I don't like being touched by others. Unpleasant touching of intimate places

Question for a psychologist:

Hello.

I have been married to my husband for 15 years. At the moment there are 5 children. I'm tired of my husband's misunderstanding and irritability. My mother raised me strictly and did not allow any liberties with the guys. My future husband loved me, and I allowed myself to be loved. After 5 years of courtship, he finally married me to himself. Somehow things didn’t work out right away for us with intimacy. I was a virgin and was very afraid of my wedding night. I understood what was needed, but I couldn’t. Every night of the ball is torture for me. He tried to relax me with valerian, alcohol, and tried to take me by force. Everything happened after a month of trying. I was scared and in pain. After that, for 15 years I tried to find different excuses to avoid sex. He's tired of me always turning him down. Sometimes I step over myself and give in, but I understand that I don’t need it. I’m irritated by his touches, I try not to show it, and I wait for the end. Although, when the initiative comes from me, everything goes amazingly. But then I close again. I am happy when I have critical days, and I have the right to relax. Pregnancy, the birth of children, the period of breastfeeding - this is all that relieves me of marital debt. He instilled in me the idea that I was frigid. And I almost believed it. But about a year ago, almost before my husband’s eyes, I began an affair with his handsome friend. I cheated on my husband for the first (and hopefully last) time. My mind was blown away. There was passion and mutual desire. There could be no talk of any frigidity.

Maybe I can't live without love? Against the background of the lack of intimacy, we began to alienate ourselves from each other and became more irritable. It turns out to be a vicious circle. I cannot get closer to my husband after a quarrel or irritability. Usually spouses make peace at night, but this is not about us. In my case, intimacy and love are synonyms. And if my husband allows himself insults and boorish attitude towards me, then I close myself off even more. Please help. I understand that I am doing wrong, that I am selfish. How can I get over myself and overcome my complexes?

Psychologist Draga Natalia Igorevna answers the question.

Hello, Tatyana!

Perhaps 37 years is not the most suitable age for such abstinence. Therefore, I really hope that my recommendations will be useful to you.

Let's start with the fact that female sexuality and attraction are primarily influenced by emotions. Accordingly, women's sexual problems are solved by solving psychological ones.

The husband's "misunderstanding and irritability" will not have any beneficial effect on the situation.

To begin with, talk to him frankly, tell him that you love him and want to save the marriage, return it, or rather, bring passion into your relationship!

To do this, offer him a friendly form of communication for a while. This does not mean that you will live like strangers on the same territory, but be friends in the literal sense of the word.

During your "friendship", think about what attracted you to your lover?

Most likely appearance.

Start changing your husband's image. Sign up for a gym together and start running in the morning. Douse it with your favorite men's perfume. Buy him new pajamas or a dressing gown, give him a new shirt or, conversely, a tracksuit.

It is clear that the transition from friendship to intimacy must be initiated by you! But only when you want it. And for this, think about what you want in sex? What turns you on? What have you never tried before?

I am more than sure that you have never watched erotic films or entered sex shops. It's time to start! When you have fantasies, don’t be shy, tell your husband about them.

Well, advice that may sound like mockery for a mother of 5 children is to avoid stress and fatigue.

Marina is 29 years old, she has many friends, she goes on dates, loves to dance... She gives the impression of a person who gets along with herself. Except for one thing: Marina cannot stand friendly hugs or other people's hands on her shoulder. “I just shudder, and sometimes I even start to choke when someone unexpectedly touches me. It's worse than being naked in public." Why is she so irritated by ordinary gestures that another person would not pay attention to?

Invisible traces

“The body retains invisible traces of our past,” explains psychotherapist Margarita Zhamkochyan. - Often those who are afraid of other people’s touches had complex tactile relationships with their parents, especially with their mother, in childhood. This connection is best revealed by psychoanalysis: in the process of work, it often turns out that the mother squeezed the child too obsessively or, conversely, rarely hugged him.”

If you carefully observe yourself, it may turn out that intolerance to touch is not of a general nature, but is aimed at very specific people - and often at the one who most strongly attracts and arouses the desire for intimacy. Perhaps there is a negative belief behind this: sex is always dirty and dangerous. It is also learned from parents and turns any touch into an indecent hint, almost an attempt that must be resisted.

“Each case has its own reason for rejection of physical contact, but it always speaks of a person’s desire to forget about the painful sensations experienced,” continues the psychotherapist.

The past is locked

“Protecting ourselves from other people’s touches, our body seems to be hiding - from others and from ourselves - something unpleasant from the past,” explains Margarita Zhamkochyan. “Sometimes a person may even develop imaginary skin diseases or other psychosomatic manifestations, as long as they do not touch him - in the literal and figurative sense.”

Border control

Of the five senses, only touch is mutual: not only do we touch the other, but he also touches us. “If in a conversation someone starts touching me too often,” says 33-year-old Ksenia, “it immediately seems to me that he allows himself too much, almost disposes of me like property. It's annoying."

Many people find it difficult to draw boundaries between themselves and others: they either experience an invasion or are attacked themselves. Such people do not feel protected - neither physically nor psychologically - and instead of contacting the outside world, they defend themselves from it.

