Who is at risk of burnout or fatigue syndrome? I don't want to talk to anyone

6 chose

So sometimes it happens that suddenly or not suddenly, but you want to change the circle of friends. No, nothing happened, no one offended anyone, didn’t frame anyone, didn’t spread rumors. And it seems that nothing has changed so radically that it would be desirable to change. But as soon as we seem to have ceased to understand each other with these people, they tire, the threads connecting us seem to break. Why is this happening and how to figure it out for ourselves, is it time to update our acquaintances, what we really need - psychologist Maria Pugacheva will help us find answers to these questions today.

Why does a person need a vacation?

Has anyone thought? A person vacations then to relax.

"In principle, we can get tired morally, psychologically, energetically - call it whatever you like - from what is happening around us, what we do, who we communicate with, and so on," explains Maria Pugacheva. Naturally, friends will also fall under this condition. Now this is the scourge of modernity - general fatigue, especially in megacities, every third complains about it. "

Perhaps you just want peace, some kind of serene rest, immersion in yourself, silence, and not communication on the same topics. So friends themselves have nothing to do with it and let them not be offended, you just need time for a good rest.

Growing organism

Another explanation for such moods may be that you grew up in something, developed personally, or simply began to live in some other social category, ideology, worldview, circumstances, and your friends remained the same. “Of course, now you are not only not interested in them, but, perhaps, subconsciously uncomfortable in some way. In this case, changing your social circle abruptly, of course, will be difficult and perhaps not necessary, but you need to gradually make new friends and comrades," advises Maria Pugacheva.

Over time, it is they who will become your friends, and those who were such will remain good old friends. Everything will be natural and logical: no one is offended and you have no guilt.

Take a break

It happens that we have some one problem in life that drags on for months or even years, it weighs us very much, we discuss it with friends, they are constantly interested in how things are going. At first it helps a lot, supports, and then over time it begins to inexplicably annoy, anger, load. “As a result, every time communication with friends becomes, as it were, a resuscitation of this problem, a constant reminder of it. And you, perhaps, have long wanted to get rid of it, finally, not to perceive yourself in it,” says Maria Pugacheva.

For example, if a woman is not married and cannot find a partner for a long time, if someone does not decide on a divorce for a long time, if someone still cannot earn a business, or someone cannot cure a chronic disease in any way. In this case, it is important to ask your friends never to remind you of this again, not to ask how you are doing in this area, not to start talking about it.

“Well, if it’s really hard for you to be in their circle, then try to fall out of it for a while and chat with someone new,” advises Maria Pugacheva. By the way, it is quite possible that your problem will also be solved when you expand the boundaries of your life and your communication.

Have you ever wanted to "break up" with old friends and make new ones? Why do you think this happened, how did you get out of the situation?

Society is divided into those with whom it is pleasant to communicate, and those with whom it is not very. Those with whom communication does not cause emotions also belong to the second category. Each of us has acquaintances who make us sick, and there are those whose attention we are pleased with. “Be simpler, and people will be drawn to you” is such a familiar and hackneyed phrase that you no longer understand how much of a joke it contains and whether it contains at all.

So what criteria become decisive in relation to a comfortable relationship?

What "options" should the interlocutor have? After all, eloquence and intelligence alone are not always enough, and here some moral qualities enter the arena. Let's try to understand the issue in more detail. To do this, I will list what annoys me in some people.

Boasting. I can tell you that it doesn't matter - it doesn't matter - you need to be able to correctly "formalize" stories about your achievements in the form of buying a car, an apartment, a ring or chewing gum. Of course, the speaker's success is largely determined by the level of his wealth, but he is greatly mistaken if he believes that the listener will positively perceive everything that he did not throw out when filling out the income declaration. However, the listener, perhaps, will perceive, but this is precisely what determines his level. A delicate mention in passing about one's achievements will make a much greater impression on an adequate public, and open boasting causes a feeling of irritation and rejection.

