The main causes of depression in men - we are looking for the root of the husband’s bad mood. The best ways to get your husband out of depression

It is always difficult for men to share their experiences with other people; they keep their fears to themselves, do not admit their true feelings and try to be strong. Male depression does not mean a weak character. Sometimes this is a consequence of hypertrophied responsibility and impaired self-esteem. In this case, psychotherapy sessions can help you rethink your actions and significantly improve your quality of life.

Often a man is provoked by nervousness and aggressive behavior, abuse of alcoholic beverages, extreme sports or narcotic substances. These are unique defense mechanisms that distract from pressing problems, drown out fear and mental discomfort, but do not help cope with the disorder.

Any psychological discomfort, like a depressive state itself, is a sign of an acute lack of something. A person feels pain because he lacks something. The situation is similar with physical deficiencies, for example, hunger. In this case, there is not enough food and to fill the need, you just need to eat.

When a man feels depressed, in order to help him get out of this state, we must first understand what is missing. Offering a variety of entertainment (to chat with friends, go to the cinema, take up a hobby) is as stupid as serving food to a person dying of thirst. Naturally, even if the partner agrees to these activities, they will not satisfy his immediate need.

To help your man get out of a state of depression, you need to fill the gap, that is, understand what he needs and give the man exactly that.

Emotional contact with a partner who looks at things sensibly, without lamentations and unnecessary questions, is pleasant even for a person who is depressed. Why? Because he is understood, approved and cared for without causing pain.

Causes of depression

Under the same circumstances, people show different signs of emotional distress. What leads to a severe depressive reaction in one person may not have any effect on another. Symptoms of emotional distress in men arise as a result of severe stressful situations:

Dismissal from work;
Delayed depression in a man after a breakup;
Relationship problems;
Difficulties at work;
Heavy ;
Loss of a loved one;
Unfulfilled dreams and goals;
Failures in sex and low self-esteem because of this;
Financial difficulties;
Retirement.

There are also many cases when men experience seasonal (autumn, spring, winter) depression, which in itself is not a serious reason for worry. Emotional balance before a stressful event is of great importance, which sometimes is the last straw of patience.

How long can depression last? Sometimes it can be difficult to track the appearance of this condition; it develops gradually, and initially manifests itself in a persistent decrease in mood and loss of interest in favorite activities. Without treatment, the syndrome can progress if the person is unable to overcome depression on their own.

7 tips to help a man overcome difficult stages of life

How to help a man with depression:

Providing support to a person who is in a severe depressive state is not easy, and even being close to you requires you to endure constant mood swings and tension in relationships. Men often experience aggression caused by powerlessness in the face of insoluble problems.

Setting boundaries

Sometimes the stress is so great that it can affect a woman's mental health. There is no need to put yourself on the altar of relationships, it will not lead to anything good. It is important to limit your presence without completely dissolving into his severe depressive state. We need to set aside time for meeting friends, favorite hobbies, and physical activity.

What should a woman do to support her husband? A wife cannot always act as a home doctor for her husband without compromising her moral state. If a woman feels that it is difficult for her to cope with this task, then other help can be provided: reminding him to take medications, keeping a notebook of observations, convincing him to sign up for a psychotherapy session. But you don’t have to shoulder everything; in the end, a man also has to do something on his own.

If a man does not want to do anything, this will cause grief and resentment, which will begin to destroy the relationship. When a woman is unhappy, she should not be afraid to tell her loved one about it and call him. Of course, it’s better to keep little things to yourself, but serious situations require discussion. In severe cases, when this condition lasts for months, especially if the patient has suicidal thoughts or drinks alcohol immoderately, you should consult a doctor and begin treatment as early as possible.

Depressive disorders are most often attributed to female nature. However, recent research finds that depression in men is also quite common. It’s just that men are taught from an early age to hide feelings, keep emotions under control and not make a cult out of it.

Causes of male depression

It is quite difficult to identify specific causes of depression in men. Often, the occurrence of a depressive state is influenced by a number of circumstances, and their accumulation leads to mental disorder.

