Consequences of childhood trauma of rejection. Typology of characters (Alexander Lowen and Lise Burbo)
How does the Fugitive appear?The Rejected Trauma is formed in the first two years of life. In general, all five traumas are formed between the ages of two and five years, if we take the theory of reincarnation out of the equation and bring the processes described by Liz Burbo to a more realistic basis, which can be freely observed in the life situations of families with children of this age.
When we talk about the age of up to one year, we are talking about the age at which any situation is considered as a situation of sufficient or insufficient trust in the environment to live.
The Rejection problem that Liz Burbo talks about is that the child is unable to understand what is happening around him. The child only feels that the situation is not the same, it is uncomfortable and unpleasant to be in, and she lacks support from her parents.
What is the essence of the injury?
Fugitive Trauma is a situation in which a person does not have enough trust in the environment they are in to live comfortably. Moreover, he constantly experiences this mistrust. “I’m okay when I’m not there,” he thinks, trying to hide from the world.
“Normal” here means that the likelihood of an increase in the usual level of discomfort is minimized.
How does the Forsaken escape?
This will not necessarily be connected with the mask that Liz Burbo describes, so you should not rely literally on the external description. Trauma manifests itself in behavior and can be noticeable in everyday or social habits. It can be especially clearly visible in familiar speech forms. “Don’t pay attention to me,” “I’ve already left,” “I’m okay, I’m like that.”>
Try unexpectedly asking the Fugitive:
- How do you feel?
“No way,” he will most likely answer.
How is this “no way”? After all, we are not all incorporeal, and there are always some sensations in the body, ranging from comfort to pain. And an adult, if only he is alive (and if this is not the Fugitive) is able to understand how he feels and find words to describe. What about the Fugitive? But he really doesn’t feel himself at all, he calls his body on major holidays.
Another standard answer for the Fugitive to a simple everyday question:
- What do you want?
“Nothing,” he traditionally answers.
Damn it, if he wanted something, someone would teach him it. They are especially good at the moment of choosing something.
-What are you going to do?
- Nothing.
You can complicate the task:
“Do you want ice cream with jam or with nuts?”
– ...
In response to such a “super complex” question, the Fugitive may withdraw into himself and not return.
Why does trust play such a significant role before the age of one year?
Heavy text about the eight ages here.
“Remember, you came into this world having already realized
the need to fight with yourself - and only with yourself.
This means thank anyone who provides you with
this opportunity"
G.I. Gurdjieff
"Meeting wonderful people"
More recently, having the majority of male clients in my psychotherapeutic practice, I increasingly began to think about how difficult it is to be a modern man in our society. After all, a man from the cradle is presented with inhuman demands that he must be strong, must not cry, must take care of his family, providing material wealth.
At the same time, showing your emotions is considered an unforgivable weakness. A “real” man must meet certain expectations, compete with other men, and fulfill various social roles. It is not allowed that he has the right to engage in internal search and listen to the call of his own soul.
The lack of a worthy real example of masculinity, initiation rituals, as well as the impact of a negative maternal complex lead to the fact that it is almost impossible for a man to feel like a mature person, capable of trusting and loving himself, building and maintaining honest and trusting relationships with others.
The purpose of the article is to review the emotional male traumas common in the book, their origins and methods of healing within the framework of psychodynamic therapy.
“A man’s life, like a woman’s life, is largely determined by the limitations inherent in role expectations”
Society distributes social roles between men and women, without taking into account the true individual needs of each individual soul, depersonalizing and depriving each individual of the natural uniqueness.Whatever the client’s initial request in the psychotherapist’s office, the true hidden reason for turning to a psychologist is an unspoken protest against hackneyed attitudes for men “Don’t show emotions” “Die before women” “Don’t trust anyone”, “Be in the flow”, etc. .
The modern average man cannot even admit the thought of baring his soul, showing his vulnerability and fears in the presence of other men, at best, and this is already a big victory, he goes to a psychotherapist to understand his dissatisfaction with life.
“A man’s life is largely governed by fear.”
