Suppression of emotions as a cause of neurotic depression. How to express suppressed feelings

Today I continue to reflect with you on our feelings. You know, I myself didn’t think that this topic was so complex and deep. I thought that I would tell you a couple of topics and move on to the next one. But after the previous issue, I began to think about feelings, remember everything I know about it, look through my notes from seminars. And I was amazed at how deep and interesting everything was. Unfortunately, I will not be able to convey to you everything that I know - it is difficult for me to convey such a huge volume and depth in this newsletter. But I will try, as much as I can, to educate you at least a little on this topic. In the last issue, we talked about how it turns out that a person does not know how to live his feelings, why he begins to suppress them within himself. Today I propose to continue this topic and talk about how most of us, already as adults, learn to suppress our feelings and what happens to them and their feelings.

The first option for responding to feelings is to prohibit experiencing unpleasant feelings. We try to convince ourselves that we will not experience these “unpleasant” feelings. We usually consider such “unpleasant” feelings as anger, pain, resentment, hatred, depression, etc. In the church they may say that these are “sinful” feelings that a believer simply cannot and should not experience. In fact, it is not very pleasant to feel anger or rage or resentment. They seem to pull out of us the most negative and difficult traits of our character, which we would not like to see in ourselves or show to others. It’s so ugly, unpleasant, impolite to be angry or offended. It's much more pleasant to be polite, cheerful, sociable and cheerful, right? I read in a book the story of one mother who was a believer and forbade herself to feel anger at her children. She told herself that she shouldn’t feel this, it was bad. Gradually, she almost learned to forbid herself to feel her anger, but, to her surprise, she became depressed and wanted to get rid of her children - throw them out of the car, forget them in the store. She couldn’t understand why this was happening to her - isn’t she a real Christian?

What happens to a person who forbids himself to experience feelings? Remember in the last issue we talked about why we were given our feelings in the first place? They are like indicators on the dashboard of a car, helping to drive the car correctly and avoid accidents. And if a person stops noticing his feelings and forbids himself to experience them, then serious problems and difficulties begin in his life. After all, in fact, our feelings do not disappear anywhere, they live their own lives inside us. And if we do not learn to express them correctly, to release them in a safe way (and we will talk about how to do this in future issues), then they will fight for the right to come to the surface. And suppressing feelings can take up a lot of energy that could be spent for more peaceful purposes. This is constant stress, a constant struggle with ourselves, which exhausts us and prevents us from living a happy life.

And one of the consequences of suppressing feelings is the gradual loss of the ability to feel anything at all. That is, by forbidding ourselves to experience negative feelings, we stop feeling at all. For example, how would you like this: “If I do not allow myself to feel any resentment, I will have to not allow myself to love anyone or anything. Because when you love, there is a high probability that the person you love will somehow - it will hurt." Or another example: “To avoid disappointment, I will have to avoid any situation that might make me happy, because if my hopes for this do not come true, I will be disappointed.” In this regard, I remember the film "Equilibrium". Remember, there they simply wanted to prevent war and forbade experiencing negative feelings - hatred, anger, rage. But in the end, they stopped experiencing positive feelings too - love, affection, tenderness, sadness. If you start killing one type of feeling in yourself, then you kill all feelings in general.

The next type of suppression of one’s feelings is ignoring them, denying feelings. This type of suppression differs from the first in that a person simply no longer understands what exactly he feels in this situation, what is happening now inside him. I remember an interesting example from my life that well illustrates this problem. Several years ago I went to visit friends who are believers of a different denomination. I went to their youth meetings. And often they made fun of me personally and those principles of faith that were important and sacred to me. In short, I was constantly subjected to ridicule and slight bullying. And when one day a girl asked me, “Aren’t you offended that we’re making fun of you like this?”, I sincerely told her that no, it’s not at all offensive. I even took part in these jokes and made fun of myself. Only I couldn’t understand why, after laughing a lot with them, I left with strange pain and depression in my chest. I could not understand the cause of this pain. And only then I realized how hard and painful it really was for me and how I denied this pain. Moreover, I myself believed that I experienced only positive feelings at that time.

In order for you to stop experiencing your feelings and hide from them, your body has to put in a lot of effort. This can also lead you to emotional fatigue, constant incontinence, and physical illnesses such as headaches and stomach ulcers. And ultimately, this can lead to such severe breakdowns as depression, emotional breakdown, and even the emergence of alcohol and other addictions. It is interesting to note that suppressed feelings do not disappear or go away, they continue to be stored in us. And when, for example, an alcoholic stops drinking, he suddenly begins to again experience the same feelings that he experienced and suppressed many years ago. Moreover, he experiences them with the same intensity, and sometimes even more vividly, than he experienced before.

