answer is similar to the words: “You decided to laugh at me?! Where will everything be fine? This peculiarity of reaction to a reality that is not always triumphant is characteristic of people who are unsure of their abilities, who always tend to see the negative in everything. They experience any difficulties very hard, and due to the fact that this greatly frightens them and stops them halfway, they cannot achieve high results in any business.
- If a person who considers himself to have suffered from a situation that deprived him of his laurels in a certain field of activity begins to be reproached for not showing enough persistence and softening up at the most crucial moment, you can not only lose a friend, but also suddenly become almost enemy. Deep down, people who are not prone to self-criticism blame everyone and everything for their failures. They blame the circumstances and the people who met along the way at that moment, but not themselves. Often they prefer to blame other people for any defeat and then talk about it. In this case, you can carefully
- Listen, and then very tactfully and carefully try to dissect the situation, noting the point at which they were unable to keep the situation under control. But under no circumstances should you talk about it directly. It must be emphasized that this is not the last chance. You can give examples of several episodes from your own life. And although personal example is not always acceptable to others, it can somewhat encourage the spirit of someone who has lost it. Sometimes, the confidence that you are not the only one who suffered a failure gives strength and helps you cope with your inferiority complex.
How to help overcome anxiety?
People are so prone to worry that sometimes it is much easier to try to calm down your friend than to cope with your own emotions. Parents are constantly worried about the behavior of their children, adult children are worried about the health of their middle-aged parents, each person, in turn, from young to old, is worried about upcoming events. Thus, a school student is worried at the sight of a strict examiner, a company employee is worried about whether he will be appointed to head a department, a graduate student spends the night going over in his thoughts the possible events of the upcoming dissertation defense.
Of course, anxiety in no way has a positive effect on situations that call for it. On the contrary, during a period of excitement, a person wastes colossal reserves of strength and energy that could be used in the right direction. Thus, a student’s surge of excitement prevents him from remembering the formula he crammed all night, and the most diligent employee of the company does not dare to have a serious conversation with his boss about raising his salary. It turns out that anxiety can strike at the most crucial moments, successfully ruining all the plans people have in mind.
Can you find the right words to calm an anxious friend or loved one? This is a rather responsible mission that requires caution, attentiveness and sensitivity. Most people when they try to interfere in their lives and dictate their own rules. They may perceive any advice as interference “in someone else’s business.” In some cases, such support may cause the following reaction: “You don’t understand such issues at all, that’s why you don’t understand my anxiety!” It is important to ask the person first if they need help. If he is inclined to talk frankly about the reasons for the excitement, you can analyze the situation in detail in a more attractive form for him.
For someone with a sense of humor, a suitable option is when he can imagine his strict boss or teacher in an unsightly form, for example, with green hair or in funny clothes. But the main thing is not to overdo it, so that the student, remembering the jokes, does not burst into laughter at the most inopportune moment. If a person is not prone to jokes, you can encourage him that with his abilities and intelligence he will definitely achieve anything. At the same time, psychologists do not recommend using the particle “ Not", and also not to remind the word " excitement».
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In everyone's life there are people who love to talk. on one specific topic: They talk only about illnesses, only about work, only about themselves, and so on.
website found out why some people, upon learning that someone’s house burned down or someone’s company went bankrupt, simply exclaim “Oh!” and continue to talk about their own things. And also what they usually talk about and how to react to it.
It happens that a person you have seen just a couple of times dumps his entire personal life in front of you. And, despite your slightly embarrassed appearance, it continues to wrench your soul, as if at a reception with a priest.
- Reasons for this behavior: escape from loneliness and, as a result, the perception of other people as an extension of oneself; a personality disorder close to hysteria, hence the desire to impress or attract attention at any cost.
- What to do: make it clear by all means that you are bored by such a monologue. If the case is radical, refer the person to a psychologist, since such behavior may be a sign of some problem.
There are people who, according to them, seem to be hated by all the existing and non-existent gods. They only talk about their hardest martyrdom (often having a very good life). The most paradoxical thing is that they are not trying to change the situation at all. And, if you ask a person: “How will you deal with this?” - most likely, he will fall into a stupor and switch to another task.
- Reasons for this behavior: desire to justify one's mistakes; shift responsibility for your actions onto your relatives, family, fate; manipulate others after all, the role of the victim is always beneficial.
- What to do: always ask questions about how the person plans to solve these problems.