Abundance of advice. No need to try to look like a storehouse of wise advice and a generator of some super ideas. When some of my acquaintances begin to teach me the mind, I want to hiccup at their shoes, which are five times cheaper than mine. After all, I understand that not out of the kindness of their hearts they sympathetically delve into my problem, but for the sake of self-affirmation. After all, you become head and shoulders taller when you share "wisdom" at a speed of 20 shots per minute. But I never get tired of asking the question: if you are so smart, then why are you so poor?

In general, I can tell you for sure: when I need advice, I say so about it. But when I need a way out of the negative, so that it does not pollute my inner being, there is no need to try to interrupt me by inserting your ridiculous recommendations. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I get slagged, I can rashly and hit. In general, I look sometimes and don’t understand why so many people surround me, when some of them outnumber a dozen in the amount of “knowledge” that, alas, has never been useful to me. I remember an anecdote: what a pity that people who know how to lead the country are already working ... as taxi drivers and hairdressers. Let's go further.

These obsessed egoists are killing me in general. They can talk about themselves for hours, while being sure that the other 10 people are in a mad thrill from their broadcasts. I am afraid at these moments to imagine what happens to the same egoist, only a little more latent, who hid in the circle of listeners. He, probably, waits with lust for his turn and zealously treats the attention of those around him in the direction of the competitor speaker.

But that's nothing. Here is the problem: when I try to express my thought, I have difficulties because of the inability to pause, because the comrade described above always strives to insert his penny into it. I don’t know how anyone, but I vote “no” with both hands regarding the presence of such individuals in my company.

I have a neighbor who firmly believes that every second I am interested in whose car was scratched last night or what Victor is thinking from the next entrance. Well, yes, I generally have a hobby - to think about what the Victors think about. I'm just starting to avoid this comrade and I don't understand how it can not be noticeable? Maybe this is one of the signs of stupidity? Then some things fall into place.

Or, you know, there is one rotten little man in the company who, behind his back, discusses with someone a common acquaintance, with whom he will then discuss this “someone”. For this, it is necessary to exclude from the social circle. For this, it’s more correct to beat the face.

I get pleasure bordering on strong irritation (yes, it happens, listen to yourself) when I see how someone is trying hard to get into someone's tongue in his, sorry, ass. And this “someone” at that moment is tense and concentrated that I even feel embarrassed somehow for him, suddenly now, if he doesn’t hit - and he’s stratified, as it were. Here, too, a stupid feeling was invented by nature, what does it mean at all - embarrassing for someone? That is, he is smart, but I'm not? Especially in the context of the buttocks and tongue, it sounds depressing.

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In the social age, a person who does not communicate with his own kind also causes unconscious anxiety. Sometimes the person himself understands: “I don’t want to communicate with people” and the next question in his head is: “What is wrong with me?”. Calmly. The action plan is:

Do not panic.
Wait a couple of days or a week, maybe it will go away on its own.

Dislike for others does not arise from scratch. Every person has bouts of misanthropy when he realizes: “I don’t want to communicate with people.” In the conditions of the information age, this is a normal state. Nowadays, there is too much of everything: data, people, conversations, events. , exhales.

Misanthrope and introvert

Misanthropy is a mindset that has at its core a dislike of man as a species. She happens:

Natural. When others talk about a person: "He prefers solitude (loneliness) to noisy companies since as long as we remember him." In this case, we are talking about "innate" misanthropy. Here it is difficult to establish the environment or internal qualities influenced the character, but a person already at an early age was disappointed in people, perhaps knowing what a secret.
Situational. Misanthropy was discussed above.
Acquired. Human activity does not affect him in the most favorable way, and he turns into a recluse (actors, writers, psychologists).

Misanthropes and introverts are confused. An introvert, unlike a misanthrope, does not feel any negative feelings towards a person as a species, on the contrary: an introvert can bow before an abstract person, a person as an idea, but people of flesh and blood oppress and tire him.

A misanthrope is a person who does not accept his own kind, and his hatred is rooted in ideological soil. And not necessarily hostility to people is a manifestation of mental illness.

Introvert and extrovert

There are 3 misconceptions about introversion and extroversion:

An introvert is a misanthrope who does not like people and will prefer loneliness to any society.
An extrovert is a shirt-guy whom you don’t feed with bread, just let him talk to people. He prefers any company to loneliness.
These characteristics are innate, and nothing can be done with them during life.