Since childhood, modern men have been “implanted with a chip” not recognizing the lack of awareness of fear, the attitude that men’s task is to subjugate nature and themselves. The unconscious feeling of fear is overcompensated in relationships.The fear of the maternal complex is compensated by either the desire to indulge in everything, to give pleasure to the woman, or to dominate her excessively. In relationships with other men you have to compete; the world is perceived as a dark, stormy ocean from which you don’t know what to expect.
With the implementation of such attitudes, a man never experiences satisfaction, because, while throwing dust in the eyes of those around him, he still feels inside the fear of a little boy who finds himself in an unreliable and hostile world, in which he needs to hide his true emotions and constantly play the role of an invincible, daring " macho".
This feeling of being a defenseless, frightened boy, carefully hidden from others and from oneself, the shadow side of the personality or “shadow” is projected onto others or acted out in socially unacceptable behavior. Projection manifests itself in the form of criticism of others, condemnation, ridicule.
Compensating for his fear, the man boasts of an expensive car, a high house, a high-status position, trying to hide his inner feeling of helplessness and inadequacy with an external disguise.
So to speak, “whistle in the dark” means to behave as if you do not feel fear. In psychotherapy, we name, acknowledge and integrate the Shadow, thereby strengthening the client's true Self.
The most difficult part of a psychotherapy program is the client's recognition of his fears and true problems. After all, for a man to admit his fears is to admit his masculine inadequacy, it means to admit his inconsistency with the image of a man, to become a loser, unable to protect his family. And this fear is worse than death.
“Femininity has enormous power in the male psyche.”
The very first and most powerful experiences for every person are those associated with the mother. Mom is the source from which we all originate. Just as during pregnancy, before birth, we are immersed in the mother’s body, we are also immersed in her unconscious and are part of it.When we are born, we separate for the first time, separate physically from it, but remain for some time (some longer, while others were never able to separate throughout their lives) mentally one with it. But even after separation, we unconsciously try to reunite with our mother through Others - spouses, friends, bosses, demanding from them unconditional maternal love, attention and care, through sublimation or projection of her traits onto others.
Mother is the first defense from the outside world, it is the center of our universe, from which, through our relationship with her, we receive information about our vitality, about our right to life, which is the foundation of our personality.
In the future, the role of mother is played by educators, teachers, doctors, teachers. Men receive most of the information about themselves from women. And that maternal complex, which was discussed earlier in this article, manifests itself in the need for warmth, comfort, care, attachment to one home, work.
The sense of the world develops from the primary sense of femininity, i.e. through our female part. If at the very beginning of life the child’s needs for food and emotional warmth are satisfied, he will continue to feel his place in life and his involvement in it. As S. Freud once noted, a child cared for by his mother will feel invincible.
If the mother “wasn’t enough,” then in the future she will feel isolated from life, her own uselessness, insatiability in satisfying the need for the joys of life, and unawareness of her true needs.
In psychotherapy using the symboldrama method, an important stage is the satisfaction of these archaic, oral needs. Along with verbal techniques, the psychotherapist uses certain images for visualization.
But excessive, personality-consuming maternal love can also cripple a child’s life. Many women try to realize their life potential through the lives of their sons. Of course, the efforts of such mothers can raise a man to such heights of success that he himself could hardly reach.
Many personal stories of famous men confirm this. But we are talking here about the inner mental state of men, spiritual harmony and a sense of fullness of life. And this spiritual harmony is rarely associated only with social success.
In my psychological practice, there are many stories of fairly wealthy and socially successful men who, despite their outward success, experience unbearable boredom and apathy towards life.
In order to free yourself from the maternal complex, a man needs to leave his comfort zone, realize his dependence, or rather the dependence of his inner child, on the maternal surrogate (the object onto which he projects the image of the mother).
Find your values, determine your path in life, realize your childhood anger towards your wife, friend, who will never be able to meet his infantile demands.
As embarrassing as it may be, most men need to acknowledge and separate their relationship with their mother from their actual relationship with the woman. If this does not happen, then they will continue to act out their old, regressive scenarios in the relationship.
