What should a woman be prepared for in a relationship with a man?
I did not take your letters as the basis for this article and, honestly, I have not decided on a clear structure for its content. But I know for sure that I will write about men. About what difficulties and joys await us, women, in relationships with them, about what weaknesses men have.
I will write about how important it is to take care of them and give them timely, excuse me, slaps on the head. Can I not write as is customary, but write as I feel it should be presented here?
I just put my hands on the keyboard at one point and away we go...
What should a woman be prepared for in a relationship with a man?– I think it turned out very interesting and you will like it.
Which is better, humorous or serious? Let’s do this, let it be as it turns out, but the main thing is not to offend any of the men. Let's start.
Uncertainty
A woman refers to a man’s behavior in certain situations as uncertainty: whether we are a couple or not, whether he wants to rent an apartment together or not, whether he wants to get married or not, whether he is ready for children or not.
In fact, a man is always quite confident in everything. If he has decided on his choice, he does it (calls, meets, gets married, agrees to have a child). If not, then he also decided for himself: “I don’t want and I don’t do it.” The fact is that women do not like a negative answer. Men know this, that's why they remain silent. Or they disappear altogether, has that happened?
But it seems to us that the man “seems to have not decided anything for himself yet.” Be ready to accept his decisions, even if they are not what you want, read between the lines, what else do we have left?.. Or master the art of negotiating with a man, I often talk about this in my trainings.
Responsibility
Are men afraid of responsibility?? – Yes, if the man is between 18 and 24 years old. Where does this data come from? – Everything is mother psychology with its statistics and experience of the best Russian experts in the field of studying personality psychology. I agree with these conclusions, so I feel free to use them in my material.
When a man reaches the age of 25 or more, he is ready to take responsibility for himself and his life, and also has every chance of becoming an exemplary husband and father. But a woman must be prepared for the fact that the man will decide for himself with whom and when he is ready to share responsibility for the relationship.
It’s easier to say, the greater the pressure on a man, the stronger the opposing force in him and, yes, he will run away from responsibility for one simple reason: it is imposed on him and forced to do something that was not initially his initiative.
You are probably tormented by the question of how to push him to make an independent decision? – Remember the behavior of children. If, during a hysteria, you tell him that he can continue in the same spirit, and encourage him to scream louder, he will calm down much faster.
If you tell a man that marriage is not the goal of your whole life, while creating in him the desire and understanding that you are the best match for him, you will win. More practical advice on this issue in my article: .
But remember, if a man doubts a woman, your relationship has crossed the line, for example, one year after you started living together, and he does not propose, you have the right to push him in a more direct way, so as not to waste time:
How do you see our future and do you see it at all? I want a family, I want children. If you doubt me, then give me a chance to get what I want with someone else. Just like you can find a more worthy match for yourself...
Avoidance
Any problem in a relationship causes a protest in a man and a desire to avoid shame and further litigation with the woman he loves. One of the most important weaknesses of a man is his diligent avoidance of feelings of shame. Every time a woman makes a complaint to a man and expresses her dissatisfaction, he feels his failure as a husband, a man, a father.
There is nothing worse for a man than to experience such a feeling. A woman should be prepared for the fact that he will avoid the conversation. For many women, it will be useful to develop the right approach to a man when resolving conflicts and disputes. I already talked about how to do this in an online webinar, the recording of which you will find
Maturation
By the age of 35, a man decides what he wants from life: career, family, ability to afford anything, dreams, plans and goals. If by this time he has already arranged his personal life, then loyalty to the family will depend on the ability of his wife to be his reliable support and friend throughout the entire journey of finding and creating himself.
In other words, if your man does something, strives, systematically takes off and falls to his knees (only he seems to have achieved something and, bam, you’ve got some kind of opportunity again. Again he starts something, tries it on, tries it on) - Don’t rush to lose your composure and nag him.
The main thing is that he does not give up or betray his aspirations to achieve success in life. Give him time. He will succeed. Believe in him. Or just leave him this right and his at the same time.
About weaknesses
May men forgive me for my perhaps excessive frankness, but in relationships with men, a woman should be prepared for unusual manifestations in terms of the intimate side. We are talking about sexual desires and fantasies that are incomprehensible to many women.