The author of the concept of extraversion and introversion, Carl Jung, understands an introvert as a person whose mental energy is directed inward. Such a subject reflects and contemplates, and in this he finds the meaning of life. An introvert does not spray and does not waste his strength in vain. He is focused and self-sufficient.

An extrovert is a person who prefers to direct forces towards the world. He enjoys external activities, he energetically feeds on the response and reaction of other people and cannot endure loneliness for a long time, but:

When an introvert gets into the right company of like-minded people, he turns into a sociable extrovert.
An extrovert is harmed by the constant inclusion in the flow of events. He, too, gets tired of the carnival and moves away to lie low for a day or two, a week, a month and not rise up.

- these are, rather, different directions of mental energy, which depend on the tone of the human nervous system and his needs at a particular moment in life.

"I don't want to talk!" What to do?

First of all, a person asks himself three questions:

When did it start?
Is it associated with a specific event or person?
Is it a lot of trouble not wanting to communicate?

If misanthropy (or a period of introversion) began after a certain event or, then it is worth waiting and analyzing why the break happened.

Situation one. Conflict with a person. If a person is valuable enough, then silence is a normal reaction. Time will pass, and everything will be fine, but the contradiction that has arisen between people needs to be resolved. Without it, sociability will not be restored.
Situation two. Events forced to lay low. forces a person to rethink his life, and think better in silence. If serious ones arise, then it is better to discuss them with relatives and friends (even the most uncommunicative subjects have those whom they trust).
Silence is a reaction to "information overdose". Disconnecting from social networks and other channels will help relieve the accumulated tension. The body must recover. In this case, the silence is temporary and serves as a cure for overwork. If a person had a breakdown for the first time, the ideal way out is to relax in nature for a couple of weeks, fatigue and unwillingness to communicate as if by hand will take off.

Aristotle and other sages teach: "Man is a social animal." And Napoleon, in a different, true, context, said: "A person cannot eat one chicken all the time." The same is true with communication. The society aggressively imposes the ideal of a “sociable person”. And when someone thinks: “I don’t want to communicate, what should I do?”. No need to be nervous. Sometimes being silent isn't so bad.

February 16, 2014

Helped us:

Marina Vershkova
Psychologist

Marianna Volkova
Practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology

Elena Kuzeeva
Psychologist

Marina Travkova
Family psychotherapist

Are you afraid of judgment

You are not 15 for a long time, but the feeling that a loved one (parents, grandmother, older brother) makes your life unbearable does not let go. All your attempts to communicate have come to nothing. It doesn’t matter why: maybe this same relative is just an emotional rapist and doesn’t want to negotiate, but wants to ruin your life. Or just a bad character and a hard fate for a person, and you sob into the pillow at night, trying to understand what is to blame. The important thing is that you would be much happier if you interrupted or reduced communication to a minimum.

However, the fear of condemnation crosses out all the arguments of reason. After all we hear from childhood that swearing with relatives is bad. Because there is nothing more important than family and friends and others like them come and go. In the end, what will people think?

What to do: “In such cases, it’s about respecting personal boundaries,” Marina Travkova, a family therapist, is sure. - You can run away from your relatives far away, but the tension will still remain. Therefore, first you need to hear yourself, without closing your eyes to your own discomfort, and finally choose who is dearer to you: you or all those people who “say something”.

It is impossible to please everyone, so a person who sets himself such a task is in a trap. Such a lifestyle deprives one of joy, strength and health. It originates, as a rule, where a person from childhood was taught to be “the way it should be” and inspired that “it’s not like that, it’s wrong, no one needs it.”

Remind yourself that you are no longer a helpless baby. It is mortally scary for a child to be rejected by those he loves and depends on. But you've grown up. AND if someone is upset by your behavior, then most likely neither you nor the upset person will die from this. Gently but confidently explain that you are, of course, relatives, but this situation no longer suits you. Get ready to resist - usually the behavior of "bear me anyway" is very pleasant to the one who practices it, and your loved one will not simply refuse it. You still can’t be good for everyone, and in this situation, someone should show indifference to you, and this someone, most likely, is you yourself.