Progress, growing up, requires that a young man sacrifice his comfort, his childhood. Otherwise, regression to childhood will be akin to the desire for self-destruction and unconscious incest. But it is the fear of the pain that life causes that determines the unconscious choice of regression or psychological death.
“No man can become himself until he goes through a confrontation with his mother complex and brings this experience into all subsequent relationships. Only by looking into the abyss that opens up under his feet can he become independent and free from anger.”- writes James Hollis in his book “Under the Shadow of Saturn”
In the psychotherapeutic process, for me it is a clear marker when a man still hates his mother or women. I understand that he is still seeking protection or trying to escape pressure from his mother. Of course, the separation process largely depends on the level of awareness, the nature of the mother’s own psychological traumas, which determine the child’s behavioral strategies and mental heritage.
“Men remain silent in order to suppress their true emotions.”
Every man has a story in his life when, as a boy or teenager, he shared his experiences with his peers and later really regretted it. Most likely, he was ridiculed and teased, after which he felt shame and loneliness.“Mama's boy”, “sucker”, and a lot of other offensive words for a boy... These traumas do not go away and remain in adulthood, regardless of existing achievements. Then, as a child, he accepted one of the basic “male” rules - hide your experiences and failures, remain silent about them, do not admit them, show off, no matter how bad you feel. No one should know about this, otherwise you are not a man, otherwise you are a rag.
And a huge part of his life, and perhaps all of it, will be spent in valiant battles against past childhood humiliations in a distorted subjective reality. Like a knight clad in armor with his visor down. Sad.
A man tries to suppress his inner femininity by playing the role of a macho, demanding that his wife satisfy his infantile needs for maternal care and attention, while simultaneously suppressing the woman, establishing control over her.
A person suppresses what he fears. Without accepting his feminine part within himself, a man tries to ignore his emotions within himself and suppress, humiliate the real woman who is next to him.
This “pathology” makes it impossible to establish close relationships in the family. In any relationship, a man becomes dependent, where he knows little about himself. He projects his unknown part of the psyche onto another person. Often a man experiences bouts of rage towards a woman.
The manifestation of rage is associated with excessive influence of the mother, with a “lack” of the father. Anger accumulates when a child’s personal space is violated, its boundaries are violated in the form of direct physical violence, or an adult’s excessive influence on the child’s life.
The resulting psychological trauma can lead to sociopathy. Such a boy, as an adult, will not be able to take care of his loved ones. His life is full of fear, will make anyone who is nearby and wants to build a family or a trusting relationship with him suffer. He cannot suffer his pain himself and makes the Other suffer.
This will happen until the man accepts his emotional, feminine part and gets rid of the maternal complex.
“Trauma is necessary because men must leave their mother and psychologically move beyond the maternal.”
The transition from maternal dependence to male involvement, paternal nature is accompanied not only by characteristic physiological changes in the boy’s body, but also by strong psychological shocks, experiences, and traumas. Psychological traumas contribute to the integration of the infantile unconscious material of the personality.We call the unconscious infantile material security and dependence - the sacrifice that is necessary for the boy's transition into the world of men. Different peoples had (some still have) their own rituals of self-mutilation - circumcision, ear piercing, knocking out teeth.
In any such rituals there is damage to the material (matter-mother). The elders of the tribe, thus, deprive the boy of support, protection, of what can protect him, i.e. aspects of the maternal world. And this was a manifestation of the greatest love for the young man.
How difficult it is for modern men to overcome this great transition without any help!
“The rituals have not been preserved, there are no wise elders left, there is no at least some model of a man’s transition to a state of maturity. Therefore, most men remain with their individual addictions, boastfully demonstrating their dubious macho compensation, and much more often suffering alone from shame and indecision.” D. Hollis “Under the Shadow of Saturn”
The first stage of overcoming the maternal complex is physical and later mental separation from parents. Previously, this separation was facilitated by the ritual of kidnapping a boy by masked elders unknown to him. By depriving him of the comfort and warmth of his parents' hearth, the ritual participants gave the boy a chance to become an adult.