Men love to diversify their intimate life (oral sex, anal sex, sex with toys, prostate massage (after discussing with a man), female dominance, sex with elements of sadomasochism, fetishism, masturbation and masturbation). In addition, most people like to watch porn, engage in voyeurism, and so on.
If a woman perceives and accepts such weaknesses of her man without ridicule and disgust, the man will engage in such activities with less enthusiasm, will not hide from his wife and resort to the services of other women. It is important that his hobbies do not harm himself, the lives of other people and the climate in the family.
Mental deviations in a man’s sexual behavior cannot be ignored. These are rare cases, so there is no need to immediately sound the alarm. In most cases this is normal. One way or another, the couple themselves sets the rules within their union and you always have the opportunity to talk with your loved one and find a compromise.
The most important thing is to understand a man. Whether or not to accept all his cockroaches is up to you. But under no circumstances humiliate him, thereby provoking aggression and withdrawal.
A short time after meeting, having entered into a new romantic relationship, people in a couple often begin to experience ambiguous feelings associated with doubts, uncertainty and indecision. Such uncertainty is quite natural.
The process of emotional and psychological rapprochement does not happen quickly. And it is based on certain patterns.
Having started dating a new partner, a person may not immediately understand his essence. The lack of a complete understanding of the partner leaves an imprint of uncertainty on behavior. Many people at this stage, under the influence of doubts, simply break up, not assuming that some alienation is completely natural and natural. According to their understanding, if the partner was ideal for them, then this uncertainty would not exist in him.
Many men, especially if they begin to compare their woman with others. A man may openly look at other potential partners, finding them more attractive. Many men have a certain ideal female image in their heads. But if you ask a man specifically what this ideal consists of, he will not be able to answer intelligibly. The image of an ideal woman is always far from reality. And a man tends to forget about him completely when he actually meets his chosen one, in a relationship with whom he feels successful.
for a particular woman, in the male understanding, is equivalent to the ability to make her happy. Having come to the conviction that it is beyond the power of a man to make his chosen one happy, the image of a certain feminine ideal reappears in the male consciousness. If a woman, although a man is madly in love with her, makes it clear openly that all his attempts to make her happy will be unsuccessful, then the man will unconsciously lead himself to the conclusion that he does not have a soul for this real person. If a woman gives a man the opportunity to pursue her by gently refusing sexual contact, then the man will only be grateful. His interest in a woman will not be satisfied immediately, his attraction will not decrease, but will only increase, as well as the desire to get to know the woman better.
Doubts often creep into a man when he is not even familiar with the basics of womanhood. If a woman does not openly express her feelings, does not share her thoughts with a man, then it is very difficult for him to understand whether she needs him at all. And this misunderstanding develops into doubts about oneself. For example, a woman aloud expressed delight at an expensive car she accidentally saw. Most likely, she admired him without any selfish motives. However, a man may think that a woman has great demands, therefore, in order to make her happy, he will need to have a similar car. It is in this situation that many men decide that their girlfriend is not suitable for them. Meanwhile, enthusiasm for the car from a woman’s lips could escape purely by chance. The share of blame for a man’s doubts belongs to the woman.
So that your partner has no doubts about his choice, she should learn to properly respond to the actions that a man does for her. By the way, an action does not mean some extremely significant feat, but quite ordinary actions with which a man tries to bring joy to a woman. For example, usually in the early stages of a relationship, the man thinks about the dating scenario. He plans it, thinks of where to go, what to do. Perhaps for the sake of a date, a man refuses important things for himself. This is also a kind of feat, since when planning a date, a man thinks about his girlfriend. On a date, most likely the man will try to be as gallant and helpful as possible, perhaps he will come with flowers, and will make sure that his companion feels comfortable with him. This is also a feat. You should not treat such behavior without any emotion, even if the woman is accustomed to gallant behavior and perceives it as something ordinary. If a woman lets a man know that she likes his advances, then he will feel needed by her, which means that his attraction to her will increase. He will want to continue the relationship further.