In some cases, depression in men is hereditary, but it is usually triggered by stressful situations. And the sooner you cope and get out of a stressful situation, the lower the risk of developing depression.

Depression can be triggered by:

stressful situation in the family, at work;
financial difficulties;
needing to be separated from family or friends;
difficult relationships with others;
military experience;
death of relatives;
men's health problems;
midlife crisis.

Symptoms of male depression

Depression in men manifests itself in a standard way: dejected state, sleep disturbance, despondency. Additional symptoms may include:

Some physiological symptoms, such as migraines, indigestion, and constant pain, can also be signs of depression.

Why can't depression be ignored?

Very often, men consider the treatment of this disease as something frivolous. They think that they can easily get out of depression. Representatives of the stronger sex can pretend that symptoms do not exist, neglect them, drown out problems with alcohol, or immerse themselves in work. But if depression is not treated, it will progress and make a person completely unhappy.

Without appropriate treatment, depression in men can lead to serious consequences.

Depression can have a negative impact on your health. Being in a state of prolonged stress greatly depletes a man’s body, internal organs, especially the heart.
Men with depression die from various diseases much more often.
Depression increases the divorce rate.
Depression in men reduces productivity, this can affect a man’s pay and lead to dismissal.

How can I help my husband?

Any woman is faced with the question: what to do if her husband is moping and does it need urgent treatment? First of all, it is important to realize that how quickly recovery will occur will depend only on the woman’s behavior. If you managed to persuade your husband to visit a doctor, then do it together, attend a session as a couple. The doctor will definitely give recommendations on what period and how to react.

Don’t try to overwhelm him with household chores now, so that there is no time for despondency. Because to a person in such a state, the most insignificant load can seem like a heavy burden. You should not make fun of his condition, but rather help him get out of it.
Encourage your husband in different ways, instill in him faith that everything will work out, problems will be resolved, bad luck will pass. Create a comfortable environment in your home. To help your husband get out of depression, try to do things that are pleasant for him. Give him some kind of gift. Indulge in various delicacies. Ventilate the room more often and don’t skimp on electricity, let there be plenty of light at home.
The best way to support a depressed husband is to give him the opportunity to speak out, cry, and pour out his own feelings. If he is outwardly calm on the outside, it means that he is experiencing everything hard inside himself. This internal mental aggression leads to severe physical illness. Listen patiently and sympathetically if he wishes to speak out. Please advise what you think needs to be done.

It is necessary for your husband to know that you are nearby and are constantly ready to listen and support him.

But there is no need to do everything as he said and create a pessimistic mood in the family. It is necessary not to be sad yourself and not to mope around him. Don't fall prey to his bad mood and self-pity. Because this will only aggravate the husband’s depressing condition. To get out of depression, your husband needs not your compassion, but love and help. And you will provide them only if you yourself are healthy.
It is now important for him to receive positive emotions. Praise your man, you can go for a walk or meet with friends. It is important that the husband does not withdraw into himself along with his depression.
Gently but firmly stop any statement with phrases of self-deprecation. Explain to your husband that the most famous people also had periods of failure and this is absolutely natural. The main thing is not to lower your head and believe in good things.
An orderly daily routine, treatment, adequate sleep, and a balanced diet are of great importance. Try to control this. Exercise in the gym, swimming pool, massages, going to the bathhouse, sex and getting enough sleep can help. They should have a good effect on his treatment.
If one of the reasons for this condition is overwork, it is advisable to rest and change the environment. Convince your spouse to take a vacation and travel. If you have financial restrictions, you can go to the country, have treatment in nature, or go out with friends for a picnic in the nearest forest.
If after all you do not see a positive result, and the disease has become severe and long-term, you need to seek the help of a professional psychologist. Find out which specialist is best to contact and persuade your husband to visit him. Be determined to do this persistently in advance. Especially if depression is endogenous, that is, there are no visible causes for its occurrence, psychotherapy sessions and treatment with antidepressants can help get out of this state.