A necessary element of the second stage of the transitional ritual was symbolic death. A burial or passage through a dark tunnel was staged. The boy overcame the fear of death, living the symbolic death of childhood addiction. But, despite the symbolic death, a new adult life was just beginning.
The third stage is the ritual of rebirth. This is Baptism, sometimes giving a new name, etc.
The fourth stage is the learning stage. Those. acquiring the knowledge that a young man needed so that he could behave like a mature man. In addition, he is informed of the rights and responsibilities of an adult male and a member of the community.
At the fifth stage there was a severe test - isolation, living for a certain time without getting off a horse, fighting with a strong opponent, etc.
Initiation ends with a return, during this period the boy feels existential changes, one essence dies in him and another, mature, strong one is born. If you ask a modern man whether he feels like a man, he is unlikely to be able to answer. He knows his social role, but at the same time, he often has no idea what it means to be a man.
“A man’s life is full of violence, because his soul is subjected to violence”
Unreacted anger in relationships with the mother in childhood manifests itself in a man’s adult life in the form of irritability. This phenomenon is called “displaced” anger, which is poured out at the slightest provocation, and is often more powerful and not adequate to the situation.A man can act out his anger by violating social norms and rules by committing sexual violence. Violence against women is a consequence of deep-seated male trauma associated with the maternal complex. Internal conflict in the form of fear of injury will be transferred to the external environment, and for the purpose of self-defense, he will try to hide his fear by dominating the Other. A man who strives for power is an immature boy overcome by inner fear.
Another behavioral strategy for a man overcome by fear is the desire for excessive self-sacrifice in order to please a woman.
Modern men rarely talk about their anger and rage without feeling shame. They often choose to remain silent about their feelings, remaining alone.
And this rage, not expressed or shown externally, is directed inward. This manifests itself in the form of self-destruction with drugs, alcohol, and workaholism. And also in the form of somatic diseases - hypertension, stomach ulcers, headaches, asthma, etc. It is necessary to break maternal ties, survive trauma, which will lead to further personal growth and a qualitative change in life.
“Every man yearns for his father and needs to communicate with the elders of his community.”
"Dear father,You recently asked me why I say that I am afraid of You. As usual, I could not answer You, partly out of fear of You, partly because explaining this fear requires too many details that would be difficult to bring up in conversation. And if I now try to answer You in writing, the answer will still be very incomplete, because even now, when I write, fear of You and its consequences hinder me, and because the amount of material far exceeds the capabilities of my memory and my reason.” Franz Kafka "Letter to Father"
This is how the famous work begins, and I know that this is exactly what most modern men would like to confess to their fathers.
Long gone are the days when business, craft, and professional secrets in a family were passed on from father to son. The connection between father and son is severed. Now the father leaves his home and goes to work, leaving his family behind. Tired, having come home from work, the father wants only one thing - to be left alone. He doesn't feel that he can be a worthy example for his son.
Conflict between father and son is common in the modern world. It is passed down from generation to generation. It is difficult today to find a role model either in the church or in the government, and there is nothing special to learn from the boss. Wise mentoring, so necessary for male maturation, is practically absent.
Therefore, most men long for their father and mourn his loss. A man needs not so much knowledge as a father’s inner strength, which manifests itself in the unconditional acceptance of his son as he is. Without your “hung” expectations, unsatisfied ambitions.
True male authority can manifest itself outwardly only from inner strength. Those who are not lucky enough to feel their inner authority are forced to give in to others throughout their lives, considering them more worthy or compensating for the feeling of inner weakness with social status.
Having not received enough attention from his father or his positive mentoring, the boy tries to earn this attention. Then he spends his whole life trying to earn the attention of any Other who is slightly higher in status or richer than him.
The boy regards the father's silence and inattention as proof of his inferiority (if I became a man, I would deserve his love). Since I didn’t deserve it, it means I never became a man.