This is a continuation of the previous paragraph, but it is so common that it is worthy of being separated into a separate subspecies. Do you have a friend who constantly complains about his health, as if he has the last stage of cancer, and not a common runny nose? A sort of boring pseudo-doctor who constantly talks about diseases. So, this is not just like that.
- Reasons for this behavior: desire to demonstrate one's sacrifice; the need for empathy; a person allows his illness to control his life so much that it becomes the purpose of existence.
- What to do: if this is a temporary phenomenon, treat it with understanding and support, distract the person with some pleasant activity; if permanent, refer to a doctor.
Everyone has that friend who seems to have chosen an option in their brain. “talk only about work” and saved without the right to change settings. And even at a friends’ wedding, on a romantic trip, at a dentist’s appointment, he doesn’t stop talking about the problems of the corporation and even about how annoyed he is when the deputy courier’s assistant bites nuts.
Now let's move on to the more practical side - communication...
Have you often encountered a problem when your friend or loved one is depressed, and you don’t know what to tell him or how to help him overcome this condition? It is very difficult to find the right words in such a situation, because a person may react incorrectly and even inadequately. Below are the most effective words that will help you support a loved one in difficult times.
Phrases that make it clear that you care about a person:
What can I do for you?
All written sources describing this problem advise SHOWING, not TELLING. Words are not all that is helpful to a person struggling with depression.
So, what I find most comforting at a time when it is impossible to gather my thoughts is a friend coming over and preparing lunch for me, or someone offering to tidy up my place. Believe me, practical care is a great support for a person facing grief or suffering from depression. Why not go and check on a person who has completely lost his mood?
Actions are very effective when, when communicating, you express compassion to the interlocutor in a practical way. Even if he is too humble to accept such help, I can assure you that he will place your words in that secret corner of his soul that will remind him: “This person cares about me.”
Maybe there is something that could help you feel better?
Talk to the person about something that once brought them joy, or about something new that could bring them joy. Perhaps he himself will not have an answer to this question, or perhaps he will remember something that could cheer him up now, but he is not able to implement it. Then you can provide him with this support and help him do something that will lift his spirits.
Brew him tea, be close, don’t say unnecessary words, encourage him to have a confidential conversation.
Do you want me to accompany you?
Maybe a person has been used to being alone for a long time and has not even thought about the fact that someone might be nearby when he needs to go shopping or get to some place. Moreover, no one accompanied him home. You can offer such support, it will show that you really care about the person and do not want to leave him alone with his thoughts.
Such actions will say more than just the words “I’m nearby”, “I’m with you”, “You can count on me”, because you are really nearby and you can really be counted on!
Do you find support in anyone?
These words say: “You need support. Let's find a way to get it."
This question will help you understand whether a person is surrounded by support from loved ones or whether he is left to his own devices. If you know that someone is trying to support him, but he himself does not talk about it or does not notice the support as such, then this will help you understand what is important to the person, what helps him and what does not.
The more loved ones show such care, the better for a person. If you know that he feels alone in his trouble and does not receive the support of loved ones, talk to them. Let them know how important it is for them to connect and be there for you during this difficult time.
You should also not forget that you can seek help from specialists if the person himself does not mind. I think this is not the first method of help, but if you yourself cannot help a person, it is better to entrust this to professionals. Again, only with the consent of the person. He needs to be helped to understand that depression is a serious and dangerous disease, but it is completely correctable, especially if the person himself understands this and is ready to fight.
This will definitely end and you will feel the same as before.
These words do not judge, do not impose anything, and do not manipulate. They simply give hope, and that HOPE will keep a person alive, or at least motivate him to live until the next day to see if there really is light at the end of the tunnel.
This is not a simple and seemingly indifferent “This will pass”, “It happens and not so.” Such words show that you really care about what is happening in a person’s life, wish him and you sincerely believe that this will soon pass.
Make it clear that this is just a disease, a treatable condition, after which there is a happy life. Everything will not end with such experiences and emotions.
What do you think about most?
This question will help determine the possible cause of depression, what causes the most concern and occupies a person’s thoughts. You explore all possible causes, but don't settle on just one. When a person draws his own conclusions through such a conversation, he will take responsibility for what can be changed.
Perhaps your loved one now really needs a person who knows how to listen and encourage conversation with the right questions. Be gentle during this time and be prepared to listen more than you speak, and even be silent at the right time.
What time of day is the most difficult for you?