A person’s main defense is inside: this is the feeling of his “I”, of himself as an integral personality

“These animals need external protective equipment to survive: shells, needles, claws...” says Margarita Zhamkochyan. - And a person’s main defense is inside: this is the feeling of his “I”, of himself as an integral person who has the right to life among other people. And this protection makes us invulnerable to any invasion, which means it saves us from painful experiences and the need to defend ourselves.”

“As a child, I hated being tapped on the cheek and being held close. “I was “escaping” from adults - I was dodging their hands,” recalls Svetlana, 28 years old. - I began to really suffer from physical contact at the age of 16. I blushed very much when someone approached me - it didn’t matter whether it was a stranger or a friend. I developed eczema... Working with a psychoanalyst, I realized that the problem was in my confrontation with my mother: she tried to completely control me, and I resisted this. To such an extent that I turned my skin into a shell so that they wouldn’t touch me. Fortunately, I have dealt with it now.”

Does he (she) avoid your kisses, shy away so as not to feel your hand on his shoulder? Don’t be angry: in most cases, it is not you who are rejected, but the meaning that a person puts into your movements. Give in the initiative: for example, when meeting, do not try to hug, but say: “It’s so good that we met! Will you kiss me? This way you will give the person the opportunity to resolve this issue himself and relieve him of the feeling of invasion of personal space.

Suggest a different greeting ritual, with or without touching, as long as it is pleasant for both.

What to do?

1. Investigate the reasons

Remember which touch is most unpleasant for you, and ask someone you trust to gently touch you in that way. Listen to the feelings and associations that arise and mentally move back into the past. At some point, a forgotten memory will come - at first glance not related to the touch, but capable of suggesting where the unpleasant experiences began.

2. Analyze the situation

What exactly is unpleasant for you about this touch? In what other situation or with another person was the same touch more acceptable to you? Such reflections will reduce anxiety.

3. Touch yourself

Learn to feel pleasure from your own touches. Every evening, lubricate and massage your hands, feet, and use body milk. This will relieve the stress of the day and also provide the experience of pleasant and safe touches.

4. Strengthen your inner defenses

Feel where exactly in the body you feel your “I”. Place your hand on this spot. Describe the image that has arisen: is there light, space, form there? What does it look like? Maybe it’s a fire or a spring... This will be your individual image of “I”. If you do this exercise for 30-60 seconds once a week, you will notice how the image will gradually change and take a different place. This feeling of your “I”, that internal protection, will turn on itself at the right moments and support you.

About the expert

Psychotherapist, social psychologist, director of the psychological center of the Victoria Charitable Foundation.

Natural selection. We need to get treatment!

"I bet he could sell the snow to the Eskimos."

"Where did you get the idea?"

“It’s all because of the girl. Wow! My granddaughter, Sarah, is flying on a plane!” He looked at the biplane circling over the farm, which seemed to us like a silver midge. He spoke as a cold-blooded person would speak, noticing that flowers suddenly bloomed on the dried birch tree in the yard and plump, rosy apples appeared.

“Since birth, she can’t stand heights. She starts screaming. She’s terribly afraid. Sarah would rather put her hand in an aspen grove than climb a tree. She wouldn’t go up to the attic, even if the Great Flood was already splashing in the yard. She works wonders with cars , gets along with animals, but can’t stand heights at all. And here you are - flying through the air.”

Causes, symptoms and treatment of haptophobia

Haptophobia is the fear of being touched by people. This pathology is also called aphephobia, haphophobia, haptephobia.

This is a fairly rare and specific phobia that manifests itself in the form of an obsessive fear of being touched by strangers. Many residents of megacities suffer from haptophobia; they want to minimize physical contact with those people who are unpleasant or unfamiliar to them. Haptophobia most often occurs in people who were not raised in intact families, or whose parents did not instill in them love for others from childhood. This phobia is a violation of a person’s mental adaptation and interferes with his social contacts in society.

Haptophobia should be separated from the modesty of a person’s character. Fear of other people's touches becomes a big problem for many people, causes a lot of negative emotions, and deprives them of the joy of human communication. Haptophobia can be called a disease of big cities, because in the rural outback, handshakes and kisses are a normal manifestation of the goodwill of people when meeting.

Reasons

There are many reasons for the development of haptophobia, which are divided into “external” and “internal” factors.

External factors include:

Various disorders of the nervous system: obsessive-compulsive neurosis and psychasthenia;
Sexual and physical abuse in childhood. It can be especially acute in men who encountered pedophiles or homosexuals in childhood;
Intellectual development disorders. Autistic and mentally retarded children do not like to be touched and can react very aggressively to this;
Specifics of the work. May occur in some healthcare workers;
Personality disorders. Haphophobia can occur in people with anancastic or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder;
Puberty period. Teenagers are afraid that if a girl touches them, sexual arousal will occur, which will be noticeable to everyone.