“He needs a fatherly example to help him understand how to exist in this world, how to work, how to avoid trouble, how to build the right relationship with the inner and outer femininity.” D. Hollis “Under the Shadow of Saturn”
To activate his own masculinity, he needs an external mature paternal model. Every son should see the example of a father who does not hide his emotionality; he makes mistakes, falls, admits his mistakes, rises, corrects his mistakes and moves on.
He does not humiliate his son with words: “don’t cry, men don’t cry,” “don’t be a mama’s boy,” etc. He admits his fear, but teaches him to cope with it and overcome his weaknesses.
The father must teach his son how to live in the outside world while remaining at peace with himself.
If the father is absent spiritually or physically, a “distortion” occurs in the child-parent triangle and the son’s connection with his mother becomes especially strong.
No matter how good a mother is, it is absolutely impossible for her to initiate her son into something about which she has not the slightest idea.
Only a father, a wise mentor, can pull his son out of his maternal complex, otherwise psychologically, the son will remain a boy, or he will become dependent on compensation, becoming a “macho”, hiding the prevailing inner femininity.
In the process of psychotherapy, a person becomes aware of his fears, vulnerability, melancholy, aggression, thus going through trauma.
If this does not happen, the person continues to look for his “ideal” parent among pseudo-prophets, pop stars, etc. worshiping and imitating them.
“If men want to heal, they should mobilize all their internal resources, replenishing what they did not receive from the outside at one time”
A man's healing begins the day he becomes honest with himself, throwing away shame, he acknowledges his feelings. Then it becomes possible to restore the foundation of his personality, freeing himself from the sticky gray fear that haunts his soul.It is almost impossible to deal with this alone, it takes time to heal. In therapy, this may take six months, a year, or maybe more. But recovery is possible and quite real.
Trauma of the Rejected– regression of an adult into a child, with the experience of loneliness, uselessness and fear of death due to one’s own helplessness.
Causes and consequences.
One of the main reasons is the past experience of relationships with a mother figure, in which the mother could not satisfy the needs for security, affection and intimacy. As a rule, it is formed in early childhood up to 6 years, when the child needs close contact with his mother.
The child wants the mother’s presence nearby, her approval, warmth, interest, attention and acceptance. An accepting mother who is nearby is one of the conditions for growing up, gaining the right to express yourself, your emotions and feelings in adulthood.
In the future, “healthy” contact with the mother will become the foundation for harmonious relationships and social success of the individual. Therefore, if a person has neither the first nor the second in his life, it makes sense to work with the trauma of rejection through psychotherapy.
Why does a mother reject her child?
The reason for rejection is the lack of the mother’s internal resource (strength, mood, skill, self-love) and the presence of past experience that reinforces the pattern of rejection. Simply put, the mother is tired, but does not realize it, and acts with the child as her mother did with her.
If you dig deeper, you can see the mother’s inflated demands on herself, because of which she does not allow her to notice her limitations and stop in time to rest. As a result, completely exhausted from fulfilling maternal duties, there is nothing else left to do but simply break contact with the child in order to replenish at least a little strength.
Hence the conclusion: a mother with a desire to be ideal rejects her child more often than one who is aware of her limitations. It is important to understand that you do not need to be perfect, but you can simply be a “good enough mother”, one who accepts her limitations and accepts her needs. Only a mother who has learned to take care of herself will be able to do this adequately with her child. A mother with an “ideal” mentality will, as a rule, rush from one extreme to another, sometimes she will be overprotective, sometimes cold and rejecting.
The mechanism for triggering the trauma of rejection.
Rejection trauma is triggered by the repetition of a scenario in adulthood that resembles the mother’s rejection scenario from childhood.
For example: the child expresses aggression towards the mother, who violates his boundaries, she cannot stay in contact with him and rejects him with the words: “you are no longer my son/daughter” and goes to another room.
In adulthood, if such a person shows aggression and receives rejection from a partner that resembles a mother’s, he will psychologically regress into a child and experience the same feelings as in childhood. It seems to him that he is small and helpless, unnecessary to anyone, and his life no longer has meaning. As a rule, to all this is added a feeling of guilt and shame.
