How to restore trust in a person. How to regain the trust of a loved one after a lie

How to regain trust

Prosperous and happy relationships between a man and a woman are built on mutual understanding, love and... trust. At the same time, it is often the last component of a happy relationship that is most important, because what else, if not trust, is hard to earn and very easy to lose.

Why is trust most important? In a relationship in which there is no love, but there is trust, life goes on as usual. A man and a woman no longer have such warm feelings for each other as at the beginning of the relationship, but they are confident that when one feels bad, the other will lend a shoulder of support. But if there is no trust in a relationship, then over time love will leave it. Moreover, if trust is lost with a strong feeling of love, this can even push a person to commit a crime. Suffice it to recall how many family crimes began with seemingly banal jealousy. In less dangerous forms, loss of trust leads a married couple to constant scandals that poison the life of each family member. Along with scandals, omissions come into family life, when a person asks a partner: “How are you?” and receives the standard “fine” in response. Moreover, this “normal” is pronounced in such a tone that the person asking the question can easily read the hidden meaning embedded in the answer - “leave me alone.” And, even if a person has hundreds of pressing problems, but does not trust his partner, he will never share his experiences with him, but he will not remain silent, but will tell his friend everything.

As you can see, a relationship without trust is no longer a relationship, but torture. People, on the one hand, who have invested a lot in each other, do not want to lose a person, however, on the other hand, such family life no longer brings any joy. Of course, trust in a relationship can be restored, but you will have to work no less for this than to create these same relationships, because the return of trust in a relationship is a kind of rebirth of it.

Before you decide what to do to restore trust in a relationship, you need to know why trust was lost. It’s just like with a disease - in order to prescribe the optimal treatment method, the causes and symptoms of the disease must be identified. So, the trust of a loved one can be lost for the following reasons:

1. Jealousy. Jealousy can be both justified and unreasonable, but this does not change its essence. Jealousy “gnaws” at a person from the inside, undermining even the most seemingly unshakable trust in a partner.

2. Treason. The fact of betrayal destroys trust like nothing else. After all, in truth, how can you trust a person who betrayed you? Fortunately, even betrayal can be forgiven and trust in a person can be restored, but the insidiousness of betrayal lies in the fact that the pain caused to a person does not disappear anywhere, and until the end of his days he will remember that he was betrayed by the person dearest to him.

3. The discrepancy between a person’s words and his actions. If a person talks about how dear his partner is to him, and all actions clearly hint at absolute indifference to the person, then sooner or later trust will be lost. Also, this discrepancy can arise when a partner makes a promise to change his behavior, but such a promise is not supported by specific actions for a long time.

4. Lack of trust at the initial stage of a relationship. It also happens that in a relationship there was no trust from the beginning, and the partners simply created the “illusion” of trust, or they simply liked relationships in which jealousy and quarrels based on jealousy predominated (there are also such “sadomasochists”). In this case, advice is unnecessary, since it is impossible to return something that never existed.

5. Deception. Regardless of the form of manifestation, deception undermines trust in a partner. Even if trust is subsequently restored, the once deceived partner will no longer believe the words the first time. In order to avoid this cause of loss of trust, many partners initially agree to always tell each other the truth, but not everyone is able to keep this promise.

6. Discrepancy between partner's expectations and real life. If a partner promises mountains of gold, happiness without boundaries and a carefree life, after which a person receives absolutely not what he expected, this greatly undermines trust in the partner and his words.

So, if for one of the above reasons the trust of a partner has been lost, the first thing to do on the way to restoring a trusting relationship is to analyze the situation. Many people mistakenly, without even really understanding the reason for the loss of trust, go to their partner and give him a “biased interrogation,” which only aggravates an already unpleasant situation. First, you should answer a few important questions for yourself:

1. Which of your actions damaged your partner’s trust in you?

2. Are you aware of the sacrifices you will have to make to earn the person’s trust again?

3. Are you ready for these sacrifices? Is the person so important to you that you would do everything in your power to win his trust again?

4. Remember a time when your partner trusted you completely. What were you like then? What actions distinguished you, and which of them are not characteristic of you now?

5. Determine the exact definition of the concept of “trust”. What meaning do you put into this concept?

Once you have analyzed the situation, consider the main mistakes to avoid when trying to regain trust, namely:

1. If you are wrong, do not try to prove your partner wrong. Of course, as many people as there are, so many opinions, and perhaps for another person your position will be quite clear, but your partner is not another person. Your partner believes that you are wrong, that you have betrayed or deceived, which means that attempts to prove otherwise will further undermine any remaining trust in you.

2. Never blame your partner for losing trust. Very often, when we lose trust, we tend to blame our partner and his shortcomings, since this is much easier than honestly admitting our guilt. This is true for both men and women equally. Thus, a man who cheated on his partner may say: “What does this have to do with me? It’s all your own fault, there was no point in letting yourself go like that.” If a woman cheated, a man may hear: “Well, why should I be faithful to you? What have you achieved in your life? But Eduard is a businessman, successful and attractive.” In this situation, a person who is, in fact, absolutely innocent is found guilty of loss of trust, because the decision to betray was made not by him, but by his partner. Such an attempt to shift responsibility onto a partner is, to say the least, an ugly act. Naturally, in some cases, attack is the best defense, but restoring trust in a relationship is not the case.