In one book I read that a woman (Marilyn Murray) was raped in the mouth by American soldiers when she was 8 years old. And she suppressed these feelings and completely forgot about what happened to her. She was already over 40 years old, and she always thought that she grew up in a wonderful family, that she had nothing terrible in her life. And only when she got to therapy, thanks to psychologists and counselors, she began to remember what happened to her in childhood. Moreover, she experienced the fact of rape so vividly that she felt both physical and emotional pain in full force, as if she was just now being raped, although about 40 years had passed since then! When I myself began to recover and stopped engaging in my sexaholism, terrible attacks of pain began to come over me. It was sometimes unbearable - the slightest accident plunged me into such severe pain that I could hardly stand it. We will also talk to you about why this happens, why, when a person stops dealing with his addiction, so much pain comes over him and what to do about it.

Another option for unhealthy responses to unpleasant feelings is choosing unhealthy responses to cope with your feelings. When bad feelings come over you, what do you do? After all, it’s actually unpleasant to be in such a mood, with emotional pain inside. For example, when you have a toothache, what do you do? Go to the dentist, take pills, get your tooth treated (it’s good if that’s the case!).

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And when does the soul hurt? When there is a constant feeling of loneliness, pain, guilt, shame, fear, what to do? Which pill should I take? Yes, there are antidepressants, but they won't help with most emotional problems. And I don’t want to be on pills all the time. It turns out that in order to cure the soul, there are two ways - quick and long. The long one is that you need to work through childhood problems, learn to live your feelings, establish strong and sincere relationships with other people, learn trust and intimacy. This is a long job, I will tell you a lot more about it.

But there are other ways - fast and quite effective (at least at first). Most of us follow exactly this path - when it’s hard and bad, we begin to “eat” our negative feelings with sweets, drink alcohol, smoke, have sex, watch television series, use drugs, etc. This is much simpler and more effective - I drank a glass, and my mood immediately improved, all problems and negative feelings faded into the background. But this relief is only temporary, when the effect of drugs wears off (any kind, even chocolate or meeting a guy to hide from the feeling of loneliness and pain), then the feelings return, and the problems become even greater - excess weight appears, money is spent on the wrong things, scandals in the family, etc. And then we need to quickly suppress negative feelings again, and our addiction again offers us its services. This is how a person becomes dependent, precisely as a way to hide from negative feelings and problems. Hide rather than solve them in a healthy way! This also includes attempts to commit suicide, as an admission of one’s inability to cope with the feelings that overcome a person. There is no strength or desire to seek help, to walk the long and difficult path of recovery. It is much simpler and easier to just die. Easier, but not better either for the person himself or for his loved ones.

All these behaviors put us in a wheel of pain and with each new round of this pain, each new unhealthy behavior causes new problems, which in turn lead to new difficult feelings, which will lead to even more unhealthy behavior, the consequences of which will have to be dealt with. case. As a result, instead of managing our feelings, we obey our feelings, and they destroy us! I think that now you too are beginning to understand how important it is to consider and work through the problem of our feelings in order to understand how to cope with them and how to learn to be a healthy and happy person. So we will continue to gradually learn more and more about feelings and the ability to live and work with them.

Does incontinence bother you? Do emotions come up at the most inopportune moments and you can’t get rid of them? Then it’s urgently time for you to work on yourself. Have you ever wondered how to turn off your emotions? This is not very difficult to do, the main thing is to practice often.

Deal with your emotions

Don't know how to turn off emotions? Before you think about it, you should understand the reason for their appearance. Emotions are a consequence, and it will not be possible to eliminate them without knowing the cause. How to find the root of the problem that is causing so much inconvenience? Monitor your feelings carefully.

Every time a wave of feelings comes up, whether they are good or bad, notice the reason for their occurrence. It will take a long time to make such observations, at least for a month. During this period of time, you will be able to collect fairly accurate statistics regarding how you feel and in what situations. And what now needs to be done with the collected information? Apply it.

Whenever you find yourself in a situation that might cause you strong emotions, try to get ahead of them. If you say to yourself everything that will happen a second later, it may simply not happen. Feelings are controlled by the brain, and if you make a game out of the process of having them, you will soon learn to understand what you should feel, but not experience it.

Learn to go out onto the balcony

Working on yourself and controlling your feelings is very labor-intensive. How to turn off emotions and do it quickly? This method is suitable for people who can switch consciousness instantly. How to do this?

During the conversation, you need to master the skill of detaching yourself from the situation and looking at yourself from the outside. The moment you realize that emotions are rising, just step back. Do not worry and do not color what is happening or the words of the speaker. An imaginary balcony can be a salvation. To learn to control the situation, at first you will have to often be distracted from the words of your interlocutor. You need to practice the skill of detachment immediately with living people. From time to time, distract yourself from your feelings and value judgments and look at the dialogue as if from the outside. It will be difficult to concentrate on what you are saying and on your emotions, which will certainly appear in the moment. Over time, it will be much easier for you to make such leaps.