Or there is another option, when a person identifies himself with his mother and at first suffers unbearably, becomes exhausted from such a relationship, and then rejects the interlocutor and breaks off relations with him. As a rule, in different types of relationships, with the trauma of rejection, these scenarios alternate.
Feelings and thoughts during the experience of rejection.
Fear of death– the most powerful emotion in the trauma of rejection. It is experienced as loss of oneself and immersion in thoughts of helplessness and the inevitability of death. A person fantasizes a scenario in which his mother abandons him and he, as a child, cannot survive in this world. In fact, what scares us most is the unknown and uncertainty. If you live the scenario to its logical end, the unknown gives way to clarity and the fear goes away. We'll talk about how to do this below.
Aggression towards mother- This is a natural emotion that is caused due to dissatisfaction with the child’s current needs. It is important to accept your aggression and allow it to express itself. In therapy, this can be done through the “chair technique”: imagine your mother on it and react your feelings to her. This is very important point, since until the aggression is responded to, there is no way to understand and accept the mother’s behavior. Those people who forbid themselves to express aggression are actually the most “angry” and tense. A “kind” person reacted and forgot, and the one who suppresses his feelings, on the one hand, destroys himself, and on the other hand, at any moment he can inappropriately become involved in an unimportant trifle.
Switching aggression from mother to self ( retroflexion), feelings of guilt and shame.
If a person does not allow other people to express aggression, then it can often be directed at himself. This is how feelings of guilt and shame arise.
Guilt– this is aggression directed at one’s own behavior (I did something bad), shame– aggression aimed at one’s personality (I am a bad person). A person fantasizes that if he directs aggression at the offender, he will be rejected, and to prevent this from happening, he turns the aggression towards himself. As a result, he justifies the offender, and begins to blame and shame himself.
Therapy is healing from the trauma of the rejected.
- Survive the worst scenario of rejection.
To do this, you will need to imagine yourself as a child and play out the scenario of rejecting your mother in your mind. Suppose your mother left you alone, what will you do after that? Perhaps you will sit and wait, be sad, cry and be afraid. Okay, what will you do later when you get bored? Yes, there is no mother, but there is a father, grandfather or grandmother, uncle or aunt, and you can turn to them for support and care. If this can be done, then live a new scenario in your mind and get a new experience where rejection ends in care and protection from another person, not necessarily your mother. At this stage, most of the anxiety will go away and you will feel better.
- Interrupting age regression and returning to reality.
Rejection trauma cannot occur without age regression, therefore, if you recognize yourself as an adult who can take care of yourself, protect and ensure your survival, this will become a powerful resource in overcoming the state of helplessness and the inability to cope without a “mother figure”. In order to do this, when a state of rejection occurs, it is important to return to the body, feel your boundaries, weight, legs, torso, arms and straighten your back, feel the top of your head, relax your facial muscles and begin to breathe consciously, exhaling and inhaling in 5 counts. Then remember who you are now, how old you are, how you provide for yourself, and so on. Contact with reality will interrupt the regression into a child and your condition will stabilize.
- Self-therapy through psychodrama techniques or an experiment with empty chairs. ( For advanced)
For this practice you will need three free chairs. .
Stage 1
You sit in chair number 1 like an outcast child. You feel your state and from it imagine, opposite yourself, your mother, or any other person (from now on there will be a mother everywhere) who once rejected you. Then you feel your emotions and express them to the figure on chair No. 2.
For example: - " Mom, I’m angry with you, you’re bad, you abandoned me and left me alone. I'm very scared, I feel helpless and hopeless».
Then you realize your needs that are behind these emotions.
For example: - “I want you to hold me and protect me, tell me that you need me and that you love me.”.
Next, it is important to ask your mother why she rejected and ask if she can meet your needs. This is an important point, because without understanding the motives of another person, we cannot understand him, and, therefore, we cannot complete this situation in our mind. But it is important to do this not logically, but precisely feel, to live being in the state of another person. To do this, you need to sit on chair No. 2 and identify yourself with your mother.
