How to deal with resentment. Psychology of resentment: coping with negative emotions

Resentment is the feeling we experience when we feel we have been treated unfairly. As a rule, such situations can be viewed from several points of view. For example, the director fired an employee who was rude to several clients. From the director's point of view, the punishment is deserved. But the employee will most likely think differently, because his wife is sick, and his son has serious problems at school, in addition, there is not enough money, i.e. there are enough reasons to be irritable.

Thus, resentment arises when an adult (teacher, director, parent) and a child (who is not responsible for himself) come into contact. For example, a child wants a puppy, but the parent does not satisfy this desire.

Taking into account the fact that inside each of us there is a child, overflowing with different desires, needs, ideas, any inability to realize them will result in resentment towards life, the people around us, God, and fate.

There are a lot of “offensive” things in life. First, the child leaves the cozy and safe mother's womb and finds himself in a noisy, dangerous world. Then his mother's breast is taken away from him and he is sent to a kindergarten where there is no mother. So we all have to go through a lot of trauma. And if at an early age the parents were affectionate, attentive, patient with the child, but at the same time firm, then in the future it will be much easier for the person to experience new grievances.

How to stop being offended?

1. Admit that you are offended. Denying a grudge will not get rid of it. The result may be physical illness (psychosomatic disorder). And systematic neglect will lead to chronic diseases.

2. Analyze the situation. Break the situation down and look at it from different points of view. You need to understand what exactly offended you. For example, returning to the above situation, the director did not take into account the difficult circumstances of the offending employee.

3. Be a good parent to yourself. Sympathize, console yourself, allow yourself to get angry, cry. You need to “digest” the insult.

4. Having come to terms with the real situation, think about what to do next.

Unfortunately, sometimes grievances are too persistent, and no techniques can help. Or offensive situations arise so often that they are impossible to cope with. This is usually due to the fact that in childhood the person did not receive enough help when it came to coping with emotions. Therefore, it is more difficult for an offended person to seek help from a psychotherapist. Hold on to the adult inside you and take the offended child inside to an appointment.

Resentment can strike at the most inopportune moment, because this condition is difficult to predict. Knowing how to cope with resentment will help prevent the serious consequences of this condition: psychosomatic illnesses, destruction of social contacts, family breakdown in the event of resentment within a relationship. Pride, which becomes a springboard for resentment, is not for nothing considered a serious sin. After all, it is precisely this that leads to high sensitivity.

If a person cannot forgive the offender, his soul is destroyed, balance and calmness leave the body, his whole life comes down to replaying negative thoughts or the desire to take revenge on the offender. If an unpleasant state constantly washes away the soul, then a person develops dissatisfaction with life, his personality changes for the worse. But there are quite a lot of methods on how to survive an insult. They are effective for restoring mutual understanding between a man and a woman, and for solving all problems between colleagues or friends.

Are all people equally touchy?

Statistics from psychological surveys show that all people are offended in one way or another. But some of them are able to carry resentment and anger for decades, while others forget even the most severe betrayals within a month. This happens due to special vulnerabilities in the psyche and consciousness. The so-called “pain points” arise from complexes, childhood experiences, and some unpleasant experiences. For example, calling a girl who spent 5 years losing weight from 120 kg to 60 fat (even as a joke) can seriously offend her. After all, she had a difficult struggle with weight in the past.

How to get rid of resentment

A person who is offended by everything and everyone must evaluate the situation: do they really want to offend him? Often people are not even aware that they are causing pain. And the second question to ask yourself is: am I really offended? It happens that such a condition is instilled in childhood, and then works throughout life: at the age of up to 5 years, after an insult, the mother felt sorry for the baby, gave sweets, and encouraged him in every possible way. This is how he is used to behaving. Yoga or meditation can help such a touchy person. The same method is suitable for those who are looking for a way to survive an insult that has noticeably shaken your condition.