Try to find out when your loved one’s depressing thoughts are most disturbing and be as close as possible at this time. Don't leave him alone. Even when he doesn’t want to talk, believe me, over time this presence of yours will bring extraordinary fruits and healing.
Calling at the right time, the willingness of the other to wait until the time when he wants to talk about the problem, simply being present is very valuable! If you are nearby, hug the person, make tea, sit next to them and just be ready to help with all your being. In the most difficult times, you are there. And most importantly, they are constant.
I'm here to help you.
This is what you can say to confirm all the actions that you are already doing for a person. There is no need to throw around such words if this is not the case. But if it is true, backed up by deeds, it gives strength. It's simple. It is necessary. And in these words there is everything you need to say: I care, although I cannot fully understand everything, but I love and support you.
Silence.
This is the most inconvenient because we always want to fill the silence with something, even if it's talking about the weather. But saying nothing... and just listening... is sometimes the best and most appropriate answer in a given case.
Be sensitive and attentive. Don't chat in vain. Be closer to a person’s heart, it can understand without words.
How can you be ready to provide such support?
Supporting someone during a difficult time is not easy for the person providing the support. Firstly, because you may not know exactly how to help a person. Secondly, because you are simply worried about him, and yes, you also hurt somewhere inside from his pain!
In advance, stock up on patience and love, be prepared to wait as long as necessary. You won't always understand everything. This is not required of you. But if you are there and support and express your care in every possible way, you can do it.
But this requires a certain dedication. We are not always ready to invest so much in someone. To do this you need to really love.
Help a person find meaning in life. If you yourself are confused about this issue, we can talk about it with you. After all, there is nothing more important than the state of the human soul and the contribution we can make to relationships.
Life does not stand still... Some come into this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that someone close to them has died, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person and express their condolences and sympathy. Condolences- this is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude towards the experiences and misfortune of another, expressed in words - orally or in writing - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave so as not to offend, injure, or cause even more suffering?
The word condolences speaks for itself. This, to put it simply, is not so much a ritual as “ with seating disease" Don't let this surprise you. After all, grief is actually a disease. This is a very difficult, painful human condition, and it is well known that “shared grief is half grief.” Condolence usually goes along with sympathy ( Sympathy - feeling together, general feeling) From this it is clear that condolences are sharing grief with a person, an attempt to take on part of his pain. And in a broader sense, condolences are not only words, presence next to the grieving, but also deeds that are aimed at consoling the grieving person.
Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving person, but also written, when a person who cannot express it directly for some reason expresses his sympathy in writing.
Also, offering condolences is in various cases part of business ethics. Such condolences are expressed by organizations, institutions, and firms. Condolences are also used in diplomatic protocol when they are expressed at the official level in interstate relations.
Verbal condolences to the bereaved
The most common way to express condolences is verbally. Verbal condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, co-workers to those who were closer to the deceased through family, friendly and other connections. Verbal condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral or wake).
The first and most important condition for expressing verbal condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, without the work of the soul and sincere sympathy behind it. Otherwise, condolences turn into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving person, but in many cases also causes him additional pain. Unfortunately, this is not a rare case these days. It must be said that people in grief subtly sense lies that at other times they would not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to say empty and false words that have no warmth.
How to express verbal condolences:
To express your condolences please consider the following:
- There is no need to be ashamed of your feelings. Do not try to artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings towards the grieving person and in expressing warm words towards the deceased.
- Remember that condolences can often be expressed in more than just words. If you cannot find the right words, you can express your condolences with whatever your heart tells you. In some cases, touching the grieving person is quite enough. You can (if in this case it is appropriate and ethical) shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving person. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. The same can be done by condolences who do not have close relationships with the family of the deceased or knew him little during his lifetime. For them, it is enough to shake hands with relatives at the cemetery as a sign of condolences.
- When expressing condolences, it is very important not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to reinforce these words with an offer of all possible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Sympathetic people at all times understood that their words without deeds could turn out to be dead and formal. What are these things? This is a prayer for the deceased and the grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church), this is an offer of help with the housework and organizing a funeral, this is all possible financial assistance (this does not mean at all that you are “paying off”), as well as many different types of assistance. Actions will not only reinforce your words, but will also make life easier for the grieving person, and will also allow you to do a good deed.
Therefore, when you say words of condolences, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving person, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight and sincerity.