4. Enough words! If trust is lost, the partner will no longer believe the words. Now you will have to prove your intention to regain your partner’s trust through actions. We'll talk about this below.

Now that the situation of loss of trust has been analyzed and errors have been taken into account, you can proceed to the immediate return of trust. Of course, “regaining trust” sounds too simple, but in reality, it can take years to earn your partner’s trust again. However, there are tips that you can follow to speed up this process. So here are these tips:

1. Admit your guilt. If your guilt is obvious, you should admit it, because without this you will never regain your partner's trust. However, after this you should not run to your partner and throw yourself on your knees with tears in your eyes, begging you to forgive. The only thing you will achieve in this way is to “fall” in the eyes of your partner and become an object of manipulation. How? It’s simple - your partner sees that you are ready to do anything to regain his trust, after which you will begin to fulfill all your partner’s requests, believing that you are thereby regaining his trust. But that’s not the case - your partner will not forgive you, but you will gladly agree to cause you the same pain that you caused him/her. Therefore, no humiliation - respect yourself.

2. If the reason for your loss of trust is related to your regular failure to keep your promises to your partner, you should firstly talk to your partner about what happened. To begin with, you admit your guilt and say that from today your words will not diverge from your deeds. “Is that all?” - some will think. Of course not! This is only the first part on the path to regaining trust, since now you will actually keep your promise to your partner, or not make a promise at all. It is also necessary to ask your partner which of the unfulfilled promises he considers the most painful. It is best to write down the information received on paper, and then analyze what can be accomplished and in what time frame, and what promises cannot be fulfilled at the moment due to insufficient financial capabilities.

Sometimes, the correct arguments for the impossibility of fulfilling some promises are not perceived by the partner, then you should argue them again. It is very important to convey to your partner your willingness to fulfill your promises. It's even better if some of the simpler promises are fulfilled instantly. So, if you promised your partners to quit smoking, take out all the cigarettes you have and demonstratively throw them away in front of your partner. Of course, this will require extraordinary willpower from you, but you were immediately warned that to gain trust you will have to sacrifice a lot. You want to return harmony to your relationship, right? Then take action.

3. If the reason for the mistrust is justified jealousy, you will have to make a choice - either your partner or the object of your partner's jealousy. If you make a choice in favor of your partner, then once and for all you forget the coordinates of the person towards whom jealousy is directed. Do not give any more reasons for jealousy, and trust in the relationship will definitely return after a certain time. If jealousy is unfounded, you can simply talk about it with your partner, because this is, first of all, his problem, not yours. Well, if your arguments are not sufficient for your partner, then there is only one way out - to break off all contacts with the opposite sex, and be with your partner more often, it is not too late to return home, without the traditional lipstick on your shirt (for men), etc. In general, it is very difficult to live with jealous people; every day they find reasons for jealousy, most often unfounded jealousy. And, if you want to build relationships with such people, get ready to keep strict records - where you were, where you went, who you talked to, etc.

4. Don't put pressure on your partner. If you and your partner have recently had a conflict, give them some time alone. You should not immediately after a conflict run to your partner and make peace, especially if the reason for the quarrel is serious. Sometimes, if the reason for the loss of trust is not catastrophic, your partner himself will understand this and forgive you, even without your direct participation.

5. Solve your family’s issues without involving relatives. If you are responsible for the loss of trust in you, then it is extremely unwise to ask any of your relatives to talk to your partner about the problem. You started this mess - it’s up to you to sort it out. And interference in family relationships by third parties, as a rule, ends in even greater conflicts and loss of trust.

6. When the cause of loss of trust is betrayal, this is the worst option, because forgiving betrayal is extremely difficult, and for some people it is even impossible. Pain, anger, misunderstanding, disappointment, anger, bitterness - this is not the full range of all the feelings that take possession of a person after realizing betrayal. Such a person is ready to literally demolish everything in his path.

Despite the fact that women more often than men experience the bitterness of betrayal, they are less likely to lead to a break in relationships, and are able to forgive betrayal. With men, everything is much more complicated, because in this case not only his pride is hurt, but also his pride! For a man to experience betrayal means not only to be disappointed in his partner, but also to lose confidence in his masculine viability. In order to regain a man’s trust and earn his forgiveness, you should not:

A) Humiliate yourself in front of a man. We have already looked at this earlier.

B) Lose your temper, blame your partner for what happened and throw tantrums. When a man is already humiliated by betrayal, accusations against him will further push him to break off the relationship.

C) Talk about the betrayal in every detail. This will only spur the man and his imagination, after which the irritation will only intensify.

D) Ask other people to influence a man. Offended male pride may not be able to withstand pressure from the outside. Moreover, if these people are your friends, information about the betrayal will become publicly known on the same day.

D) Do not focus on children. Children extremely rarely become the reason for maintaining a family for a man, unlike a woman. In addition, this way the man will understand that they are trying to manipulate him, and he will certainly not live with you.

So what needs to be done so that a man forgives the betrayal and his trust in you returns? Firstly, do not expect quick forgiveness from a man. Treason is not deception in some “trifling” matter. It should be admitted that the betrayal was a big mistake, which you now greatly regret, and that the betrayal brought you nothing but great disappointment. Try to remember what happened as little as possible, so as not to rub salt on unhealed wounds. Conduct yourself with dignity, doing everything possible to earn your partner's forgiveness. Time, as they say, is the best healer in this situation.