Basic Steps

And the first place to start is to acknowledge that you are feeling pain. And then you need to get rid of unpleasant memories. Stop obsessing over them and feeling sorry for yourself the moment you realize how badly you were treated. You should pay attention to the following psychological techniques:

1. As soon as you feel a surge of negative emotions, you should understand that apart from pain and harm, this will not give anything to your body.
2. If the offender does not suspect that he has inflicted a mental wound on you, you need to talk to him frankly. If this is a friend or comrade, talk in a comfortable place and dot the i’s.
3. Remember that we often tend to be offended by the truth. If you feel these emotions, evaluate the situation, what sore spot was touched, and what can be done to protect it. Or improve yourself. If there really is a fact that made you offended, thank the person for saying it straight to his face - such an act is worthy of respect.
4. If you are offended by a person who has been exhibiting behavior for a long time, try to understand him. Often this behavior is typical of people experiencing enormous problems in life. Maybe he needs sympathy or even help. You definitely shouldn’t be offended by this.
5. If you are offended by a stranger, especially someone you will never see again, try to let go and forget about the offense.
6. If you are offended by someone who did not live up to expectations, understand that you need to talk to the person. He can't read minds, and if you're waiting for something, just tell him about it.
7. If coping with grievances through self-reflection is difficult, use a pillow or other object that can be hit. And beat him heartily, call him names, scream, break him. Letting out aggression is a great way to get rid of negativity. It will prevent the accumulation of unpleasant energy within the soul.

In some cases, an offended person cannot by any means get rid of the oppressive state. Then you can turn to NLP techniques; ideally, this should be a specialist, and not a home practice.

Recording Negative Emotions

Another way to deal with resentment is to write it out. On a simple piece of paper, the offended person writes all the reasons for his negative emotions until the moment there is verbal emptiness. When the piece of paper contains everything for which you cannot forgive the person, tear the paper. Or burn it. You can use a more sophisticated method - burn it and drown it in the toilet.

Usually a person is so deeply offended by someone with whom he is (was) in a close relationship. And there are two people to blame here. Then you need to write another message with the words “Forgive me for...” and “I am to blame for...”. And a letter of gratitude will complete the processing of the negative state. After all, there are positive sides to every relationship. You can understand whether the method worked or not: if, when remembering the situation, quiet sadness and gratitude arise, then the resentment has passed.

Family grievances

Things are different when lovers or husband and wife quarrel. Often couples do not know how to talk openly with each other, which is where various grievances arise. A good scandal at home with a statement about cleanliness once a month is a good prevention of negativity. But if they occur every day, then something needs to be done:

1. You cannot remember grievances that have already been dealt with.
2. You should not involve other relatives in the scandal, do not mention them.
3. You should not talk about divorce during an argument.
4. There is no need to talk about other men or women, compare with “former” ones.
5. Don't make empty promises. It is important to show that words have value, and if you said “I’ll go to my mother,” then do it, even for a day.
6. You should not spoil material assets. The ardor will subside, and repairing or buying new equipment or jewelry will cost a pretty penny and provoke new grievances.
7. A great way to combat negativity is to sleep together. No matter how hard you have a fight with your loved one.

Video: Lecture by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky “How to get rid of feelings of resentment?”

It can be difficult to get rid of resentment; you should not count on time to wash everything away. To do this, you need to connect certain forces and work on yourself. The simplest methods - recording, working through sensations - will help with minor shocks. In severe cases, when resentment develops into obsession, it is necessary to consult a specialist.

Resentment is grief, a strong negative emotion that causes distress. What offends people? This could be the expectation of praise, admiration and delight for your efforts. You expected to surprise everyone with something, but no one noticed your efforts. This could be a situation where one bad person called you fat. Although you yourself are sure that you are just plump. Despite the fact that you didn’t try to convince anyone of your slimness, the unexpected attack caused offense.

As a rule, resentment is associated with a discrepancy between what you think about yourself or something related to you - your manners, hairstyle, work results - and how others judge it. And if you find unflattering reviews unfounded, it hurts.

Coping with resentment and the anger associated with it is not so difficult

1. Situation analysis

Correct analysis of the situation helps to cope with resentment. If analysis is not carried out, the offense will cause negative emotions for a long time. And ultimately it can give rise to self-doubt.

A great way to understand the situation on your own is to try to mentally or out loud tell yourself about the offense. As the presentation progresses, the reasons and extent of the offense become much clearer. And therefore, in some cases, everything falls into place. The offense passes quickly and you don’t have to worry for a long time.

2. Make a profit out of a grudge

When analyzing an offense, it is worth assuming that the offender is right. Especially if the person who offended was not an ignoramus, but just an ignoramus. That is, we must assume that the offender turned out to be the same boy who first exclaimed: “But the king is naked!”