How to find the right words to express condolences
Finding the right, sincere, accurate words of condolences that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to choose them? There are rules for this:
People at all times, before saying words of condolences, prayed. This is very important, because it is so difficult to find the kind words needed in this situation. And prayer calms us, turns our attention to God, whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for the granting of consolation to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can then say in condolences. We highly recommend that you pray before going to express your condolences. You can pray anywhere, it will not take much time and effort, it will not cause harm, but will bring a huge amount of benefit.
In addition, we often have grievances, both against the person to whom we will offer condolences, and against the deceased himself. It is these grievances and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of consolation.
So that this does not interfere with us, it is necessary to forgive in prayer those with whom you are offended, and then the necessary words will come on their own.
- Before you say words of consolation to a person, it is better to think about your attitude towards the deceased.
In order for the necessary words of condolences to come, it would be good to remember the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, remember what he taught you, the joys that he brought you during his life. You can remember the history and the most important moments of his life. After this, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolences.
- Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how the person (or people) to whom you are going to express condolences are feeling now.
Think about their experiences, the extent of their loss, their internal state at the moment, the history of their relationship. If you do this, the right words will come on their own. All you have to do is say them.
It is important to note that even if the person to whom condolences are addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, then this should in no way affect your attitude towards the grieving person. You cannot know the degree of remorse (present and future) of that person or persons.
Expressing condolences is not only a sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. When a person speaks words of sympathy, it is quite appropriate to sincerely briefly ask for forgiveness for what you consider yourself to be guilty of before the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.
Examples of verbal condolences
Here are a few examples of verbal condolences. We would like to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use only ready-made stamps, because... the person to whom you offer condolences needs not so much the right words as sympathy, sincerity and honesty.
- He meant a lot to me and to you, I mourn with you.
- Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
- There are no words to express your sorrow. She meant a lot in your life and mine. Never forget…
- It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
- I'm very sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...
- Unfortunately, in this imperfect world we have to experience this. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
- This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, it’s harder for you now than anyone else. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please let's walk this path together
- Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Excuse me! I mourn with you.
- This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
- It is difficult to express in words how much good he did to me. All our differences are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry with me throughout my life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.
I would like to especially emphasize that when expressing condolences, one should do without pomposity, pretentiousness, or theatricality.
What not to say when expressing condolences
Let's talk about common mistakes made by those who are trying to somehow support the grieving, but in fact risk causing him even more severe suffering.
Everything that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCES for PEOPLE EXPERIENCED THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCK stage of grief, which usually begins on the first day and can end on days 9 to 40 of loss (if grief proceeds normally). ALL ADVICE IN THIS ARTICLE IS GIVEN WITH SUCH GRIEVING PARTICIPALLY IN CONSIDERATION.
As we have already said, the most important thing is that condolences are not formal. We must try not to speak (not write) insincere, general words. In addition, it is very important that when expressing condolences, empty, banal, meaningless and tactless phrases are not used. It is important to note that in an attempt to console a person who has lost a loved one in any way, gross mistakes are made, which not only do not console, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, and disappointment on the part of the grieving person. This happens because a psychologically grieving person in the shock stage of grief experiences, perceives and feels everything differently. This is why it is better to avoid mistakes when expressing condolences.
Here are examples of frequently used phrases that, according to experts, are not recommended to be said when expressing condolences to a person who is in the acute phase of grief:
You can't "console" the future
"Time will pass, still give birth"(if the child died), "You are beautiful, then will you get married again"(if the husband died), etc. - This is a completely tactless statement for a grieving person. He hasn't mourned yet, hasn't experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he experiences the pain of real loss. And he still cannot see the future that he is told about. Therefore, such “consolation” from a person who may think that he is thus giving hope to the grieving person is in fact tactless and terribly stupid.
« Do not Cry“Everything will pass” - people who utter such words of “sympathy” give completely wrong instructions to the grieving person. In turn, such attitudes make it impossible for the grieving person to react to his emotions and hide his pain and tears. The grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may begin (or become convinced) to think that crying is bad. This can have an extremely difficult impact on both the psycho-emotional and somatic state of the mourner and on the entire experience of the crisis. Usually the words “don’t cry, you need to cry less” are said by those people who do not understand the feelings of the mourner. This most often happens because the “sympathizers” themselves are traumatized by the crying of the grieving person, and they, trying to get away from this trauma, give such advice.
Naturally, if a person constantly cries for more than a year, then this is already a reason to contact a specialist, but if the grieving person expresses his grief several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.