Personal characteristics. It can develop in people who do not like others invading their personal space. Also, some people do not like to communicate with strangers;
Increased disgust. Over time, it can develop into haptophobia;
Asexuality. The reason for everything is disrupted hormonal levels;
Nationalistic or racist beliefs. A person is not pleased when people of a different nationality or race touch him;
Fear of men's touch.

Symptoms

People with haptophobia may fear the touch of not only strangers, but even relatives. When touched, patients may flinch and facial expressions change. People around them understand that a person is uncomfortable with their touch.

Patients with haptophobia divide the touch of strangers into two types: burning (“like a brand”) and cold (“shivering”).

Some patients may experience nausea, trembling in the limbs, and a feeling of disgust when touched. Many patients experience an unpleasant sensation at the point of contact with a stranger. If someone with haptophobia took their hand, then he tries to wash it with soap under running water or wipe it with a napkin. Haptophobia can manifest itself in a person as a feeling of lack of air - he begins to choke, and a panic attack may occur.

Very often, the fear of being touched can hide other types of phobias: fear of infection (another person may be perceived as a breeding ground for pathogens or viruses) or of sexual aggression. In the modern world, the term “comfort zone” has appeared.

How to recognize a haptophobe?

Some people set certain boundaries, keeping strangers at a certain distance from themselves. Every person tries to protect himself from communicating with unpleasant or strangers. Touching another person is considered a “border violation.” In some people, the fear of touch manifests itself in the form of a negative attitude towards water or wind, that is, a fear of external aggression manifests itself.

Sometimes the fear of other people's touches interferes with a person's personal life and disrupts sexual contact with a sexual partner. Some patients with haptophobia experience an aggressive response to the touch of another person. The patient may unexpectedly push or hit a person, or abruptly pull back his hand. At the moment of aggressive behavior, the patient does not remember anything, his actions are not conscious.

People with fear of being touched wear closed clothing: long-sleeved shirts and sweaters, trousers or jeans. They do not like to travel on public transport, stand in queues, and the slightest touch of strangers causes a sea of negative emotions in patients. Patients with haptophobia are always mentally prepared in advance to meet friends who will hug them, and try to hide the external manifestations of unpleasant sensations.

Impaired social interaction

Haptophobia can occur in medical workers and police officers. Some people at work very often have to deal with alcoholics, drug addicts and homeless people who lead an antisocial lifestyle and do not observe basic rules of personal hygiene. In the future, the fear of human touch spreads to family members and close friends.

Very often, others perceive this phobia as ordinary disgust, resentment and misunderstanding arise, they react negatively to fear, and do not help overcome it with their support.

Symptoms of haptophobia may be one of the signs of a person’s asexuality. Some patients have low levels of thyroid hormones, estrogen (in women) or testosterone (in men), they are absolutely not interested in people of the opposite sex, they have no sexual desire, and any touching of strangers leads to emotional irritation and causes a feeling of disgust .

People who experienced physical or sexual abuse (or attempted rape) as children have a very strong fear of human touch. They regard any tactile contact as a manifestation of physical or sexual aggression. They remember what happened for the rest of their lives and are afraid that it might happen again. Sometimes they consider unsociability to be the best “shield”.

Diagnostics

Haptophobia is revealed during a conversation between a doctor and a patient. Very often a person himself cannot understand why he does not like the touch of strangers. The psychotherapist must help the patient understand the causes of his phobia. It is necessary to carry out a differential diagnosis of haptophobia and other human fears. The patient should tell the doctor about traumatic situations in his childhood.

Treatment

Fear of touch in megacities is considered normal, and some people do not even think of seeking psychological help from doctors.

If a person is aware of his problem, then he will not be able to cope with this phobia on his own.

Fear of touch is a violation of human social interaction and is very often treated by psychologists in personal growth groups. If haptophobia is a manifestation of neurosis or psychasthenia, then the patient must be prescribed medication and psychotherapy.

Many psychologists believe that fear of touch can be treated by keeping a person in a crowd for a long time - “like is cured by like.” Long-term psychotherapy allows you to most deeply and thoroughly work through all a person’s fears. During psychotherapy sessions, you can treat the fear itself (behavioral therapy), or you can explore the source of its appearance and understand what led to it. Haptophobia can be overcome with the mutual “commonwealth” of the psychotherapist, the patient and his loved ones.

Fear of other people's touches

What is haptophobia

Phobias can be very different; among the most “condemned” and “misunderstood” is haptophobia – fear of being touched. Fear is also often called aphephobia, haphophobia, haptephobia. This is a rather rare and specific phobia, which manifests itself as an obsessive fear of the touch of other people, a reluctance to contact them. The phobia manifests itself in psychasthenia or obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Haptophobia is an overly exaggerated sense of personal space. Every person has it, and everyone tries to protect it from the intrusions of strangers. However, in people whose psyche is disturbed, the boundary between personal and common space blurs, and the touch of strangers becomes more than unpleasant, and then a phobia appears. When a stranger “penetrates” personal territory, the feeling of discomfort intensifies to the limit, the fear of physical contact becomes uncontrollable.

In the modern world, intolerance to other people's touches is becoming so common that most people, including patients themselves, do not take it seriously. Although most often, fear is only a side effect of a more serious disease, and it is treated after a person manages to cope with his neurosis.