The good thing in this situation is that there is a reason to take a closer look at your beliefs and principles that were affected. It may be worth discussing the situation with a loved one. And if there is confirmation of the offender’s words, it is worth taking advantage of it. And adjust something in your behavior or life.

3. Wait for time and don’t start fighting with resentment and anger

Members of the Reichsheer (German military during the First World War) were punished if they succumbed to emotions and resentment caused, in their opinion, by injustice on the part of their superiors, and submitted a report on the incident to their superiors on the same day. According to the approved regulations, it was necessary to wait three days. And only after that sit down to report. What is not a way to cope with resentment and anger?

4. Learn not to expect gratitude

Resentment, frustration or anger can be caused by a lack of gratitude for a particular service provided. In this case, learning to cope with resentment is simply not expecting gratitude. Understanding that the relationship “you - to me, I - to you” smacks of childishness.

5. Does the offender deserve your resentment?

In some cases, it helps to cope with resentment by understanding the fact that the offender often does not even think about the fact that he has offended someone. And you worry and struggle with anger. It's time to ask yourself - is your offender really worth such long-term attention, even mental?

6. “No one would kick a dead dog.”

In some cases, an aggressive attack that caused your offense is a hidden recognition of your merits. So that's what it's all about. And therefore you need to rejoice, because you represent something to others. Don't fight anger.

7. Do not give in to provocations, do not be offended or angry

The best way to deal with resentment is to prevent the feeling from arising. And when someone tries to annoy or offend you, it is best to simply ignore such a person. Because only you have the power to control your emotions. And no one’s words will be able to offend you, much less cause your offense. You can even directly say this to someone who is trying to offend you.

8. If you don’t want to cry, make the offender cry.

As you know, coping with resentment means overcoming anger, which is actually another name for resentment. Yes, yes, that's right. Resentment is anger, which manifests itself in the form of resentment in relationships between people. And in order to avoid resentment, it is necessary to destroy anger through aggression. It is best to immediately, directing aggression towards the offender. In order for him to be offended by you, he had to.

9. If you can’t hit the offender, you can hit the pillow

If resentment and anger towards a specific person have penetrated into you, you should not carry these emotions within yourself for a long time. And even more so, you shouldn’t accumulate them, feeding them from a variety of everyday situations. On the contrary, you need to learn how to get rid of them as soon as possible.

At home, you can have a special pillow that you need to beat, trample, jump on, pouring out all the existing aggression towards the offender. At the end of the “session” you should feel that there is no more anger and resentment left.

You can also draw the offender, and then tear up the drawing, putting all the anger and aggression into the movements. People inclined to mysticism can even burn the remains of the drawing in an ashtray. The result should be the same: anger and resentment should go away and stop destroying you from the inside.

Resentment is something that haunts every person almost every day. All people are constantly offended by someone or offend someone. However, everyone is already so accustomed to considering offense as something everyday that they do not notice the damage it causes to each of the participants. It can have serious consequences in the future, so you should think about how to deal with the resentment. After all, it depends on you how strongly this or that incident will affect your psyche. And if you just can’t overcome the feelings gnawing at you on your own, this article will offer you several ways to deal with resentment. Explore them, choose the ones that suit you best, try them separately or in combinations. After all, it is very important to learn how to cope with resentment. Pretty quickly you will realize that your life is much better without her.

Resentment: how to deal with it

So, in this article you will learn how to deal with resentment. However, to do this, you need to understand what it is and why it manifests itself. Resentment is the feeling a person experiences when someone has said or done something unpleasant to him. However, it has differences from anger and other manifestations of negative emotions. Most often it is hidden, that is, a person feels that he is unpleasant, but does not tell about it to the person who offended him. This is precisely why problems arise. The fact is that grievances tend to accumulate, and also have an even more dangerous property - to grow. If someone has offended you, then it is best to resolve the situation as soon as possible, because the more the offense “ripens” inside you, the worse it will be for you. The person who gave you this unpleasant feeling may not even know about it. But at the same time, you have already gone through hundreds of situations in your head and inflated your resentment to unprecedented proportions. Although it could all start with any little thing.

The thing is that resentment is a manifestation of the inner child inside each person. You may be twenty-five or fifty years old, but deep down you still have a part of your childish ego. And because of this, an irrational reaction to a person’s statement or action occurs. Resentment lies inside a person and does not come out. And it can take a serious toll on your mental health. If you accumulate grievances and do not learn to cope with them, this can seriously affect your condition. This is why you need to learn how to deal with resentment. And this article will help you with this.