7. If the reason for the loss of trust is a lie, you should explain to your partner what was the reason that made you lie, what thoughts were guiding you at that moment. From now on, always tell your partner the truth, even if this truth has a “bitter aftertaste.”

8. When your partner’s forgiveness has been received, try to return as little as possible to the memory of the situation that caused the loss of trust, allow your partner to throw out of his head the memories that hurt him. You have repented of what you did, corrected the situation, and now it is time to leave all the bad things in the past in order to be able to build a future based on mutual understanding and trust.

And one more thing to remember - if everything was resolved successfully, and you received the person’s forgiveness, having again won his trust, this is not a reason to relax. Remember that if you lose your partner's trust again, you may not earn it the second time. Therefore, from this day on, you will watch your words and actions, you will not deceive your partner, and you will take care of him. After all, earning trust can be very difficult. So maybe it’s easier not to lose him?

If there is a crack in the relationship and you feel that your significant other doubts your words and actions, it is worth thinking about what caused these doubts and How. The key to a good relationship is love, mutual understanding and trust in a couple, and if any of these factors are lost, problems will not keep you waiting. If you are not sure about your loved one, there will be constant suspicions and checks, and who among us likes to feel under constant control and feel that they doubt us? This will lead to quarrels, reproaches and scandals, which in the future can lead to a breakdown in relations. If you feel that a period has come in your couple when your partner no longer trusts you, try to analyze the reasons for the loss of trust, and, if you feel guilty about this, try to take all possible ways to regain the trust of your loved one. We will consider further what are the main reasons for doubts about one’s soulmate.

WHY IS TRUST LOST?

Trust can be compared to a very thin layer of ice on a river - the slightest pressure or wave - and it will crack into a million pieces. Also the ability to trust a person. We can say that we have forgiven, forgotten the lie or betrayal and are ready to rebuild the relationship, but trust in our partner is very difficult to restore. And even if a person forgives his loved one with his heart and tries in every possible way to let go of the offense, his mind stubbornly reminds him of the disappointment he experienced. Trust is the ability of a person to completely open up to a partner and treat him as himself, not to keep secrets and secrets, not to be afraid of appearing weak or scared in front of his chosen one.

Once, having betrayed a person’s trust, it is very difficult to regain it again, because, as the famous saying goes, you can't fix a broken vase, but we will still try in our article to find the answer to the question of how to regain the trust of a loved one. The main prerequisites for loss of trust on the part of a loved one are the following situations.

First on this list is betrayal, as the most powerful and widespread betrayal, which is the most difficult to forgive. Regaining trust after betrayal is a very difficult task, which requires a lot of effort and a lot of time, but even this does not guarantee you one hundred percent success - the psychological character of your partner is of great importance.

A situation when a person’s words differ from his actions can shake trust, because in this case, before asking a partner to fulfill a request, a person will think about whether it would be easier to do everything on his own, because then it will be one hundred percent.

There is an opinion that he who deceived once will deceive again. Before you lie to your loved one, even in an insignificant detail, think about it, because this can lead to constant doubts about your words in the future.

Don’t make false promises, remember that if you promised a person to do something, he is counting on you, and if you fail to deliver, he will be disappointed and lose trust in you.

Jealousy can also be characterized as an indicator self-doubt and in a partner. A person who considers himself self-sufficient and treats himself with respect is unlikely to show excessive jealousy. By showing that you do not trust your spouse, you cause the same attitude towards yourself, and this often becomes the reason for the loss of trust between partners.

Sometimes the reality we encounter does not meet our expectations. When we started our relationship with our loved one, we expected a beautiful life, but in reality we ended up with everyday problems and financial difficulties. This turn of events often leads to mistrust and reproaches towards each other.

Do not try to impress a person by giving a guarantee to reach certain heights without having a guarantee that this will happen. By giving false hopes and promises, you only temporarily support your image. If the relationship is long-term, then the partner will still find out that your goals are too far from real possibilities, and will stop trusting your promises.

The emergence of doubts about each other is possible not only for the reasons listed above - each couple is individual and the moment that is not paid attention to in one couple will cause a number of problems in another. Regain your loved one's trust much more difficult than losing, regardless of the reason why it happened. Some relationships are initially built without trust, which most often occurs due to the psychological characteristics of the partners and their inability to trust others.

The main problem with mistrust is that it can lead to the final separation of people even if they still love each other. It is unpleasant for any of us to feel constant doubt in our words and actions; this makes us feel guilt, which gradually turns into irritation and hostility towards a person or into imaginary submission and agreement with a partner. However, a long and strong alliance cannot be built on such a foundation; there is still a need to restore trust in the relationship.

Some people give up, get offended and choose to end the relationship. Of course, this is much easier than looking for ways and options to regain the trust of your loved one, given that this is not always feasible. But it’s still worth fighting for love, if only so that later you know that you did everything you could.

WHAT TO DO TO RESTAIN THE TRUST OF YOUR LOVED PERSON

Build a line of action in order to to regain a person's trust, is necessary depending on what caused the loss of trust. The main thing is, do not lie under any circumstances - tell everything honestly and truthfully, do not try to hide information or embellish the situation. The more honestly you describe the current circumstances, the greater the chances of regaining the trust of your loved one. Be prepared for your partner to check your words and look for evidence and confirmation.