The phobia can spread not only to strangers and random strangers, but also to family members and close friends. Often, fear of touch is mistaken for increased disgust, and as a result, resentment and misunderstanding arise; they react negatively to fear, without helping to overcome it with their support.

Causes of fear

Often, haptophobia begins in childhood, where an extremely unpleasant event could happen to a person, for example, rape, attempts at harassment, encounters with pedophilia, beatings and bites. Parents could scare the child that they could become infected with something terrible from strangers on the street and die. There is a particularly high chance that a phobia will arise in boys who have been in an unpleasant situation of a sexual nature. They remember what happened for the rest of their lives and are afraid that it might happen again, so they consider unsociability to be the best shield. A phobia can arise even from a seemingly insignificant incident, but over time the fear progresses in the subconscious.

In other cases, reluctance to touch strangers may be caused by observing the dirtiest and sloppiest representatives of society, such as drug addicts, alcoholics and homeless people, whom many find it unpleasant to even be around. Such haptophobia can be justified if the fear does not become obsessively catastrophic.

A phobia can also appear for physiological reasons, most often at the hormonal level. Due to the amount of estrogen and testosterone and diseases of the thyroid gland, a person may experience such deviation of sexual behavior as asexuality, which is accompanied by poor tolerance of any touch.

It happens that haptophobia is limited only by the fear of being touched by people of the opposite sex; such people are even more likely to withdraw into themselves and avoid any contact. In women, this is due to the fear of sexual violence, to which they are exposed more often than men.

Symptoms and treatment of haptophobia

The signs that accompany a phobia are not very diverse in nature. Among them:

Excessive anxiety before going out or coming to an unfamiliar place;
Panic when being in a crowd;
Nausea and tremors in the limbs;
The feeling that the air is running out and the person is suffocating;
Feeling of the unreality of what is happening;
Feeling of disgust;
Fear of being dirty and contaminated with something.

Patients experiencing fear describe the touch of strangers as either burning, like a brand, or, on the contrary, cold and making them shiver. A phobia makes people very nervous and afraid of any penetration into their personal space.

It is possible to cope with such an enemy as haptophobia only with the help of complex treatment. Neurosis greatly interferes with social and personal life; such a problem cannot be ignored. The phobia should be treated under the supervision of a qualified psychotherapist who will prescribe antidepressants and prescribe the necessary procedures.

Austrian writer Elias Canetti believes that fear can only be overcome if you use the “knock out fire with fire” method. That is, only being in a crowd can save a patient from obsessive fear. This idea is completely justified, but it is often very difficult to step over yourself and face fear face to face.

Haptophobia: overcoming the fear of being touched by strangers

Space is necessary for a person to feel comfortable. Some people enjoy strong friendly hugs and constant tactile contact, while other individuals try to maintain a certain distance and are indignant when friends or relatives cross an invisible line. There is also a category of men and women who are diagnosed with a fear of touch. For them, every tactile contact is a terrible ordeal.

Fear of tactile contacts: a disorder, not a whim

Haptophobia (otherwise known as aphenphosmophobia or haphephobia) is not a quirk or character trait, but a mental disorder. People around a person may consider him an arrogant egoist or a neat guy who disdains to shake the hand of a colleague or kiss his beloved aunt on the cheek. Children with this disorder are characterized as modest and shy and are constantly forced to overcome fears and aversions in order to liberate and make them more sociable. You also need to understand that aphenphosmophobia and fear of people are completely different things that have different natures.

A phobia does not appear in men and women from birth, but is formed under the influence of external or internal factors. Some psychologists argue that the problem occurs in patients with obsessive-compulsive disorder or psychasthenia. Other experts believe that sometimes a serious emotional shock in the distant past is enough for the situation and unpleasant impressions from it to be deposited in the subconscious, and over time transform into a fear of the touch of other people.

Haptophobia can appear unexpectedly in an adult. One day he comes to the realization that it is unpleasant for him to touch the palm of his other half, and the hugs of a loving mother or brother irritate or cause discomfort. The thought constantly comes to mind that a person touched the handrail on the bus with those same hands, petted a dog, or forgot to wash them after using the toilet. The reason for this condition may be watching a movie with shocking footage or the consequences of work, an unpleasant incident in real life.

Typical symptoms of haptophobia

Patients with fear of being touched try to avoid public places where they might be accidentally touched by strangers. They take a long time to calm down and get ready before leaving the house, putting on shirts or sweaters with long sleeves, sometimes even in the summer, in order to protect their body from others as much as possible.

When an ordinary person on a bus is touched by a neighbor or a passenger passing by, he will not pay attention to such a trifle. A patient with haptophobia in such a situation will experience a storm of emotions:

the pulse quickens, symptoms such as nausea and trembling in the limbs appear;
lack of oxygen provokes shortness of breath and panic attack;
the touch itself either burns or seems cold, like a piece of ice, from which the skin becomes covered with pimples;
a person wants to immediately wash the “defiled” area or wipe it with a damp cloth.