Stage 2
Sit on the second chair and close your eyes. Imagine yourself in the role of a mother, feel yourself in a woman’s body, imagine how you are dressed, how old you are, where you live and work. The more details you remember and the better you get used to the role of a mother, the more effective the therapeutic work will be done.
Next, when you already feel like a woman, imagine your child opposite you, who tells you the phrases that were above. Feel your feelings and thoughts about these phrases and answer your child what you want.
The main thing here is to be honest, to say what you want, and not to force yourself to be a good mother. You won't be able to deceive yourself anyway. Perhaps you will hear words of repentance and acceptance from your mother. She will explain why she rejected you and will now want to make up for her omission. Then it is important for the child to believe in this and receive care and support.
However, there may be another scenario where the mother continues to be rejecting and does not understand what you want from her. Then it is important to move on to the next stage of therapeutic work.
Stage 3
You return to the role of a child and imagine yourself in the third chair, but already an adult. Realize your feelings for this person. Our goal is to see the strength in him and show interest in him. If you can do this the first time, then your task is to ask him for what you asked your mother for.
If there is a feeling of resentment towards an adult figure, it is important to express this resentment and get feedback from the adult, and only then talk about your needs.
Stage 4
Sit on the third chair, remember who you really are, feel like an adult who is able to provide for himself and take care of his needs.
Next, look from the area of your heart at the child in chair No. 1 and express your feelings to him. The most important thing is to feel compassion for him and the intention to take him under your protection. If you manage to do this, then the psychodrama ends with the child sitting next to you and you taking on the responsibility of caring for him. The child rejoices and therapy for the trauma of rejection ends.
Conclusion
However, unfortunately, not everything is so simple - a child can have many grievances, and an adult in his attitude is no better than that same rejecting mother. In this case, you need to contact a specialist (for example, me) for individual work, which may require more than one meeting. But I want to assure you that everything can be solved with your desire and intention.
I hope this material was useful to you. If yes, then share it with your friends, maybe it will help change their lives for the better.
Psychologist Vitaly Bambur.
We continue the Preparatory Training and our acquaintance with childhood psychological trauma. These injuries are called “psychological” because they injure the psyche and affect a person’s thoughts and feelings, his reactions and behavior.
These five traumas are what we will be healing at the May seminar:
- The trauma of the outcast.
- Trauma of the abandoned.
- The trauma of the humiliated.
- The trauma of betrayal.
- The trauma of injustice.
Each of these traumas forces a person to commit incorrect, illogical, and sometimes even stupid actions, which cannot be corrected later. It happens that a person understands that he is doing something wrong, but he does it anyway - but cannot justify “why”.
Trauma keeps a person on a short leashand controls his actions, decisions, choices.
A “dormant” injury can wait for years and become active at any moment, throwing a person out of balance.
Not wanting to face trauma and experience discomfort, we commit actions that are unusual for us. For example, we refuse people who are suitable for us, we turn away from those we love, and then we regret it all our lives.
In addition, traumas tend to grow and poison more and more areas of life.
We will talk about this in more detail at the next seminar - on Thursday, April 16. In the meantime, let's look at the destructive effect of injuries using real examples. Through what fears and sensations do childhood traumas control people?
1. Fear of rejection and “trauma of the rejected.”
If you have this trauma, then you are often afraid that you will not be accepted, understood, and loved for who you are.
This injury comes first in importance, since it appears first and hurts very deeply.
Have you ever felt that no one understands you and no one needs you?- and this gives rise to a feeling of hopelessness and even panic?
This is how the “rejected trauma” manifests itself.A person with such trauma often uses the words “I am nothing”, “I am no one”, “does not exist”, “disappear”, “I’m sick of...”.
These are the signs of such a person
- “Swings” of mood - from the stage of great love to periods of deep hatred.
- Such a person considers himself useless and insignificant.
- Shyness can be observed in his behavior; he has low self-esteem.
- He believes that he is not understood, people “don’t hear” him.
- In a company, such a person tends to take up less space and not express himself actively.
Where does “rejection trauma” come from?