Train your imagination

Can you abstract yourself from what is happening? Some people have this ability, others do not. Even if you are deprived of it today, don’t worry, it can be developed. How to do this?

You don't take part in the conversation and it starts to irritate you? Instead of experiencing negative emotions, imagine any picture that, in your opinion, corresponds to a state of mental peace. This could be a forest landscape, a sea coast or snow-capped mountains. Take an imaginative walk in nature and don't pay too much attention to conversation. But don't go too deep into your thoughts. Some part of the mind must remain alert. If you are asked a question, you must respond. But at this moment you will already be calm and satisfied. How to turn off emotions? Don't get caught up in everything that's happening and don't worry. Take care of yourself and your nerves.

Practice meditation

And emotions? To find harmony in the soul, a person must engage in meditation. The practice, which allows any person to clear their consciousness in a split second, is one of the most useful in human life. It is not as difficult to achieve perfection in it as many people think. What should you do for this?

The first stage is focusing on breathing. Inhale deeply and then exhale slowly. At this moment, get rid of all thoughts. If this practice turns out poorly, then count your inhalations and exhalations. Can't concentrate even like that? Take the rosary in your hands. Roll the balls with your fingers in time with your breathing. With experience, you will be able to breathe calmly and relax in a minimum amount of time. Want to achieve the best results? Then combine the practice of meditation with yoga. It is better to do such exercises in specialized courses. At home, due to inexperience, you can perform the exercises incorrectly and harm your health.

Morning Pages

Are you wondering how to turn off emotions forever? Do you think this is possible? Even the most level-headed people worry from time to time and can even become depressed. How then?

You can express your emotions immediately after waking up. Such a morning ritual will allow you to remain in harmony with yourself throughout the day and not be overly emotional. How to introduce morning pages into life? Take three blank sheets of paper, sit at the table and write. About what? Write everything that comes to mind. Pour out your anger, resentment, mistrust and joy onto paper.

Your task is to write impartially, do not evaluate your own creation. There is no need to show your pages to anyone. This writing will be akin to a personal diary. But the difference will be that you write the diary consciously, and the morning scribbles should come from the heart and soul, and not from the mind. You need to write every day and all three pages. Nothing to write? Just write that you have nothing to write about. After three lines of repetition, thoughts will definitely come to mind.

Find an outlet

A person is not a robot. He cannot turn off emotions and feelings forever. How then to live? You need to be able to control your emotions and their manifestation. To avoid losing your temper in public, you need to find a hobby that will become your personal outlet. What could it be? Handmade, sports, programming, drawing, organizing events, etc. A favorite activity helps a person relax and forget about his problems for a while. A person who receives a charge of positive energy and emotions after doing his favorite work will feel great. It is simply impossible to piss off such a person or somehow undermine his calm. Happy people rarely react to even the most rude attacks in their direction.

Develop self-confidence

How to learn to turn off emotions? Train self-confidence. A person who considers himself an excellent specialist and a wonderful person will be less irritable and more objective. A self-confident person will be cool-headed. Look at any famous businessman. Its very appearance inspires calm and tranquility. A person feels a similar state within himself. A person can suppress his emotions by withdrawing from them. High self-esteem does not allow the brain to break through the psychological defenses, and it does not panic every time it hears not very pleasant things about itself or about loved ones. A person who can independently judge certain circumstances and not listen to gossip will go very far.

Why can people deliberately spoil the mood of others? Energy vampires feed on the emotions of weak-willed people. How do vampires turn off emotions? They piss you off and boost their self-esteem at your expense. Don't let anyone do this.

You can not hold back your emotions, get angry, scream, laugh, cry bitterly and be loudly indignant. Do you think anyone likes such sincerity? Only your enemies enjoy watching this performance. Learning to manage emotions!

Sometimes, succumbing to emotions or allowing ourselves to be led by false feelings, we commit actions that we later repent of. At the same time, we make excuses that we have lost control over ourselves, so emotions have prevailed over reason. That is, we did not control our emotions, but they controlled us.

Is it really that bad? Perhaps there is nothing good in the lack of self-control. People who do not know how to control themselves, maintain self-control and subordinate their feelings to their will, as a rule, do not achieve success either in their personal lives or in the professional sphere.

They do not think about tomorrow, and their expenses often far exceed their income.

Incontinent people flare up like a match during any quarrel, unable to stop in time and compromise, which earns them the reputation of a conflict person. At the same time, they also destroy their health: doctors claim that many diseases have a direct connection with such negative emotions as anger, etc. People who value their own peace and nerves prefer to avoid them.