If your partner's trust has been shaken due to deception, you should analyze whether you are ready to completely eliminate lies, omissions and secrets in the future.

Please note that people tend to deceive others, even in the most insignificant matters, this is our nature. It follows from this that at the subconscious level a person is ready to forgive deception that does not cause him any trauma, since he understands that he himself is capable of a similar act. However, forgiveness is only possible with complete openness and 100% honesty on the part of the one who broke the trust. In such a situation, even if the deception is minor or unconscious, it can put an end to the relationship, so you need to constantly monitor yourself.

If mistrust arose as a result of false promises you made, try not to guarantee in the future something that you are not completely sure will be realized. For example, if you would like to go on vacation with your significant other, but you are not sure that you will be able to take a day off from work, it is better to remain silent about your plans. And then present it as a surprise if there is still an opportunity to rest. At the same time, if things don’t work out at work, you won’t disappoint your partner, since he won’t know about your plans. If you have already made a promise, but it is not possible to fulfill it due to force majeure, there is no need to lie and come up with excuses - tell me straight out why you cannot fulfill what you promised. A loving person will always try to take your place and understand you, and if this does not happen, then perhaps you should think about the presence of love in your union.

If your chosen one turns out to be jealous, then the relationship will always be difficult. Jealous people, as a rule, do not even need reasons to create a scandal or reproach them for wrong behavior. It is almost impossible to regain the trust of a loved one who is very jealous, primarily because such people, in principle, are not able to trust the opposite sex. A man will see flirting even in the simple communication of his wife on the phone with a male colleague, and a woman, seeing that her chosen one is smiling and talking nicely when meeting a girl she knows, will be ready to start a scandal. If you fall in love with a jealous person, be prepared for the fact that you will need to inform him of all your movements, plans and meetings, you will have to limit communication with the opposite sex and appear at all events with your partner. A jealous person needs to be constantly reminded that he is loved, so do not limit the expression of your feelings and emotions - this will also help maintain harmony in the couple.

The hardest thing regain trust after betrayal, after all, having changed, we exchanged the one who was nearby for a completely stranger. If deception, false promises and jealousy only break the thin line of trust, then betrayal completely destroys it. It should be remembered that it is always worth trying to restore trust after betrayal, but there is a certain type of people who, despite their love and reluctance to part, will not be able to forgive such a betrayal.

HOW TO RESTAIN THE TRUST OF YOUR LOVED PERSON AFTER CHEATING

When feelings just begin, and then grow stronger and develop into true love, it seems that there will be no other way, and this is how you will go through the rest of your life, hand in hand. But, unfortunately, none of us can know what will happen tomorrow or in a week, a year. Sometimes situations arise that turn our entire previous perception of reality upside down, and then we tend to make mistakes and get confused - after all, we were not prepared for this. It is in such cases that a person tends to give in to his desires and weaknesses, a craving for extreme sports and adrenaline arises, he wants to radically change his life, and the established way of life looks boring and monotonous. Such a moral attitude often leads to betrayal, which a person almost always later regrets. However, not every partner is able to understand, forgive and continue the relationship after learning about their partner’s betrayal; many become enraged, succumb to emotions, and, at the same time feeling pain and fear of loss, still take the decisive step and end the relationship with the traitor.

Regain your loved one's trust, if you cheated on him it is always very difficult. Women experience betrayal a little easier, because at the subconscious level, the woman accepts the idea that the man will go on the side. She is psychologically prepared for this and each, depending on her character, has developed a different line of behavior in such a situation. There are women who have decided for themselves to never forgive infidelity and immediately put an end to the relationship, if it occurs. However, most women are still inclined to forgive betrayal, but on the condition that they really feel their partner’s remorse. Of course, you won’t be able to receive forgiveness right away, there will be resentment, a feeling of pain and a feeling that you have been betrayed, but if a man behaves correctly in the current situation and tries in every possible way to regain the trust of his loved one, he has a great chance of reconciliation.

With men in such a situation it is much more difficult, because by his nature he is an owner and does not even allow the thought that his chosen one can exchange him for another man. Cheating on a woman not only angers, upsets and insults the dignity of the partner, but also makes him doubt his worth and masculinity. The first thing that comes to a man’s mind is that since the woman acquired another partner, it means that he himself was not sufficiently satisfactory for her. This will be a blow to your self-esteem and self-confidence. The next thing that makes you furious is that a stranger has taken what is his property, so men always try to deal with their rivals. For the most part, this happens not so much because of the woman, but because someone has encroached on what belongs only to him, the only man, thereby showing disrespect for his person.

If you want to regain the trust of your loved one and resurrect his feelings for you after betrayal, you will have to work hard. First, remember, if a man really loved you, then this feeling could not disappear in a few days. Now he is suppressed by negative emotions, anger and offended pride, but deep down in his soul the man still has feelings for you, the main thing is to correctly and tactfully lead him to this thought and remind him of it. Here the situation depends one hundred percent on the woman - whether she can behave correctly, say the right words at the right time or respond with the right action. There are a number of mistakes that a woman can make lose your chosen one forever in such situation. Let's look at these errors.