Society has established such notions that men are not supposed to cry. Constant stress at work, quarrels with friends, disagreements in the family circle and other troubles can unsettle even the most persistent representative of the strong half of humanity.

Causes of depression in men

dismissal from service, demotion;
low earnings;
disagreements with colleagues, superiors;
work that does not bring pleasure;
difficulties with the opposite sex;
divorce;
pre-retirement age;
unstable psycho-emotional state;
unrealized potential;
change of permanent residence;
loss of a relative or loved one;
risky work activities;
work in the evening and at night;
constant business trips (including unplanned ones);
expecting a child;
military service.

We have given the most common reasons why males become depressed. If the psycho-emotional state is unstable, there may be no reason.

Important attention should be paid to genetics. There are people who are constantly depressed. At the slightest manifestation of joy, they become isolated and again stop enjoying life.

Constant tension leads to nervous breakdowns and mental disorders, which are quite difficult to return to a positive direction.

Symptoms of depression in men

It's no secret that men have more responsibility than women. There are problems in the family, age periods, and general social factors. To correctly assess the state of the faithful, you need to carefully monitor his behavior.

We list the most popular signs that characterize male depression:

unjustified aggression;
excessive irritability;
fits of rage for no reason;
low self-esteem;
uncertainty;
laziness, apathy;
unstable mood;
blood pressure surges;
insomnia;
loss of appetite;
low libido;
change in body weight;
increased anxiety;
slow reaction;
slurred speech;
constant apathy, fatigue;
craving for alcohol;
passion for gambling;
desire to do extreme sports;
chest pain;
headache, migraine.

There are often situations when a woman tries to support her life partner in all possible ways. At the same time, she clutches her head, not knowing what to do. We have put together an effective collection of the most effective “antidepressants”. So let's get started.

Method number 1. Stay Positive
Try to find the positives in the current situation. Was your spouse fired from your job? Convince him that there is career growth ahead in another company. Try to approach the situation with humor and overcome difficulties together.

Don’t try to accuse a man of all mortal sins, don’t call your partner a loser, a loser, or other offensive words. Don’t say phrases like “I told you so,” “you should have listened to me,” “I’m right, as always.” Instead, repeat “we will get through everything together,” “you can handle it,” “you are the best man in the world.”

Method number 2. Become your partner's muse
Help your partner gain strength to cope with all troubles. Become his support, muse, support. If a man has ideas that you think are absurd, support them. As a rule, the most ridiculous ideas become the beginning of something grandiose. Perhaps, having found his muse, the companion will perk up and look at the situation in a new way.

Don't let your partner pull away and withdraw into himself, otherwise you won't be able to do anything in the future. Prolonged depression will cover him completely, it will be more difficult for you to support a man. At this stage, create all the conditions to make your partner feel comfortable, allow him to open up, remain positive, even if he decides to snap or be rude.

Method No. 3. Change your scenery
The constant rhythm of life in the “work-home-work” style heats up the nerves, as a result of which even the strongest man cannot withstand such a load. For this purpose, it is recommended to change the situation. You can make it a habit to “walk” your spouse several times a week, or better yet, every day. It is not necessary to come up with something grandiose; a trip to the cinema or bowling alley, a walk in the park, or a visit to the sauna (bathhouse, swimming pool) is enough.

Invite your spouse to go on a picnic with the whole family, barbecue, swim in the lake/river. If you have a feeling that a man is tired of everyday life, send him fishing with friends. You can also gather friends at home, order pizza, buy beer and watch football. Start from those hobbies that are interesting to your loved one.

Method number 4. Watch your man's diet
Few people attach due importance to a proper diet, but in vain. Thanks to the optimal ratio of slow and fast carbohydrates, proteins and fats, the body works in full mode. This gives you more strength to make important decisions, as well as a fighting spirit to conquer heights.

Since the companion is depressed, it is very important that his food is sweet. It’s no secret that sugar is conventionally called the “hormone of happiness,” so take that as a starting point. Bring your partner breakfast in bed; along with coffee, be sure to serve pancakes with jam, delicious croissants or a slice of cake.