People who are not accustomed to limiting themselves spend too much free time in empty entertainment and useless conversations. If they make promises, they themselves are not sure whether they can fulfill them. It is not surprising that no matter what field they work in, they are rarely professionals in their field. And the reason for it all is lack of self-control.

A developed sense of self-control allows you to maintain a cool head, sober thoughts and understanding in any situation that feelings may turn out to be false and lead to a dead end.

There are also situations when we need to hide our emotions in our own interests. “Sometimes I am a fox, sometimes I am a lion,” said the French commander. “The secret... is to understand when to be one and when to be another!”

People who control themselves deserve respect and enjoy authority. On the other hand, many people think they are callous, heartless, “insensitive blockheads” and...incomprehensible. Much more understandable to us are those who from time to time “go all out,” “break down,” lose control of themselves and commit unpredictable acts! Looking at them, we also seem to ourselves not so weak. Moreover, becoming restrained and strong-willed is not so easy. So we reassure ourselves that the life of people who are guided by reason and not by feelings is joyless, and therefore unhappy.

That this is not the case is evidenced by an experiment conducted by psychologists, as a result of which they came to the conclusion: people who can overcome themselves and resist momentary temptation are more successful and happy than those who are unable to cope with emotions.

The experiment is named after Michel Walter, a psychologist from Stanford University. It is also known as the “marshmallow test” because one of its main “heroes” is an ordinary marshmallow.

The experiment, conducted in the 60s of the last century, involved 653 4-year-old children. They were taken one by one into a room where one marshmallow lay in a plate on the table. Each child was told that he could eat it now, but if he waited 15 minutes, he would get another one, and then he could eat both. Michel Walter would leave the child alone for a few minutes and then return. 70% of children ate one marshmallow before he returned, and only 30 waited and received a second one. It is curious that the same percentage was observed during a similar experiment in two other countries where it was conducted.

Michel Walter followed the fate of his students and after 15 years came to the conclusion that those who at one time did not succumb to the temptation to get “everything now”, but were able to control themselves, turned out to be more learnable and successful in their chosen areas of knowledge and interests. Thus, it was concluded that the ability to self-control significantly improves a person’s quality of life.

Isaac Pintosevich, who is called the “success coach,” argues that those who have no control over themselves and their actions should forget about efficiency forever.

How to learn to manage yourself

1. Let's remember the “marshmallow test”

30% of 4-year-old children already knew how. This character trait was inherited from them “by nature,” or this skill was instilled in them by their parents.

Someone said: “Don’t raise your children, they will still be like you. Educate yourself." Indeed, we want to see our children restrained, but we ourselves throw tantrums in front of their eyes. We tell them that they must cultivate willpower, but we ourselves show weakness. We remind them to be punctual and we are late for work every morning.

Therefore, we begin to learn to control ourselves by carefully analyzing our behavior and identifying “weak spots” - where exactly we allow ourselves to “unravel.”

2. Components of control

The aforementioned Yitzhak Pintosevich believes that in order for control to be effective, it must include 3 components:

1. Be honest with yourself and have no illusions about yourself;
2. You should control yourself systematically, and not occasionally;
3. Control should be not only internal (when we control ourselves), but also external. For example, we promised to solve a problem within such and such a period. And, in order not to leave ourselves a loophole for retreat, we announce this among our colleagues. If we do not meet the stated time, we pay them a fine. The danger of losing a decent amount of money will serve as a good incentive not to be distracted by extraneous matters.

3. We write down the main goals facing us on a sheet of paper and put (or hang) it in a visible place

Every day we monitor how far we have managed to move towards their implementation.

4. Putting our financial affairs in order

We keep our loans under control, remember whether we have any debts that urgently need to be repaid, and balance debits with credits. Our emotional state is quite dependent on the state of our finances. Therefore, the less confusion and problems there are in this area, the less reason we will have to “lose our temper.”

5. Observe our reaction to events that evoke strong emotions in us and analyze whether they are worth our worries

We imagine the worst case scenario and understand that it is not as terrible as the consequences of our inadequate and thoughtless behavior.

6. We do everything the other way around

We are angry with a colleague, and we are tempted to say “a few kind words” to him. Instead, we smile welcomingly and give a compliment. If we were offended that another employee was sent to the conference instead of us, we should not be angry, but would be happy for him and wish him a happy journey.

Since the very morning we have been overcome by laziness, so we turn on the music and get down to some business. In a word, we act contrary to what our emotions tell us.

7. A famous phrase says: we cannot change our circumstances, but we can change our attitude towards them.

We are surrounded by different people, and not all of them are friendly and fair to us. We cannot be upset and indignant every time we encounter someone else's envy, anger, or rudeness. We need to come to terms with what we cannot influence.