1. After you have been caught cheating, you should not wring your hands, fall to your knees and bang your head on the floor - such scenes only act as irritants on a man. A woman should always remain beautiful, worthy and proud, and the one who crawls on the floor, begging for forgiveness, only causes disgust in men. Even if you cry heartily and talk about how you can’t live without your chosen one, he will most likely perceive this as a manifestation of duplicity and acting abilities. No matter how bad you feel, maintain your dignity and do not humiliate yourself, such behavior always earns respect from men, since they respect strength in principle.

2. Women are very emotional by nature, and often when emotions are overwhelming and they have no arguments to defend themselves, the principle begins to operate: “ The best defense is offense" In this case, a woman can say a lot of unnecessary things and blame the man for her betrayal, which in turn is unacceptable for a partner who is already on edge, feels betrayed and insulted. The woman begins to accuse the man of not paying enough attention to her, not being interested in her life, not perceiving her as a woman, and much more, thus trying to justify her action. However, do not forget that with such statements you will only achieve an even greater scandal and ultimately lose the opportunity to regain the trust of your loved one.

3. No matter how much your partner asks you to describe your betrayal in detail, do not give in to provocation. First, imagine yourself in his place - would you be pleased to listen to the details of your companion’s betrayal? If you tell in all the nuances how you cheated on your man, in the future he will constantly play these scenes in front of his eyes, which is why he will be in a state of aggression, rage and resentment. Of course, you cannot avoid talking about this event, but try to tell it in a nutshell and steer the conversation away from the topic of details. If your loved one, when he sees you, immediately imagines how you are cheating on him, then your relationship cannot have a future. Try to present the information as uninterestingly and grayly as possible, so that it does not remain in the man’s memory; let him only remember that there was such a precedent, but nothing more.

4. Never involve strangers in solving your problems; as they say, don’t wash your dirty laundry in public. If you complain to your entire family about how much you regret your mistake and how difficult it is for you without your loved one, then everyone will immediately begin to persuade the man to forgive you, give him advice and bring stories from life. Under such pressure, a man is more likely to simply run away, but will not succumb to persuasion, if only because he is used to making decisions himself, especially in his personal life. Another unacceptable option is to tell your friends about everything and ask for advice or help. Don’t forget how many cases history knows when it was a friend who was to blame for quarrels and breakups. In addition, even wishing you well, a stranger can greatly complicate the situation, because he does not know the characteristics of your man’s character and the nuances of the situation. And, of course, it will be unpleasant for your man if people whisper behind his back and gossip about your personal problems circulates among all your mutual acquaintances. Such an environment will only reduce the chance of regaining the trust of your loved one and restoring harmony in the relationship.

5. A common mistake is to tie a man with children, if any. If your husband has already decided that he cannot forgive you for cheating and wants to break off the relationship, do not try to stop him with the phrase: “Stay for the sake of the children.” Even if he doesn't leave, it won't be the same relationship as before. Firstly, the man will believe that you are blackmailing him, and in the future he may hate you for it. Secondly, he will stay for the sake of the children, and not for the sake of you, therefore, he has the right to his personal life and relationships with other women. Think about it, do you need such a family?

If you want to regain your loved one's trust and previous feelings after cheating on him, you should choose a wait-and-see attitude. Repeat to the man that the betrayal was a mistake, that we are all human and are capable of succumbing to weakness and losing control of the situation, that you regret what happened and do not experience anything else. As they say, water wears away stones; over time, emotions will subside and reason and logic will emerge. A person will think that the past cannot be changed, but what is done is done and he has two options for solving the problem - leave or stay.

You, in turn, try not to constantly accuse yourself of cheating, and also come to terms with the fact that the past cannot be brought back. You made a mistake, apologized and repented, and then live as before and wait until your man makes his final decision.

In conclusion, it must be emphasized that confidence is the most fragile component of a relationship, so instead of wondering how to regain the trust of your loved one, it is better to think about how not to lose it in the first place.

Recently I was asked how to regain the trust of a loved one. I was about to answer... and thought about it.

The very formulation of the question - “regain trust” - is questionable. Trust is not something that is given, taken or returned. This is the property of contact between two people, and it is born in the process of communication. If a person trusts a stranger from the very beginning, then there is something wrong with the way he interacts with the environment. The new and unknown carries a threat, and it is reasonable to take a closer look first. Trust can be issued “on credit”, but in such cases they usually risk something that they are not afraid to lose.

A common context for conversations about lost trust is relationships between friends and lovers. In such relationships, there are a number of unspoken agreements: to be faithful, to keep your word, not to harm a friend or loved one. But, in addition to universal principles, unspoken requirements can be unique - and very peculiar.

One girl, speaking of her boyfriend's "betrayal of trust," pointed out that he danced with someone else as an example of betrayal. But no one told him that he signed an agreement “to dance only with his girlfriend.” There are many such cases, so it makes sense to clarify: does the partner know about the expectations that he is required to meet?

But let’s dwell on the most common cases of “betrayed trust” in a couple’s relationship: betrayal, lies, failure to keep promises. How to regain your partner’s trust if we are talking about a mistake, and not a consistent break in the relationship?

Forgiveness does not fix the situation. It does not undo the pain caused and does not restore trust.

The wrong way is to try to achieve forgiveness. In this scenario there are two roles: the criminal and the judge, also known as the prosecutor. The criminal has already been convicted and can only bribe the judge to reduce or cancel the sentence. Likewise, a partner who “atones for guilt” is essentially trying to bribe the other. In this situation, there is a lot of latent anger on the part of the guilty and open anger on the part of the one from whom they are trying to achieve forgiveness.