Women should also accept this peculiarity that men do not share their feelings openly, and especially at the dawn of a relationship. Many women perceive this trait as emotional closedness. But men still express their feelings. Not with words, but through actions. A woman’s mistake would be to ask a man about his feelings or considerations regarding their relationship. This will push the man away. Men perceive such questions as criticism, which certainly adds doubts regarding their choice. Unable to figure out what feelings a man is really experiencing, a woman often begins to panic and worry. This excitement subconsciously passes to the man too. And if he has also moved slightly away from her, which is also natural at the stage of uncertainty that arises after physical attraction, she begins to actively pursue the man, bombarding him with calls and messages, offers to meet, etc. Such obsessive behavior does not make her look good, but only increases the likelihood that the man, under the influence of doubts, will simply refuse to continue the relationship further. If a woman begins to fuss, then the male mind takes this as an attempt to impose himself. If a woman imposes herself, it means that no one really needs her. Such conclusions are born in a man’s head. That’s why you should build relationships slowly, without overwhelming your partner with excessive emotionality and questions.
Wise women, on the contrary, give a man the opportunity to distance himself. This naturally returns to the woman a hundredfold, and male interest is only fueled by this opportunity. In addition, when in the ambiguity phase a woman does not pursue a man, but simply enjoys her life, this benefits her too. She has the opportunity to soberly assess what she can get from this relationship. The uncertainty stage lasts from a week to two months. During this period, a man may not date a woman at all. But lack of contact will not mean that he forgot his girlfriend, that he stopped liking her, or that he found someone better. However, this is exactly how male silence is perceived by most women who are not versed in the peculiarities of the psychology of men. Meanwhile, by giving the partner time and allowing the relationship to develop naturally, a woman will acquire additional value and significance in men’s eyes. Subsequently, when the long-awaited call from the man does arrive, we can assume that this very relationship has moved to a qualitatively different level.
Doubts of any nature are as much a part of human nature as instincts and reflexes. Scientists are convinced that a baby begins to doubt before he can walk and talk. Thus, nature made sure that man did not waste physical and mental resources. By asking ourselves the question “am I doing the right thing?”, we choose only those decisions that are vitally important during this particular period of time. And if long-term deliberation about whether bungee jumping is worth it will help you avoid unreasonable risks, then in the sphere of personal relationships, uncertainty and indecision become a factor that can significantly complicate life. Or miss the gift of fate.
A deeper examination of the issue reveals that doubts about existing relationships are most often caused by one of three reasons:
A) self-doubt. A happy personal life is impossible if one of the partners constantly doubts his own importance, is afraid to openly talk about his feelings and desires, worries whether he will be understood correctly;
b) lack of confidence in your partner. In this case, as a rule, the doubter has already had a negative experience or observed a sadly ended relationship from the outside;
V) self-confidence. A carefully thought-out image of a partner does not allow a person to establish any lasting connection, since each new applicant, after a while, suddenly turns out to have shortcomings that do not fit into the ideal portrait of a loved one (oops).
Shyness, laziness, fears, guilt, complexes, lack of self-sufficiency, lack of awareness and even ambition - no matter what emotions and feelings serve as the basis for insecurity, the main thing to remember is: they will never be able to fill family life with joy and happiness.
A qualified specialist will help you find the true cause of uncertainty, and this may take quite a bit. long time.
Don't get tired of thanking
“By living with an attitude of gratitude, we can make a big difference in the world.” Joe Vitale
We become more confident in ourselves and those around us when, according to our picky assessments, there are much more good moments in our lives than unpleasant ones. But there is a small nuance: what we previously considered attractive, excellent, positive over time becomes completely ordinary. And as a result, it seems to us that fate, not forgetting to throw challenges, intends to keep us in a routine for the rest of our lives. But no one has canceled the law of “attraction” - everything that we direct our attention to begins to be attracted.
Shifting your focus from negative to positive is quite easy. Start with memories of the most pleasant moments of your life. And don't forget recent events, especially those that are now classified as "neutral". It didn’t turn out so little, right?
The very interesting “Gratitude Diary” method will help to increase the effect many times over. According to people who were not lazy to keep it, the “Diary...” works wonders, and above all, in relationships. Every day they wrote down several three types of gratitude in it: 1) to life, 2) to people, 3) to themselves. And it turned out that you can be grateful for many things: a stranger for giving his hand at the exit from the transport, a loved one for a morning cappuccino, fate for a loved one, oneself for a report that was praised by the boss, and the boss for a kind word.