Need to communicate

This is generally the most popular excuse for those who tolerate both a despot husband and a boorish neighbor. There is a sea of ​​various “musts” that are performed without thinking about who needs it and, in fact, why. It is necessary to get married, build a dizzying career, travel around the world. One of these “needs” is the indispensable friendship with newly-made relatives and “friends of friends”, as well as with their other halves. The usual neutral-respectful attitude and polite conversations in rare meetings are not suitable. It's friendship.

And it does not matter that we choose husbands and friends according to common interests, mutual sympathy and other compatibility, and all the rest are included, as they are. And mutual love may not work out. Or there will be mutual dislike. Simply put, you are not ready and do not want to be related to them, but you continue to put on a good face in a bad game, supporting yourself with arguments: “we are one family”, “I was raised this way” and “everyone does it”.

What to do: “If you dig deep,” says psychologist Marina Vershkova, “then the “it’s necessary” program has been pre-installed for us since childhood. This behavior was typical of the generation of our grandmothers and mothers, and we inherited. And if you look at the surface, then this is the most common attempt to take control of the opinions of others about you. You selflessly make friends with the inner circle of your dear person, in this way trying to say: "I'm good, I'm doing everything right."

But try to listen to your desires and determine which way of communicating with these people suits you the most. Do not be afraid to dream up, play this way to yourself and see what emotions and feelings it will evoke in you.

However, do not deceive yourself: if a certain “I don’t want to” is found, it will have to be legalized, that is, admit it at least to yourself. Thus, it will be easier to understand that you do not need such communication.

your rights

For all those who love to be tormented by guilt, it is good to have The Rights of the Self-Confident Person (from the Bill of Psychological Rights of the Person, an unofficial document developed by the American Psychological Association) handy.

1. Each person has the right to evaluate his own behavior, thoughts, feelings and be responsible for them.
2. Everyone has the right not to make excuses and not to explain their actions to others.
3. Everyone has the right to refuse a request without feeling guilty, and decide for himself whether he wants to take responsibility for solving other people's problems.
4. Everyone has the right to change their decisions.
5. Every person has the right to ignorance, to make illogical decisions, not to be perfect.

Are you afraid to offend

Perhaps you yourself do not want to tenderly be friends with distant relatives and husbands of friends, but others expect this from you. Those whom you love very much and do not want to offend. For example, your man. You make a lot of efforts, trying to be good for everyone, but in the end you are constantly nervous and you yourself are offended by him - because a loved one does not understand you, does not see how bad you feel in the presence of his mother. Such a situation may well end in a spoiled relationship, for the benefit of which you tried so hard.. Some call it female wisdom, which, however, is customary to cover up anything, from the fear of changing one's life for the better to outright stupidity.

What to do: Marianna Volkova, a practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology, advises: “Understand that all your “sacrifices” in the name of general peace are absolutely in vain. While you are suffering in silence, others are sure that everything is in order, and if one day you try to present your suffering as a kind of feat for the sake of your loved one, most likely they will simply not understand you. Agree, it is strange to do what you do not want, and at the same time remain silent.

Sooner or later, you will simply explode and throw out everything that has accumulated over a long time, without controlling your emotions. At the same time, the truth will not be on your side: after all, if you have not shown discontent before, it means that everything suited you. And suddenly - an unexpected scene. As a result, you run the risk of being branded as an unbalanced hysteric.

The best way out is a direct conversation, but based not on the personality of an unpleasant person, but on your own feelings and emotions. Compromise can always be found, but any compromise starts with a frank conversation.". It is possible that the one you are so afraid of offending will really try to be offended. If a loved one stubbornly refuses to listen to you and your desires, it remains just to put him before the fact and remind you that you are also a living person and have the right to psychological comfort.

Dangerous for health

The ability to think about the feelings of loved ones and the desire to see them happy and contented are worthy of respect. But if at the same time you forget about your emotions and comfort, such psychological “forbearance” threatens with nervous breakdowns and, as a result, various diseases.