But forgiveness does not fix the situation. It does not undo the pain caused or restore trust. Nor will it be possible to “earn trust again.” Here again there are two unbalanced roles: the applicant for mercy and the one who condescendingly evaluates his efforts. “You’re not trying hard enough!” - an advantageous position that allows you to squeeze as much as possible out of the current situation.

Trust cannot be restored if only one is involved and the other is in the role of judge or enthroned ruler. On the part of the “deceived” there is a wave of sadistic aggression, a desire to trample the one who stumbled. On the part of the “traitor” there is anger, growing as attempts to regain trust fail one after another.

In this situation, forgiveness or “newly earned trust” is a fiction, and it becomes obvious when the offender is reminded of his past sins, knowing exactly where his pain point is. The feeling of one’s own “innocence” and the “sinfulness” of another destroys any relationship and nullifies any dialogue.

Restoring trust is a mutual process. If both partners strive to restore it, then this is possible. Not “how to regain your trust”, but “what should we do with our relationships in which trust has been lost.” And what is important here is a quality that arises only with mutual movement towards each other: sincerity.

Genuine contact, manifested in dialogue, in the willingness to change one’s point of view, has healing power.

It is possible to sincerely talk about your pain from causing suffering to a loved one only when the opposite person is not a judge or a ruler, but an equally suffering person. Openness to someone else's experience allows you to feel their sincerity, and avoiding the conversation into accusations or self-flagellation blocks sensitivity.

Trust cannot be earned, it can only be born again: through the contact of two open, naked consciousnesses, when you feel - there is no subtext, there is no second bottom behind this experience. This can only be felt with the heart, but with the head you can “forgive” as much as you like.

What's next? Talk about your relationships, about explicit and implicit agreements in them, about what can be changed. Contact between two people has healing power - genuine contact, manifested in dialogue, in the willingness to change your point of view, and not to convince your interlocutor or force him to do what you want.

Restoring trust in a family where betrayal has occurred is a complex and often long process. In order to bring yourself closer to the desired result, you need to make a decision about your behavior not with your friends, drinking wine out of bitterness, and not after another squabble with your husband. The best thing in this situation is a clear head, the most neutral emotions and advice from a specialist.

Advice on how to restore trust in your family psychologist and body-oriented wellness therapist Elena Shubina.

What should you think about after cheating?

Before taking action and starting to live an “ordinary life,” or rather, restoring an ordinary life, Elena Shubina suggests answering 3 questions honestly, no matter how painful and difficult it may be:

1. Will I be able to forgive and live with this person as before, without claims, accusations, reminders and fear that everything will happen again?
2. Will he be able to come back and love me as before, and maybe even stronger, will he be able to do everything so that I trust him again and can trust myself?
3. Do the two of us have the strength and desire to get through these trials and make our family stronger than we found it?

The expert warns: “If the answer to these questions is: “no, I’m not sure, partially,” then know that it may well happen that you will not be able to save your family, and then it is better not to waste time, but to try your luck with someone else " In this case, the question of returning trust no longer exists.

What should a woman do to restore trust?

Regaining trust is complex internal work, and it is difficult to do alone if the situation directly depends on another person, in this case, your husband. Even if you are a strong-willed woman and make a categorical decision “To have a family!”, it is unlikely that at one moment your mood will change dramatically without the special efforts of your husband.

Therefore, the most important rule is the very first thing you can do to regain trust in a man:

1. Don't force yourself!

When you forgive, you promise yourself to never remember again. about treason , do not reproach your husband, etc. But until trust is restored, do not force him to behave as before. Don't force yourself to forgive and start trusting at the same time. It won’t work out anyway, you’ve been through too much emotional stress.

Also, don't rush yourself, give yourself as much time as you need. A process like forgiveness is very difficult to fit into a time frame. The options “in a month,” “before lunch,” or “by next Monday” still won’t work. The opposite behavior can lead not only to a deterioration in your mental state, but also to illness.

The psychologist warns: “If you convince yourself that you have already forgotten and forgiven everything, and can already trust, when all your communication still says otherwise, you will drive yourself into neurosis (this is in the best case), otherwise you will “earn” the disease. Tell yourself: “I will do everything so that the ability to trust comes to me in a timely manner. I'll give myself and him time. It won't be a big deal if I keep an eye on him for now. It’s better than rushing and feeling cheated again.”

2. Set a deadline for checking and agree on this with your husband

Without forcing yourself to “forgive until the New Year,” you can easily set a very specific period during which you will look closely at your husband. During this period, a number of agreements may be in effect at your home that will help you understand, forgive, or definitely decide that you cannot do this.

“Agree that you will check on him for a while. I know men who let their wives look into their cell phones and gave them their email passwords just so they could forgive and forget as quickly as possible. “All this means nothing, if he wants to hide something, he will hide it anyway,” - of course, you will say... This is both true and not true.

Most people are still not so cynical as to purposefully create other accounts, codes, addresses and passwords for these purposes (this is partly why they get caught cheating). And the right to check, given voluntarily and with good intentions, is indeed more than beneficial for relationships. And by the way, usually after it you don’t want to check on anyone at all,” the psychologist suggests.