Just a few days will pass and you will notice how much other people do for you. This will help to focus attention not on the shortcomings of others, but on their merits. In addition, you will no longer take any support and assistance provided to you for granted and quite ordinary. And most importantly, there will be no place for despondency and doubt in your life, because now you know for sure: there is a lot of joy, happiness and love in this world, and you deserve it.
How to get rid of uncertainty
“Change yourself and everything around you will change.” Doubts in relationships most often appear when you don’t want to lose them (the relationship). And if a loved one is dear to you, it means that all is not lost, there is still a chance to fix everything and make life together more harmonious and joyful. But you need to start with yourself.
Let's look to the future. Sometimes the question of maintaining a relationship reaches the stage of “to be or not to be?” Take the “to be” option and imagine what will happen to you if events develop in this direction in an hour, in a month, in a year, and in 10 years? Now decide what will happen if you choose the “don’t be” option. Based on the pictures drawn by your imagination and the feelings you experienced, make the right choice.
Compliments are a great power. Learn to accept compliments correctly. Leave the answers “just lucky” and “it’s me who looks slim in heels” in the past. A slight smile and words of gratitude will be enough. And, of course, give compliments yourself. It’s easy for you, and will lift the mood and self-esteem of others.
Ratings aside. You shouldn’t give out “twos” and “threes” to both others and yourself. This is just a waste of time and getting stuck on the negative. And especially don’t compare yourself and others. Everyone is unique, everyone has virtues for which their loved ones love them. And one more thing - stop imagining that those around you do nothing but evaluate you. Believe me, they have plenty of their own worries. And remember - there are no ideal people.
Bringing virtues to light. Make a list of your successes and positive character traits. Now make exactly the same dossier on your loved one. Look at them often and don’t forget to add to them.
We thank our partner. For everything he gives, does, gives. After all, there is a reason! And don't be afraid to overdo it. As the French moralist Jean de La Bruyère said, “There is no excess in the world more beautiful than an excess of gratitude.”
Let's try on the mask. Temporarily. Then throw it away as unnecessary. So, if you have an example of a confident person, then try to act and talk like him. Second option: remember the times when you behaved very convincingly. What and how did they say at the same time, how did they look, move, what did they feel? After all, it was, because you can! Record this state, feel it, and live like this – confidently and freely.
Indian guru, founder of the International Association “Universal Human Values” and the International Organization “Art of Living” Sri Sri Ravi Shankar:
– You know, doubt always arises in relation to something positive. You always doubt a person's honesty, and you never doubt a person's dishonesty. When someone tells you, “I love you,” you ask, “Really?” And when someone tells you, “I hate you,” you never ask them, “Really?” You are not sure of your happiness. When someone asks us if we are happy, we answer, “Well, I'm not sure.” But we are so sure of our depression. We never doubt our weakness, we always doubt our strength. If you observe, all the beautiful things like love, happiness, honesty and sincerity are always questioned. So, any doubt is a good sign.
Inna Gracheva
The second stage of dating occurs when we realize that someone means more to us than others. We have a desire to get to know our partner better, to become a permanent couple. And at this stage, doubts arise in the relationship. Most people are unaware of this stage and come to the conclusion that the choice was made incorrectly because they have doubts.
A man, for example, believes that since he is not sure of his choice, then he should continue the search. But if at the first stage meeting many women is quite acceptable, then at the second stage it is worth slowing down and it is better to exclude meeting other women. Focus on one acquaintance. This is just the time to decide whether to continue this acquaintance.
A man has an image of his ideal match, but in real life coincidences happen very rarely. And until a man is convinced that a woman is happy next to him, he will compare her with the ideal that is in his imagination. When the relationship continues to develop and the man feels that they are connected by desire, mutual sympathy and interest, then the image of the real person begins to displace the imaginary image. This process takes time.
The man’s task at the second stage is to understand the relationship more deeply. To do this, he should ask the following questions:
Do I want to make her happy?
Am I right for her?
Do I love her?
Am I capable of making her happy?
Does it give me joy to know that she is happy?
Do I miss her when I don't see her?
If a man eventually finds an affirmative answer to each of these questions, he is sufficiently prepared to move to the next stage - the stage of constancy in the relationship.
At the second stage, it is very important for a man to show small signs of attention to a woman. This will give him the opportunity to see from her reaction whether he can bring her joy.