For some men and women, the phobia is not so pronounced, so they are able to endure the kisses of their grandmother or the hugs of friends, force themselves to make love with their husband or wife, but such contacts do not bring them pleasure. A few seconds of tenderness, and they try to move away, go to another room, or find more important things to do. Haptophobes are often unable or unwilling to hide their emotions from others: disgust, irritation or fear. Some demonstratively take out tissues or go to the bathroom to show that they should not be forced into their comfort zone.

Fear of touch: internal causes

If a sexually active woman or man suddenly ceases to be interested in the opposite sex, has problems with weight or health, or has a phobia, then it is recommended to check the hormonal levels. Low levels of testosterone or estrogen lead to a decrease in libido, so the desire to make love and simply touch someone disappears.

The phobia also haunts male adolescents. Young men avoid contacts with the opposite sex, fearing the appearance of an erection at an inconvenient moment and the condemnation of others who have witnessed the excitement.

Aphenphosmophobia can be a consequence of rape, when strangers and overly intrusive acquaintances are associated with danger. Patients who were forced into sex as children prefer loneliness and have difficulty getting close to people. Women are frightened when strangers try to take their hand or touch another part of their body. Girls in such situations either run away or fight back the enemy. In some cases, everything ends only in indignation, although a stranger can get hit in the face or nose. Patients during panic do not control their own actions.

Boys who are victims of adult men have a hard time socializing. They do not form friendships or romantic relationships for fear of the situation repeating itself.

Some patients experience discomfort from the touch of certain categories of people: those with dark skin, excess weight, or physical characteristics. The disorder is caused by racist beliefs or hostility towards disabled or overweight people. Perhaps the patient is subconsciously afraid of getting hurt or gaining weight.

Haptophobia: external factors

Health and social workers who are forced to touch and talk to unkempt homeless people and drug addicts on a daily basis become wary of dirt and disease. They are haunted by the obsession that they can catch a virus or bacteria from strangers. Gradually, a mild form of disgust worsens and turns into a fear of any touch.

Phobia can be a symptom of autism or mental retardation. People with this diagnosis are more focused on their inner world, and attempts by others to invade their comfort zone are perceived aggressively.

Fear of touch is diagnosed in patients with nervous disorders: psychasthenia or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Patients avoid contact with strangers or even relatives if they do not want to catch the bacteria. Such individuals carefully monitor cleanliness and their hygiene, always carry wet wipes or antiseptics with them, and react sharply to any stains or dirt.

Some people are annoyed by the smell of their interlocutor, which is repulsive and causes negative emotions. Perhaps the aroma is associated with unpleasant memories from the past or you simply don’t like it. In such situations, it is enough to stop communicating and not force yourself to be polite and nice.

Fear of touch: treatment

Some patients are comfortable with their phobia and the possibility of isolation from the outside world. They find work that does not require contact with people and do not strive to start relationships. If the problem causes discomfort, you should consult a psychotherapist.

During the treatment process, the specialist must determine what caused the problem. For some people, the phobia disappears after getting rid of unpleasant memories and fear. Others are helped by antidepressants, and in cases with mental disorders, qualified treatment with special drugs will be needed.

To get used to touching and hugging, some patients are advised to do couple dancing or yoga. Group therapy under the supervision of a doctor or the shock method, when a person is asked to visit public places with many people every day, or ride buses during rush hour, is useful. The latter option is only suitable for individuals who are able to control panic attacks, otherwise the experiment may end badly.

A phobia can be diagnosed and treated, but it is better to get rid of fear in a psychotherapist’s office rather than try to overcome your disorder on your own. It is enough to admit that there is a problem, and the doctor will tell you how to correct the situation.

Touch aversion

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Dislike of being touched

The problem is that I can't stand it when anyone touches me. If anyone touches me, my mood will be ruined for the whole day. Neither my mother, nor my brother, nor beautiful girls, any touch gives me terrible discomfort. This has nothing to do with hygiene, I can pick up a pie from the floor and eat it, take someone else’s socks and throw them in the wash. I don’t like animals, but I pet them without any consequences.

Because of this, you have to come up with a lot of ornate tricks to avoid tactile contacts. For example, in order to avoid shaking hands at interviews, I bandaged my hand, and in order to avoid going to the hairdresser, I bought myself a clipper and cut my own hair with it. Over the years I have come up with a lot of such tricks, which allowed me to exist quite comfortably, some are even quite useful despite the disorder. But time passes, I began to think about family, but with my problem the goal seems unattainable.

I tried to describe everything in sufficient detail. I will answer any questions. Need help or at least advice.

I can't stand other people's touch

They shy away from handshakes and cannot stand being touched on the shoulder. For others, it seems natural to hug when meeting, but these people flinch at any touch. Where does this aversion to physical contact come from?

Invisible traces

“Each case has its own reason for rejection of physical contact, but it always speaks of a person’s desire to forget about the painful sensations experienced,” continues the psychotherapist.

The past is locked

Border control

A person’s main defense is inside: this is the feeling of his “I”, of himself as an integral personality

Suggest a different greeting ritual, with or without touching, as long as it is pleasant for both.