Also, ask your husband to be more attentive to you, ask him to give you more information and explain his behavior if something new happens. For example, if earlier you knew for sure that on Wednesdays he was late because he was playing bowling with friends, now this bowling can develop in your eyes into much more colorful pictures. Ask him to call and warn you, the “default” or “you already know” option no longer works.

Important! Remember that being able to check and checking are two different things. Don’t turn into a paranoid detective, in such conditions your husband, even if he really decided to change, will not last long, and your nerves will give out from constant tension. Manage to get out of the state of checking in time, because after you forgive, your husband’s personal space should return.

3. Develop a culture of conversation in the family

Suspicions and omissions do not make a family happy. Probably everyone knows the “snowball” effect, when small understatements and unspoken grievances accumulate and, over time, bury all the good things that exist in your family. Now you not only shouldn’t allow yourself to behave like this, you shouldn’t!

Now that trust in your couple seriously shaken, you cannot allow yourself to quietly doubt, so prepare your husband for the fact that during this difficult period you will ask many more questions than before.

This is what the psychologist advises: “Tell your husband about your feelings and suspicions right away. The fact is that sometimes we ourselves do not realize to what extent we do not understand our partners. For example, you walked up to him and stood behind him, and he immediately slammed his diary shut. Say right away that this caused you a storm of feelings and suspicions. Almost certainly he will open the page for you, and you will see that there is nothing on it, and he has the habit of closing documents from his army past, you just didn’t pay attention to it before...”

4. Fix what led to the cheating

As we know, there is no smoke without fire. And in any betrayal there is the fault of the other partner. Think about what the man was missing? And even if his demands are unreasonable, as you think, try to give it to him. After all, if this lack led to betrayal, then it was very important for him. And this applies to all betrayals, even those that seem to happen by accident.

Show him again the woman he fell in love with, the one he didn’t want to cheat on. Try to start with yourself and you will see the changes.

5. Develop willpower

Few people believe that willpower can be an assistant in this matter. After all, you can’t force yourself to trust on command and, gritting your teeth, say to yourself: “From now on, I trust him again.” But you can and should really want to bring peace back into the family.

Psychologists say that you can program yourself to take a certain step, and this internal attitude will help you move on. By itself, of course, it will not change anything, but it will be the basis for your daily behavior, which, in fact, shapes the reality in your family.

3 rules for men

In fact, this section should be central to this article, because it is the man's behavior that will determine whether you can regain trust in him and how quickly you can do it.

But is there a chance that a man will see everything written below? Of course, you can show him or tell him. Or you can just know it yourself, because this is also important. The main problem after betrayal is that no one knows exactly how to behave, there is no model of behavior, how it should be, what is natural, what is not, what can be demanded, what is necessary and what is not.

“Everyone does it” is, of course, a dubious kind of argument, but when there is nothing else, it is difficult to find other support. We offer you the opinion of a psychologist on how a man should behave and what to be prepared for in order to restore the family after his betrayal.

Because there is no knowledge, we can do things that will only ruin everything. Below we provide a list of myths and main mistakes that a woman can make when trying to suppress her resentment and force herself to trust her husband. And also parting words for a man - a model of behavior that should be adopted in order to restore trust in the family.

1. “We are adults”

Any problem, especially something as serious as betrayal, and the restoration of trust in the family after it, makes us psychologically older and forces us to look for more mature and wise solutions. Therefore, a woman who has made the decision to forgive and restore trust in the couple again tries to behave very wisely, calmly, and tries to be silent and endure , and alone he cries into his pillow.

How to behave as a man

A woman who has lost trust is like an offended child. She is capricious, suspicious, touchy, withdrawn and vulnerable. And anything can seem to her. And this is normal and natural! By cheating, you hurt her pride, and now she is trying with all her might to get it back. So if you really want this woman, be very patient...

How to regain trust in a man if he cheated

First of all, give her the right to know everything she wants about you and your life, including passwords and accounts. You may think that this is too revealing and will cause you some discomfort. It wasn’t like this before, of course, but YOU lost the woman’s trust, this is your fault and therefore you need to make concessions.

2. “Not a word about treason”

There is an opinion that to forgive means to forget. This means that you can’t not only talk about treason, but also think about it. But this only applies to the period when thoughts and emotions are already amenable to at least some control.

Without knowing this, some women torment themselves with thoughts about who this woman was, how it all happened and why. They torture themselves, thereby driving them into neurosis, but still do not allow themselves to talk about it.

How to behave as a man

Very often, a woman who has been cheated on is interested in details, sometimes very intimate, about how and why, with whom, and in what setting it happened. This is completely irrational and will probably make you surprised and even angry. And often a woman keeps silent about her desire.

But despite everything, it is very natural. The woman really needs this information and you would be wise to give it to her. The fact is that thanks to this information, a woman determines her self-esteem and experiences everything that happened to the end.

It will never even occur to you through what millstones she grinds this information, what “strange” conclusions she can draw, and all in order to, in the end, let go. For example, having learned that a girl is young, you can convince yourself that due to her youth she is naive and stupid, while you might assume that your wife will worry about her no longer very young years. ..

In other words, it defies logic, but you will do a good deed if you answer her questions.

3. “Nothing will be the same as before”

Cheating changes everything forever. Trying to regain lost trust, spouses often cross out, along with the bad, all the good that happened. And when building a so-called “new relationship,” many for some reason believe that romantic events during this period will be awkward and unnatural, something like a feast during the plague. Therefore, everyone lives an ordinary life, trying to restore peace, forgetting that trust alone will not increase happiness.