Men love meat, this fact has been proven many times. Cook chops, bake chicken in the oven, cook pork in French. At the same time, do not forget about fish of all types and varieties; seafood helps improve your mood. Make sure that the refrigerator is always full of delicious food.

Method No. 5. Do common things
Any psycho-emotional disorder manifests itself many times more strongly if you sit idle. Try to keep your man busy with things that do not require high physical and mental resources. This could be watching an interesting movie or walking under the night sky, in any case, the partner will be busy.

As for housework, it shouldn't be boring. Ask your betrothed to help you with cleaning or cooking, while turning on his favorite music to the fullest. Laugh, fry pancakes together or cook other interesting dishes.

Method number 6. Go on vacation together
A trip to the seaside or any pastime abroad will be an excellent antidepressant. Go on a joint vacation, ignore all the problems, buy a last-minute ticket and start packing your suitcase. Of course, not everyone has the opportunity to commit such an act. Nevertheless, it won’t hurt a man to unwind.

It is not necessary to buy a tour for 10-14 days; you can get by with a three-day vacation. Depart on Friday evening, arrive on Monday morning. As for budget destinations, these include Turkey, Egypt, Cyprus, and Greece. Higher pricing policy for tours to Europe and America.

If it is not possible to go abroad, go travel around your country. Visit relatives or friends living in big cities, study architecture, collect photographs, spend time away from everyday worries.

Method No. 7. Don't let a man become isolated
Many people believe that they can live without social communication, but this misconception is erroneous. A person visits a store, exchanging a few phrases with the saleswoman, and goes to work every day, communicating with colleagues. There are a lot of examples, but there is only one conclusion: society is the basis of everything.

Don't let your partner withdraw into himself, sitting all day in front of a game console or TV. Try to get him outside or to visit mutual friends. Go shopping together that will be of interest not only to you (electronics, fishing or camping equipment, a car dealership, etc.).

Do not allow a man to be alone with his own thoughts, otherwise he will get bogged down in them. Upon arrival home, the partner should be overwhelmed, and not think about “what” and “why”.

Method No. 8. Show affection and attention

Even the most brutal man needs female support, provide it to your partner. Be affectionate, patient, but not cloyingly sweet. Praise your partner more often, don’t do it in a fake way. Artificial praise is worse than open criticism, remember.

In cases where a man cannot contain his anger, aggression, malice, constantly lashing out at you, do not react. At the moment, he makes decisions in a fit of emotion; a little later the storm will subside. Calmly leave the room, catch your breath, then return and caress your partner.

Each girl decides for herself exactly how this should be done. Some seduce a companion and drown in passionate sex, others provide support, which consists of stroking, light kisses, and diminutive phrases.

Method number 9. Fight insomnia
As mentioned earlier, depression manifests itself in constant insomnia, apathy, and fatigue. It is easy to understand that in the modern world with such emotional components it is difficult to maintain a full rhythm of life. Surely, before going to bed, a man scrolls through the accumulated questions in his head, thinks through failed dialogues and is “loaded” with other similar problems.

For your part, you can help a man by monitoring his sleep. Make sure your companion goes to bed before midnight and don't disturb him before or after you go to bed. If possible, prepare a bath with aromatic oils and relax the man with a massage. Speak quietly, slowly and calmly, and avoid disagreements before going to bed.

Agree with the man to fall asleep at the same time, if desired, turn on light music. You can also watch a comedy to lighten things up a bit. Act according to the situation, the main thing is that the man should be completely relaxed before leaving bed.

It is difficult to bring a man out of depression if you do not have sufficient knowledge regarding human psychology. Don't let your partner withdraw into himself, go on a joint vacation, fight insomnia. Cook delicious food, pamper your partner with a massage, become his muse. Stay positive, be attentive and affectionate, and do things together.

Video: how to get rid of depression on your own

nullifies all undertakings and plans for the future. Even the most courageous and persistent men give up. Here it is important to lend a helping hand in time, or at least choose the right words, and let the man understand that not everything is as bad as he thinks.