What to do?

1. Investigate the reasons

2. Analyze the situation

What exactly is unpleasant for you about this touch? In what other situation or with another person was the same touch more acceptable to you? Such reflections will reduce anxiety.

3. Touch yourself

4. Strengthen your inner defenses

About the expert

Margarita Zhamkochyan is a psychotherapist, social psychologist, director of the psychological center of the Victoria charity foundation.

How do we feel about (other people's) touch?

Touching is a constant source of awkwardness for many of us. One movement of the hand can bring us closer, or it can destroy the hope of rapprochement.

Few of us listen to the advice of adults when we are young. We often understand the value and significance of their words only with age.

Irritation from touching

Asks: Ekaterina:04:50)

Hello. I am 29 years old. Difficult relationship with my husband, 3 year old son. Since childhood, I don’t like being touched, but I very rarely show it. I can travel on crowded buses quite calmly, but I can’t stand any manifestations. how to say something. sympathy or something. I don’t kiss anyone, I don’t hug anyone (if I haven’t seen each other for a very long time, then hugs last no more than 5 seconds). My mother says that I have been like this since childhood, I even always went to bed myself (I have a good relationship with my parents), I never went for a hug or a hug, I always considered it unnecessary. And over time it grew into... I don’t know what to call it, please tell me? If they stroke my head, my hair, put their hand on my shoulder, or just try to hug me, I start to get irritated, my mood deteriorates, I can yell, I can become hysterical, sometimes I even feel nauseous. The only person to whom there is no such reaction is my son.

Catherine! What does this impersonal phrase mean: “If they stroke my head, my hair, put their hand on my shoulder, or just try to hug me.”?

Who are these “someones” who make you sick? We need to sort out your relationships with relatives and parents. After all, it’s one thing when a child doesn’t go to bask, and quite another when an adult gets sick of the touches of others. Many psychologists have an incorrect manner, without understanding the situation, to look for everything in childhood. Clients do not avoid this either. I suspect that if no affection was allowed at all, then you would have neither a husband nor a child in principle. So once upon a time, quite recently, and not in childhood, everything was fine with you?

Contact a psychologist in person. I would recommend finding a specialist who knows classical hypnosis. In the end, if your problem is truly "from childhood", then using age regression is the easiest way to solve your problem. Perhaps your problem comes from a past life.

It seems that your current state has begun to cause you anxiety in your relationships with your loved ones, first of all, if I understood you correctly.

I sympathize that since childhood you have not liked being touched, you rarely show it, and now you are no longer able to restrain yourself. Tension comes out in the most natural way - in the form of irritation.

Usually, to the touch of strangers or unpleasant people, many people react with war, as if their borders are being violated. I wonder how this relates to relationships in your family. I’m glad for your son that everything is going well in your relationship with him.

From your letter, Ekaterina, it is not very clear, unfortunately, what you want from psychologists. A direct question, which is indicated: tell me how to name the state. I call it disgust.

Next is the strategy of action of your choice: know about your disgust and recognize it as an immutable fact; know, accept and endure; know and try to overcome; find and eliminate the cause; completely change the reaction to touch in the present.

You decide this depending on what you want. A psychologist usually responds to your need and helps you satisfy it.

Best regards, Larisa.

Hello, Ekaterina! The good news about your situation is that this does not affect your son in any way. Perhaps you are not mistaken about the fact that the roots go back to childhood, but I do not rule out that we need to look for other reasons. You need a face-to-face consultation, during which the origins of the problem and ways to find peace of mind for you and your loved ones will be found.

Best regards, Inna.

Jumanova Zhanat Salmenovna

Considering your intolerance to emotional manifestations from people around you and tactile touches, as well as restraint in feelings, I can assume that your aspirations are aimed at maintaining independence and self-satisfaction. Therefore, you try to distance yourself from other people and do not allow them to come closer to you. It is also possible that the “difficulties” that have arisen in your relationship with your husband are due to your tension in front of your responsibilities, dependence and limitations of your personality, so your behavior may manifest detachment, distance, and restraint. In some cases, it can be difficult to eliminate “gaps” in relationships on your own; it is more effective to do this accompanied by a psychologist.

Yulia is 25 years old, she has many friends, she goes on dates, and loves to dance. She comes across as someone who is at peace with herself. Except for one thing: Julia cannot stand friendly hugs or other people's hands on her shoulder. “I can’t stand other people’s touches. I just shudder and sometimes even start to choke when someone unexpectedly touches me - it’s worse than being naked in public,” she writes. Why is she so irritated by ordinary gestures that another person would not pay attention to?

The body retains invisible traces of our past. Often those who are afraid of other people's touches had complex tactile relationships with their parents, especially their mother, in childhood. This connection is best revealed by psychoanalysis: in the process of work it often turns out that the mother cuddled the child too obsessively or, conversely, rarely hugged or caressed him.