How to behave as a man

It is very important for every woman who has been cheated on that some kind of ritual occurs that would show her that the old has passed and a new stage of her life has begun. But for some reason men are afraid to do this, because “it’s somehow not the right time.”

For additional comment we contacted Olga Volodarskaya, author of highly social detective stories. Here is her opinion: “It is impossible to regain trust in a man if he has cheated. And it's not worth it. You can forgive betrayal, you can come to terms with it, you can find an excuse for it, you can even pretend that it didn’t happen at all, but... you won’t be able to trust a man who exchanged you for another, no matter how hard you try.

He's late at work, and you think he's with her. Or on the other. After all, he cheated on you once, which means maybe a second, a third. And, in principle, in ten cases out of a hundred this will be the case. I have a friend who constantly forgives her husband for cheating. During several years. And it would be fine if she just turned a blind eye to them. But no, he sincerely believes that this was the last time. Needless to say, everything repeats itself again and again.

And when she finds out about husband's infidelity (and why are some men so careless?), then she cries from humiliation and resentment. After all, he was so sincere in his repentance, and she believed him. Everyone tells her: “Leave him.” And she hopes that he will change.

I don't give her advice. Let her decide for herself. But, it seems to me, you need to either live with the idea that betrayal is not a betrayal at all, but a mere trifle, or get a divorce.”

What is your opinion?

Lyubov SHCHEGOLKOVA

Start by assessing the relationship. Of course, it's very sad to see the end of any relationship - be it a friend or a loved one - but sometimes cheating is a wake-up call and a sign that there are many more fish in the sea. By looking at the relationship as a whole, you can decide whether you want to restore trust in the person or whether you need to move on.

• What kind of relationship did you have before this incident? Did you have fun and did you laugh often? Maybe you feel like it was constant hard work and you did most, if not all, of it.
• Did you feel listened to? Was your word as important as that person's word? Was your communication free and open or closed and constrained?
• Do you feel like you could count on this person?
• Was this relationship balanced? Or was everything one-sided and not in your favor?
• Perhaps this betrayal was part of the person's character, or have you seen this coming before? Have you heard stories about this person involving breaking trust with friends or loved ones?

Think about why you were in this relationship. This is another important exercise in self-discovery—trying to move on from the past before deciding to trust the person who betrayed you. Ultimately, if you are looking for the right things where there are none, it is better to end the relationship with this person and find someone else. These are tough measures, but they work.

• Are you in a relationship because you need someone to feel complete? This could be a problem. Asking someone to become one with you is an almost impossible task. Only you can do this. If you're in a relationship because you want to feel "whole," you need to take a little break from dating.
• Are you looking for trouble for yourself? Do you always meet the same people - those who ultimately hurt you in an enchanting and theatrical way? You may subconsciously want to be hurt because you don't think you deserve better. But that's not true. Work on your self-respect and self-esteem, and avoid people who are habitual of hurting you.

Rate your relationship. Sure, judging something sounds callous, but it's an effective and honest way to evaluate whether that person meets your needs. Plus, we deserve the perfect relationship, so make sure that's what you get.

• Identify 3-5 things that you value most in a relationship. For some people, laughter and emotional support will be at the top of that list. Others say intellectual stimulation is a priority.
• Use a classification system to determine whether this person truly meets your needs and is compatible with your values. For example, if a person shares all your values ​​and fits all your needs perfectly, but has committed betrayal, then giving him a second chance may make sense. On the other hand, if the person doesn't share any of your values ​​but is generally good, betrayal may mean it's time for you to move on.

Analyze the betrayal yourself. In fact, some people do not deserve your trust. But sometimes a mistake hurts because it reminds us of a previous wound. And betrayal that is calculated or born from malicious intent is a clear sign that this person cannot be trusted. But mistakes that occur by chance and are not due to character may deserve forgiveness. Consider the following example:

• Was it intentional deception, such as cheating on a spouse, malicious gossip, or harm by an employee?
• Was it an accident: did someone break your car or give away a secret?
• Was this a one-time oversight, or does the incident represent a long-standing pattern of behavior?
• Consider the circumstances: is your friend or loved one going through some kind of painful period and could this play a role in the resentment?

• Light Betrayal can include blurting out someone else's secret, white lies (lies told to avoid hurting your feelings, as opposed to lies to deceive), and compliments to your partner that may seem flirtatious. They tend to be random and one-off. As a rule, if you express your opinion on this matter, they will immediately and sincerely apologize for these offenses and promise to be more considerate in the future.
• Moderate Betrayal includes gossip about you, regularly borrowing money without repaying the debt, and constant disrespect. Such actions reflect thoughtlessness and selfishness. It will be difficult to have a conversation with someone who is indifferent to your feelings, but sometimes people just notice what they are doing. Such behavioral deficiencies can sometimes be discussed and resolved.
• Heavy betrayal is the theft of a significant amount of money, infidelity, spreading harmful gossip or lies, sabotaging you at work or in some other activity. These are deliberate betrayals; the perpetrator is aware of the offense he is causing and does it anyway. In such situations, you may need to seek professional help to save the relationship, unless, of course, you decide to forgive the offender.