"Don't worry, Everything will be fine” is another rather empty statement, which the sympathizer imagines as optimistic and even as giving hope to the mourner. It is necessary to understand that a person who is experiencing grief perceives this statement very differently. He does not yet see the good, he does not strive for it. At the moment, he doesn’t really care what happens next. He has not yet come to terms with the loss, has not mourned it, has not begun to build a new life without a loved one. And for this reason, such empty optimism will irritate him rather than help him.
« It's bad, of course, but time heals“- Another banal phrase that neither the grieving person nor the person who pronounces it can understand. God, prayer, good deeds, acts of mercy and alms can heal the soul, but time cannot heal! Over time, a person can adapt and get used to it. In any case, it is pointless to say this to the grieving person when time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing the loss, is not making plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed over time. It seems to him that it will always be like this now. That is why such a phrase evokes negative feelings towards the speaker.
Let’s give a metaphor: for example, a child was hit hard, is experiencing severe pain, crying, and they say to him, “It’s bad that you hit yourself, but let it console you that it will heal before the wedding.” Do you think this will calm the child down or cause other, bad feelings towards you?
When expressing condolences, it is impossible to utter wishes to the mourner that are oriented towards the future. For example, “I wish you to get back to work quickly,” “I hope that you will soon regain your health,” “I wish you to come to your senses quickly after such a tragedy,” etc. Firstly, these wishes, which are oriented towards the future, are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given in this capacity. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which in a state of acute grief a person still does not yet see. This means that these phrases will disappear into emptiness at best. But it is possible that the griever will perceive this as your call to him to end his grief, which he simply physically cannot do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions on the part of the grieving person.
You cannot find positive elements in a tragedy and devalue the loss.
Rationalizing the positive aspects of death, instilling positive conclusions from the loss, devaluing the loss by finding a certain benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss, most often does not console the grieving person either. The bitterness of the loss does not become less, the person perceives what happened as a catastrophe
“He feels better this way. He was sick and exhausted"- Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression on the part of the person experiencing grief. Even if the grieving person admits the truth of this statement, the pain of the loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases, this can provoke resentment in the grieving person towards the departed - “You feel good now, you are not suffering, but I feel bad.” Such thoughts in the subsequent experience of grief can be a source of guilt in the grieving person.
Often when expressing condolences the following statements are heard: “It’s good that the mother wasn’t hurt,” “It’s hard, but you still have children.” They also should not be said to the grieving person. The arguments that are given in such statements are also not able to reduce a person’s pain from loss. He, of course, understands that everything could have been worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot console him. A mother cannot replace a dead father, and a second child cannot replace the first.
Every person knows that it is impossible to console a fire victim by saying that his house burned down, but his car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in its worst form.
“Hold on, because others have it worse than you”(it can be even worse, you are not the only one, there is so much evil around - many suffer, your husband is here, and their children died, etc.) - also a fairly common case in which the sympathizer tries to compare the grieving person with the one “ who has it worse." At the same time, he hopes that the person grieving from this comparison will understand that his loss is not the worst, that it can be even worse, and thus his pain from the loss will decrease.
This is an unacceptable practice. It is impossible to compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of other people. Firstly, for a normal person, if everyone around is feeling bad, then this does not improve, but rather worsens the person’s condition. Secondly, a grieving person cannot compare himself with others. For now, his grief is the most bitter. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to do harm than good.
You can’t look for the “extreme”
When expressing condolences, one cannot say or mention that the death could have been prevented in any way. For example, “Oh, if we had sent him to the doctor”, “why didn’t we pay attention to the symptoms”, “if you had not left, then perhaps this would not have happened”, “if you had listened then”, “if We wouldn’t let him go,” etc.
Such statements (usually incorrect) cause in a person who is already very worried, an additional feeling of guilt, which will then have a very bad effect on his psychological state. This is a very common mistake that arises from our usual desire to find someone “to blame”, “extreme” in death. In this case, we make ourselves and the person to whom condolences are “guilty.”
Another attempt to find the “extreme”, and not to express sympathy, are statements that are completely inappropriate when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished,” “this driver should be killed (brought to justice),” “these terrible doctors should be judged.” These statements (fairly or unfairly) place the blame on someone else and are a condemnation of another. But assigning someone to blame, solidarity in unkind feelings towards him, cannot at all soften the pain of loss. Punishing someone responsible for death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements put the mourner into a state of strong aggression towards the person responsible for the death of a dear person. But grief specialists know that a grieving person can turn aggression towards the perpetrator on himself at any moment, thereby making things even worse for himself. So you shouldn’t utter such phrases, fueling the fire of hatred, condemnation, and aggression. It is better to talk only about sympathy for the grieving person, or about the attitude towards the deceased.