- An unwanted child.The parents did not want to have this child, and maybe they were even unhappy that he appeared - because he interfered with their plans.
- The child is of the wrong gender.For example, a father wanted a son - an heir, a successor to the family, surname, business, and a daughter is born. Or the mother wanted a girl, but a boy was born.
- "We don't need you."If a parent even jokingly says that there will be more space in the house when the child leaves (gets married, goes to grandma’s, etc.).
- Lack of love.Parents, for various reasons or simply due to inability, do not show proper care or love for the child.
After healing the “rejection trauma”You look at the world completely differently, internally realize your right to exist and your opinion, you will no longer suffer from panic and a feeling of uselessness.
After this, you begin to build relationships confidently and openly. And if you are characterized by allergies, skin reactions, arrhythmia, breathing problems (feeling of lack of air), then after working through the injury you will be able to free yourself from this.
2. Fear of loneliness and “trauma of the abandoned.”
This is a state when you are terrified of ending a relationship with a person and being left alone with your inner emptiness. When there is a threat of breakup, you do everything to keep your partner. You step on the throat of your own pride, and sometimes common sense, and you can’t do anything about the desire to save the relationship.
As a result, you achieve success. But! When the relationship resumes, you begin to realize that this person is not really right for you. And so... thoughts of a breakup appear again.
This is how the “trauma of the abandoned” works.It is she who activates destructive programs in you, makes you afraid and avoids loneliness with all your might. But it is loneliness that can be healing and constructive - this is the period of preparation and awareness necessary to meet your person.
Where does “abandonment trauma” come from?
Child communication with a parent of the opposite sex. For example, a girl lacks communication with her father (because he is busy, or because he does not live with them...) A boy lacks communication with his mother.
Here are examples of such situations:
- A second child appears.The mother pays all her attention to the newborn and the eldest son feels “abandoned.” And if the newborn is sick, the parents care about him even more, then the severity of the injury increases.
- Parents are always at work.The child spends all his time alone. Even though he mentally understands that mom and dad have to work, the baby cannot protect his soul and psyche from injury.
- Parents give their child away during their vacation- grandmother, aunt, uncle, parents of friends, etc.
- When the child remains in the hospital, and for objective reasons his parents are prohibited from visiting him for some time. For example, a child after an operation in intensive care - the parents would be happy, but they can’t, but the child gets the “trauma of being abandoned.”
- One of the parents gets sick.The second parent pays all attention to the patient, the child remains abandoned.
A person with abandonment trauma needs someone’s presence, attention, and support more than others. Such a person becomes uncomfortable when he has to do or decide something alone. he is afraid of loneliness.
By healing the “trauma of the abandoned,” you can end relationships that are unfavorable for you and create happy ones. And if you leave everything as it is, the injury will progress and intensify its effect, or move to another area of life.
“I don’t want to” or “I can’t”?
In today's article, we are introducing only two injuries to make it easier for you to understand the difference between them. Often people confuse the traumas of “Rejected” and “Abandoned”.
- To reject is to say “I don’t want to.” The rejected person feels that he is being abandoned, not needed, not wanted, or unwanted.
- To leave is to say “I can’t.” They leave him because these are the circumstances and his parents cannot be there.
These injuries have completely different effects. This is why it is so important to identify and heal childhood traumas under the guidance of an experienced professional. Tomorrow we will continue and look at the three remaining injuries and their signs. In the meantime, write in the comments to this article - which of these two injuries have you seen in yourself, and whether you will be able to identify these injuries in other people.
Let's figure it out
And to deal with all the symptoms, we will meet on April 16(Thursday) in a free online seminar. You will determine what injuries cause what reactions in you, why they are dangerous and how they affect you specifically. And at the May seminar we will deal with healing.
Soon we will tell you what exactly will happen at the online seminar and what you will learn.
I remind you: To receive an invitation, you must be a participant in the preparatory training. If you have not signed up for our training yet, fill out the form below. The training is free, everyone can participate - this is how you will prepare for the May seminar.
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Registration for the April Preparatory Training Characteristics of Rejected Trauma:
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