If you carefully observe yourself, it may turn out that intolerance to touch is not of a general nature, but is aimed at very specific people. And often on the one who most strongly attracts and evokes the desire for intimacy. Perhaps there is a negative belief behind this: sex is always dirty and dangerous. It is also learned from parents and turns any touch into an indecent hint, almost an attempt that must be resisted. In each case, there is a different reason for the rejection of physical contact, but it always speaks of a person’s desire to forget about the painful sensations experienced.

“Hands remember!” - we say when we remember some forgotten skill. We intuitively know that the body retains memories of many of our past experiences. And we can describe our life in bodily images: “I was very thin and weak then,” “This scar is from the times when I fought all the time - then I could beat anyone,” “My grandmother said that I have my father’s hands.” . Protecting ourselves from other people's touches, our body seems to be hiding - from others and from ourselves - something unpleasant from the past. Sometimes a person may even develop imaginary skin diseases or some other psychosomatic manifestations, as long as they do not touch him - in the literal and figurative sense.

Of our five senses, only touch is mutual: not only do we touch the other, but he also touches us. “If in a conversation someone starts touching me too often,” says 43-year-old Tatyana, “it immediately seems to me that he allows himself too much, almost disposes of me like property. It's annoying. I can't stand other people's touches." Many people find it difficult to draw boundaries between themselves and others: they either experience an invasion or are attacked themselves. Such people do not feel protected either physically or psychologically. And instead of contacting the outside world, they defend themselves from it. These animals need external protective equipment to survive: shell, needles, claws. And a person’s main defense is inside: this is the feeling of his “I”, of himself as an integral person who has meaning and the right to life among other people. And this protection makes us invulnerable to any invasion, which means it saves us from painful experiences and the need to defend ourselves.

What should I do if I can't stand other people's touches?

1. Investigate the reasons. Remember which touch is most unpleasant for you, and ask someone you trust to gently touch you in that way. Listen to the feelings and associations that arise and mentally move back into the past. At some point, a forgotten memory will come - at first glance not related to the touch, but capable of suggesting where the unpleasant experiences began.

2. Analyze the situation. What exactly is unpleasant for you about this touch? In what other situation or with another person would the same touch be more acceptable to you? Such reflections will alleviate anxiety.

3. Touch yourself. Learn to feel pleasure from your own touches. Every evening, lubricate and massage your hands and feet with cream and use a gentle body milk. This will relieve the stress of the day and also provide the experience of pleasant and safe touches.

4. Strengthen your inner defenses. Feel where exactly in the body you feel your “I”. Place your hand on this spot. Describe the image that has arisen: is there light, space, form there? What does it look like? Maybe it's a fire or a spring. This will be your individual self-image. If you do this exercise for seconds once a week, you will notice how the image will gradually change and take a different place. This feeling of your “I”, that internal protection, will turn on itself at the right moments and support you.

“I can’t stand other people’s touches. As a child, I hated being tapped on the cheek and being held close. I “escaped” from adults, dodging their hands. I began to really suffer from physical contact at the age of 16. I blushed a lot when someone approached me - it didn’t matter whether it was a stranger or a friend. I developed eczema. Working with a psychoanalyst, I realized that the problem was in my confrontation with my mother: she tried to completely control me, and I resisted this. To such an extent that I turned my skin into a shell so that they wouldn’t touch me. Luckily, I've dealt with it now. Anastasia Patapchikova."

Haptophobia - fear of being touched

Sometimes we don’t even suspect that things that are familiar to most people cause panic horror in many. One of the most incomprehensible phobias for others is the fear of touch, or as it is also called haptophobia. The essence of haptophobia lies in the reluctance to contact with strangers, which manifests itself in the fear of other people's touches.

Haptophobia or aphephobia is manifested by an increased sense of the boundaries of personal space. Each person has his own standards for delimiting the boundaries between personal and public space, but for haptophobes these boundaries are too blurred. Living in a metropolis, it is impossible to completely protect yourself from contact with strangers: traveling on public transport, visiting museums, theaters, and shops is impossible to imagine without close contact with other members of society.

At the moment when a stranger “penetrates” personal territory, people suffering from aphephobia experience uncontrollable feelings of fear and disgust. Many people confuse a phobia with ordinary disgust, and this is not entirely true. Sometimes only a specialist can help get rid of the fear of touching. If you do not seek medical help in a timely manner, a person withdraws into himself and cannot get out of this state on his own.

Reasons

Experts say that fear of touch can arise under the influence of internal or external factors.

Internal factors include:

Character traits. Many people, due to their personal characteristics, do not like it when strangers invade their inner world.
The cause of haptophobia can be increased disgust.
Racist beliefs. Some people are afraid when people of other nationalities touch them.
Women are often afraid of being touched by men.

External factors for the emergence of fear of being touched by strangers include:

Chronic diseases of the central nervous system. People suffering from psychoses and neuroses do not tolerate interference in their personal space.
Experienced physical or sexual abuse as a child or teenager. According to statistics, boys who have been attacked by pedophiles suffer more severe psychological trauma and experience aphephobia in adulthood.
Mentally retarded people do not like it when strangers touch them and begin to react aggressively to this.
People with anacaste disorder often experience haptophobia.
Haptophobia can occur in young people during puberty. The guy is afraid that if a girl touches him, his sexual arousal will become noticeable to others.