8. The best assistant in mastering the science of self-control is meditation.

Just as physical exercise develops the body, meditation trains the mind. Through daily meditation sessions, you can learn to avoid negative emotions and not give in to passions that interfere with a sober view of circumstances and can destroy your life. With the help of meditation, a person immerses himself in a state of calm and achieves harmony with himself.

It’s normal to experience anger sometimes if you don’t push it and live it safely. To be at odds with the world, when you want to control everything everywhere, and when this does not happen - to be angry all the time - this is no longer normal. How abnormal it is not to be able to control it. Control is to let off steam in ways that are safe for everyone, leaving nothing in yourself and not dumping anything on others. How to do this?

Emotions are experienced only through the body - analysis by the brain gives nothing. Because they live in the body and exit through the body. If I think and analyze, I understand everything in my head, but it still infuriates me.

For example, you have a difficult relationship with your mother. And if you only let off steam and scream into the pillow without changing anything in your attitude towards your mother, then it is pointless. This is the same as taking painkillers when you have a toothache and not going to the doctor. Teeth need to be treated, right? And relationships need to be healed. This is primary. justify;"> We will talk most about anger, because it is not clear what to do with it and where to put it. And one way or another, in any complex interweaving of emotions, there is a lot of anger. The way out of many difficult conditions, such as feelings of guilt and resentment, occurs through anger. And by refusing to live it, we cannot move on.

But I ask you to distinguish between anger as a momentary emotion that naturally appears when something does not happen the way you wanted (this is the nature of anger), and anger as a quality of character, that is, anger. It’s normal to experience anger sometimes if you don’t push it and live it safely. To be at odds with the world, when you want to control everything everywhere, and when this does not happen - to be angry all the time - this is no longer normal. How abnormal it is to not be able to control it.

Controlling anger does not mean not feeling it or suppressing it.

Control is about letting off steam in ways that are safe for everyone, leaving nothing to yourself and not dumping anything on others. Think of anger as a natural waste product in the body, just like digested food. What happens if you consider this matter “dirty” and stop going to the toilet? Forbid yourself from doing this? What will be the outcome? Maybe our task is to create such a “toilet” for emotions – a place where we do something calmly and safely, without harming anyone?

And I ask you to avoid premature spirituality in emotions. This is when it boils and hurts inside, and we from above crush it all with the word “impossible” and delve into the reasons. Most often, this is exactly how we treat other people’s feelings, like, I’ll tell you now why your karma got it! Reasons are sought after the emotion is released. It will be much easier for you to see all this with a clear head later. First, live. Or let the person live, help him with this.

Now let's get started. I want to divide the ways of experiencing emotions into constructive and destructive. Those that are harmless and those that hurt someone.

Destructive methods:

Pouring it on other people, especially those who were “passing by.”

At work, the boss got it, but we can’t say it to his face, so we come home and it ends up with the cat who turned up under the arm, that is, under the leg, or the child who brought the “C” again. Sound familiar? And it seems that you will yell and it will become easier, but then comes a feeling of guilt - after all, the cat or the child had nothing to do with it.

Rudeness.

In the same situation, when the boss drove you crazy, but the anger remained inside, you don’t have to take this bomb home, knowing that it will explode there. And pour out your anger on the saleswoman who works slowly and makes a mistake, on those who stepped on your foot or crossed your path, and at the same time on those who are very annoying with a happy face. And also of little use. Even if there is no feeling of guilt, the negative emotions of the other person on whom all this was poured will definitely return to us one day. Again. So they go back and forth while we are rude to each other.

Trolling on the Internet

This method seems safer and with impunity. An anonymous page without an avatar, even if it has an avatar, will definitely not be found and beaten. The boss brought it up - you can go to someone’s page and write nasty things - they say, that’s how ugly! Or write nonsense! Or provoke some kind of dispute on a difficult topic, throwing mud at your opponents, poking them with a needle in different places to cause pain. But the law of karma also works here, even if the laws of the state are not yet everywhere.

Load up on sweets

Another method that, by the way, we often see in films. When a heroine's lover leaves her or cheats on her, what does she do? I have this picture before my eyes: a crying girl in bed watching a movie and eating a huge can of ice cream. The harm of such an event, I think, is clear to many.