“God gave - God took”- another often used “consolation” that actually does not console at all, but simply shifts the “blame” for the death of a person to God. We must understand that a person in the acute stage of grief is least concerned about the question of who took the person from his life. The suffering in this acute phase will not be made easier because God has taken and not another. But the most dangerous thing is that by suggesting in this way to shift the blame onto God, you can cause aggression in a person and not have good feelings towards God.
And this happens at the moment when the salvation of the grieving person himself, as well as the soul of the deceased, is precisely turning to God in prayer. And obviously, this creates additional complications if you consider God to be “guilty.” Therefore, it is better not to use the stamp “God gave - God took”, “Everything is in the hands of God”. The only exception is such condolences addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God’s providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, mentioning this can indeed be a comfort.
“This happened for his sins”, “you know, he drank a lot”, “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like that” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased himself. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding the grieving person of the shortcomings of the person who died not only does not console, but on the contrary makes the loss even more tragic, develops a sense of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain. In addition, a person who expresses “condolence” in this way, completely undeservedly, puts himself in the role of a judge who not only knows the cause, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, connecting certain causes with the effect. This characterizes the sympathizer as ill-mannered, who thinks a lot about himself, and stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, despite what a person has done in his life, only God has the right to judge him.
I would like to emphasize that “consolation” with condemnation and assessment is categorically unacceptable when expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless “condolences”, it is necessary to remember the well-known rule “It’s either good or nothing about the deceased.”
Other common mistakes when expressing condolences
They often say the phrase when expressing condolences “I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you” This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of another, it is not true. Even if you had similar situations and you think that you experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. No one can understand another's physical pain except the one experiencing it. And everyone’s soul hurts especially. Do not say such phrases about knowing and understanding the pain of the mourner, even if you have experienced similar things. You shouldn't compare feelings. You can't feel the same way he does. Be tactful. Respect the other person's feelings. It’s better to limit yourself to the words “I can only guess how bad you feel”, “I see how you grieve”
It is strictly not recommended to tactlessly inquire about details when expressing sympathy. “How did this happen?” “Where did this happen?”, “What did he say before his death?” This is no longer an expression of condolences, but curiosity, which is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if it does not cause him trauma (but this, of course, does not mean that it is impossible to talk about the loss at all).
It happens that when offering condolences, people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will help the mourner to more easily cope with grief - “You know that I feel bad too,” “When my mother died, I also almost went crazy.” ", "Me too, just like you. I feel very bad, my father also died,” etc. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and your desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your sadness is not worth it. In this way, a multiplication of grief and pain can occur, a mutual induction that not only does not improve, but can even worsen the condition. As we have already said, it is little consolation for a person that others are also feeling bad.
Often condolences are expressed in phrases that are more like appeals - “ You must live for the sake of”, “You must endure”, “You must not”, “you need, you must do”. Such appeals, of course, are not condolences and sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when conscription was practically the only understandable form of addressing a person. Such appeals to duty for a person who is in acute grief are most often ineffective and usually cause misunderstanding and irritation in him. A person who feels in grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of experiences, and he is also obliged to do something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces that he is not understood.
Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss it later in a calm atmosphere, convey this idea when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.
Sometimes people try to express sympathy in poetry. This makes condolences pompous, insincerity and pretense and at the same time does not contribute to achieving the main goal - expressing sympathy and sharing grief. On the contrary, it gives the expression of condolences a touch of theatricality and play.
So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love are not expressed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.
Renowned grief psychologist A.D. Wolfelt also provides the following recommendations on what NOT to do when communicating with a person who is experiencing acute grief
The refusal of a grieving person to talk or offer help should not be regarded as a personal attack against you or against your relationship with him. We must understand that the person grieving at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, and be in a state of feelings that are very difficult for another person to assess. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from such a person’s refusals. Be merciful to him. Wait for him to get back to normal.
You cannot distance yourself from a person, deprive him of your support, or ignore him. A grieving person may perceive this as your reluctance to communicate, as a rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are scared, if you are afraid to impose yourself, if you are modest, then take into account these characteristics of the grieving person. Don't ignore him, but go up and explain to him.