The specifics of work also leave an imprint on the individual’s relationships in society. For example, dermatologists, who daily encounter various skin diseases due to the nature of their work, cannot tolerate strangers touching their skin.

Symptoms

Life in a big city is impossible to imagine without traveling by public transport. If an ordinary person does not pay attention to the accidental touch of a neighboring passenger, then the haptophobe will experience a storm of emotions in a few seconds:

The haptophobe starts to tremble, the pulse quickens, and nausea may occur.
The patient begins to breathe intermittently, and there is a lack of oxygen. The resulting dizziness can cause fainting.
The haptophobe wants to immediately wash or wipe the place that a stranger has touched with an alcohol wipe.
Depending on your personality, someone else's touch may burn or feel like a piece of ice touching bare skin. The body instantly becomes covered with goosebumps, and disgusted facial expressions make it clear to others how unpleasant this was for the person.

In order not to offend loved ones, haptophobes try not to show how unpleasant it is for them to invade their personal space. They tolerate kisses and hugs from their relatives, while experiencing only negative feelings. Some, on the contrary, demonstratively wipe their hands with a napkin after shaking hands, thereby showing how unpleasant it was for them. As practice shows, the fear of being touched by other people leaves a serious imprint on the lifestyle of a haptophobe. Problems at work and in personal life make such a person closed and difficult to communicate with. Aphephobia may be a consequence of other phobias: fear of sexual harassment or fear of contracting an infectious disease.

How to get rid of the fear of touch

Recognizing haptophobia as a disease is the first step towards recovery. If it is impossible to cope with such an illness on your own, then it’s time to seek help from a psychotherapist. The doctor prescribes treatment for the disease based on the individual characteristics of the patient. During the conversation, the specialist must determine the main reason that caused the fear of being touched. For some, it’s enough to get rid of unpleasant memories, and being in a cramped room with a lot of people no longer seems like a big problem. In cases of serious psychological disorders, treatment is carried out with antidepressants and other medications.

In psychology, there are several methods on how to overcome this or that fear. To get rid of the fear of interference in personal space, doctors prescribe yoga classes or couple dancing to their patients. Regular exercise, which at the very beginning is a real punishment, over time begins to bring pleasure. Patients who can control their emotions may be advised to travel during rush hour traffic. Such “shock” treatment sometimes brings the desired result in a short time. But it is worth repeating that such therapy is only suitable for those people who are able to control panic and not fall into an uncontrollable state.

When experiencing this or that phobia, you should not withdraw into yourself and give up on your personal life. Each person is individual, and there is nothing terrible if the fear of touch turns into a disease. Like any psychological problem, haptophobia can disappear from life forever after regular sessions with a psychotherapist. In everyday life, the concept of a “comfort zone”, that is, the personal space of an individual, is becoming widespread. Violating the boundaries of this space infuriates many people, and sometimes a person cannot cope with such a condition on his own. A competent specialist will select an individual method for getting rid of a phobia, and following all the doctor’s recommendations will help you live a full life.

We have been married for 17 years. During this time, my husband and I had periods of emotional distance and rapprochement. But lately I have been feeling rejection from him. He is irritated by my words and actions. He refuses my gifts. And what causes the most suffering is that my touch is unpleasant to him, to the point that he literally jumps out of his seat when I try to hug or touch. He says: “I don’t like this.” I tried to talk to him frankly, I said: “If you don’t love me, let’s break up.” He does not perceive my words, he says: “I do everything for the house.” He goes to work overnight. But family is not only everyday life. Lately I've even been having dreams in which my husband ignores me.

Inga, 36 years old

People react differently to physical contact in different emotional states. Some people, in moments of mental discomfort, want to be hugged and held close. Others, in a state of emotional stress, fatigue or irritability, say: “Don't touch me” - literally and figuratively. For example, if there are troubles that a person wants to solve himself, without traumatizing his loved ones and without introducing them to the essence of what is happening, then he may strive for solitude and react negatively to attempts at physical intimacy.

Firstly, it is important to understand whether irritability is related to you personally, or whether it is his own condition, and you are indirectly involved in it. If this is not related to you, then irritability manifests itself in a wider range of situations - in relation to other people as well. A person becomes more withdrawn, less eager for contacts and entertainment. The fact that such periods have happened before, and then they were replaced by rapprochement, and the fact that the spouse continues to do everything for the house, indicates that this is not directly related to you and your marital relationship. Rather, it is a consequence of his emotional state at the moment. And you need to try not to aggravate the situation with actions that cause additional irritation.

Family is really more than just everyday life. But at the moment, it is better to show your love through understanding and sensitivity to your spouse’s condition, create an environment conducive to “dispersing the clouds,” and help him return to a state of serenity and good mood. And when you feel that your husband’s mood has improved, resume tactile contact - first return to emotionally encouraging and neutral touches during a walk, ask for a hand, kiss when saying goodbye and meeting. And in the future, expand the zone of physical contact to hugs and kisses, talking kindly with your husband and explaining that this is very important to you. I wish you family well-being and mutual understanding!