Talk

The first thing you need to understand if you want to know how to deal with feelings of resentment is that the person who hurt you is not a mind reader. Often he has no way of knowing that you didn't like what he said or did. Therefore, first of all, you need to try to suppress your childish ego at least a little in order to make room for rational thinking. How can a person feel guilty if he does not know that he is being blamed? Naturally, he will not come to you because he has no idea that he should do this. Therefore, you should definitely talk to this person. Tell him that you were offended by a specific remark or behavior of his. In most cases this works flawlessly. The person who offended you, if you approach him calmly and not with direct accusations, will also look at the situation from a rational point of view and understand what exactly he did wrong. This is the simplest way to cope with a grudge against a person. However, there are other methods that some may find more convenient or effective. They can also be used when the first method did not work.

Forgiveness

Many women wonder how to cope with resentment towards a man. After all, if you are in a relationship, then, most likely, the first method does not always work - you know each other too well for one of you to remain in the dark about the fact that he offended his partner. This method, which will be described now, is not only suitable for this case - you can use it in any situation in life. Its essence lies in the simplest forgiveness. When you are offended by a person, you mainly harm only yourself, so you should learn to forgive offenses without the participation of the other party. Instead of holding a grudge inside, forgive the person who offended you. Naturally, if he continues to do this further, then other actions will have to be taken, but if this is an isolated case, forgiveness may be the best option. So, if you are wondering how to cope, you should definitely try to simply forgive him, since you must not forget that he is the closest person in the world to you.

Lesson

If you're wondering how to deal with resentment and anger, then you most likely haven't tried to look a little deeper inside yourself. Often, even something positive can be learned from an insult. If you have been wronged, you can ease your suffering by engaging in self-reflection. Think about what caused such strong feelings. Most likely, the person offended you for something that is very relevant to you - what is it? Think about it and try to draw conclusions from it. As you can see, you can take something positive out of any situation that can help you in your future life.

Understanding

When you think about how to cope with a bad mood, irritation, or resentment, you most often think only about yourself. This is a completely normal trait for a person, but sometimes it is worth looking a little further than your own self. Almost always, an insult is perceived as a personal insult, and rare people immediately begin to think logically and assume that the problem may not be about them at all. Sometimes someone may offend you by accident because something happened in their family or some important plans for them fell through. And you just fell under the hot hand. Therefore, you should not harbor a grudge, because in a few hours a person may already return to normal and forget about how he told you something, and you will still be offended by him. Try to understand the people around you, as often you will find yourself in their shoes and you will most likely want to be understood, and not immediately judged harshly.

Analysis

This paragraph is a kind of combination of some of the previous ones, since it will ask you to analyze the situation. If you want to learn how to deal with resentment and negative emotions, you need to think clearly and not give in to the manifestations of intense feelings. Analyze the situation: if you were offended by a stranger whom you will most likely never meet again, then you should not think about this offense at all. Forget about it and never remember it so that it does not interfere with your life. If the offense was caused by someone close and this is not the first time, then you will have to use other measures. Just remember that in this situation, your main weapon is a calm conversation, and not harsh accusations.

Expectations

It often happens that resentment arises because a person simply did not live up to your expectations. You implied that he would act in a certain way, since you are friends, colleagues, relatives, and so on, but he acted completely differently, and for this you are offended by him. If you soberly look at this situation from the outside, you will understand that it is stupid and irrational. It has already been written above that no one is able to read your thoughts, so you should either make them public or not demand that a person do something that he does not consider necessary. If you think that your friend should have helped you in a particular situation, tell him about it, or just forget and don’t expect him to do something that he didn’t and doesn’t intend to do.

NLP

There is such a technique as neurolinguistic programming, abbreviated as NLP. With its help, the most difficult problems that people have are often solved, and it also allows one to cope with grievances. One of the most striking examples is the burning of a sheet of grievances. You need to write down on a piece of paper all the insults that a person has caused you, throw out all your emotions on paper, and then burn this sheet, imagining how they burn in the fire. It looks quite strange, but in reality it turns out to be an extremely effective method. You program yourself for your own happiness, and listing grievances and burning a leaf is just a symbol that allows you to convince yourself as simply as possible that you are the master of your own happiness.