Don't be afraid of intense emotions and leave the situation. Sympathetic people are often frightened by the strong emotions of those grieving, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. But, despite this, you cannot show that you are scared and distance yourself from these people. This may also be misunderstood by them.
You should not try to talk to those who are grieving without affecting their feelings. A person who experiences acute grief is in the grip of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will not have results. This happens because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring his feelings. If you talk to a person without affecting his feelings, it will be like talking in different languages.
You cannot use force (squeezing, grabbing hands). Sometimes sympathizers involved in grief may lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, despite strong feelings and emotions, it is necessary to maintain control over oneself in behavior with the grieving person. Strong displays of emotions, clenching in arms.
Condolences: etiquette and rules
Ethical rules state that “often the death of a loved one is notified not only to relatives and close friends who usually participate in funerals and memorials, but also to comrades and simply distant acquaintances. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in the funeral or to visit the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in mourning ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.
If a mourning message is sent in writing, then the person receiving it should, if possible, personally take part in the funeral, visit the grieving family to express condolences in person, be with the grieving, offer help, and console.
But people who were not at the funeral ceremonies should also express their condolences. Based on tradition, a condolence visit should be made within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When going to a funeral or condolence visit, you should wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes a dark coat is simply worn over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. During a condolence visit, it is not customary to discuss any other issues not related to death, to speak tactlessly on abstract topics, remembering funny stories, or to discuss work problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for a different reason, do not turn your visit into a repeated expression of condolences. On the contrary, if appropriate, next time try to entertain your relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the grief they suffered, and you will make it easier for them to return to the mainstream of everyday life. If a person cannot make a personal visit for some reason, then you need to send a written condolence, telegram, email or SMS message.”
Written expression of condolences
How condolences were expressed in letters. A brief excursion into history
What is the history of expressing condolences? How did our ancestors do it? Let's look at this issue in more detail. Here is what Dmitry Evsikov, an applicant on the topic “Worldview Aspects of Life” writes:
“In the epistolary culture of Russia in the 17th-19th centuries, there were letters of consolation, or letters of consolation. In the archives of Russian tsars and nobility you can find examples of consoling letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolences (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of information, love, instruction, and command. Letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information about the causes and circumstances of people's deaths. In the 17th century, correspondence was the prerogative of kings and royal officials. Letters of condolences and letters of consolation belonged to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to events related to the death of loved ones. This is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the position of others, to understand and take their grief and joy to heart was one of the best traits in the king’s character. It is necessary to read his consoling letters to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of the death of his son and to Ordin-Nashchokin on the occasion of his son’s escape abroad - one must read these sincere letters to see to what heights of delicacy and moral sensitivity this ability to be imbued with the grief of others could raise even an unstable person. In 1652, the son of Prince. Nick. Odoevsky, who was then serving as a governor in Kazan, died of a fever almost in front of the Tsar’s eyes. The tsar wrote to the old father to console him, and, among other things, wrote: “And you, our boyar, should not grieve too much, but you can’t, so as not to grieve and cry, and you need to cry, only in moderation, so that God don't make me angry." The author of the letter did not limit himself to a detailed story about the unexpected death and an abundant stream of consolations to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not resist adding: “Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Don’t worry, but trust in God and be reliable in us.”(Klyuchevsky V. O. Course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).
In the 18th-19th centuries, epistolary culture was an integral part of everyday noble life. In the absence of alternative types of communication, writing was a means not only of transmitting information, but also of expressing feelings, emotions, and assessments, as in direct face-to-face communication. Letters of that time were very similar to a confidential conversation, based on speech patterns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected the individuality and emotional state of the writer. Correspondence allows one to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and lifestyle, the circle of friends and interests of the writer, and the main stages of his life.
Among the letters related to the fact of death, 3 main groups can be distinguished.
The first group is letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to relatives and friends of the deceased. Unlike later letters, the messages of that time were more an emotional assessment of the event of death than a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually letters of consolation. They were often a response to a notification letter. But even if the mourner did not send a letter notifying him of the death of his relative, a consoling letter was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of remembering the deceased.
The third group is written responses to letters of consolation, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.