1. You are not a “wimp”

"Men do not cry". This is how we are raised. If you shed a tear or give vent to your emotions, you are a weakling! In fact, this is not true. Men, like women, have problems, and sometimes they get out of control.

Reader Questions

18 October 2013, 17:25 Good day. I have the following question: since March, I have been undergoing psychoanalysis once a week due to depression. I took Cipralex 5 mg for 4 months and my condition improved. At the moment I only go to a psychologist and for the last 2 weeks I have been feeling the same as I was at the very beginning of treatment, please tell me is this normal or am I doing something wrong, what could be the reason?

Ask a Question

When a man is depressed, it is doubly difficult for him than for a woman, since he is also overcome by thoughts of his failure as a man. Therefore, never tell a man that he is weak if he is depressed.

2. You may not even realize you're depressed.

Yes, this, unfortunately, happens, especially among men. Understanding yourself and looking for reasons is not a “man’s business.” Often depression is “suppressed” by drinking alcohol. Men are three times more likely to suffer from alcohol dependence than women for this reason.

3. You are not lazy, you are debilitated by depression.

Depression greatly debilitates a person. In the morning, a man may feel tired and exhausted. The whole reason is not that the man is lazy, but simply that depression takes all his strength. Work, study and relationships fade into the background, and all thoughts are concentrated around that seeming hopelessness.

4. Depression makes you so gloomy.

Depression is an insidious disease that brings out all the worst traits, even if they have never been noticed in a person before. Irritability, aggression, indifference and sullenness. These are masks of depression that she puts on her victims. In such a situation, it is important for a man to be reminded that by nature he is not so gloomy, and depression makes him that way.

5. Depression is just messing with you!

During depression, a person may be overcome by thoughts such as: “I’m terrible. I'm useless. My life is going to hell. I look bad and I’m not worthy of love.” From the outside it may seem that this is simply absurd, but a person, as if driven into a corner, cannot get out of the abyss of such thoughts. In such cases, it is important for others to make it clear to the man that his thoughts are nothing more than a consequence of depression. Once you deal with it, everything will get better again.

6. It's okay if you cancel plans.

It is normal for a depressed person to cancel or postpone plans. Unfortunately, depression changes a person so much that it makes him feel fears, anxiety and many other disorders that prevent him from actively working. So that a man does not worry even more about postponing his affairs or unfinished work, it is important to reassure him and let him understand that in his condition this is a completely normal phenomenon.

7. Take a small step forward

The worst thing about depression is that it destroys your hope. You stop moving forward because you understand the futility of such actions. What if you don’t engage in far-reaching plans, but just take a small step. Yes, and it will be difficult for you, but it is definitely worth a try.

8. It's okay if you don't want to have sex.

Depression reduces libido and negatively affects the quality of erections. A man in a state of depression clearly has no time for sex. On the one hand, he has low self-esteem, and on the other, he lacks energy for sexual intercourse. The situation gets worse if a man is taking antidepressants, as they can lead to... During this period, it is important to support the man, letting him know that the lack of intimacy during depression is natural.

9. It's okay to be sad

Yes, it's normal to be sad. And it is completely abnormal when a person reacts positively to unpleasant things in his life. True, there is a line that should not be crossed. We all feel sad from time to time, but we don't have to do it all the time. If a state of sadness has completely taken over your life, then you need to talk about it with a specialist.

10. Don't hide from your problems.

Don't let depression become the hunter and yourself the prey. Don’t run away from your problems, because sooner or later they will catch up with you anyway. This does not mean that you should deny your illness. Here it is important to draw a clear line between your illness and your personality. Force yourself to see your friends, at least occasionally. Take this small step and you will see that with each step it gets easier.

Take care of yourself!

Arkady Galanin

Let me say right away that depression and depression are different. If a man sits in a locked room for weeks, eats practically nothing, doesn’t want to talk and doesn’t want anything at all, then your help is simply not enough. Here you almost definitely need a specialist and drug treatment.