Psychologist Elena Kuzeeva has no doubts: “If you have noticed the peculiarity of “endure and forgive everything” and at the same time you are characterized by psychosomatic illnesses, the best solution would be to go for a consultation with an experienced specialist. You need emotional support and help in developing the ability to build boundaries in communication, plus you need to deal with defense mechanisms that have grown stronger over the years. And it's not always easy to do it alone."

Used to communicate

You communicate with a colleague from times that no one else in the team remembers. But some years have passed - and you have no common interests left. Or, moreover, you become uncomfortable - instead of the usual joy, you experience only irritation. It would seem that everything is obvious: communication should be curtailed or reduced to infrequent meetings with conversations about the weather and nature. But in reality, everything is not so cloudless.

What to do: “If you don’t just disagree, but you actually experience negative emotions when communicating with a person, it’s better to gradually reduce contact to nothing,” says Marianna Volkova. - Over time, people change, and perhaps you really are no longer on the road. Of course, it's a shame to refuse a friend with whom he spent so much time. But often we are afraid of losing not the person himself, but communication as a ritual that accompanied every stage of our life.

Such relationships can often be compared to many years of marriage, in which feelings have become a habit. You will most likely be sorry and insulting to interrupt them. In this case, it helps to think about the feelings of the opponent. After all, a person sincerely believes that everything is as before, and strives for communication. So even out of respect for your many years of friendship - stop pretending that everything is okay. You have 2 options: either honestly admit your feelings, or carefully reduce communication to the level at which you feel comfortable. The main thing is not to try to turn a blind eye to the situation.

If they don't want to talk to you

But what if you find yourself in any of the situations listed above, but on the other side of the barricade? “When you are suddenly denied communication, you, most often, begin to delve into yourself and look for reasons,” Marianna Volkova reflects. “Because you can’t understand how you – so good and who didn’t do anything bad to a person – are ignored.

You can, of course, torment yourself and loved ones with endless “why?”. You can even arrange a confrontation and try to call a person who does not accept you for a frank conversation. But in this case, you risk at least putting yourself and your opponent in an uncomfortable position. As a maximum, provoke a conflict that both of you could do without. It is best, of course, to leave the right for a person to choose with whom and how to communicate.

How to fit in

In fairness, it should be said that simply cutting off all contacts with an unpleasant person is not always realistic. It is unlikely that you will be able to openly tell the boss that you no longer want to see him and that all work questions are now by corporate mail. We'll have to find a way to adjust. Let's say a citizen doesn't do anything bad to you personally, but at the same time he's terribly annoying. You are looking for a clue, but you do not see it - it just infuriates, that's all.

“If you feel irritation in the society of a certain person for no apparent reason, you should first understand yourself,” hints Elena Kuzeeva. “Perhaps the unfortunate has nothing to do with it. You may find that he resembles another person from the past with whom unpleasant emotions are associated. Or you feel next to him your inferiority in any area. Perhaps you had some expectations about him, and they were not met. After identifying and understanding the causes of irritation, unpleasant emotions can completely disappear.

If you understand perfectly well what exactly pisses you off, it remains to try to minimize the damage. Marianna Volkova advises treat every meeting with an unpleasant person, as, for example, going to the dentist- so-so joy, but necessary. “It helps a lot to realize that of the two of you, only you spend nerve cells. He doesn't care if he annoys you."

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! In my life there is only work and parents with whom I live. And also a dog. Everything is fine at work, I enjoy building a career, I easily communicate with people, solve problems, show emotions ... That is, I have no problems with communication, no fears or insecurities .. I have always had friends, and still have them. .. But I don’t want to communicate with anyone anymore .. Although I really like to communicate .. And I always have something to say, tell, discuss, and so on .. However, I’m tired of adapting to people or something .. Or maybe arguing about that "what I need and what not", "that it's time for me to get married" or something else .. Any personal conversation ends with negative emotions for me. Either people do not want to understand me, or I have ceased to strive to understand them ... Sometimes I want to go to live in some wilderness with my dog ​​and spend the rest of my days alone in search of harmony. It's the same with men. Before, I really needed a relationship .. Now I’m even too lazy to start communication - I know how it will end (misunderstanding, incompatibility, tears and parting, well, not now, in a year, 10 years, 20 years .. it doesn’t matter). On the one hand, I want to have a socially adequate status, give birth to children and "be like everyone else", on the other hand - do not marry the first person you meet! I don't need compromises. If a person does not understand me, then this is not my person, and there is nothing to break myself and him, to adapt .. I want to communicate, but with a "native soul", whether it be a girlfriend or a man .. But, alas, I have been like that for many years I have not met ... And I think there is every chance that I will spend my whole life alone, I am even mentally ready for this, since I have already decided - I will either be happy or alone. But it's a little scary.. Will I turn into an old maid with mental disabilities? Is it normal at all? What is the reason for what is happening? Is it worth it to go against your condition and try to continue to communicate with friends, go out somewhere, get to know each other and try to build relationships? Or is there nothing wrong with what is happening?