Swear

Another way may look like this: you were rude, and you are rude in response. Your husband came and yelled at you - and you yell at him too. It seems like you are being honest. The person is the cause of your negative feelings, you need to urgently express them. But by doing so, you only fan the fire, intensify the conflict, and nothing good comes from it. A quarrel always takes out all our strength, including all hidden reserves, and after it we remain devastated and unhappy. Even if the argument was won.

hit someone

Again - children, dogs, husband, boss (you never know). Any person who is the cause of your anger or just happened to be at hand. Corporal punishment for children during a parent's emotional breakdown is very traumatic. They provoke in the child both a feeling of humiliation and reciprocal hatred, which he cannot express in any way. If you hit your husband, you might get hit back, which, unfortunately, is not uncommon. And I saw statistics that about half of women who suffered from domestic violence started a fight first, not expecting that the man would fight back. This does not justify men, but it does not honor women either.

Suppress

There is a belief that anger is bad. The more religious a woman is, the more she suppresses anger. She pretends that nothing is pissing her off, smiles tensely at everyone, and so on. Then anger has two ways out - to explode in a safe place (again, at home, on loved ones) - and she will not be able to control this. And the second option is to attack her health and body. It seems to me that it is no coincidence that today so many people die from cancer; it is a disease of unlived emotions, as many psychologists have repeatedly written about.

Breaking dishes and breaking things

On the one hand, the method is constructive. It's better to break a plate than to hit a child. And you can certainly use it sometimes. But if we destroy some things on our way, then we need to understand that then all this will need to be restored. My husband once destroyed his laptop in a rage. It was a terrible sight, and then I had to buy a new computer. This is costly, and therefore less constructive than we would like.

Slam the door

It seems to me that this method is nice to many teenagers. I remember myself like this, and in some places I already see children like this. In principle, not the worst way. Only once I slammed the door so hard that the glass broke. But nothing special.

Beat with words

You don't always need hands to hit someone. We women are good at doing this with words. Poking at painful points, making sarcastic remarks, teasing - and then pretending that we are not to blame and have nothing to do with it. The more different dirt inside us, the sharper and more caustic our tongue. I remember from myself that before, when I didn’t know where to put my feelings, I constantly teased everyone. Many people called me an “ulcer”, I couldn’t help myself. I thought it was funny.

The more I learn to experience feelings, the softer my speech becomes. And the less there are any kind of “hairpins” in it. Because it doesn’t do anyone any good. For a couple of minutes you can feed your ego and at the same time destroy relationships and earn karmic reactions.

Revenge

Often, in a fit of anger, it seems that if we take revenge and wash away the shame with the blood of the enemy, we will feel better. I know that some women, during a quarrel with their husband, have sex with someone, for example, to spite him. This is a blessed option that many consider acceptable, especially if the husband has cheated. But what's the end result? Revenge only exacerbates the conflict and increases the distance between us. Revenge comes in different forms – subtle and gross. But none of them are useful. No one.

Sex

Not the best way to release, although it is physical. Because sex is still an opportunity to show love for each other, and not to use each other as exercise equipment. Our mood during intimacy greatly affects our relationship as a whole. And casual connections with just anyone, for the sake of detente, are not only not useful, but also harmful.

Shopping

Women often go to the store feeling upset. And they buy a lot of unnecessary things there. Sometimes they even deliberately spend more money than necessary in order to take revenge on, for example, their husband. But it turns out that at this time we waste the resources that are given to us for good deeds - that is, money - at random and try to use them to harm others. What will be the result? Resources will run out. And what they were spent on will never be useful. The dress you bought in anger will absorb your condition and you will find it difficult to wear.

The list turned out to be impressive, not entirely joyful, but nevertheless, most often this is exactly what we do. Because we don’t have a culture of dealing with feelings. We were not taught this, they never talk about it anywhere - they only ask us to remove our feelings from sight. That's all.

Constructive ways to experience emotions:

Allow feelings to be.

Sometimes - and by the way, very often, to experience a feeling it is enough to see it, call it by your name and accept it. That is, at the moment of anger, say to yourself: “Yes, I’m very angry now. And that's okay." This is very difficult for all those who have been told that this is not normal (because it is inconvenient for others). It's hard to admit that you're angry right now, even though it's written all over your face. It’s hard to say that this also happens. It is sometimes difficult to understand, what kind of feeling is this? I remember in the constellations a girl whose nodules shook, her hands tensed into fists, and she called her feelings “sadness.” Learning to understand what this feeling is is a matter of practice and time. For example, you can watch yourself. At critical moments, look in the mirror to understand what is on your face, follow the signs of the body, observe the tension in the body and the signals in it.

Stomp your feet.

In traditional Indian dances, a woman stomps a lot, it is not so noticeable, because she dances barefoot. But in this way, through energetic movements, all tension is released from the body into the ground. We often laugh at Indian films where they dance from any event - good or bad - but there is a special truth in this. Experience any feelings through your body. Allowing the anger to flow through you as you vigorously release it through vigorous stomps. By the way, there are also many such movements in Russian folk dances.