His insecurities and doubts in the relationship will dissipate, but not thanks to what the woman does for the man, but under the influence of her reaction to what he does for her. By the way, this is related to the fact that the man takes upon himself the organization of dates.
A man is the party in a relationship that gives, and the woman, in turn, graciously accepts his care. By showing signs of attention to his companion during a date, a man checks whether he likes doing it. In turn, the woman checks whether she is satisfied by receiving his support.
Thus, an invisible connection is established between a man and a woman.
Without knowing about the different stages of dating, a man can get into trap in your own doubts and instead of checking whether the woman is happy with what he does for her, he focuses on his desires. Asks the question: can she give what he needs?
Thus, he may miss his real mate. If he asks himself whether he is right for her, whether he is the person she needs, he will be able to understand whether it is worth moving on to another stage and taking on certain obligations or ending the acquaintance and starting a relationship with another woman.
I have been in a relationship with a man for a year and a half. I love him, and I thought that this is the person with whom I want to start a family in the future. I thought until he proposed to me... I decided to think a little before answering. He is 36 years old and was married. I have very strong feelings for him, and everything suits me, except that he never particularly courted me. He is like that on his own. He always needs to be pushed: “Darling, maybe we’ll go to the cinema (cafe, water park...).” Only then does he immediately agree, and we go. Flowers are a separate topic, also only if I give a hint. On the one hand, I understand that these are not such important things, the main thing is what kind of husband and father he will be, but I’m a young girl, and I want this, whatever one may say, and on the initiative of a man. And after the proposal, I thought that this was the end. There will never be beautiful courtship, flowers, etc. in my life again. If this doesn’t exist now, then it certainly won’t happen in the future. Maybe I just haven't had enough of it yet? Or is it fear of change? And before the proposal, I just dreamed of being with him. When people are madly in love, they get married without thinking. I can’t do this - I don’t want to get a divorce after 3 years. Therefore, there is some kind of calculation in me, if you can call it that. But one day they told me: “If you have even an ounce of doubt, you need to leave.” I would like to suggest that he just leave everything as it is for now and then decide. But by doing so I'm wasting his time...
Maria, St. Petersburg, 24 years old / 07.26.13
Our experts' opinions
Alyona
In psychology there is such a thing as “love languages”. For one person, love is kisses, touches, tender bodily contacts, sex, finally. For another – care, providing comfort for a loved one. For the third - creating an atmosphere of relationships, romance with flowers and other things. For you, the most important aspect of a relationship with a man is the latter. This is one of the most important needs for you. For your man - no. He feels and “consumes” love differently. If, of course, he is in love, and not pragmatically aimed at creating a family, this is also possible... And unfortunately, when two people speak different love languages, one day a crisis in the relationship inevitably occurs. Especially if these two are not ready to discuss emerging problems and misunderstandings with each other. So it’s not in vain that you are afraid of what might happen after the wedding. In my opinion, this can really become a problem for you, because of which you may one day destroy your marriage with this man if someone appears on your way who can understand you and satisfy your need for romance. This doesn't mean that you haven't had enough fun. It's just a part of you. I think you should discuss this openly and honestly with your man. If he doesn’t understand you, you shouldn’t even try to create a family in which two people speak different love languages and cannot agree. After all, love is also the ability to adapt to a partner, strive to satisfy his needs, and the desire to learn to speak his language of love.
Sergey
Maria, one of the most necessary skills in life together is the ability to talk with your partner. And if something doesn’t suit you, you need to talk about it. After all, we are all different, and everyone needs something different. There are people who, due to their upbringing, simply do not understand the importance of such things as flowers or going to the cinema. But this does not mean that they are callous and unromantic. Sometimes you just need to tell a person what is expected of him. And if he loves, he will certainly try to satisfy such wishes. Although, on the other hand, maybe you are right to doubt it. After all, if you really loved your friend, then such little things would not bother you. Rather, your attitude towards this young man is called love only because it is supposed to be so. You have been living with a man for a year and a half, and therefore you have come up with an excuse for this fact. After all, you have to live with someone, but without love it somehow turns out rotten. Although in reality you are waiting for someone else, with whom there will be no doubts. And if so, then getting married is really not worth it. And probably also waste time on continuing this whole circus. After all, you are not wasting his time, but yours. And the longer you do this, the more difficult it will be to meet your man.