In the 18th century, historians note a significant weakening of interest in the topic of death in Russian society. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious ideas, has faded into the background in secular society. The topic of death has to some extent become taboo. Along with this, the culture of condolences and sympathy was also lost; There is a void in this area. Of course, this also affected the epistolary culture of society. Letters of comfort have become part of formal etiquette, but have not completely disappeared from communicative culture. In the 18th-19th centuries, so-called “Pismovniki” began to be published to help those writing on difficult topics. These were guides for writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write and format a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, and provided samples of letters, phrases and expressions for various life situations, including cases of death, expressions of condolences. “Consolation letters” is one of the sections of letter writers that gave advice on how to support the grieving person and express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. Consolation letters were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the mourner and console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a letter of consolation required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of recommendations for writing letters of consolation in one of the 18th century letter books, “The General Secretary, or a new complete letter book.” (Printing house of A. Reshetnikov, 1793)
Letters of comfort “In this kind of letter, the heart must be touched and say one thing, without the help of the mind. ... You can disqualify yourself from any decent greeting, except for this, and there is no more praiseworthy habit than to console each other in sorrows. Fate inflicts so much misfortune on us that we would act inhumanely if we did not give each other such relief. When the person to whom we are writing indulges in her sadness excessively, then instead of suddenly holding back her first tears, we should mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In this kind of letters one can use the features of moral teaching and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and condition of the writer to whom they are writing. But when we write to such persons, who should rejoice rather than grieve over someone’s death, it is better to abandon such vivid ideas. I confess that it is not allowed to adapt to the secret feelings of their hearts in a frank manner: decency forbids this; Prudence requires in such cases to extend and leave great condolences. In other cases, one can speak more expansively about disasters that are inseparable from the human condition. In general, to say: what misfortunes does each of us not endure in this life? Lack of property forces you to work from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all those who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more common than to see tears flowing over the death of a relative or friend.”
And this is what the samples of consoling letters looked like, given as examples for writing.
“My Empress! Not in order to appease you from your lamentation, I have the honor of writing this letter to you, for your sadness is very correct, but in order to offer you my services, and everything that depends on me, or better yet, to mourn with you in common the death of your dear husband. He was my friend and proved his friendship with countless good deeds. Judge, madam, whether I have any reason to regret him and to add my tears to your tears of our common sadness. Nothing can console my sorrow except perfect submission to God's will. His Christian death also approves of me, assuring me of the bliss of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you too will be of my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, you should still be consoled by his heavenly well-being and prefer it to your short-lived pleasure here. Honor him by keeping him everlasting in your memory, imagining his virtues and the love he had for you in his life. Have fun raising your children, in whom you see him come alive. If sometimes it happens to shed a tear for him, then believe that I cry for him with you, and all honest people share their pity with you, among whom he acquired love and respect for himself, so that he will never be in their memory will not die, but especially in mine; because I am with special zeal and respect, my lady! Your…"
The tradition of condolences has not died in our time, when the culture of attitude towards death is in all respects similar to past centuries. Today we can still observe the absence in society of a culture of dealing with death, of an open discussion of the phenomenon of death and a culture of burial. The awkwardness experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expressions of sympathy, and condolences transfer the topic of death to the category of undesirable, inconvenient aspects of everyday life. Expressing condolences is more an element of etiquette than a sincere need for empathy. Probably for this reason, “writers” still exist, giving recommendations on how, what, in what cases, in what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed. They are still called "scribes."
Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons
About the death of a spouse
Expensive …
We deeply mourn the death... . She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and kind disposition. We miss her very much and can only imagine what a blow her passing was for you. We remember how she once... She involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better people. ... was a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.
About the death of a parent
Expensive …
… Even though I never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his thriftiness, love of life and how tenderly he cared for you, it seems to me that I knew him too. I think a lot of people will miss him. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very glad if you shared your memories of your dad. Thinking about you and your family.
About the death of a child
... We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We wish we could find words to somehow ease your pain, but it’s hard to imagine if such words exist at all. The loss of a child is the most terrible grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. We are praying for you.
About the death of a colleague
Example 1. I was deeply saddened by the news of (name)'s death and would like to express my sincere sympathy to you and the other employees of your firm. My colleagues share my deep sadness at his/her passing.
Example 2. It is with deep regret that I learned about the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey to you my condolences for the loss of such a talented organizer.
Example 3. I would like to express to you our deep feelings regarding the death of Mrs.…. Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.
Example 4. We were deeply saddened to learn yesterday of the death of Mr...
Example 5. The news of the sudden death of Mr.... was a huge shock for us.
Example 6. We find it difficult to believe the sad news of the death of Mr...