Another option

Recently, NLP has become increasingly popular, so this article will present another method that relates to this technique. You need to write on paper the name of your offender and what exactly he did to you. After this, you need to write that you are for him. Repeat this several dozen times a day until your resentment goes away due to the fact that you program yourself for forgiveness by constant repetition of the action. Naturally, this approach should only be used if you are unable to forgive a person without any outside help.

Letting off steam

Well, another option that will allow you to forget the insult and cheer yourself up is to let off steam. If you have it good, if not, take a pillow or something similar. Well, then everyone understands what needs to be done: imagine that this is your offender, and let off steam on him. Naturally, this approach is recommended for use with strangers or not the closest people, such as, for example, a boss, and not a mother or husband.

This is a question most of us regularly ask. From early childhood we were taught that it is wrong to offend people around us. But for some reason they rarely talked about the fact that being offended yourself is harmful to our harmonious existence and development. Whether you remember grievances or not is your business, but let's think about whether there is any benefit from this.

Is it harmful to remember grievances for a long time?

By nature, I am a rather quick-tempered, but quickly outgoing person. Despite this, some time ago I could scroll in my head for a very long time about thoughts about unfair treatment of me. For example, such as: offended, not appreciated, betrayed, forgotten, and so on.

If you think about it, how much time are we willing to spend thinking about who? Why? and why? He didn’t treat us the way we expected him to. I am absolutely sure that all the thoughts deposited and stored in our heads about how unhappy we have become because of another person’s ugly act ultimately lead to inadequate, low self-esteem.

As a result, it leads to disruptions in the functioning of our nervous system, anger and decreased self-esteem. Well, then, usually, well-known illnesses, nervous breakdowns, failures and disappointments begin... In general, everything that ingrained grievances towards other people lead to.

How to stop being offended and get rid of resentment?

By and large, resentment is a state when you blame others for doing something wrong towards you, for acting somehow unfairly. In fact, this point of view is a losing one from the very beginning, since you expect others to treat you in a certain way, as if people “owe” you something. And in the end, after this or that person does not live up to your expectations, resentment sets in.

And of course, most often we don’t think about why a person treated us the way he did. You are hurt, you are slandered, you are unhappy. Emotions cloud the mind. All this is a rather convenient position - the position of the victim. Yes, sometimes people treat us unkindly, and yes, sometimes those closest to us do the same. This is bad news.

But there are also good ones. Do not forget that in your arsenal there are different options for perceiving the situation: forgive, analyze this unpleasant conflict, or let go of both the situation and the person, if your offender is simply a bad person.

Unfortunately, for many, the most convenient option is to blame others for unfair treatment, changing one environment to another. This is everyone’s right, and I don’t think that it is easy to encourage an adult with such a pattern of behavior that has been established throughout his life to think that he himself is to blame for his disappointments.

But returning to the question: “ how to stop being offended?”, let us remember that we are all primarily fixated on ourselves. Let's take care of ourselves, loved ones, because our long-term grievances lead to our illnesses, to our negative mood in life, and, ultimately, to loneliness. Therefore, right now, once again scrolling through your head all those who did not treat you the way you wanted, tell yourself: “Yes, this happened. And yes, it was unpleasant for me.” Now dive in for another five minutes and stay in this state. And after five minutes, tell yourself: “That’s it, enough insults!”

After all, your life has been going on for a long time, people come and go from life, and your present is now only in your wonderful hands, from the very beginning, from a clean slate! Therefore, away with resentment and “resentment” and forward to your beautiful life, filled with the most wonderful people and events! 🙂

How to learn not to be offended by people?

Finally, I would like to give some simple but effective recommendations on how to be less offended.

• Remember: being offended is not constructive. An offended person often goes into a state of ignoring the offender, which does not contribute to solving the problems that caused the offense.
• Play sports and lead a healthy lifestyle: in a fairly quick time, in this way you will significantly strengthen your nervous system, which will smooth out such negative traits as irritability, resentment, uncertainty, and so on.
• Be realistic. Don't live in a world of illusions and high expectations. Often grievances begin when life abruptly brings you back to earth.

I hope that these simple tips will allow you to cope with resentment and continue your life path in harmony with yourself and with others. All the best to you! Your comments are very welcome, let's discuss this topic. 🙂