We will still talk to you about relatively mild depression, when a man is able to perform routine actions, but completely loses the ability to purposefully achieve some major goals, think strategically, etc. (if such behavior existed)

So, what is the most common cause of depression in men?

If for women the cause may be misunderstanding, a person’s silence, overwork and lack of sleep, nervous work, etc., then for men there is usually one reason.

Depression in men is usually caused by a major failure.. (A series of average failures or chronic minor failure in everything, as an option) There may be other reasons, but still the most common is failure.

In what area of life the failure occurred is, in principle, not so important. Maybe failure in relationships with women (less often) or, more often, failure in money or career.

We will consider this type of failure in this article and, accordingly, how to help a man get out of depression associated with financial losses or career failure.

It is not necessarily “weak people” in the literal sense of the word who fall into such depression. Quite the contrary, quite successful and strong-willed men do not always cope with major failures, or at least it takes them a long time to get out. (Wimps in the truest sense of the word usually have a routine life, simple work, simple life and no major failures).

So, as an example, I’ll give you a letter that our admin gave me.

Depression in a man.

What to do with a depressed man who doesn't believe in himself? I don't know what to do anymore. He is 30 years old. Even before meeting me, his life changed a lot and he lost his business.

He knows that he wants a job or a business that will bring him money so that he can provide for us as he wants. But he doesn’t know what kind of job he wants. We have been together for two years, I do what I can - I praise his qualities, I say how well he would do in this or that position.

I thank him for trying so hard for us. Some things, I see, flatter him, some things he doesn’t agree with and thinks I’m exaggerating. I let him make decisions and take responsibility. He earns more than me and provides for us in many ways, but he believes that this is not enough and more is needed, which I agree with, since we live from paycheck to paycheck, but still I have never reproached him for this.

I really believe in him and think he can achieve a lot. But the only thing this leads to is ideas. I support these ideas, we constantly discuss them, I’m interested in how things are going and what he plans to do next and how to achieve what he wants. And then the same thing happens as always, it doesn’t go beyond talking, even if he enthusiastically and vigorously discussed and planned what to do. He simply becomes depressed and begins to say that nothing will be good and that everything is pointless, blaming himself and the circumstances. He says that he is no longer capable of anything. And so on until the next idea. How can I help him move from ideas to action? How to behave when he is depressed? What should I say? How to support? Maybe I'm doing something wrong or not doing something?

Thank you

What do we see from this letter? In principle, a successful man received his first, very large failure for him, and after that he cannot exist normally. He is doing something (working for hire), living with a girl, that is, the depression is moderately strong. On the other hand he:

- cannot accept failure and begin to live the way he lives. That is, without business, without any huge plans, but just for a salary and with this girl.

- and cannot do anything, since the plans turn out to be empty and do not entail any action.

Such situations are actually quite common. Any dismissal from a well-paid job (of course, without the opportunity to move to a similar organization in another) or simply the inability to do it for health reasons (of course, it’s not just about money), the collapse of a business that took years or even decades of life to create, or another major failure often leads to similar phenomena.

What should a woman do to speed up the passage of depression in a man??

Firstly, there is no need for optimism at the first stage of the crisis.

The first stage of a crisis is when everything falls apart and gets worse and worse.

A woman’s phrases that “everything will be fine” without specifics about why it will be good and when, do not work well in principle, and during a crisis they do not work at all.

What good is it if the business goes bankrupt (taken away, etc.), if you are kicked out of your job and your income drops by 5 times? What good is it if one failure follows another? That “it will be good” if every day it gets worse and it is clear that tomorrow it will be even worse.

Such phrases are not perceived as support at all. And even on the contrary, they make it worse, because the man thinks that you cannot adequately perceive the situation at all.

In the letter given above, the man has already gone through this stage on his own, but this does not always happen in reality. And if everything falls apart, then the last thing you need to do is constantly say that "Everything will be fine" or whatever is fashionable now "We're okay".