You don’t have to go to the dance class right now (although why not?) Try to close your eyes and, feeling the emotion in your body, “give” it into the ground with the help of stomps. Of course, it is best to stomp while standing on the ground, and not on the tenth floor of a high-rise building. It's even better if you can do it barefoot on the grass or sand. You will physically feel how much easier it becomes.

And you don't think about what it looks like. Ideal, of course, if no one sees you or distracts you. But if there is no such place, close your eyes and stomp.

Scream.

Some trainings practice a form of cleansing such as screaming. When we scream into the floor, with a partner who helps us, we can also scream into the pillow in any other way. Usually some important word is shouted. For example, “Yes” or “No” - if it suits your emotion. You can simply shout “Aaaah!” You take a deep breath, and then open your mouth - and thus empty your heart. Do this several times until you feel empty inside.

Sometimes before this they do some kind of “pumping” - first they breathe very, very quickly, exclusively through the nose.

This technique has weaknesses. For example, neighbors and family. The scream is very loud. And if you cannot relax and not worry, then he will not heal. The scream must come from a relaxed throat, otherwise your voice may seriously break. It’s better to try this for the first time somewhere with experienced people, then the effect will be greater.

Talk it out.

Women's way. To experience any feelings, we really need to talk about it, tell someone. About how the boss offended you and someone on the bus called you names. Not so much even to receive support (which is also nice), but to pour it out of yourself. This is approximately why people go to psychologists to get everything that is eating away at their heart out of there. One friend who has been working as a psychologist for a very long time once shared that most of her clients are helped by one simple method. She listens to them, asks questions so that they describe the situation as comprehensively as possible, and that’s all. Doesn't give any recipes or advice. He just listens. And often at the end of the conversation a person comes up with a solution. Same. It was as if the veil of anger that had clouded his eyes had been lifted and he saw the way.

Women do the same with each other, speaking out. There are only two points here. You cannot tell anyone about your family life - about the problems in it. Otherwise, these problems can get worse. And if they tell you something, you shouldn’t give advice. Just listen. By the way, you can organize a circle in which women share all their emotions - and then somehow symbolically say goodbye to them (which is often done in women's groups).

Be careful not to dump all your emotions on your husband. He just can't stand it. If you speak out to your friends, first get their consent to do so. And don’t forget to share the good things too (otherwise your friend may feel like a “toilet” that is only needed to drain negative emotions). It's great if you can cry to your mom or dad, if you have a mentor who listens to you, or a husband who is ready to do this.

Any of our blocks and clamps in the body are unlived emotions. Of course, I’m not talking about light strokes, but about deep work with the body, with force. A high-quality massage that kneads these points helps us cope with emotions. In this place, the main thing - as in childbirth - is to open up to pain. They press on you somewhere, you feel pain - breathe and relax towards the pain. Tears may flow from your eyes - this is normal.

A good massage therapist will immediately see your weak points - and he will know exactly where and how to apply pressure to remove the clamp. But often it hurts so much that we stop it and don’t go further. Then the massage becomes a pleasant relaxation procedure, but does not help relieve emotions.

When you are in the current state, sometimes you want to hit someone. For example, spank your husband or child. Try at this moment to switch to the pillow - and beat it with all your heart. The main thing is not to sleep on such a pillow - let it be your sports equipment, which lies separately. You can cry into it. Or you can get yourself a punching bag and gloves. This is also an option, however, it requires free space at home.

Hit the sofa with a rolled up towel.

Many people look for the truth in smart books, in prayers or trainings, but the truth can be fully known only by looking inside yourself, knowing yourself, and accepting all your feelings: fears, pride, anger, envy...

By accepting rather than suppressing your feelings, you can discover the source of Love and Light within yourself. By learning to love ourselves, by wrapping every aspect of ourselves in a warm embrace, we can melt away all our inner fears and doubts, resentment, guilt, insecurity, self-pity, self-importance, the desire to constantly dwell in the past, and all that what was left unsaid and unfinished. These feelings destroy our peace of mind, or put blockages on the path to fulfilling our Dreams.

If we are in harmony with ourselves, we will be in the same state in relation to other people and the whole world.

On topic: What does it mean to accept yourself? The “Accepting Yourself” workshop will help you accept yourself unconditionally, and, therefore, truly forgive yourself...

Approval is as valuable to a small child as food or protection. Ultimately, if our parents, or other Adults, do not approve of us, we begin to feel ignored, if not abandoned. If a child is treated badly, he usually believes that it is only his fault, and that if he learns to be a good boy, then everything will be fine, so we learn to submit, to squeeze certain parts of ourselves in order to become “good”, in hope that then Grown-up people will begin to love us.