The psychologist Evgenia Vasilievna Varaksina answers the question.

Hello Irina!

Thanks for your letter. Let's try to answer your questions together.

The first thing I would like to draw attention to is the contradictions in your letter (why is this important? - because they reflect the contradictions in your life). You write: "I have always had friends, and even now I have ..." and at the same time "I want to communicate, but with a" kindred soul ", whether it be a girlfriend or a man .. But, alas, I have not had such friends for many years met..." and "Any personal conversation ends with negative emotions for me." Another point: you ask a lot of questions in your letter aimed at understanding yourself, your condition, and at the same time write "I don't need compromises. If a person does not understand me, then this is not my person, and there is nothing to break yourself and him, adjust .. " .

Can you say that you understand yourself 100%? Most likely no. The process of self-knowledge is endless. But if this is so, is it possible to demand a complete understanding of oneself from another person. You are not ready to compromise. Are you ready to take full responsibility for uncompromisingness? Imagine, please, your life in a year: you narrow the circle of personal communication more and more, close yourself and find mutual understanding less and less. Imagine your whole life in detail: work, parents, dog. Now imagine your life in five years, now in 30-40 years, when your parents will no longer be with you. If everything suits you, why not: every person has the right to choose his own destiny. If something in this view seemed uncomfortable to you, there is time to change the model of the future before it becomes the present.

Communication with people is a very delicate thing, in it we learn the art of balance: to open up exactly as much as the other is able to appreciate it and carefully preserve it; say - without saying too much; to understand oneself through another, to see one's qualities in the other as in a mirror. By refusing to communicate, we lose many opportunities for development.

If others annoy you with the fact that they know "what you need and what not" and "that it's time for you to get married" - perhaps you should see this as a reflection of your uncompromising attitude. These people are also uncompromising in their understanding of a correct and happy life, but do you like it? You are right that often people think traditionally and try to impose their life experience and path on others and often even unconsciously want to make them repeat their mistakes and be just as unhappy. But why does it bother you so much? You can understand what is happening, why people say this, and not let it into you - "like water off a duck's back" - why do you get upset with such conversations? and "any personal conversation ends with negative emotions"? You are not obliged to repeat other people's scenarios and someone else's life (especially often not very happy).

Now you have a vision of life as black and white, or-or. Or stay alone for life, or "marry the first person you meet." Both options are extreme, and extremes are dangerous (like temperature drops from -40 to +40 - no asphalt can withstand without damage, let alone a person). Arguing in this logic, it is necessary either not to work at all, or to get an ideal job: with a wise boss, friendly team, high salary, big vacation; or wear nothing at all, or wear the best dress in the world ... Then another question: do you yourself correspond to an ideal job? For example, you do not understand and do not strive to understand people, but in an ideal job there is a friendly team. Do you understand what I mean?

In principle, everything you write about is true: a kindred spirit, complete mutual understanding. lack of disappointment. Are you the only one who fits this? What kind of complete understanding can we talk about if you no longer want to understand other people? The more we want, the more we must work. Are you ready for this kind of work? After all, in order for a partner not to disappoint, you yourself must be able not to disappoint another even once. First we must demand from ourselves, only then we have the right to want this from another. Are you able to understand another person completely? Then you can safely want it from another. Rating 4.99 (46 votes)