During the crisis phase, possible assistance may include:

— if your income has dropped significantly, then learn to live much more modestly. As I wrote in my book, “men really value women who know how to behave appropriately during a crisis.

- don’t panic and don’t complain again, because a man is busy saving what he has, or at least minimizing the damage,

— talk about the crisis and possible measures being taken, there is no need for praise or American positivity now.

- if you have some resources to turn the situation around, then attract them. I don’t know what the man’s situation is and what is needed to solve it. It is possible that this is advice, something from the list above, help in reaching out to some person or specialist (if you can, of course). If you don't have the skills or resources to solve the problem, then don't do anything.

- it is possible that the man will ask you to do something else. If you can, then do it.

At this stage of the crisis, the maximum words of support can be that: “And we will survive this.”

Secondly, help the man come to terms with the new reality.

After some time, the second stage of the crisis begins, when everything has already collapsed, failure is a fait accompli and the time comes to come to terms with what is.

It would seem that everything is simple. If there was a business and it no longer exists (the reasons are not important), then you need to find a job and forget about the business, about the freedom that you had, about that material security, etc., and start a new life.

What will happen in the new life? I don't know. Maybe after some time it will be possible to start a new business again. But a new business is a thankless thing, requiring 1-3 years of hard work for it to start generating income and, besides, it’s not a fact that it will work out at all. Often this is completely impossible, since family, age, health, etc., do not allow you to concentrate all your energy, time, money, etc. on a new project, which is not guaranteed to burn out.

Why am I saying all this?

Something has already happened and it cannot be returned. However, the man is trying in his thoughts to go back and replay something in the past. He pumps his fists after a fight. He is trying to find someone to blame for the failure. He is trying to dredge up the past. ( What if I did something like this or something like that?)

All this, as you understand, is absolutely meaningless and irrational. (If it makes sense, then of course you can do something)

The main thing at this stage is to accept the new reality. You need to understand that failure has occurred and nothing can be done. And most importantly, the man is in some new conditions and can start from them and live.

— If an athlete is seriously injured, he will no longer be able to win the Olympic Games. There's no point in dreaming about it. However, if you come to terms with it, you can begin to build a new life. Maybe become a good coach, maybe go into another field altogether.

“If a man’s business goes bankrupt, then it’s pointless to dream of restoring it in a short time.” Business is a combination of luck, concentration, hard work, connections, etc. In addition, it develops over the years from zero or negative profit to some tangible money and requires a certain market trend.

Therefore, the sooner a man admits his failure and new reality, the easier it will be for him. In the new reality, he can put up with hired work. He may eventually start a business, but a small one. Maybe it will be some combination of business and work. But expecting quick results is a road to nowhere.

Why am I writing this?

At this stage of the crisis, it is almost pointless to praise a man and his business qualities of character. By doing this you are only “inflating” his dreams and thoughts about a reality that no longer exists.

If we go to the example in the letter, then the man is stuck somewhere between this and the next stage of the crisis. (but more than this) That is, the first stage of the crisis has passed (everything collapsed) and the second stage of the crisis has begun, when you need to become adequate again. In other words, you need to understand that you are now not a super cool businessman, but just a person with some professional skills.

These skills allow you to find some kind of job for several times, or even an order of magnitude less, remuneration. These skills, perhaps, after some time will allow you to organize a small business (which may become successful and maybe one day grow into something decent).

And, accordingly, the most important thing at this stage is to stop hanging in the clouds, trying to return what is not there. You need to understand in your head that reality has changed and you need to act based on the new reality (the third stage of the crisis). This is not always easy to do. After all, the event has already happened, and the reality of a person in his brain has quite a lot of inertia and persistence.

I repeat once again that here a woman needs to help a man change his ideas about himself, his capabilities, needs, etc., to those that correspond to a different reality.
To take a closer example from the letter, then, as I wrote above, it makes no sense to praise his business qualities character (which may not even be useful in the new reality) and discuss huge plans for hours. After all, these plans are based on something that no longer exists. They are based on when the man had a lot of money. They are based on when a man had confidence. (If you have an insecure man, I recommend that he take a course in the book “How to become confident in three months”). They are based on when a man had complete control over his time (and not like now when he needs to work for hire and has a woman).