The trouble is that when we reach 20, 30, 40 and even 50 years old, many of us continue to behave as if we are still afraid of incurring the displeasure of Adults. We still try to be “pretty”, we continue to seek the love and approval that we remember from childhood, believing that the earth will stop if we suddenly dare to be honest and speak the truth from our hearts.

First things first, most of us learn to suppress, deny, and distort our emotions. Our emotions are our Core Self's way of creating inner balance and harmony in response to everyday life. Sadness, for example, is a natural reaction to hurt, loss and grief. Anger is a healthy response to injustice or lack of respect. Fear is a response to threat and danger.

Emotions only turn into diseases when they are suppressed

Sadly, some people have been able to use New Age philosophy to suppress so-called “negative” emotions. They do not recognize sadness, resentment, rage, fear, loneliness, vulnerability, disappointment, but hide from them under the guise of apparent cheerfulness, essentially putting on “rose-colored glasses.” But since we have chosen the path of a person, we accept it completely: with all the depth and intensity of his emotions, in other words, completely and completely.

Read also: What is enlightenment? “Find the door of your heart and you will see that it is the door to the Kingdom of God. Therefore, you need to turn inside yourself, not outside.

Emotion is like an emotion, that is, energy-movement. It is supposed to pass through us, moving us towards what we should do: cry, scream, run, laugh or jump for joy. Our emotions help us stay balanced. Watch the little girl. Her eyes quickly fill with tears, she cries, and then, literally a few seconds later, she smiles and runs to continue playing.

The emotion passed through her, caused movement, the girl expressed the feeling, and everything passed. This is supposed to be the case. This is how emotion is supposed to work.

Unfortunately, from childhood, many of us learn that emotions must be hidden. It’s completely “not good,” for example, to be angry. Crying is stupid. To be afraid is cowardly. And if you are having fun, and the joy is overflowing, this is even inconvenient. "Be good!" - we constantly hear from childhood. So, we gradually begin to learn to “be good” and not be ourselves because we want love.

What are the dangers of constantly suppressing emotions?

When we become adults, many of us can already be called specialists in suppressing our own emotions. We tense up, we try not to breathe completely.

Read also: . Breathing is the basis of life, receiving energy from space and the key to the mysteries and secrets of our body.

All kinds of pills, exhausting work and other means that we quickly get used to “help” here. Instead of flowing calmly through the body and restoring balance, emotions turn into blocked energy, which creates a whole set of all kinds of problems. When we compress our emotions, distort, replace or hide them, the energy turns into depression, self-pity, physical illness or addiction to alcohol, tobacco and other drugs.

For example, let's take anger. I used to be proud that I had absolutely no anger in me, and I don’t know what it is, but one day, a friend of mine, talking with my guardian angels, told me that one of them was teaching me to show anger and defend myself.

We sometimes misinterpret our life situations and events, thinking: we are offended so that we learn humility or patience; as I once thought. I was offended so that I could learn to respect myself. Anger is a messenger of self-respect and self-affirmation. It is a constructive force for personal and global change. It is a wonderful, powerful energy, and if allowed to flow quietly, it motivates us to action. But if we resist our own anger, telling ourselves that being angry is “not good,” “unspiritual,” or that we have no right to be angry, then the emotion begins to slowly smolder. And this happens over the course of hours, weeks, or even years.

Suppressed anger (as well as any other emotion) must, sooner or later, come to the surface. The most prominent signs of suppressed anger are: depression and/or anxiety, self-pity, blame and resentment, guilt, apathy, inertia, sarcasm, irritability, struggle and martyrdom, addiction to drugs, alcohol, work, sex, food, etc. .d.

In addition, these are accidents (as an expression of anger directed at oneself); cancer, arthritis and other diseases; violence and aggression. Violence is not an expression of pure anger. It is a symptom of rage and fear sealed in a bottle that eventually explodes. And since the world is a mirror, by noticing all the above symptoms in other people, you can thus observe your own suppressed anger!

Here is one example of how you can release your anger:

• Write a very angry letter on paper addressed to the person you are angry with. Don't hold back, write what you think from the bottom of your heart, and then burn it, or flush it down the toilet. (Resist the temptation to send it to the recipient!).
• Beat a pillow or punching bag. At the same time, breathe fully and simply “pretend” that you are angry until the emotion begins to move and comes to life on its own.
• Go for a jog, while internally screaming (if there are other people around): “I hate you!” or “How dare you!” or whatever your Inner Child wants to shout out.

Don't try to forgive someone who has hurt you or understand why you created the trauma in your life until you have dealt with your anger, resentment, and other emotions. Until we have healed our inner child, it is unlikely that you will be able to move forward, rather, you will begin to attract further unpleasant events, and they will bring your emotions to the surface.

It is important, at any stage of your development and growth, to honestly admit to yourself all your feelings and once suppressed emotions.