In other words, these plans are impracticable by definition, since they are adapted to another person, other man’s resources (connections, money), another market situation, often other skills that are no longer of particular value in a given situation.

Supporting, in fact, the inadequacy of a man in this situation leads to the fact that this inadequacy does not go away in principle and, accordingly, causes further failures.

Third, help the man act in the new reality.

Finally, the man passed the first two stages of the crisis. That is, he is at the first stage of minimisi faced the consequences of the crisis, at the second stage came to terms with the new reality, and the time had come to act.

I repeat for the tenth time that you don’t just need to act. This is usually useless. We need to act in a new reality with new strategies and opportunities available in it. (Who knows, maybe even more than before the crisis)

Maybe you need to learn a new profession. (adjacent or other)

Maybe you need to start a new business, but little by little from the very minimum, and not try to jump straight into a medium-sized business.

Maybe you need...

Honestly, I don’t know what to do in the situation from the example in the letter. And a man will most likely quickly come up with specific strategies himself. This is usually moderately difficult. It is much more difficult to acquire adequate self-esteem.

And here a woman’s help can consist of analyzing plans, encouraging advancement and support when everything does not work out as quickly as expected. After all, the process of mastering a new profession, even in a related field, takes at least a year, if it is not something completely primitive. And it can be difficult to come to terms with the fact that quite recently a man was a professional in his field, but now he is just a bad student.

If you endure the first time, a year or two will quickly fly by and the first good results will appear.

Let's summarize. Depression in a man in the form that we are talking about in the article (that is, it is depression of minor severity and which does not need to be treated with medication) develops in several stages.

At the first stage, when a man tries to save something from a collapsing business, career, finance, etc. or minimize damage. Here, trying to say that everything is good is harmful and trying to praise, etc. is useless. The maximum that can be done is:

- not to escape (this is already a lot). Unfortunately, there are quite numerous examples when a man’s income sharply decreases and a woman leaves. Relationships are sometimes restored when income increases again (age, children, passing years still glue them together), but that trust and those relationships are no longer there.

- don’t whine about how hard it has become. It's clear that it's hard. It is clear that it is unrealistic not to complain at all. But try to do it less and less often. (Not whining at all is also bad, otherwise there is no incentive to move forward)

- Significantly reduce costs on your own initiative. (This is not easy. But as I wrote in my book “19 mistakes with men. How to make him respect and love you,” such women are very valued and respected)

- support with words, the meaning of which is that “we will definitely get out of these difficulties.”

Depending on the situation, this stage lasts from several days to a couple of years.

At the second stage the fall stopped. The business was sold, they were fired from their jobs, etc. At this stage, positivity and praise are also useless. The main thing is to say goodbye to the old reality as quickly as possible (but again without trying to force it excessively and uselessly). After all, nothing can be done there and you need to build a new life. (If this is true of course)

The approximate time for passing this stage is from several weeks to a year. (Basically ad infinitum. Some men get stuck at this stage for 10 years, which can be said infinity).

At the third stage, you need to do something based on the new situation.

As a rule, doing something similar to what was before the crisis is a road to nowhere. Such attempts are rather a sign that the man has not accepted the new reality. If a man is actively learning something new, moving in a new direction, then most likely the previous stage of the crisis has been completed correctly.

Here you can already encourage real, even small actions (and not plans, of course), support him during inevitable disappointments, talk about his positive character traits (more, of course, about those that are useful in the new reality).

Let's summarize. Major crises are an almost inevitable part of the life of any more or less successful man. They occur rarely, approximately once every 10-20 years. However, their influence on the life of a man and the woman living with him is very strong. These crises cause depression in most men, albeit to a degree that does not involve medicine.

A woman, through her actions and words, can significantly speed up (manifold) or slow down the passage of a crisis.

Best regards, Rashid Kirranov